ItHurtsP14

It Hurts (So Bad) - 14

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When Willow closed the door, Dawn let out a sigh of breath. Looking up, she said “God, Buffy, I don’t know if I should feel happy or sad. I mean, in a way I’m happy that Tara is in heaven, but at the same time I’m sad that Willow can’t talk to her there. I’m glad that Tara is happy in heaven and that she still loves Willow, but at the same time it’s kind of sad that she’s telling Willow that she needs to learn to be happy in this world, without her. It’s all kind of confusing and I don’t know what to feel.”

“I know, Dawnie, it is confusing” Buffy replied. “But this is something that Wil’s going to have to work out for herself. We can be there for her. We can be supportive of whatever she decides to do. But we can’t make her decisions for her. Wil’s going to have to find her own way to deal with the future. But, I think Tara is right, she’s been gone almost three years now, it’s time for Wil to move on with her life.” Saying these words, the irony of them suddenly struck Buffy hard and a frown spread over her face.

Dawn, seeing the frown, and guessing what it was about, reached out and took hold of Buffys hand, giving it a squeeze. “Please don’t Buffy. Don’t think about that. It’s not the same thing as you and Spike. No one ever told Willow that she shouldn’t love Tara. No one ever told her any lies about Tara, or hid any information about Tara from her. No one ever tried to control or manipulate Willows life for her. It’s not even close to being the same thing.”

Buffy sighed, then looking at Dawn, gave her a small smile. “I know, Dawnie. It’s not the same and never will be, because no one’s ever tried to make Willows decisions for her. Even if someone thought she was making a bad decision, it was always hers to make. No one tried to interfere with her life. It’s just the irony of the situation that gets to me. You know, people wanting other people to ‘move on’ with their lives, wanting them to ‘be happy’. How can someone know when it’s time for someone else to move on with their life. How do they know what will make someone else happy. Like you said, it’s hard to know what to think, it’s confusing.”

Seeing the sadness in Buffys eyes, Dawn asked quietly with a slight quiver in her voice, “Do you think you’ll ever forgive them Buffy?”

Buffy drew in a breath and let it out in a sigh. Thinking about Willow, Xander and Giles and what they did was always painful. Half of the pain was due to the anger and sense of betrayal she couldn’t help feeling. The rest was due to feelings of an emptiness inside of her that might never be filled again. The loss of her friends, the trust she had always had in them, was like an open wound in her heart. Her voice almost a whisper, Buffy replied, “I don’t know, Dawnie. Forgive, maybe, someday? But trust, I don’t know?”

They both sat quietly for a minute or so, holding each others hand, neither one wanting to continue the conversation. When a sudden thought came to Dawns mind, she gave Buffys hand a shake to draw her attention and when Buffy looked at her Dawn had a big smile on her face. “You said that Spike talked to Mom last night, in heaven” Dawn gushed out. “Tell me about it!”

The look that came to Buffys face was both sad and happy. There was a smile on her face that reflected both feelings of love and happiness. But at the same time there was a look in her eyes that seemed to reflect longing and loss. The combination seemed to speak to Dawn in a way that she fully understood. Dawn missed her Mom at times so much that it seemed there was an empty place inside her that could never be filled. But knowing her Mom was in heaven made her happy in a way that seemed to fill her up. It was such a mixed up jumble of feelings, love and longing, happiness and loss, but Dawn could see that Buffy felt the same way and was just as confused by her feelings as Dawn.

“Yeah, Dawnie, Spike talked to Mom last night.” Buffy told Dawn, her voice soft and full of love. “She wants you to know that she misses you and that she loves you. Mom’s been watching over you since she …” Buffys voice broke for a moment, then she continued “… since she’s been gone. She asked Spike to tell you, that she knows you’ve made some mistakes, but it’s okay, she knows you were doing the best you could. She’s proud of you Dawnie, really proud.”

