I remember the day when I realized that I had been doing something 'very
right' for many years as a parent. I had been saying "NO".Yes,
I was a 'pushover' for a parent -- sometimes -- but only when I wanted to
be (so maybe that isn't such a pushover, after all). When my kids used to ask me if they could do something, if I said "I
don't know" they smiled because they knew it would most likely be a 'yes'. They just had to do a little
convincing and/or negotiating. But when I
said "no" (which I admit didn't happen very often) they knew
that it was a 'no'.
Here is the moment that it clicked for me on how important that 'no'
was.
We were at the arena, for skating, and this is the conversation (give or take a word
or two) between
myself and my daughter who was about 12 at the time:
Daughter: can
I go to my friend's house tonight, after skating? We are just going to hang
out. I don't have any homework to do this weekend.
Me: let me think about it a minute.. (thinks)
Me: we have to go somewhere tomorrow
morning and then.. this and that.. no.. it is going to be too
busy. Not tonight.. maybe another time.
Daughter: What do we have to
do?
Me: hockey at 7:00; groceries; visit someone in the afternoon
Daughter: Ok...
(and walks away)
Her Friend: (comes
over in a few minutes) Oh please please please, can she stay over?
Please.. I promise we won't stay up late.. and .. (puppy dog eyes) and
we will be ready when you get there in the morning, and and (and she continues to
bribe, negotiate, manipulate, etc.)
Daughter: (walks
up and pulls on her friend's arm) Come on.. you are wasting your
breath. Mom already said "no". She won't change her mind.
Wow.. no arguing, no manipulating, etc. Because my
"no's" were few and far between, but always meant 'no' when I
said them, there was no power struggle! I am still in awe over that
moment!
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