Advertising/sponsorship above is selected by Angelfire.com and may not represent my views.

Back to the Discipline Page

Guiding Self-Discipline: The Use of "Please"

Such an easy topic I thought -- a few weeks ago. Ha Ha! Was I wrong!!!

The controversy started during a parenting workshop when we were discussing the importance of keeping your messages clear.  So often we give children mixed messages, sometimes giving them a choice when there isn't one.  One family, having trouble putting their children to bed used the phrase "it's time to go to bed, please."  They felt that this was showing respect and demonstrating manners.  Good points.  However, when I thought about it for a second I wondered if the "please" was actually a request, a form of begging, a contradiction

And so the saga began.
For the next week I struggled with the question, I debated the topic with anyone I could find to have a conversation with and I annoyed my poor co-workers. When is it appropriate to use the word "please"?  Does it give a choice?  Is the choice appropriate?

With many of the conversations I heard people say that they would first state their request with a "please" but if the child didn't comply then they would restate the direction without the please.  "Pick up your toys please." I see this as an option, a choice to be made by the child.  The child chooses not to pick up the toys and now they are getting in hot water.  The parent is now feeling the need to exert authority.  "Pick up your toys!"  
If it wasn't a choice, then why offer it in the first place?  "It is time to pick up your toys now" is a clear statement telling the child what is expected and when it is to be completed--and that it IS expected.  There is no confusion and no conflict being set up by the choice of words used.  

When is it acceptable, in my opinion? Well after the numerous debates and rolled eyes I think I have it figured out.  
When you are requesting a favour of someone you say "please".  You do not get upset when the other person does not do the task because it was not mandatory.  If it is a responsibility, a task that needs to be done then "please" undermines the directions.

What else does "please" say? Consider the following scenario:
"Dad, can I have a cookie?" "What do you say?" "Please." "Here's a cookie." "Thank you". 
     a lovely little interaction.. teaching the child manners... setting expectations.. helping the child practice their manners
but....later the child says 
"Dad, can I stay up later, please?" "No." "But I said 'please'!?"  
....wait a minute.. I thought that if you said "please" you got what you wanted??? Now I'm confused!!! Why am I supposed to say please?  Did you lie to me? Can I trust your word? I'm not sure anymore.

? ? ?

?

?   ?   ?

.Am I stretching the truth here? Have I taken liberty with the situation? Well here is a real-life situation that occurred during my week of deliberation.
In a parenting group I am involved with I take photographs of each participant so they can give it to their child with a message.  One gentleman wanted a larger picture and asked me if I could give him another one.  I said no because I would have to do the same for everyone and couldn't afford to do that.  He then restated it and added "please".  Again I denied the request and he said "but I said "please"!?"  
Well I laughed to myself.  Not only had he made my point but he had also reminded me of my current dilemma and the debate began.  

Be cautious of your wording.
Are you really saying what you want to say or are you setting yourself up for conflict? 

You may be saying "Of course you teach children to say please!!!" Then you do that! What I am hoping to do is get you to think.  Are your words consistent with your goals?  Are you heading your child towards the "Age 16" image?

Back to Social Skills Page