Buffy continued to tell Dawn the things that Spike had told her about their mother. They both ended up confessing to each other how much they still missed their mother and how at times it hurt to much to even think about it. They both admitted that the pain of their mutual loss was great, but at the same time having confirmation that their mother was in heaven, and watching over them, still loving them, gave them both a sense happiness. They ended up in each others arms crying, partly due to their shared grief, but also due to a sense of long needed healing that they were sharing with each other.

When the tears had dried and both were under control of their emotions again, Dawn was the first to speak. “Buffy, I believe you when you say that Spike is really here, that he’s not an hallucination. But I still don’t understand why he wants me to believe he’s real. I mean, I can’t see him or hear him, so why is it important?”

Buffy looked at Dawn for long moments before she spoke. The emotions that seemed to pass across her face were a combination of hesitation and hope, mixed with fear and anxiety. “I don’t have all the details, Dawnie, and I don’t think Spike does either. But, ….. Tara told Spike ….. that … that there might be a way ….. for him …. to come back to me.”

Dawns mouth had dropped open after hearing Buffys words. Shock was the dominant reaction, followed by confusion, followed by hope, then fear. Not fear for herself, or even for Spike, but fear for Buffy. A cascade of thoughts and memories flashed through Dawns mind. Memories of how Buffy was brought back to life, dark black magic that ripped her out of heaven. Memories of how changed Buffy had seemed to be after her return, and all the pain she had suffered as she tried to find her way to some level of acceptance of her loss of heaven. Thoughts of the abusive and twisted relationship that developed between Buffy and Spike, and how it had ended, in a bathroom. Fear filled Dawns mind as she imagined the effect it would have on Buffy if Spike came back and didn’t love her anymore, or even worse, their relationship became dark and twisted like before.

“Bu… Buffy, is that a go… good thing? Br… bringing Spike back? Wi.. with the magic … and stuff? Wo… would he be …. li… like you were?” Dawn stammered out, her voice barely above a whisper.

Buffy was shocked, and hurt, by Dawns words. Until she realized that she was seeing anxiety and fear written across Dawns face, and understood what she ‘hadn’t’ said. A tear broke loose and ran down the side of Buffys face. Her breath seemed to catch in her throat as she attempted to speak. “It … it won’t be like with me, Dawnie. We wouldn’t be ripping him out of heaven, and there wouldn‘t be any dark magic… and Spike wants to come back … to me, … and to you too. He loves us both, Dawnie, and he wants to be with us again.”

Dawn hesitated for a few moments as she tried to sort out her thoughts. “But, … you said Spike talked to Tara, and Mom, and their both in heaven. How can he talk to them if he isn’t in heaven too?”

“Spike said that he doesn’t really know where he is, but it’s a good place. He said that when he first got there he was all messed up, emotionally, and that it took him a long time to sort himself out” Buffy explained calmly. “He told me that there isn’t anyone else where he’s at, but he doesn’t feel lonely because he can talk to people in heaven, if they want to talk to him.” A tear started running down Buffys cheek, but the look on her face was one of happiness. “He said that the first person he talked to was someone … that he’d killed … and she’d forgiven him. He was crying when he told me about it, Dawnie. He didn’t understand how she could ever forgive him, he thought her death was his greatest sin. But she did, she forgave him and told him that she loved him.”

Dawn felt stunned by what Buffy had just told her and when she spoke her voice was hushed, almost a whisper. “Do you know who it was Buffy? Did he tell you?”

Buffy looked as if she were going to cry, but she smiled at Dawn as she replied. “He told me Dawnie. It was his mother.” Seeing the shocked look on Dawns face Buffy hurried to continue. “She was dieing Dawnie. It was right after Spike was turned, but he still loved her so much, he thought he was saving her. After he turned her he realized that his mother was gone, that he’d killed her, and that it was only the demon that was left, so he killed the demon. But for over a hundred and twenty years he’s lived with the guilt of what he’d done. When his mother forgave him, he said it felt as if there was a wound in his heart that had finally healed.”

