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journal - may 20015.1.01my friends have repeatedly re-iterated to me that there's absolutely nothing wrong with me . . . so i have almost come to the conclusion that they must be right . . . almost being the key-word . . . they could be lying . . but that's unlikely . . . keeping this in mind . . . there's this guy that i've had a thing for for over a year . . . and right now, i would like nothing more than to tell him so . . . the question is . . . how and when . . . i don't exactly have a lot of time left here . . . but i still have this nagging voice in the back of my head that tells me that i have no chance whatsoever . . . i don't want to get hurt . . but i think that keeping it to myself will end up hurting me more in the end . . no matter how hard i try . . i just can't stop likin' the guy . . but no matter how badly i want to tell him this . . . i can't bring myself to actually do it . .5.4.01UUggghhhh . . . this day started out sooo good . . . and then, suddenly, i had the urge to shove an ice-pick through my eye . . . yes, that's right . . . ice-pick . . through eye . . . anyway, enough about that . . . why do these kinds of days happen . . . i was in such a good mood! now i just feel . . blaahhh . . . i'm drained . . . i don't care about anything right now . . . i have so many things on my mind at the moment that my brain's overloaded with all of this stuff that i have to deal with . . .you know, graduation is in, like, a month . . . hey, and guess what . . . i have no one to walk with! tam was my fall-back just in case i couldn't find anyone but she is now taken . . . grrr . . . well, we all know who i would like to walk with . . . and i'm workin' on that . . . really . . . i will ask him . . i'll probably beg him . . . i mean, who wouldn't want to sit in the first row with him? . . . *drool* . . . i don't know . . . it's all very frustrating to me right now . . . i think i'm living a lie here . . . what can i possibly have that he can't find in some girl who's perfect in every way shape and form . . . not that i think he's shallow . . . i think quite the opposite . . but, i just think that he deserves better than me . . and if i think otherwise the only person i'm kidding is myself . . . 5.8.01if i could muster up all the courage in the world . . . i would still be slain by my doubts . . . it's just something that i can't get past! . . . i am such a chicken! . . . it's not as if i'm asking the guy to marry me or anything! . . . but still i find it very difficult . . . i'm not afraid that he'll say no . . i'm afraid he'll say no and then never speak to me again . . . i have to see the guy bright and early every morning! . . . it would be too mortifying! . . .i just couldn't handle that . . . i don't have very much time left, here . . . it's kind of sad . . . i was gettin' a ribbin' at break today . . . my friends don't seem to see any reason why i should be nervous about this . . . i try to make them understand . . . but they don't . . they don't have inhibitions . . they're the kind of people that would do just about anything for, like, a dollar . . . i wish that i had the ability to disregard what others think of me . . but it's always there . . . lurking . . . debilitating . . .5.25.01life is good . . . i just gave my senior speech in front of my english class yesterday . . and i did great, thank you very much. it was a piece of cake (for the first time in, like, my whole life!) i have to give it in front of the judges this coming thursday . . fun, fun . . but to me, that means that i am so done! and it's not a big deal anymore . . i have no more stress about this and it feels absolutely fabulous!today was senior skip day, so i got up and went to seminary, and then went home. but then i went back for 3rd period to take a calculus test . . . i'm lazy . . i don't want to have to remember all that stuff over a four day weekend . . . i've just been sittin' around my house since then . . . anyway . . . hey! it's memorial day weekend! how awesome is that? i'm goin' to the coast on monday! woo hoo . . .it's gonna be a heck of a lot of fun. i know i'll have something to say about it afterward ;). i guess i haven't relayed the info that i am so over that guy . . . i have a new obsession now . . . actually, that's kind of a mean thing to say . . . he's a really great guy that i'm attracted to . . and i'm thinkin' that he's got a thing for me too . . . he's a bowler, and a member of my church. he's a vegan . . i admire that; limiting yourself to non-meat (or meat by-products) is a tough thing to do . . . he's also 25 . . not that i have anything against older guys . . i adore the guy, i really do . . . my concern is how my parents would react to info like that. i think they would freak out. definitely. anyway, this new development is why i am just so excited about this coast trip . . if he goes, we can spend the entire day together! *sigh* i know, i know . . . i'd better not get my hopes up here . . . so, besides all that good stuff . . prom is next weekend . . . it's gonna be fun . . . i'm going with my friend bri . . . i've never been to a dance at my school before so it should be interesting. i've never been much of a dance-goer either, so it's not a great tragedy . . . i don't feel that i've missed out on anything because of my absense at these activities . . . but this year is my last year! i need to be able to tell my future children that i went to prom my senior year! and i don't need a man to go with me either! guys are dumb anyway . . . friends make much better prom dates . . . :) until then . . . 5.28.01i'm a little disgruntled . . . i was suppose to be going to the beach today . . but no . . it was cancelled and now my dreams are crushed! . . no, just kidding . . . but i'm still disgruntled . . anyway, instead of going to the beach, i am now going to medford to look for "prom shoes" . . although i doubt i will find anything that will match my dress . . it's really pink . . so that will definitely be a challenge . . but at least i'm not stuck at home all day :) . . . yeah, anyway . . .
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