MISCELLANEOUS
SOME GOLF HUMOR
Follow Through
A golfer was playing the 18th at his local course which runs along the expressway when he hooked his tee shot out on to the road,through the window of a bus which crossed the median strip then proceeded to wipe out 10 cars. The police officer attending the accident came over to the golfer and said "See what you did,what are you going to do about it?"
The golfer replied "Well, I'm going to open my stance a bit and try and finish high on my follow through".
Fez Montez ....Sydney Australia
Slow Play
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us?" They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
Why Golf Is Better Than Sex
* A below par performance is considered good.
* You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
* You can still make money doing it as a senior.
* Three times a day is possible.
* Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.
* If you live in Florida, you can do it every day.
* You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
And best of all ...
* If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it.
When playing poorly my friend told me one day....
"Just think how well I'd be playing if I weren't too sick to go to work today."
ZAP......Loveland, Colorado
Golf Truisms: Hazards attract, fairways repel ...
1. If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
2. The game of golf is 90 percent mental and 10 percent mental.
3. Because bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
4. When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
5. Any change works for a maximum of three holes and a minimum of not at all.
6. No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
7. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
8. When your shot has to carry a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
9. If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out,
you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
10. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
11. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors.
12. If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.
13. Golfers who claim they don't cheat, also lie.
14. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
15. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.
16. It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 10.
17. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
18. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
19. It's not a gimme if you're still away.
20. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
21. There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces, and bounces just the way you meant to play it.
22. You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10 percent of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90 percent of the time.
23. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple-bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
24. If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
25. To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back swing by his handicap. Example: back swing 30 mph, handicap 20, downswing 600 mph.
26. There are two things you can learn by stopping your back swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
27. Hazards attract; fairways repel.
28. You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.
29. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
30. If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker.
31. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
32. Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
Thanks...from Bill...Meadville, Pa
Golf Instruction
After receiving tennis lessons the previous day, a resort guest decided to
take a golf lesson the following morning.
Upon meeting the instructor, he asked...
"What's the difference between golf and tennis?"
Without hesitation, the instructor replied...
"Tennis is like murder -- you just want to kill the other player."
"Golf is like suicide -- you just want to kill yourself."
Bob Hope Humor
"We have 51 golf courses in Palm Springs. He (Gerald Ford) never decides which course he will play until after the first tee shot...At least he can't cheat on his score- because all you have to do is look back down the fairway and count the wounded."
"I'd give up golf if I didn't have so many sweaters."
"I like to play in the low 70s. If it gets any hotter than that, I'll stay
in the bar!"
Bob Hope said to Arnold Palmer- "you got to admit
that my short game is pretty good."
Arnold- "yah
but your short game is off the tee!"
Sand Bagger
An octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play, but was told that there wasn't anybody he could play with because they were already out on the course. He repeated several times that he really wanted to play today.
Finally, the assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked him how many strokes he wanted for a bet. The 80 year old said, "I really don't need any strokes as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have, is getting out of sand traps."
And he did play well. Coming to the par four 18th, they were all even. The Pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and two-putt for a par. The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green.
Playing from the bunker he hit a high ball, which landed on the green and rolled into the cup. Birdie, match and all the money!
The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing in the trap. He said: "nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?"
Replied the octogenarian "I do, would you please give me a hand."
Caddy Smack
A hack golfer spends a day at the plush country club ... knocking balls around the course and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy.
Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. About the 18th hole, he spots a lake left of the fairway.
He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."
The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."
Golfing Pain
A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Smith for a new set of dentures in the morning. His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before.
"Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"
"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the groin. That was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."
Which Way Did It Go
I'm going to have to give up golf," Fred sadly advised the club secretary. "I've become so nearsighted I keep losing balls and if I play with glasses they keep falling off."
"Listen, don't give up;" the secretary replied. "What about teaming up with old Harry Jones." "But he's in his 80s and can only just make it around the course."
"Yes, yes, he's old, but he's also farsighted and he'll be able to see where you've hit your ball. It's a way to stay on playing."
The next day Fred and old Harry played their first game together. Fred teed off first and his powerful swing took the ball sailing up the fairway.
"Did you see it?" he asked Harry. "Yes," the old-timer answered.
"Where did it go?" "I forget!" came the reply.
Dedication
Jack and Frances are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
Jack says to Frances, "Frances, I was wondering ... have you ever cheated on me?"
Frances replies, "Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question."
"Yes, Frances, I really want to know. Please..."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."
"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.
"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old, and you really wanted to start the business on your own, and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Frances, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number two?"
"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack, and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it Frances, that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved."
" So, all right then, when was number three?"
"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club, and you were 17 votes short..?"
Religious Challenge
The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Ariel Sharon, the leader of Israel.
"Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Sharon wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match."
The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.
"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Ariel Sharon ... we can't lose!"
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match.
"I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.
"Second?!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Ariel Sharon?!"
"No," said Palmer, "second to Rabbi Woods."
Tee Shot
It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Pete was beginning his pre shot routine.
As he was visualizing his upcoming shot, a voice came over the loudspeaker, "Would the gentleman on the ladies tee please back up to the men's tee, please!"
Pete was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement, "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up to the men's tee!"
Pete had had enough.
He yelled, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!"