For a minute Dawn sat there thinking about what Buffy had just told her and her first reaction was to feel horror at the knowledge that Spike had killed his own mother. But then it hit her, she had loved her own mother so much that she had tried to raise her from the grave after she had died. It was only at the last moment that she realized that it wasn’t her mother that she had raised and broke the spell. With an insight beyond her years, Dawn understood why Spike had done what he had done. She also understood why his mother had forgiven him. With tears leaking from her own eyes, Dawn reached over and grasped Buffys hand and smiled at her. Together they shared a minute of understanding.

Clearing her throat and breaking eye contact for a few moments, Dawn changed the topic back to her original question. “So, no dark magic and no super depressed Spike when he comes back, but what does that have to do with Willow and me believing in him?”

Giving her head a little shake to clear her mind and focus her thoughts, Buffy looked at Dawn, a pensive frown marring her brow. “You know I don’t really understand the whole magic whosits or howsits, right?” Buffy asked. When Dawn nodded her head in agreement, Buffy continued. “Tara told Spike that there might be a way …. for him to come back to us. But … it’s sort of dependent on people wanting him back, believing in him.”

Seeing Dawns eyes grow wide in excitement, Buffy continued before Dawn could say anything. “Tara told Spike that it can only work because he really wants to come back. More than anything else Dawnie, more than heaven, Spike wants to come back to me, to us. But he can’t do it on his own, or with just me wanting him back, cause if we could do it alone he’d already be back. Tara said that it’s going to take more than just us to bring him back. Spike doesn’t know how many we will need though. It might be just a few or a bunch, and there’s the problem, because besides you and me he doesn’t know of anyone else that would want him back, and neither do I.” As she finished speaking, tears broke free and started running down Buffys face.

Dawn sat for several moments, feeling just as sad as Buffy, until a thought entered her mind. “What about Willow and Giles? Could they help?” Dawn asked uncertainty in her voice.

Buffy looked up at Dawn, her own doubts showing in her eyes. “I don’t know Dawn. Tara told Spike that he would need a witch or a sorcerer at least as powerful as Willow to do the spell. That’s why I wanted to prove to Wil that Spike is real, not just an hallucination like she’s been thinking. But I don’t know if she would help even if she believed he’s real. It’s not like she’d really want to help him. And Giles, yeah, lot of luck trying to get him to want Spike back.” The anger that Buffy couldn’t help feeling showed in her voice.

“Buffy, I think that maybe your wrong. About both Willow and Giles.” Dawn said with a note of excitement coming into her voice. “Come on, get out of bed” Dawn said as she got off the bed and started pulling back the sheet that covered Buffy to the waist. “I need to show you something that might change your mind.”

Buffy swung her legs to the side and Dawn reached out to steady her as she slipped out of bed. She didn’t know what Dawn wanted to show her and when Dawn led her to the apartment door a frowning look of doubt slipped into place. But Dawn didn’t give her a chance to balk and urged her out the doorway. At first Buffy couldn’t figure out why Dawn had dragged her out into the hallway in her underwear and a shirt, until Dawn walked her over to the wall and she noticed there was writing, lots of writing. Line after line, column after column, all of them saying the same thing.

Buffy loves Spike! Buffy will always love Spike! Buffy will love Spike until the end of the world!

Reading these words brought tears to Buffys eyes. Turning her head she could see that the columns stretched down the hallway. Looking at Dawn, not understanding, she asked “Who … who did this?”

Dawn let a big grin spread over her lips, then said “Willow!”

Seeing the puzzled look on Buffys face Dawn knew there would be questions, but before Buffy could say anything, Dawn said “Come on, I need to show you something else.”

