ItHurtsP13

It Hurts (So Bad) - 13

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Willow sat for several minutes crying softly to herself. When the tears stopped she sat up and wiped them from her face with her hands. Digging into the pocket of her nightgown she fished out a tissue and blew her nose, then stuffed it back into her pocket. Reaching over to the end table next to the couch, she picked up a pencil. Looking down at Dawn, who was still sitting on the floor in front of the computer, Willow said, her voice still raspy with emotion. “I’m going to try to do this the right way this time, Dawnie. I’m going to think about what I’m writing and saying this time. I’m going to think about what it really means to Buffy, and to me too.”

Saying this, Willow got up from the couch, walked over to the door, opened it and went out into the hallway, to start writing on the wall again. This time Willow knew what the ‘Buffy loves Spike!’ message was really all about. It wasn’t just about Buffy loving Spike or that she would always love him. It wasn’t just about feeling guilty because she’d hidden the knowledge of Spike’s return from Buffy. This time it was about ‘accepting’ that what she had done was ‘truly wrong’. That there were no reasons, justifications, or circumstances for her to hide behind any longer. This time Willow expected, even wanted, to pay the full emotional price for her actions. Because more than anything she wanted to learn from this, to grow within her mind, her heart, her soul, so that she could find a way back into Buffy’s heart, friendship and trust.

Dawn watched Willow go out the door feeling a bit of sympathy for her, but at the same time a stronger sense of hope. At this time ‘hope’ was all that Dawn would let herself feel. Hope for Willow, for Giles, maybe even Andrew. Thoughts of Xander passed through her mind. Was there any hope for Xander? Dawn pushed that thought away for now, she’d think about that problem later.

Dawn got up from the floor and walked over to Buffys bed to check on her. Seeing that she was still sleeping soundly, Dawn smiled. Buffy sleeping soundly was so much better than having her wake up screaming and crying. Dawn even noticed that the bottle of whiskey that Buffy had been drinking from the previous afternoon was still half full. Buffy hadn’t touched it since she set it down to try to comfort Willow, and then Spike came back. No drinking, no nightmares, no crying, things were definitely getting better.

Going back to get her coffee mug, Dawn went into the kitchen and made herself a fresh cup. She then decided to make a fresh pot of coffee. Buffy would want some when she woke up and Willow might want some more when she got back from the hallway. With a fresh pot of coffee brewing and a full mug in her hand, Dawn went back and sat down on the floor in front of the computer. Thinking about her talk with Willow, Dawn reopened the document she’d been working on and reading through it made a few changes. She then started typing again, her thoughts clear and flowing.

Dawn had just started the seventh page of typing when the e-mail program made a ‘ping’ to signal a new e-mail had arrived. Quickly she opened the e-mail program and saw that it was from Giles. Opening it she saw that it contained the fifty lines of the ‘Buffy loves Spike!’ message and noted the time, 7:11PM, London time. Checking her own watch she realized it was after 11AM, her time. Eight hundred down and two hundred to go, Dawn smiled. Going back to her document she started typing again, fresh thoughts coming to mind. Dawn was so involved in what she was doing she lost all track of time. She was in the middle of her twelfth page when the e-mail program made it’s ‘ping’ sound again. Looking at her watch she noted that it was just past 12:30PM. Not wanting to interrupt her train of thought, Dawn didn’t bother to check the e-mail from Giles, she continued with what she was writing.

Dawn had just finished typing fifteen pages and had said all that she could think of to say. She knew that she would go over it again, maybe make some changes, add a new thought. But for now she felt she was finished. She saved the document, then sat back to relax and let the tension leave her body. Checking her watch she realized that it was a few minutes past 1:00PM. Buffy was still sleeping and Willow was still out in the hallway. Dawn sat for a few minutes wondering what she should do next. It was the rumbling of her own stomach that made the decision for her, it was close to nineteen hours since her last meal and she was hungry. Three mugs of coffee full of sugar and creamer might wake you up and give you short term energy, but real food is what she needed now.

