ItHurtsP9

It Hurts (So Bad) - 9

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The next two days went pretty much like Friday had gone, Buffy drinking coffee in the morning, eating more food throughout the day, talking to both Dawn and Willow, and occasionally making comments about Spike. Some of the comments were about things that had happened in the past, but some of them were about things in the present.

When the comments were about the past Dawn wasn’t too worried because she could just view them as memories. But when Buffy talked about things that she said Spike had talked about in the present, a twinge of fear ran through her whole body. Dawn was scared half to death that Buffy was slipping off into a world of non-reality and there wasn’t anything she could do to stop it. On the couple of occasions when Dawn had tried to make careful comments about what Buffy was saying about Spike, Buffy had just looked at her as if she couldn’t comprehend what Dawn was saying.

Two important things, well three actually, that occurred over those two days were that Buffy had definitely started eating more, had started drinking less, and had only smoked a few cigarettes a day. Even with the cigarettes she did light up she didn’t really smoke that much of them, it was more like she got some kind of comfort watching the smoke rise up in the air as they burned away as she held them between her fingers.

With all the food that Dawn had bought and brought into the apartment there should have been enough to feed them all for a week, but if Buffy even hinted that she had a craving for something specific to eat, Dawn or Willow would rush out immediately to get it for her.

With the drinking, Buffy didn’t even look at the bottle of whiskey sitting next to her on the nightstand during the day and would only start drinking in the evening. When she did start drinking she would drink heavily at first until she reached a certain level of intoxication and would then slow down and only drink enough to maintain that specific level. It was during these times of intoxication that Buffy could apparently see and talk to Spike. She would nurse her bottle of whiskey and talk to Spike all evening. The surprise of the situation was that when she finished the bottle, instead of asking for another one, she would hand the empty to Dawn or Willow and then go to sleep. Only once, late Saturday night or early Sunday morning, depending on how you wanted to look at it, did she wake up screaming with tears running down her face. But even then she only took one drink from the bottle of whiskey Dawn had handed to her before she handed it back and went back to sleep, her face still wet from her tears..

Monday morning Dawn had to go back to school. Willow had typed up and printed out an excuse for Dawns absents from school the previous week and had also added that if Willow or Dawns sister Buffy should call the school, Dawn should be permitted to leave immediately. This added caveat greatly eased Dawns concern about leaving Buffy.

With Dawn gone the care of Buffy was up to Willow. This was the first time, except for a couple of hours at a time when Dawn was out shopping or doing other things, that Willow was being left totally alone with Buffy. The fact that Dawn was willing to allow this was very important to Willow because it proved that Dawn felt she could trust Willow not to do or say anything that would harm or upset Buffy.

Willow had been shocked, emotionally assaulted and reduced to a sobbing wreck on the floor by Dawn the previous week. But the lesson she had learned from that experience and the time she had spent writing on the wall had made a change in her that she felt was life altering. Twice since that first night Willow had gone back out into the hall with a pencil and added more columns of “Buffy loves Spike! Buffy will always love Spike! Buffy will love Spike until the end of the world!” to the columns already there.

Each time Willow added more columns and spoke the words as she wrote them she became more and more determined to become the kind of friend she should have always been to Buffy. She silently swore to herself at least a hundred times a day that if she could ever repair the damage she had already done to her relationship with Buffy she would never again abuse that friendship in any way.

Dawn had taken a shower the night before and had gotten up quietly and left for school without her morning coffee. She had been afraid that making coffee would wake Buffy up to early. Willow had gotten up as Dawn was dressing and had assured her that if Buffy got upset or needed her in anyway she would call Dawn at school immediately. Once Dawn was gone Willow sat in the chair at the foot of Buffys bed and watched Buffy sleep. When she noticed that Buffy was starting to move around in her bed a little and appeared to be waking up she made a fresh pot of coffee and prepared all the ingredients to make a mug full of coffee just like Buffy liked and had it ready for her when she finally opened her eyes.

When Buffy did open her eyes and saw Willow standing there she seemed to flinch. Willow noticed the flinch and her sense of guilt at the pain of distrust she had caused Buffy made her heart ache. But she smiled at Buffy and held out the mug of coffee to her, only saying “Good morning Buffy” in a quiet voice.

Buffy hesitated for only a few moments before taking the offered coffee and replied “Morning Willow” just as quietly.

When Buffy started looking around the room Willow understood immediately that she was looking for Dawn. “Dawn had to go to school today” Willow told her in a soothing calm voice, “but if you need her I can call the school and she could be home in no time”.

Buffy looked back at Willow and after taking a sip of her coffee she smiled at Willow and replied “No, that’s okay, she needs to be at school.” Willow didn’t say anything, she just nodded her head, smiled and sipped her own coffee, waiting for Buffy to say something to her if she wanted to talk.

After a minute or so and a few more sips of coffee frown lines began to appear between Buffys eyebrows. She glanced up a Willow several times before finally saying “What about you, and school? Don’t you have to go to school too?”

