... * archive ...

journal - july 2001

07.02.01

so many events, so many obstacles, so much confusion . . . ya know what's great about academy? i always feel as if the experience teaches me a little more about myself . . i understand myself better . . i'm more confident about being me . . even though that may mean being a tad bit odd at times . . . i like myself a little more . . maybe it's the fact that these people don't judge me the way that others do . . i like that . .

when i was a camper, i used to think that counselors could do no wrong . . if i were i parent i would think that only the best people would be chosen to take care of my children . . . but i would be so wrong . . it's when you actually become one that you realize that counselors are just a bunch of alcholic pot-heads who get themselves sober for a week or two - you know, while they're taking care of other peoples children . . i don't know why, but i find that ironic . . sad, though . . .

while we're skipping from topic to random topic . . i've decided that i'm going to stop being stupid and give guys a chance . . instead of fearing change . . i'm going to attempt to embrance it . . it's not going to be easy but it will be worth it . . .

07.09.01 5:08 PM

okay tam, you're a frickin' genius . . congratulations . . but tasty is a wussy . . which makes your marvelous insight absolutely worthless . . . but thanks for mentioning me . . :) . . . i'm a genius too . . what can i say . .

anyway, onto greener pastures . . uh . . yeah . . how ironic . . nevermind . . so, back to what i was going to say . . i am such a whore . . i went on two . . count 'em . . two "dates" last week . . with two different guys . . . for the first, i went to see atlantis with this guy who asked me out three times! i finally consented . . he's a nice guy and we had fun, but i just can't see myself goin' there . . uh, no . . . that was on tuesday . . then there's the second which was on friday . . actually, it wasn't really a "date" . . we were just hangin' out at the bowlin' alley . . and he introduced me to thai food . . okay, so i guess it was kinda . . no . . i'm not that lucky . . anyhow . . his name's charles . . *drool* . . i think i'm in love . . there is one thing that i find incredibly sexy . . broad, muscular shoulders . . . does charles have broad, muscular shoulders . . . why yes, he does . . .

but that's not why i like him . . he is so intelligent . . . he has many strong political opinions that i tend to agreed with . . and on top of that . . he actually takes action concerning his political views . . . he says that the disney company is evil because of its unrealistic depiction of women . . how cool is it to hear that kind of thing from a guy . . and then there's his vegan-ism, which demonstrates an incredible amount of discipline . . i believe i have spoken of him before . . .

can i just say . . i consider myself to be a hypocrit . . why do you ask? . . . charles is 25 . . actually, he'll be 26 in august . . . what you don't realize is that i used to get after my friends who had boyfriends who were, like, 22 . . . and yet here i am . . obsessed with someone who is almost 8 years my senior . . . i was thinkin' about it today . . when i was twelve . . he was almost twenty . . isn't that gross? . . . anyway . . like i said . . hypocrit . . that's me . . . okay, so on top of all that good stuff . . . have i mentioned that he is a kick-ass bowler? . . . more *drooling* required . . . he's fabulous . . what can i say . . i know it's probably not going to turn into an actual relationship . . but i can dream can't i? . . .

07.13.01 6:26 PM

you will not believe who called me today!!! it was evan!!! how exciting!! i haven't seen or spoke to him in, like, a year and a half, or longer!!! exciting! my day is just so dang fabulous right now . . can't even describe it . . . evan was like one of the bestest friends i've ever had! and suddenly, right out of the blue he calls me up . . . my day, my month, my year has been made, my friends . . . there is no one on the earth that is happier than me right now!

07.16.01 10:06 PM

another day, another dollar . . . please sir, i want some mo' . . pain, that is . . sunburns suck! . . i received a mighty nasty one on saturday when i was "trying" to wake-board . . . i'm payin' for it now, that's for sure . . .

in the meantime i've been amusing myself by searching for name-generators on the net . . they're really quite amusing . . . gimme a break! i have no life! . . .

07.24.01 (tuesday) 8:19 PM

well, it's been a few days since i've written, so i decided that i would clue y'all in to what's been goin' on . . which is not much . . so what, the 16th was a monday . . so it's been a week . . what have i done this week? . . . i worked . . woop-it-dee-doo . . oh, hey . . for our FHE activity we went to the sharp's house and had a bbq and watched a movie in their little theatre . . they have an LCD projector . . it's a pretty sweet set-up they've got there . . and then we did some karaoke . . that was interesting . . there are a lot of people in my ward that have no shame . . . that's all i'm gonna say . . .

i really don't remember doing anything else until wednesday . . i had league . . it was pathetic . . i am/was going through a bad spot there . . i shouldn't be gettin 130s . . i'm better than that . . i know i'm better than that . . so anyway, thursday i was suppose to go to this swing dancing class with others from my ward, but i was forced to go to a girl's camp meeting . . so i missed 45 minutes of it! . . grr . . on friday, like a loser, i stayed home and sat on me bum in front of my computer, no less . . oh yeah, and i turned down an invitation to go see a movie . . sorry bruce . . i hate this singles ward nonsense . . I'M 18 FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD! . . . no, i don't want to date rms . . i know exactly what they want . . and i so don't want that! . . . grrr . .

