journal - december 200112.05.01 (wednesday) 10:30 pm... well ... i slacked off this weekend .. therefore causing my own suffering when i realized how much i had to do but didn't have time to do ... dax helped me with my program on sunday, though .. so at least i got that done .. monday and tuesday were crazy ... and today ... well .. i got all my math done ...i guess i haven't elaborated on the last week since thanksgiving ... when joseph came back last sunday (the sunday before this last sunday - the one right after thanksgiving) .. i stayed up and waited for him .. i wouldn't have done it for anyone else .. it was FREAKIN' COLD! .. it felt really good to be in his arms again .. :) ... okay, okay ... i'll shut up now .. or not ... the rest of the week i can't really remember .. except that joseph and i made a glorious discovery! .. that discovery being the vent from the clothes dryers in the basement .. it's WARM air! on the outside! .. so he and i stayed up real late a couple of nights last week .. sitting on the vent .. and talking ... we even went so far as to turn one of the dryers on just for the warm air ... we're weird .. do you have a problem with that? .. that's what i thought ... on friday, me and joseph, and dax and toby went to see how the grinch stole christmas in the varsity theatre on campus .. and on saturday, he took me to dinner at the brick oven .. mmmm ... and we went to see shallow hal .. it wasn't as funny as i thought it would be .. some of it was just sick and wrong .. and some of it was really sad - not funny ... anyway .. after that .. joseph and i spent a few hours conversing in my car .. sitting in the parking lot of dt ... it was a very enlightening experience .. the more i know about him .. the more i find out that he's like me .. the more i love 'im ... i'm so lucky .. how did i get so lucky? 12.10.01 (monday) 11:45 pmhmmm ... so much to say ... so little brain power to muster the strength and creativity to do so .. i had an interesting weekend .. it was fun .. but it was kind of one of those things where you just had to be there to understand how funny it was ... that's all i'm going to say about that ...last friday community h had it's last activity ... oh darn ... the food wasn't even that good .. but i was acting like i was on crack ... i couldn't stop laughing .. anyway ... on saturday i dyed my hair ... it was suppose to be blond ... but of course .. it's not ... it's more like a light brown/reddish color ... i don't know ... it's hard to describe .. and then there's today ... during book of mormon i started feeling sick ... and it just kept getting worse .. so i skipped english and took a nap ... unfortunately, i forgot to turn in my physics homework .. so i'm going to have to do that tomorrow ... yay ... ahhhh ... the semester's almost over .. woo hoo .. the only thing i'm not looking forward to is being away from joseph for so long :( ...i'm really glad that i won't have to think about any of my responsibilities for, like, a week, though ... well ... this entry kind of sucked ... only because i'm tired and sick and i have other things that i should be doing ... oh well .. later ... 12.21.01 (friday) 2:09 am*disclaimer: some of the things i say are purely in jest .. ie i don't really mean it ..well ... this is officially the last day of the semester .... i finally get a break from this place .. my parents will be here tomorrow afternoon ... i'm happy .. and yet .. kind of disappointed that the time seems to have flown by so quickly ... it doesn't seem like that long ago that we freshmen were gathered together out on dt field .. lead to believe that "Y" group attendence was necessary or expected ... of course .. once learned that it wasn't .. most of us did the rightand proper thing( ie "the smart thing") and just walked away ... why doesn't it surprise me that i haven't even seen my "Y" group leaders (let alone my "Y" group all "together")since september ... and then there's freshmen academy ... at least that survived the semester ... i know i was sick of it by last week .. when i accidentally slept through the last meeting ... i don't think it was a loss on my part ... you want to know the most distressing part? ... at our first "freshmen academy" meeting .. i made contact with joseph ... and i didn't even know it ... how do i know this now, you ask? .. because he had a piece of paper with my signature on it (admitting my deprived childhood - that being that i had never had my picture taken with santa) .. to think i could've saved myself the pain and misery of chasing after stupid guys who didn't like me .. but put up with my annoying presence because they just couldn't tell me they weren't interested ... i can't imagine the kind of disposition i would have now if i hadn't of decided to visit dax on the 10th of october ... would joseph and i have met at a later date? ... perhaps .. perhaps not .. would things have turned out differently ... who knows ... but i like where i am now .. where we are .. my only wish is that fate would have brought us together sooner .. so that i wouldn't have to be saying goodbye to him practically on the eve of our 6 month anniversary ... what will the next four or five months bring ... i most certainly don't know .. am i suppose to know .. 