You might be a racer if...
1) You wore Nomex socks to your wedding
2) You try to impress new acquaintances with your heel and toe skills
3) You really believe that waxing your car causes either bodywork damage or sudden, torrential downpours
4) You have ever critiqued the driving skills of Daisy Duke
5) You think the last line of the Star Spangled Banner is: "Racers, start your engines!"
6) Your garage holds more cars than your house has bedrooms.
7) You're tired of people asking how fast your car is and expecting to hear the top speed in MPH, not a lap time at some local track.
8) You have an immaculate car which you drive one day a week, and the
vehicle that gets you around the other 6 days is rusted, covered with duct tape, and has a pair of Vise Grips(r) holding the clutch cable together. You promise yourself you'll fix it right after this season, or when you need your Vise Grips for something else.
9) You can't understand why Jeff Foxworthy finds anything wrong with owning a car or two that doesn't run (at the moment).
10) You make turbocharger noises while walking down the street.
11) Your children are named after famous racecar drivers (and one or more of them were conceived at a racetrack).
12) You and your spouse met at a racetrack.
13) Your racing budget is one of the big 3 - mortgage, car payments, day care, etc.
14) Your wife says, "If you buy another set of tires, I'm getting a new
mink."
15) You can lose five pounds on a July afternoon while eating chilidogs.
16) You have the "Shift-O-Matic" sitting on your desk. (The "Shift-O-Matic" happens to be a toilet plunger with a shifter attached with Porsche crest) And while meeting with your staff you run through the gears making rude noises and an occasional squealing sound.
17) Your wife decides to become a race official so she'll see more of you during the season.
18) You look at the purchase of tools as a long-term investment.
19) You have enough spare parts to build another car
20) You know more than one racer supply house that recognizes your voice and greets you by name when you call
21) You have car parts in your cubicle at work
22) You've found that the guys at the local tire store laugh when you come in
23) Your grandmother is shocked to find you have a pair of jammies that cost $400 and the seat doesn't even drop down
24) You hear "727" and think of "Chrysler" instead of "Boeing".
25) You hear "Darlington" and think of "asphalt" and "NASCAR circuit"
instead of "silicon" and "compound circuit".
26) You hear "overcooked it" and think "off the track" instead of "Denny's".
27) You measure all family acquisitions in terms of the number of racecar parts that could have been purchased.
28) You know dear that orthodontic work is the equivalent of three sets of tires.
29) You find that you need a new house because you've outgrown your garage and the neighbors are threatening violence if you park one more vehicle on the street or in the front yard.
30) The requirements you give your real estate agent are (in order of
importance):
· 8-car climate controlled garage with an attached shop.
· Outside parking for 6 cars, a motor home, a crew cab dully, a 28' enclosed
trailer and a 34' 5th wheel.
· 3 phase 220V outlets in the garage for your welder.
· A grease pit.
· Convenient to a hazardous waste disposal site.
· Deaf neighbors.
· Across the street from a paint and body shop.
· Some sort of house with a working toilet on the property somewhere -or-hookups for the motor home.
31) You bought a racecar before buying furniture for the new house.
32) You go to play golf, and call the caddies "workers"; you also finish playing "at the beer" instead of the 19th hole.
33) You buy new parts because you don't know where you put the spares.
34) You're looking for a tow vehicle and still haven't bought furniture!
35) You bought a racecar before buying a house.
36) You know how to properly pronounce "Ligier".
37) You walk proper lines through the grocery store.
38) You've ever had to explain the term "pucker factor".
39) You've been known to yell, "It means 'check your mirrors' dammit!" at your television.
40) You've paid $4.00 a gallon for gas without complaining.
41) And with some hesitation: You still get depressed on the first of May.
42) Your first date involves asking her to crew for you.
43) Your criteria for selecting a significant other include auto repair
skills. Air tools optional.
44) Your friends don't recognize you without a helmet and driver's suit.
45) Your family remembers your hair color as "grease".
46) You plan your wedding around the race schedule.
47) You astound the clerk at Sears by bringing in a snapped breaker bar
every other week or so.
48) You remember the dates and details of every race you've ever been in, but can't remember your phone number.
49) Your family brings the couch into the garage so they can spend some time with you.
50) You know people who know you by your class letter, car number, and car color.
51) You know people who know you by your deviations: "Oh, you are the one stuck in the mud at Lime Rock last weekend!"
52) You can't remember when you last worked on weekdays and rested on
weekends.
53) You're registered for wedding gifts at Pegasus and Racer Wholesale.
54) Your Christmas list begins with a Webster gearbox and Carrillo rods (and your 'significant other' knows what these are).
55) Your answer to "How was your weekend?" is always: "And you do this for fun? Right?"
56) You have a separate drawer for 'garage clothes'.
57) You've ever repaired your lawn mower with AN hardware.
58) Your lawn mower has a fuel cell.
59) You disappear into the bathroom for hours when a new racing catalog
arrives in the mail. (The reading material in your bathroom consists of auto parts and racing supply catalogs, several books written by famous drivers, every book Carroll Smith has ever written and 400 car magazines, none of which have centerfolds.)