Taking Buffys hand she led her back into the apartment and walked her over to the couch and had her sit down. Kneeling down on the floor in front of the computer Dawn opened her email program and opened the first of the responses that Giles had sent to her. Making sure that Buffy leaned forward so she could see what was written in the emails she started paging through them one after another. When she got to the last one she stopped, making sure that the email header was showing so that Buffy could see that the emails were from Giles. Dawn looked at Buffy expectantly, and waited.

“I … I don’t understand Dawn. What’s does all this mean?” Buffy said, the look of complete puzzlement on her face easily readable.

Dawn moved up from where she was kneeling and sat next to Buffy. Reaching out she took Buffys hand in both of hers and gave it a squeeze. Looking at Buffy she gave her a smile, and then started talking. “Look, I need to tell you some things and I need you to listen to me without getting all mad and not listening anymore, okay? What I need to tell you is important, and it might help Spike. So will you listen?”

Dawn waited for a moment, until Buffy nodded her head, then after taking a deep breath she started talking. “Last week when you got hurt and called me, I rousted Willow out of bed to come with me. I could have come alone but I didn’t know how badly you were hurt so I made her come too. After we got here and got you into bed I sent Wil out to get you more booze to drink, because I knew that you would want more and if we didn’t have any to give to you you’d probably try to get up to get some yourself. While she was gone I found something, the picture she gave you at Christmas, and it really made me mad.” Dawn could see that Buffy was clenching her jaws at the reminder and hurried on. “After she got back she said something and it made me even madder. So I dragged her out into the hallway and jumped all over her ass. Sometimes Wil is the smartest person I know, but sometimes, about certain things she’s dumber than a brick. I was really doing a rant on her and it was taking everything I had to keep control of myself, but then she said something really really stupid and I went ballistic on her and I nearly punched her lights out.”

Seeing Buffys eyes widen in surprise, Dawn gave her a crooked grin, then continued. “I didn’t, but it was close. Instead I went into super bitch mode and ripped into her about all the things she’d done to Tara. The lies, the manipulations, taking her memories and her free will away from her. I told her that every time she did that to Tara she’d been raping her, and that she’d raped all the rest of us when she took our memories away from us too. By the time I was done with her she was a big puddle on the floor. But even as mad as I still was, I knew that Wil didn’t understand what she’d done to you. She didn’t understand that you loved Spike. She didn’t understand that you loved Spike as much as she had loved Tara.”

Buffy had started crying at the mention of the things Willow had done to Tara and the rest of them. The tears came even harder at the mention of Spike. Dawn gave Buffys hand another squeeze, but continued on with her story. “So Wil’s crying, I’m mad that she doesn’t understand, and then an idea popped into my head. I got her up off the floor and handed her a pencil and told her she had to do her homework. I told her what to write and that she had to do it a thousand times, or I would never let her see you or talk to you again.”

“Okay, so that first night she did what I said and she finally seemed to understand how much Spike meant to you and how much you loved him. At least she said she did and acted like she did. Over the past week she’s been going out at times and writing on the wall on her own. It wasn’t until this morning that I figured out, after I started Giles doing the same thing, that she still didn’t get it, not completely. So we talked it out and I really think she does get it now Buffy. I really think that she understands about you and Spike, and I think that maybe Giles is getting it too, even if he doesn’t know it yet.”

Buffy was looking down at Dawns hands clasping her hand, but she had been listening to every word that Dawn had been saying to her. When Dawn stopped speaking for a few moments, she started shaking her head from side to side. Looking up at Dawn with tears in her eyes again, she said “I don’t understand Dawnie. I told them that I’d loved Spike. I told them that I missed him, that it hurt so bad when I told him I loved him and he didn’t believe me. They saw me mourn him for months, they saw me cry for him. How could they not understand how I feel about him? How could they hide it from me that he was back? How does writing on a wall or sending emails to you suddenly make them understand?”

Dawn took in a deep breath and let it out slowly before speaking. “It all has to do with subliminal messages and how they work on a persons mind.” Dawn could see immediately that she had lost Buffy. “That’s not really that important, just believe me, it’s a psychology thing, and it works on the unconscious part of a persons mind. They don’t even know that it’s happening.”