Going into the kitchen Dawn looked in the refrigerator and then the cabinets for something to eat. She spotted a can of Spaghetti-O’s, but realized that she could eat the whole can herself, and needed to think about enough food for all of them. She then spotted a jar of spaghetti sauce and a box of spaghetti. Smiling to herself she pulled them out of the cabinet. Taking a large pot out of a cabinet she half filled it with water and putting it on the stove she turned the heat to high to bring the water to a boil. Using a smaller pot she emptied the sauce into it and set the heat to low. Wishing she had Italian bread, but making do with what she had, she started toasting bread two slices at a time in the toaster. When the toast finished she spread them with butter while they were still hot and sprinkled a small amount of garlic powder and some parmesan cheese on each piece and finished by cutting the toast in half, corner to corner. When the water started to boil she added a full box of spaghetti to the water. She also made sure to stir the sauce so that she didn’t let it burn. When the spaghetti was done she drained off the water then added a quarter cup of olive oil. Dawn remembered that was what her Mom always did, to prevent the spaghetti from sticking together. She also remembered that Buffy use to complain about the extra calories the olive oil added, but it never stopped her from eating their Mom’s spaghetti. She then poured the hot sauce over the spaghetti and stirred it in slowly so that she didn’t break the spaghetti up in the pot. She then turned the heat to warm to let the sauce cook into the spaghetti for a few minutes. Looking at the meal she had just prepared, Dawn had to smile. Each step of the way she had tried to do it just like she remembered her Mom doing it, and unless she did something wrong at the last moment, everything seemed perfect. Looking at her watch she realized that it had only taken her about twenty minutes to make the whole meal. Maybe cooking wasn’t that hard after all.

Getting a large ice tea pitcher out of the cabinet she poured a cup of sugar and two cups of milk into it and mixed them together until the sugar was dissolved. She then poured the full pot of coffee into the pitcher. Tasting the mix she decided it needed more sugar and added another half cup. Next she added two table spoons of vanilla extract and mixed it in with the rest. The milk and sugar had cooled the coffee down, but not enough. Getting some ice cubes from the freezer she added them to the pitcher, mixed everything up, and put the pitcher into the refrigerator to chill.

Dawn had just put the iced coffee into the refrigerator when Willow came back into the apartment. Immediately Willow started sniffing the air and headed for the kitchen. Dawn headed her off and told her to wash up and get dressed. Going over to Buffys bed Dawn watched her for a few moments. Buffy was still sleeping, but was moving around in her sleep, which usually indicated that she would be waking up soon. Seeing as it was now 1:30PM, and not wanting Buffy to sleep the whole day away, Dawn gave her a little shake. It only took the one shake for Buffy to wake up, and when she did, she woke with a smile on her face. Seeing Dawn made Buffy happy. Feeling rested and relaxed made her happy too.

As she lay there blinking her eyes as she came to full awareness, Buffys nose started to twitch. The smell of spaghetti, garlic bread and parmesan cheese filled the air. Buffys first thought was about how good it smelled, enough to make her mouth water. Her second thought was about how many calories there was in spaghetti, and even more in garlic bread. Laying there Buffy found herself with mixed thoughts and feelings. The spaghetti smelled wonderful and Buffy was really hungry, but spaghetti for breakfast just didn’t seem right, plus all those calories. But then she remembered that Spike said she needed to eat more, to gain some weight because she was to skinny. Thinking about Spike wanting her to eat more and gain weight was all that it really took to convince Buffy that eating spaghetti for breakfast, even if it really was well past lunch time, would be just fine.

But of course Buffy couldn’t just admit that she was hungry and that she was perfectly willing to eat a big plate of spaghetti. So instead she asked Dawn, “What’s for breakfast?”

But Dawn had seen Buffys nose twitch and had seen her lick her lips, she knew what game Buffy was playing. So she answered, “Sorry Buffy, breakfast was a long time ago. But if you want breakfast, I’ll get you a bowl of cereal with skim milk. Willow and I got hungry so were going to have a big lunch. But if you want breakfast, that’s okay. That just means more for the two of us.”

Buffy was almost stunned by the idea that she wasn’t going to get any of the spaghetti. She started to protest that she didn’t want to be any extra trouble, that she’d eat what Dawn and Willow were eating. But then she noticed the big smile on Dawns face and knew she’d been caught out. When Dawn started laughing at her, she mumbled under her breath “Brat!” and stuck her bottom lip out in a big pout. Dawn heard what Buffy said, but didn’t take offence, she just laughed harder. When Willow came out of the bathroom she could see the pout on Buffys face and heard Dawns laughter. She didn’t know what was going on, but felt sure it wasn’t a problem, she knew it was a sister thing and that everything was alright.