60) Your 2 1/2 year old daughter and 4 year old son fight over who is going to be Jimmy Vassar.
61) Your 2-year-old son knows the meanings of all the flags.
62) When you call home from Montreal, instead of saying "Hi Daddy," your 3-year-old son asks who has the pole.
63) Your daughter was an SCCA member when she was 1 day old.
64) You are the only one to get scared to see a wreck while watching a race on TV with 10 other people.
65) You enjoy driving in the rain on the way to work (or school).
66) You always late apex the intersection and try to pass few cars coming out.
67) You always try to find the fastest line through the turn (not
necessarily going fast).
68) You always do a toe & heel down shift while whoever might be your
passenger gives you a real funny look.
69) You buy real cheap tires for your streetcar, so you can save $$$ for the real (race) tires.
70) You can't stand anyone telling others how to drive. Of course, you are the best.
71) You are the only person in your office who don't mind wearing multilayer suit in 100+ degree weather.
72) You don't mind working on hot parts. (Well, you do *mind* but still do it.)
73) You can set the valve lash in less than 10 min.
74) You can change *hot* differentials in less than 20 min.
75) You can't stand understeer.
76) You always want to change something in your streetcar to make it handle better.
77) You change engine oil every other week.
78) You will gladly pay up to $6 for a bottle of engine oil.
79) You hate long distance driving, but you will gladly drive 800 miles to the racetrack.
80) You memorized the menu at Denny's.
81) You buy Gatorade by box.
82) You think that traction control and ABS are for those who can't drive.
83) You send your parents a gift certificate for their 50th Wedding
anniversary dinner out, cause its a race weekend.
84) You get a parts cleaner as a wedding gift and both bride and groom are thrilled.
85) You pick up the phone and say, "Race Control, this is...."
86) You critique the way people wave the flags at a parade.
87) You see a "Flagger Ahead" sign and check to see if you know them.
88) You get ticked off when drivers don't wave at you when you are standing on a street corner waving at them.
89) You complain about how long it takes AAA to dispatch a wrecker/tilt-bed to your disabled car (you know, more than 1 minute or so...)
90) You take notes about reckless driving and rude hand gestures of other drivers towards you or other drivers.
91) You complain about how the Police Officer could use better body
language, more exaggerated motions, etc. when directing traffic.
92) You complain when cars in front of you on highway off-ramps don't stay on the line, causing your exit speed to drop.
93) You reply "Synthetic or organic?" to a neighbor's query "Do you have any oil?" (To which they reply, "Vegetable or corn.")
94) You tell your neighbor you need them brushes for a generator/alternator and they give you a funny look when they've asked to borrow them.
95) You tell a friend you need to clean up the head this weekend and they think you mean the toilet.
96) You give out [your favorite racing catalog here]'s number when a friend asks for the best hardware store.
97) Your granddaughter's reply to "We're going to Willow this weekend" is: "I don't have any white jeans."
98) You've ever tried to convince your wife you needed that flow bench to fix
99) the air filter on her station wagon.
100) You hear the police just arrested some hooker down the street and
wonder what the tow truck driver did wrong.
101) You spend all week explaining to your wife or girlfriend that when you said there was a new hooker at the track, it wasn't what she thought.
102) You put all the racecar receipts you can under "Auto Repair Expense" on your annual budget.
103) You save broken car parts as "momentous".
104) You have more pictures of race cars on you desk than one of your wife or kids.
105) You refer to the corner down the street from your house as "Turn One."
106) You look at the fire hydrant at that corner and see an apex marker.
107) You complain the seatbelts in the family car aren't tight enough.
108) You stick your arm out the window and raise it straight up before
turning into your driveway.
109) You don't see anything unusual in cording a set of tires in just a few hours' driving
110) You have a "home" toolbox and an "away" toolbox
111) You've been to driver's school and didn't even have a ticket!
112) Your idea of an evening's entertainment involves multiple multi-car collisions - with yourself as the pachinko ball (for you hobby stock types)
113) Your back yard is three inches higher than your front yard due to all the mud you've blasted out from the undercarriage (also for your hobby stock types)
114) You have a solvent tank in your shop
115) You have a solvent tank *and* a pressure washer in your shop
116) Your socks in the drawer are all Nomex.
117) You look longingly at shopping mall parking lots as alternatives to street courses.
118) Your last several freeway forays included just brushing the curbs as you apexed the on-ramps perfectly.
119) You keep replaying the last race weekend over and over in your mind while quasi-listening to relatives' last fishing trips.
120) You keep thinking you can squeeze in just one more session of track time as the sunsets over turn 2 Willow.
121) You sometimes hear little noises from your passengers when you get on the throttle right after turning in.
122) You get upset if you don't hear the rumble of Bots-Dots at the
entrance, apex and exit of every corner on your drive to work.
123) Your street car has last season's race rubber mounted on it.
124) You feel naked in your streetcar without a roll and a five point
harness.
