NEW!!!!!!!

(An email written by Kristina, dated Sunday, February 23, 1997--during the theatrical re-release of the original trilogy)

For my Great Friends– Last night I had the pleasure of attending the rerelease of the Empire Strikes Back with about 20 of my closest Bend pals. Needless to say, we had a crazy time.. But something else also came out of this evening of Star Wars mania – something deeper and most meaningful than just a night of wildness....

............A NEW THEORY ABOUT THE FORCE. This concept was developed by the Talented & Hilarious Benjamin "the face" Edwards of Sunriver, and myself (I don't think I need a pretentious introduction). The birth of this modern theory was prompted by a mid-movie discussion about how we both think that Luke stays an extraneously long time on Dagobah with Yoda. "Why?" we asked ourselves, "does this have to happen?? It almost kills the freakin' movie! (Almost)." After much discussion through mental telepathy (wouldn't want to disturb everyone else in the theatre) it was determined that THE NATURE OF THE FORCE IS ALL A LIE!!!!!!

And now, I'd like to present our discovery: A CONTEMPORARY THEORY ABOUT THE FORCE:

(my message contained the following forwarded email message from benjamin_edwards@cocc.edu)
ladies and gentlmen.........
for all these years...... we have been fooled!!!!!!!!!

The Truth has come to me however and i would like to set it all straight.

The Force..... well it isn't as hard to obtain as you might think......
Lets add it all up, okay?

1) Yoda: A real cool laid back individual.
2) Yoda is green, his skin is green, his clothes are green.
3) Yoda tells young Luke that he cannot be a Jedi until he learns the "ways of the Force." He tells Luke that to do this he must be laid back, calm, passive.
4) Yoda's head looks like a big green bud.
5) Yoda feeds Luke some strange "food," and afterwards, Luke has strange premonitions and visions.

Folks............The "Force" is simply pot. Marijuana. The big green bud.

Darth Vader and the empire...The Dark Side of the Force.... hhhmmmm....
They are simply the bad suppliers.... selling crap to the universe.....

---

NEW!!!!!

1. In real life, people drive the "Pacer," the "Pinto," and the "station wagon." In Star Wars, people drive "Speeder Bikes," X-wing fighters," and the "Millenium Falcon."

2. In real life, bar fights with strange looking people are often looked upon as bad and sinful; In Star Wars, bar fights with strange looking creatures is heroic and the way of the just Jedi Knight.

3. In real life, people that talk to small fuzzy creatures are called crazy; In Star Wars, people that talk to small fuzzy creatures are called galactic ambassadors.

4. In real life, people who dress up in tight plastic/leather outfits are considered tacky and queer; In Star Wars, they're called "Storm Troopers," and are feared by all.

5. In real life, people often stink up the bathroom, the toilet paper runs out, and people are susceptible to illnesses such as diarrhea; In Star Wars, no one has ever used the bathroom.

6. In real life, tall, hairy, humanlike creatures are rarely seen (and then only by backwoods alcoholics) and are named ridiculous things like "Bigfoot" and "Sasquatch;" In Star Wars, creatures such as this are called "Wookiees," and have their own language, planet, social structure, and carry formidable weaponry.

7. In real life, people must deal with the problems of children; In Star Wars, children do not exist.

8. In real life, it is often difficult to understand the languages of others, such as 7-11 employees, fast food window operators, and college professors; In Star Wars, everyone understands everyone else, regardless of language barriers.

9. In real life, the extremely obese are often shunned by society and confined to their homes; In Star Wars, the extremely obese Jabba the Hutt is a pimp daddy who has his own sail barge, lounge room and scantily clad female dancers to keep him occupied– he is envied by all.

10. In real life, people often have problems doing simple mechanical things like operating can openers, programming VCRs, and playing Nintendo; In Star Wars, "Droids" do all the busy work more than half of the time.

11. In real life, people sometimes smell; In Star Wars, people are never "ripe," and yet they need not shower.

12. In real life, some people are just complete losers; In Star Wars, everybody has a story to tell that's worth listening to.

---

NEW!!!!!!

Star Wars IV: A New Hope

1. "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."

2. "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"

3. "Look at the size of that thing!"

4. "Sorry about the mess..."

5. "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."

6. "Aren't you a little short for a Storm Trooper?"

7. "You're got something jammed in here real good."

8. "Put that thing away before you get us all killed."

9. "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"

10. "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care WHAT you smell!"

Star Wars V: The Empire Strikes Back

1. "And I thought they smelled bad on the OUTSIDE!"

2. "Possible he came in through the south entrance."

3. "I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh, kid?"

4. "Hurry up, golden-rod..."

5. "That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for awhile."

6. "But now we must eat. Come, good food, come...."

7. "Control! Control! You must learn control!"

8. "There's an awful lot of moisture in here."

9. "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me."

10. "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"

Star Wars VI: Return of the Jedi

1. "Rise, my friend."

2. "Open the back door!"

3. "Hey, point that thing somewhere else!"

4. "It's just a dead animal..."

5. "Not bad for a little furball."

6. "How can they be jamming us if they don't know we're coming?"

7. "Come here, I won't hurt you. You want something to eat?"

8. "Keep on that one, I'll take these two."

9. "I want you to take her. I mean it, take her!"

10. "I don't think the Empire had wookies in mind when they designed her, Chewie."