Leaving Buffy to pout, knowing that she wasn’t really upset, just pretending to be, Dawn left her side and went back to the kitchen. Dawn had toasted eight pieces of bread and cut each piece in half, cross corner. She got three plates out and arranged four pieces of toast on each plate around the edges, then filled the center of the plates with spaghetti, letting it partially cover the toast. She then sprinkled a generous amount of parmesan cheese on top of the spaghetti. There were four half pieces of toast left, she put two of them on the plate she intended for Buffy and one on each of the plates for her and Willow.

Willow had followed Dawn to the kitchen and watched her zipping about, seeming to be doing three things at once. For a girl who was always insisting that she didn’t know how to cook, Dawn was doing one heck of a job of it. The last thing Dawn did, after the plates were ready, was to open the freezer and take three frosty tall tea glasses out. She then took a pitcher of what looked like chilled Cappuccino mix out of the refrigerator and filled the glasses three fourths full, then as a last step got a can of whipped cream out of the refrigerator, shook it for a few seconds and topped off each glass, then sprinkled a little cinnamon on top of the whipped cream. Looking everything over to be sure it was right, as a last thought Dawn opened a drawer and pulled out some straws, putting one into each drink.

Dawn put the fullest plate and one of the Cappuccinos on a tray, along with a fork and napkin, and carried it over to Buffy and set it in her lap. She then hurried back to the kitchen and prepared two more trays, one for her and one for Willow. They both carried their own trays over to Buffys bed and they each sat down on the bed wedging themselves up tight against Buffy. One of the reasons for doing this was that they all wanted to eat together. But the other reason was that by sitting this way they helped to keep the tray in Buffys lap from slipping off her lap while she ate. Even though Dawn had hurried as quickly as she could to prepare the trays for Willow and herself, by the time they got back to the bed, Buffy had already eaten the two pieces of toast that were on top of her spaghetti and was digging into the spaghetti with her fork. It didn’t take long for both Willow and Dawn to join her in the feast and all of them were eating like they hadn’t eaten in days.

They were all half way through their meal when Dawn noticed that Buffy was getting frustrated. With her one arm still strapped against her chest to keep her from moving the arm and shoulder, Buffy was having more difficulty than usual with her eating. The main problem seemed to be that she could only do one thing at a time, hold a piece of toast and eat it, hold her fork and eat spaghetti or hold her glass and drink her iced Cappuccino. Buffy wanted to do all three at once and didn’t have enough hands free to do even two of them at once. Feeling really put upon by the whole situation she started to pout again, but realized that she couldn’t pout and eat at the same time, and gave up on the pouting.

When they all finished eating, Dawn and Willow gathered up the trays and dishes and carried them to the kitchen. While Willow rinsed off the plates, Dawn refilled the glasses with the last of the Cappuccino and topped them with whipped cream and cinnamon. They carried the drinks back to Buffy and settled themselves on the bed with her again. With her glass in her hand, Buffy laid back against her pillows with a smile on her face, feeling full and happy.

Looking at her sister and Willow, Buffy made the decision to go ahead and do what she had discussed with Spike the night before. Giving both a smile, she said “I guess you both know that I was up all night talking to Spike. We had a lot to say to each other, about how we feel, that we really do love each other. Spike believes me now, he told me he did. He told me that the reason I can see and hear him is because I love him.” Buffy looked at both Dawn and Willow carefully, looking for some indication of denial or disbelief on their faces. But all she could see was acceptance. Maybe not acceptance that Spike was real, but definite acceptance of her feelings for him and that she believed what she was saying.

When Buffy continued to speak her voice was a little more serious in tone. “But, that wasn’t all Spike told me. He told me it wasn’t just because I loved him that made it possible to see and hear him, it was also because I wanted and needed him, that I believed in him.” Taking a sip of her drink, Buffy paused for a few moments, then said quickly in a sudden push. “Spike thinks it’s important that the two of you believe in him too, and, he told me how to prove he’s real.” Watching the both of them Buffy could see the shadow of doubt on Willows face, that she tried to hide. Dawns face was more open, more a look of curiosity. With conviction in her voice, she said “Spike can talk to other people, people in heaven, if they want to talk to him.” Looking at Dawn, and speaking quietly with love in her voice, “He talked to Mom last night, Dawnie, she’s been watching over us.”