Dawn paused for several moments rethinking what she wanted to say. “Buffy, believe me when I tell you that I do understand how much you love Spike. I even understood how much you still loved him when we thought he was dead. But the rest of them, they never did. Believe me when I tell you that I understand how much they hurt you, how betrayed you felt when they kept it from you that he’d come back. It was stupid, it was wrong, it was narrow minded and cruel. They completely ignored everything you said about how you felt. But it wasn’t evil, not on purpose.”

“Look, I know you haven’t talked to Giles since it happened, or to Xander since you broke his jaw. Willow, I’ve kept her on a short chain and warned her not to say anything to you about it. Except for that stupid stunt with the picture, she’s done pretty much what I’ve asked. Andrew is still in Rome as far as I know, so you haven’t had to deal with him. Angel, I‘ve no idea where he‘s at now. But believe it or not, cause it really is true, none of them ever meant to hurt you, not even Angel. They just didn’t understand.”

Buffy started shaking her head again in the negative, so Dawn hurried on. “Buffy, I know that’s not a good excuse. Actually it’s a piss poor excuse, because if any of them had listened to you instead of living in Egypt they would have understood. But think about it this way for a minute. Giles has had twenty-five or thirty years of training and indoctrination that has taught him that vampires are soulless monsters that cannot love.”

“The only vampire he ever trusted had a soul and then lost it and killed the woman he loved. Spike didn’t have a soul and as far as Giles was concerned the only thing that prevented Spike from killing all of us was him having a chip in his head. Now two years ago, because of The First, Giles lost almost everyone he’d ever called a friend and I think maybe some family too. He brings a few surviving Potentials to you for protection with the hope that somehow you can defeat whatever it is that is killing everyone he knows. When he gets to Sunnydale the first things he learns is that your facing The First Evil and that The First has been using Spike to kill people and turn them. The fact that Spike has both a soul and a chip, but they didn’t stop him from killing only confirms for Giles that Spike cannot be trusted.”

Seeing that Buffy was getting upset and agitated Dawn cut herself off for a few seconds and regrouped. “Okay, let’s skip over the details and get to the end. Spike went down into the Hellmouth wearing the amulet Angel gives you and died saving the world. Giles still didn’t feel that he had any reason to trust Spike, but since he gave his life to save the world, Giles stopped beating a dead horse. The fact that after Spikes death you proclaim your love for him, where up to a few weeks before his death you were still denying any strong feelings for him, Giles attributes your feelings to survivors guilt.”

“The next that Giles hears of Spike is from Andrew, that he is in L.A. and working with Angel, who just happens to have taken over as the CEO of the L.A. office of Wolfram & Hart, a law firm notorious for being aligned with the darkest of evil. Instead of coming to the conclusion that if Spike is working with Angel then maybe Angel has not turned evil, he instead assumes that if Spike is working with Angel then he must also be evil. Gathering your friends around, a decision is made to hide the knowledge of Spikes return from both you and me. You because they do not know how you will react, me because they know that I would have told you Spike was back. Andrew is threatened with expulsion from the Council if he tells you and is sent to Rome to keep an eye on you and report back to Giles.”

“The rest of it’s easy to understand. Willow hadn’t trusted Spike since he chained you up and first told you that he loved you. After your death the friction became worse because Spike was always making comments about Willows use of magic, reminding her that there are always consequences. He also criticized her for her inability or refusal to change the programming in the BuffyBot and make it stop making moon eyes at him. Willow claimed that she had tried, but the programming was to deep and she would have destroyed the BuffyBot if she made anymore changes. The situation didn’t get any better between them after Willow brought you back from heaven. Whether or not Xander ever told her why Spike left Sunnydale, after she came back from England, I don’t know. But even if he didn’t, Willow was afraid of Spike, maybe because Giles was afraid of him.”