---

Random Item #4: How to use Star Wars quotes to spice up your everyday life :

During an intimate moment ("is it in yet?"), reply, in exasperation, "negative.. didn't go in, just impacted on the surface."

During another intimate moment: "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper."

In yet another intimate moment look surprised and say "Look at the size of that thing!'

If the victim of any type of armed robbery, cower and say in a silly voice: "Away with your weapon! I mean you no harm!"

Claim that your car can do the kessel run in under 12 parsecs.

Always claim that "there is another."

Claim your running shoes are actually Calamari Cruisers.

When you eat onion rings, hold each one up and say "Look sir, Droids!"

If you get pulled over by the police, wave your hand and look at the officers intensely, and say in a confident voice: "You don't need to see my identification.... These are not the droids you are looking for."

Always claim that you can shoot womp rats in your T-16 back home.

If someone tries to hit on you, say: "I'd rather kiss a wookie."

If a friend who is a terrible driver offers to pick someone up for you say, "He's no good to me dead!"

If a female colleague is chatting about a wonderful man she's met, say: "He doesn't want you, he's after some guy called Skywalker."

If someone asks "Where are we?" reply, "Well, if there's a bright spot in the galaxy, you're on the point furthest from."

Whenever people come to your door, greet them with: "What's a nice girl/guy like you doing in a wretched hive of scum and villainy like this?"

Make wookiee noises at inappropriate moments, such as during board meetings.

If you can't reach the remote control, use the force.

When male friends are going out say, "Luke! Luke! Don't It's a trap!"

If someone has a piece of junk car, make the comment that "We'll never get this bucket of bolts past the blocade!"

Adaptable to many situations, both public and private: "You came in that? You're braver than I thought."

Claim that everything is "Most Impressive."

Call your dog Anger and release him often.

When you tell friends about the recent break up with your boyfriend, say "And I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me!"

When inviting friends to go out with you, say "Join us or die!" If someone uses this line on you, passionately declare "I'll never join you!"

If someone tries to break up with you, tell them "You cannot escape-- don't make me destroy you."

Have a bad feeling about everything.

While taking a difficult exam, look up to the ceiling and plead "help me Obi wan Kenobi, you're my only hope!"

When someone tries to apologize for something, tell them "'The Emperor is not as forgiving as I am."

Name your dog Rancor. Have a 'Beware of rancor' sign on your gate.

Greet people with "Ne wanga wanga" or "Goota toota Solo?"

When you get pulled over for a routine traffic stop, tell the police: "you will let me go." When they ask why, reply "Because I'm holding a thermal detonator!"

When someone tells you they love you, always reply with "I know."

As a marriage proposal, use the phrase: "Join me, and we can rule the galaxy together as husband and wife!"

Random Item #3: You Might Be a Redneck Jedi...

* You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
* Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
* You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
* At least one wing of your X-Wings is prime colored.
* You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
* You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
* The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
* Wookies are offended by your B.O.
* You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
* You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
* Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
* You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.
* You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
* You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
* Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
* You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
* You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
* You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
* You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

Random Item #2: The Star Wars Name Game:

This game is very easy to play, and it only takes about 60 seconds!

1. First, take the first three letters of your first name, then spell them in reverse.
2. Next, take the last syllable of the make of car you drive, and spell that in reverse as well.
3. Finally, remember the name of the last medication you took.

Here's an example: 1. Kristina = kri = irk
2. Escort = cort = troc
3. The last medication I used was Benzac.
HENCE, my Star Wars name is: Irk-Troc from the Planet Benzac.

Shall we try another? Let's do my grandma's name:
1. Margaret = mar = ram
2. Skylark = lark = kral
3. Let's assume the last medication she used was a pain reliever: Acetaminophen.
NOW we know that my grandmother's Star Wars name is: Ram-Kral, from the planet Acetaminophen. Coolness!

Random Item #1: The Best Star Wars Song

"YODA" by Weird Al Yankovich

I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
where it bubbles all the time
like a giant carbonated soda...
S.O.D.A., soda.

I saw the little runt sitting there on a log.
I asked him his name,
and in a raspy voice he said "Yoda,"
Y.O.D.A., Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo-Yoda

Well, I've been around but I ain't never seen
a guy who looks like a Muppet
but he's wrinkled and green!
Oh, my Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo-Yoda

Well, I'm not dumb but I can't understand
how he can lift me in the air just by raising his hand!
oh my Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo-Yoda

Well, I left home just a week before
and I've never ever been a Jedi before
but Obi-Wan, he set me straight of course:
He said, "Go to Yoda and he'll show you the Force."

Well, I'm not the kind that'll argue with Ben,
So it looks like I'm gonna start all over again
with my Yoda.
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

So I used the force.
I picked up a box.
I lifted some rocks.
Well, I stood on my head.
And I won't forget what Yoda said:
He said "Luke, stay away from the darker side,
and if you start to go astray let the Force be your guide."
Oh, my Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

"I know Darth Vader's really got you annoyed,
But remember if you kill him then you'll be unemployed!"
Oh, my Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

Well, I heard my friends really got in a mess,
so I'm gonna have to leave Yoda, I guess.
But I know that I'll be coming back some day;
I'll be playing this part till I'm old and grey.

The long-term contract I had to sign,
says I'll be making these movies till the end of time,
with my Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda...........

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Email: kgranby@gladstone.uoregon.edu