If Buffy was expecting words or looks of denial from Dawn, she didn’t get them. Instead, there was a look of surprised hope. When a single tear ran down Dawns face, it wasn’t a tear of sadness, but from happiness. Knowing Mom was in heaven, even though Dawn loved and missed her dearly, made her swell with joy. Not able to speak at the moment, Dawn smiled at Buffy and nodded her head in acceptance of what she’d said.

Looking over at Willow, she said “He talked to Tara again last night too.” The pain that came to Willows eyes was the same as the day before, but this time she didn’t break down and cry. “Tara watches over you too, Wil, all the time.” Seeing the effect of her words on Willow, Buffy hurried on to explain. “Tara told him why she doesn’t talk to you. She can’t, it’s against the rules!” Seeing confusion on both Willow and Dawns faces, Buffy continued. “It seems that even heaven has rules, and the first one, the big one, is that souls in heaven can’t communicate directly with the living.”

Dawn was a bit confused, but ever curious. “What about that John Edwards guy, and those other psychics? Their always claiming that they talk to people in heaven, don’t they?”

“Actually they don’t” Buffy explained. “What they do is sort of pick up on emotions and feelings. Sort of like what Willow said she could feel when she used that trancy spell thing to find Tara in heaven. If their good at it, and maybe after a lot of practice, they can also pick up mental pictures of things. I don’t really know for sure, and we didn’t spend much time talking about that part of things anyway. What’s important is that when they make contact with a soul in heaven, they don’t really talk to it directly.”

Buffy stopped, waiting for a reaction. Willow was the first to speak, “Then Tara isn’t mad at me Buffy? That isn‘t why she wouldn‘t talk to me?” Willow asked, her voice filled with both pain and hope at the same time.

“Oh, no Wil, Tara loves you. She still loves you and she always will” Buffy told Willow, with deep concern and sympathy in her voice. “That’s why she felt so sad, when you found her in heaven. It was like you said. When you first found her she seemed happy, but after she knew you were there, it made her feel sad. She wanted to talk to you, Wil, but she couldn’t, it’s not allowed.”

The tears that Willow had been holding back started to run from her eyes. But this time there wasn’t the pain she had felt the day before, or for all these months since she first tried talking to Tara. This time the tears were more of happiness, from feeling whole inside, knowing that Tara still loved her. A smile spread across Willows face, even though she was crying, she was happy.

Giving Willow a minute to cry, and pull herself together, Buffy waited before speaking again. “Wil?” Buffy said gently, “Tara gave Spike a message for you. Tara wants you to know that she loves you, that she will always love you. But, she also wanted you to know that she’s happy in heaven. She’s with her mother, Wil, and she’s happy. She also told Spike that she wants you to be happy too. She told him that she doesn’t want you to stop loving her anymore, or to stop missing her, but she wants you to be happy with your life. She told him that it’s time for you to let yourself move on with your life and let yourself be happy again. Tara told Spike that she thinks your ready to do that now.”

Buffy paused again, to see how Willow would react to what she’d just said. But Willow just continued to smile and didn’t say anything. “What I told you yesterday, what Tara said about Kennedy, that was true, Wil. Tara was glad that you broke up with her, but not because she was jealous or didn’t want you to be happy. But, Tara knew that Kennedy didn’t understand you, or about the magic, how important it is to you, that the magic is a part of who you are and what you’ll always be. That’s why Tara thinks the girl at school might be good for you, that she will understand you, once you tell her the truth about yourself.”

Buffy waited again to see what Willows reaction would be, she had more to say, but didn’t want to overwhelm Willow with everything at once. Willow had been sitting, holding the iced Cappuccino glass with both hands. With one hand she set it down on the night stand at the head of Buffys bed, and with both hands wiped the tears from her eyes. Looking up at Buffy, she gave her a sad/happy smile, and said “Thank you, Buffy. Thank you and Spike both.” Willow stood up from the bed then, and digging into her pants pocket she pulled out a tissue and blew her nose. Placing the used tissue next to her glass, she sat back down, and said again “Thank you so much!”

Seeing that Willow had herself under control, and that she wasn’t overwhelmed by what she’d already told her, Buffy started talking to her again. “That’s not all of it Wil, there’s more. See, it was Tara who thought up how to convince you and Dawn that Spike is real, to make you believe me that he’s real. That girl at school, that you kind of like, but have been kind of afraid of talking to. The one you’d like to ask out for coffee or something, to get to know her better?” When Willow nodded her head to acknowledge what Buffy said, she continued. “I’m pretty sure you haven’t mentioned her name to either Dawn or me, and I’m pretty positive you haven’t described what she looks like, right?”