'cause if i make predictions i always end up being disappointed by reality ... i do know that the next four months will make the following two years the hardest period of time i'll ever have to suffer through .. it may even be worst than high school .. wait a minute .. that may not be possible .. the time would probably pass quicker if perhaps i actually had a goal in life ... right now i don't .. i don't think that "finishing college" counts ... i need some short term goals that i can manage fairly easily .. like .. get through today .. or this week .. or .. if i can just make it to the break, i'll be fine ..... none of this "plan for my future" crap ... it's all giberish .. meant for those who see direction and purpose in their lives ... disgusting ... have you noticed that i've been touching on a plethora of topics in this entry .. i'm quite proud of myself .. i haven't gotten bored or tired of writing yet .. considering that it's 2:30 in the morning ... i enjoy writing about the past .. sometimes i can't remember anything .. especially if it happened, like, yesterday ... but when i do remember .. good times .. even if these "good times" (which weren't that good) occurred before i met joseph *gasp* ... like when wendy drug me out on a "date" (to a crappy volleyball game, no less) with these creepy guys from w hall ... i was ready to ditch 'em ... and wendy wouldn't let me do it!! .. that's what i get for being the friend of a guy magnet ... she has a new date every night .. a female pimp ... anyway .. i think i've mentioned the pimp thing before .. if i haven't .. shame on me! ... what's more ... my car problems ... the thing is a frickin' black hole ... the piece-a-trash couldn't even make it 400 miles before breakin' down .. and it sounds like it's gonna explode any minute when you drive it ... and the doors get frozen shut ... and the wheels are flat ... and it's a constant source of horror and worry ... sometimes i wonder why i even brought the beast ... and then i start thinking clearly and remember the fact that i'm lazy (proven, of course, by the hour at which i have been chosing to rise lately .. that being 11 am) ... ahhh the things that i endure ... and then there's christmas ... four days away .. it seems unreal ... maybe because i'm not at home .. and i wasn't able to get the full effect of the "christmas spirit" (which i filthied today when i said "screw it" .. road rage - you must uderstand ... i was not under my own influence!) .. i think that maybe it's going to be a disappointment ... i kind of feel like i'm forgotten .. tucked away out in the middle of anal-nowheres-ville ... where i can't start fires, play with toys, or be with my man without getting a consescending stare ... i don't even have bowling to fall back on ... everything that i was good at has now been violently ripped from my grasp .. taking with them my skin and fingernails ... things just aren't the same anymore ... i'm now "responsible" for my own life ... what's up with that .. i can't do that .. i don't want to do that .. why can't it be more like high school - where if you screw up you can always correct it later ... out here .. if you mess up .. it effects the rest of your life! ... plus, it doesn't help that i'm way confused about somethings ... and the help i'm seaking doesn't seem to be coming anytime soon .. which is okay, i guess ... but hard for me because i'm impatient and i have a hard time seeing the greater picture, and whatnot .. but that's neither here nor there ... the fact that it's now 3 in the morning is a sign for me to stop typing ... seeing as how this is probably the LONGEST journal entry ever! ... until next time ... 12.30.01 (sunday) 11:40 pmi don't know how i'm suppose to top the last one .. in fact ... i really dont think that i should try ... given the fact that right now ... i really don't feel like writing anything ... but then again ... that's kind of how i felt the last time ... do i really have anything to say about anything ... ? that is a fascinating question ... i would say not ... but then again .. this is me we're talking about here ... me .. who considers past entries to be the worse-est stuff i've ever written ... though, that last entry was pure brilliance ... and i know that those of you who actually care .. enjoyed it ... which pleases me ... i hate to think that i'm going to disappoint my fans ... i apologize ahead of time ... but, by now, you're probably asking yourself .. "she's written a whole paragraph about absolutely nothing ... when's she gonna get to the good stuff???" (i.e. the non-boring, meaningless stuff) ....i've had a real hard time dealing with this seperation thing ... i know that some of you ... i'm not going to name any names (that means you tam!) ... don't care at all about this sort of thing .... you're bitterness is disgusting ... and perhaps that's one of the reasons why i've had such a hard time ... i feel isolated here (in my supposed home - where i sit around the house all day wondering what he's doing and if i ever cross his mind as he goes about his activities ... i just want to get away - go to my home ... i'm tired of the lonliness .. it saddens me .. more than anything else ... i don't know if you noticed, joseph ... but when we were talking on saturday night ... i was crying .. because i missed you SO much ... sometimes i wonder if people think that i'm pathetic ... sometimes i wonder if you think i'm pathetic ... for depending on you so much ... for everything ... when i'm not with you ... it's like i have a broken limb or something ... completely unable to function ... well ... maybe not completely ... but you get the idea ... why do things like this happen, joseph? ... why is it, that when you've finally found heaven .. it's taken away from you ......
|