anyway, i'm going to stop raving now . . . saturday . . i didn't do anything either, i don't think . . . then there's sunday . . for some reason charles didn't seem like he wanted to sit by me . . like i've told several of my friends . . i think he think's i'm annoying . . i wouldn't blame him . . but then again, he moved up to my row after sacrament meeting . . so i don't know . . . there was a fireside later about pioneer day . . the only reason i went was because charles went . . he even asked me if i would've been there if he hadn't of showed up . . i was honest . . i said "probably not" . . definitely not . . i feel like i have some fan club-like crush on this guy . . it's pathetic . . i just need to forget about it . . that's all . . though, we're going bowling on friday . . . he's so good . . *drool* . . ehh . . someone shoot me now!

07.28.01 (saturday) 12:04AM

i went bowling with charles tonight (and we also went to see "legally blond" . . he'll hate me forever for making him see that) . . *drool* . . i think i have a pathetic "fan club-like" crush on 'im . . . i don't think there's anything beyond our friendship . . which is kinda sad . . i really do like him, though . . or, at least, i think i do . . but my situation sucks right now . . i'm leaving in, like, a month . . and i won't be back 'til christmas vacation . . and by that time . . he'll be in hawaii . . and he won't be back in the contiguous until, like, march or april . . life bites that way . . . and guys just confuse things further . . ehhh . . . i don't want to think about this anymore . . .

07.29.01 (sunday) 6:53 PM

i had a really hard day yesterday . . emotionally . . and as i was logging onto my server to write about it . . i got the feeling i should take a look at my index . . i didn't know why until i read the quote . . and then i understood . . gosh . when did i put that up . . my understanding of it has completely changed . . "Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.'" . . . it holds new meaning now . . it holds truth . . because i've experienced it . . which makes all the difference in the world . . if you haven't already guessed . . this inevitably has something to do with charles . . .

yeah, immature love . . i know what that is . . you'll know it when you let your jealousy get the better of your logical judgement . . but realizing that i love him immaturely doesn't change the way i feel about him . . . and that angers me . . because i don't want to feel anything anymore . . once again . . i'm chasing after something that just is not within my reach . . something that i may have already known . . but that doesn't take away the feeling i get in the pit of my stomach when i see he and a person (who shall remain nameless) together . . it kills me . . .

. . i gave my friend katharine a ride to shari's last night after the dance . . i love katharine . . she's one of the few people that understands me farely well . . and she's one of the few people that knows for a fact that i like charles A LOT . . and she asked me something kind of odd (perhaps it was impressed upon her to ask it) as we were getting out of my car . . if ever it came down to it . . would i marry charles if he asked me? . . my response was . . no, if he remains the way he is . . . so, i guess a better question would be, do i want him to change for me? . . no . . i want him to change for himself . . okay, so, do i think that i'm too good for him? . . i hate to say it, but right now . . yes . . spiritually, he is most certainly not good enough for me . . and maybe that's something that i need to accept . . i know what i want . . in my life on this earth and in eternal life as well . . and i know what it takes to get there . . am i going to risk what i know will ensure my eternal happiness for a guy that deep down i know may be so far from reaching those same goals that it would be a burden to my spirit to continue to pursue him ? . . .

that, my friends, is a truly puzzling question . . perhaps it's about time i considered it, though . . is he worth it to me? . . i'm starting to believe that he's not . .

ya know, recently i sent a survey to one of the greatest friends i've ever had . . someone that i truly admire . . and there was this question . . something like "who do you think i'll marry" (the "i'll" being the person that sent you the survey) . . and to answer this question i said . . well, i don't know who he'll marry . . but i hope he'll find his soul-mate . . because that's the one person that will love you unconditionally . .

so i believe in having a soul-mate . . where does that get me? . . well, do i think that charles is my soul-mate? . . would i love him unconditionally? . . perhaps . . would he love me unconditonally? . . i don't think so . . it was practically love at first site for me . . different story for him, i'm sure . . . i get attached to people far too easily . . it's not something that i'm particularly proud of . . and it's messin' up my life, i think . . . i latch on and then can't let go when i realize that i've made a mistake . . .

i'm sick of all this . . i want it out of my head . . i don't want to think about it anymore . . it shouldn't even be worth the hours i've spent mulling over it in my mind . . . grrr . .

on a less pathetic note . . i did meet a really nice fella at that dance i was at . . his name's luke . . he's in the medford singles ward . . he just got back from his mission . . and we share similar tastes in music, as it turns out . . so maybe y'all will here more about that later on . . . the only bad thing about meeting people right now . . is that i'll be gone in a month . . and i'll probably never see them again . . .