Willow looked at Buffy, then over at Dawn, before replying. “No, I haven’t really said that much about her, to you or to Dawnie.”

“Okay! Tara told Spike all about her and he told me.” Buffys voice started to become a little excited. “Her name is Karin, (Ka-rin), and she’s in two of your classes, so you see her almost everyday, when you go to your classes. Tara gave Spike a mental kind of picture of her, and Spike gave me her description.” A slight blush came to Buffys face as she paused for a moment. “Wil, remember, this is Spikes description of her, okay?” Willow just nodded her head to Buffy, but didn’t say anything. “Okay, Spike says that she’s got short dark hair, she’s a little taller than you and that she’s thin, but not skinny. Spike called her ‘willowy’, says she looks like Audrey Hepburn, except … …” Buffys blush got even brighter as she tried to continue. “Okay, remember, Spikes the one who said this. Spike says ‘she’s got bloody big knockers for a girl her size’.”

The blush that came to Willows face confirmed Spikes description of the girl. That and the fact that Willows mouth had dropped open as Buffy described Karin. Dawn had been listening to everything Buffy was saying, and seeing the blush on Willows face, a wicked grin spread over her face. Not able to hold it back, Dawn said with a definite smirk in her voice, “Bloody big knockers, that’s good, right Wil?” The fact that Willow almost turned purple with embarrassment and had to hide her face in her hands just confirmed that the description was right on, and that Willow thought that ‘bloody big knockers’ were more than just ‘good’.

As soon as Willows blush started to fade, and before Dawn could say something to make her blush again, Buffy spoke up. “Wil, there’s one more thing I need to tell you.” When Willow looked up at her and Buffy knew she had her attention, she told her. “Again, Tara told Spike and he told me. But, Tara wanted us, me, to tell you that she has been sort of watching over Karin for the past month or so. Not that she’s spying on her or anything. It’s just that Tara sort of felt that you might be interested in Karin, and has been looking in on her to see if maybe she might have any kind of feelings for you too. Anyway, what Tara wanted you to know is that Karin has been kind of worried about you. Okay, maybe not worried, but concerned about you not being at school for the past week. She checked, so she knows you’ve been e-mailing your class assignments into the professors, so she knows your okay. She was going to e-mail you, but you never gave her your e-mail address, so even though she knew it, she didn’t use it. But, she looked up your phone number in the student directory, because it’s public, and she’s called you three times and left messages on your voice mail. Tara thinks that maybe you should turn your phone back on, and maybe give Karin a call. You know, to thank her for her concern, and maybe to talk to her about classes and stuff. Maybe arrange to go meet her for coffee, or something.”

The look of puzzlement, and then dismay, that crossed Willows face was easy to read. Willow had never been able to hide her emotions from showing on her face, unless she deliberately concentrated on it. When she left herself open, like she was right now, her face was like a book to someone who knew her as well as Buffy knew her. In a voice that was barely above a whisper, but filled with confusion and doubt, Willow asked “Does Tara really want me to move on, Buffy? To forget about her?”

“No, Wil, that’s not what Tara meant” Buffy assured her, her voice soft and soothing. “What Tara wants, I think, is for you to understand that she is gone, to heaven, and that she is happy. I think she just wants you to give yourself the chance to meet someone new, and to be happy in this world. Tara loves you Wil, she always will love you. But she’s not part of this world anymore, and she never will be again. She doesn’t want you to forget her, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t want you to find someone else you could love. I’m not saying that Tara thinks that Karin is the one you should move on with, or love. But I do think she wants you to give yourself the chance to find out if Karin is the one you could move on with, and love. And if it isn’t Karin, maybe it will be someone else, but you have to let yourself be open to it before it can happen.”

Willow sat there looking down at her hands for several minutes. Buffy didn’t say anything to disturb her thinking and neither did Dawn. When she finally did look up at Buffy, she had a kind of sad, almost wispy, smile on her face. When she spoke her voice was low, almost a whisper, but calm and serene. “I think I’m going to take a walk.” Getting up Willow walked over and picked up her oversized coat and put it on. She hesitated for a few moments, then picked up her cell phone and slipped it into her coat pocket. As she opened the door to leave, she told both Dawn and Buffy, “I’ll be back in an hour or two, I just need to clear my head, do some thinking.” She then walked out the door and closed it behind her.

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(10/05)