125) You evaluate on-coming traffic as to their "parts" value.
126) When something falls off of the car you wonder how much weight you just saved
127) You can look the hotel clerk straight in the eye and say "One Adult, and could I have some extra towels?"
128) You wonder why the hotel air-conditioning can't keep up with 12 people sleeping in the same room
129) You have tried to figure out how to put air conditioning and a toilet in your garage
130) You consider a test drive successful if you get the salesguy to whimper.
131) You take your helmet along when you go to buy new eyeglasses
132) Your wife can never find enough hangers in the house 'cause you've used all the wire ones as welding rod
133) You've found your lawnmower runs pretty good on 108-octane gas (but doesn't particularly care for alcohol)
134) You fix things around the house (kid's bikes, etc.) with grade 8 bolts and nylock nuts from your parts bins
135) You have really unique ashtrays to use when your friends who smoke come over (made by J&E and ROSS)
136) You've got 3 immaculate racecars always race ready, but your wife has to nag you for 2 months before you fix the headlight in her car
137) You're 75-year-old parents watch ESPN and TNN's "Raceday" to see if you're on it as you haven't called them in 2 months
138) Your "daily driver" is continuously being mistaken for an abandoned car as you haven't taken the time to wash it in over a year
139) You know that a "bird cage" is not for holding birds and a "Jacobs
ladder" is not for climbing
140) You've actually heard of the Clark Gable movie "To Please a Lady"
141) You "soup up" everything you come in contact with.
142) You're too ill to go to work, but the same illness doesn't keep you from going racing
143) You have more than one roll of duct tape around the house (the
handyman's secret weapon).
144) You think Robert Mitchum can sing (see the movie "Thunder Road").
145) You came back early from your honeymoon in order to attend driver's school.
146) You created a huge fire in your back yard when you used left over Pure Firebird racing gasoline to light your charcoal grill.
147) You have a large piece of piston mounted on a wall plaque in your
living room.
148) You had to stop at an apple orchard to pick dinner while towing back from Elkhart Lake.
149) Your dogs' favorite toys are old race tires.
150) You've noticed that the UPS truck stops at your house more than another house on the block.
151) You plan all your vacation around racing and your wife says,"Not this year again."
152) You will spend the rainy day crewing/working on someone else car, of course outside in the rain.
153) You will spend the rainy day working a corner at the racetrack in the rain.
154) You spend lunch hour reading the latest racing magazines instead of eating with the group.
155) You discover that the only thing you record on TV is racing.
156) You try to get home in time for RPM tonight.
157) You think a used Goodyear F1 qualifier and a slab of glass constitutes a coffee table.
158) You drill out your streetcar's pedals so you can go "faster".
159) You wear a Turner Belt in your daily driver.
160) You go to the races so you can see your son
161) You start to work the races so you can talk to your son in the evening
162) You plan your social life around the racing schedule
163) You get your first racing tee shirt and you are really excited
164) You walk around the paddock area with white pants, racing tee shirt, racing hat and you feel like you really belong.
165) Your doctor checks your reflexes by hitting your knee and your foot goes to the floor.
166) You fix the racecar before you fix your daily driver.
167) You thoroughly enjoy showing the tailgater behind how to drive around a highway off-ramp.
168) You quietly ignore the question...How fast do you go?
169) You have no problem adding 45 mph (or more) to the real answer of...How fast do you go?
170) You try to explain to non-racers that they don't have to be going over 100 mph to loose control of their car.
171) You put a Flowmaster muffler on a car that doesn't need it, just so you can enjoy the sounds of gear changes.
172) You prefer to drive yourself when going someplace in the car.
173) You explain to a brand new teenage driver in training that her dad
doesn't know what he's talking about when he wants her hand position at 10 & 2 o'clock on the steering. (But dad said...).
174) You hang on for dear life when you drive with non-racing friends in their souped up, turbo charged or V8 street cars.
175) You are happiest when your street car's tires are worn to racing depth. (wear bars showing)
176) Your streetcar's tires are uni-directional and Z rated.
177) You will spend months evaluating replacement tire performance, but not once think of tire wear as a factor.
178) You've ever spent $100 for a battery that was three pounds lighter, when you were twenty pounds over weight
179) You think the primary purpose for wings is to PREVENT flight
180) You've ever wondered how much a u-joint weighs
181) You do more catalog shopping than your wife
182) You wear long underwear in July
183) Your best suit has a zipper
184) You used to have money
185) You try to justify your hobby as continuing education
186) You might be a politically correct racer if instead of complaining
about the slow driver that swerved in front of you and scared the crap out of you, you stated; "The driver, who was velocity-challenged, changed lanes in front of me, since he was not a slave to the linear thought process of Western civilization, and I experienced a fecal matter deficit."
187) Your minivan was ordered with a rear sway bar, heavy duty shocks and you are contemplating putting stickies on it.
188) You select pets based on their ability to survive a weekend alone.
189) You feel compelled, on a road trip, to beat your previous best time.
190) Your EMAIL address refers to your racecar rather than to you.