“Xander is the easiest to understand, he hated Spike. Which in a way is kind of strange because while you were dead they actually got along fairly well. They still called each other names, but it wasn’t vicious. But after you came back Xanders hate seemed to double. I’ve never been sure if Xander hated Spike because he was a vampire or because he couldn’t stand the thought of Spike loving you and maybe you loving Spike in return. Right there at the end, after Spike stopped Caleb from gouging out both of his eyes and killing him, Xander seemed to mellow out some. But apparently learning that Spike was back from the dead sent him right back into high hate mode.”

“Andrew is the sad part of all this, because I know he hero worshiped Spike. But I think that he was so afraid that Giles would kick him out of the Council and he would have nothing and no where to go that he just caved. I mean he had promised Spike that he wouldn’t tell you he was back, but he told Giles as soon as he got back to England, so he probably would have told you too if Giles hadn’t threatened him.”

“Angels a different story from all the rest. Spike and Angel have hated each other for forever. But they must have worked some of that out in the end, because they were working together. But if there is one thing certain, you can bet that Angel said and did everything possible to prevent Spike from letting you know he was back. Angel always thought he owned you, even if he didn’t want you. There’s no way he would have wanted to see you and Spike together.”

By the time Dawn finished speaking Buffy was looking at her with her mouth open in awe. “Where in the world did you come up with all that?” Buffy asked bewilderedly.

Dawn gave Buffy a rueful half smile half smirk, then told her. “The Giles stuff I got mostly from Giles himself, when he was telling me all of his reasons and excuses and wanting me to convince you he was only doing what was best for you. I finally got sick of it and had my cell service block all overseas calls and stopped answering his email. Willow and Xander were easy to figure out, after the fact. Andrew sent me a letter, the same time he sent you one, telling me how he’d been involved and apologizing. The Angel part was easy too. I just let myself think like Angel, added two and two together and came up with nine, and knew that he was probably the main reason Spike didn’t contact us.”

Dawn had cast her eyes down at her hands as she was speaking, so when Buffy barked out a laugh, she raised her eyes to Buffys face and saw that she was looking off to one side a little. Dawn turned her head toward where Buffy was looking and saw nothing, then turned back to Buffy. “What?”

“Spikes back” Buffy said as she smiled, “he was listening to what you were saying and he say’s that you’ve probably got most of it right. Except, he say’s he was pretty messed up himself back then. First coming back as a ghost, then becoming solid for unknown reasons. Not knowing why he was back. Not knowing if anyone would care that he was back.” Tears were running down Buffys face as she said this last part. Knowing that Spike hadn’t believed her when she told him she loved him as he burned in the Hellmouth always brought a stab of pain to her heart. “But you believe me now, don’t you, love?” When Buffy said this last part Dawn knew she wasn’t talking to her.

Dawn let go of Buffys hand and turned herself on the couch so that she was looking in the same direction as Buffy. Sucking in some air, she blurted out “I believe in you, Spike! … I love you!” Tears came to Dawns eyes as she continued speaking. “I’m sorry I was mad at you. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that I wasn’t mad anymore.” Dawn was having trouble drawing breath in, her whole chest felt tight with emotion. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that I still loved you …. be..before you died.” Tears were flowing from her eyes so heavily she couldn’t see anything but a haze in front of her. “I’m so..sorry you di..didn’t think we would ca..care that you were back. I’m so..sorry!”

Buffy moved closer to Dawn and wrapped her one arm around her shoulders and pulled her in tight against herself. Dawn turned her head and cried into Buffys shoulder. “It’s okay, Dawnie. Really, it’s okay. Spike wasn’t mad at you then and he isn’t mad at you now. He just said to tell you that he loves you too, and that he always will.” Buffy was sniffing and trying to hold back more of her own tears as she tried to calm and reassure Dawn. “You can’t get any better than that Dawnie. When Spike loves you, it’s forever.”

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(05/06)