Willow moved a little closer to the bed and leaned her hip against it. “No, not really. Half of my classes are independent study and the rest them I can download the lecture notes and assignments from the school computer. I don’t really need to go to classes unless I want too.”

The frown lines were still present, but not as pronounced as before, when Buffy questioned “Are you sure? I wouldn’t want to make you miss something important.”

Willow considered for a few moments whether or not Buffy was really saying she wanted Willow to leave and go to school, leaving her alone. Willow decided that she would just answer the question at face value and ignore any implications. So she just smiled a big happy smile at Buffy and told her “Yeah, you know me and school Buffy. I’ve already got so many extra credit points in all my classes I could take the rest of the semester off and still get A’s. Besides, with my computer over there” Willow pointed over at her computer on the coffee table, “I can do all my work and send it in to my professors and never leave this apartment.”

The frown lines finally disappeared from between Buffy’s eyebrows and her face relaxed as she gave Willow a little smile. She laid there in her bed quietly and finished her coffee, not sure what to say to Willow next. When all the coffee was gone she looked up at Willow again and with a smile on her face she asked “Could I have another one, please?”

Willow again gave Buffy her biggest smile and taking the coffee mug from her hand almost skipped across the room to the kitchen and made her another mug of coffee. After giving Buffy her fresh coffee Willow asked her if she would like to have something to eat. She offered fresh fruit, cereal with fruit, toast with butter and jelly, or pancakes with syrup. When she mentioned pancakes and saw Buffy’s eyes light up, without asking any more questions, she went back to the kitchen and got a pack of frozen pancakes out of the freezer and popped them into the microwave. When the pancakes were done she covered them with a large amount of butter and syrup, poured some orange juice in a glass and putting everything on a tray brought it over to Buffy and set the tray in her lap. She then propped herself against the side of the bed and held onto the tray so that Buffy wouldn’t slide it off her lap and told her to start eating.

As Willow watched Buffy eat the thought passed through her mind that the last time she had seen Buffy eat pancakes had been almost three years ago when Tara had made a big batch of pancakes one Sunday morning and Buffy had eaten more than anyone else. Willow wondered to herself if possibly that might have been the last time that Buffy had eaten pancakes. A sense of sadness washed over Willow as she thought about Tara, but it was quickly followed by a sense of joy as she watched the way Buffy was eating.

When Buffy finished her breakfast, Willow took the dishes back to the kitchen and washed everything up. When she was finished she went back to Buffy to see if she needed anything else. When Buffy looked up at her with her face all red Willow understood immediately what was needed and without any comment or making a fuss helped her out of bed and into the bathroom, pulled down her panties, and helped her sit down on the toilet. When Buffy was finished, still blushing profusely, Willow helped her stand up, wiped her clean and then helped her back to bed and settled her into a comfortable position. Dawn had been helping Buffy go to the bathroom for the past five days so this was the first time Willow had been needed to help and Buffy was completely embarrassed by the whole situation.

Seeing how embarrassed Buffy was by the whole situation Willow felt compelled to do or say something to ease the tension, so from out of no where she started telling jokes. At first Buffy didn’t respond, but Willow kept telling joke after joke after joke. By the fifth or sixth joke Buffy had stopped blushing and was smiling at the jokes and by the ninth or tenth was laughing. When she ran out of jokes she knew, Willow started telling funny stories she had heard or read about. For over a half hour she carried on and even stepped away from the bed to act out some of the scenes and punch lines. Buffy was laughing so much that tears were in her eyes on several occasions. When she finally ran down and was standing next to the bed again, Buffy hesitantly reached out and gave Willows hand a little squeeze and smiled at her. Willow felt her heart was going to burst with joy and counted that squeeze and smile as a first step toward reestablishing a friendship that was more important to her than anything else in the world.

***

Dawn got home a little later than expected, but as soon as she came through the door the apartment was filled with the aroma of hot cheeseburgers and fries. Buffys nose was twitching involuntarily and her mouth seemed to have an excess of saliva she had to keep swallowing by the time Dawn had unpacked the burgers and fries and placed them on a tray she carried over to Buffys bed. Buffy couldn’t even remember the last time she’d had a cheeseburger and fries. But whenever it was they hadn’t been anything like what was before her now. The bun was huge and the burger had to be at least a pound of meat. There was extra cheese melted all over it, plus pickles and onions, with mustard and catsup. The huge mound of French fries were still hot and while crispy on the outside were soft and moist on the inside. Dawn stood on one side of the bed while Willow stood on the other side and they all ate as if they hadn’t eaten in days. When Dawn reached for the last fry, Buffy snatched it from the plate first and popped it into her mouth. Dawns mouth dropped open as Buffy looked at her with a satisfied smirk on her face as she swallowed. When Buffy started laughing, Dawn and Willow couldn’t help themselves and joined her. Seeing Buffy laughing for the first time in forever made Dawn the happiest she could remember being since before their mom had died. The pain of that thought, mom dying, stole a little of the joy from the moment, but not enough to spoil it.

**** (12/04)