Once upon a time, there lived a large spider mite named Gus and he lived in a fig tree along the banks of the river Phlegm. One night, a very cold night since this was the middle of winter and the geographic location of the fig tree was conducive to cold winters, Gus found himself to be very cold and finding himself in such a state, he decided to go for a walk to generate some heat in his spider mite body.
And walk he did. He walked and walked. He walked under the place where the sky fell. He walked the crowded streets alone. He walked 'til he came upon a Brussels sprout patch which had but one Brussel sprout. And the Brussels sprout said, "Where ya goin', mate?" Gus was startled since the Brussels sprout had never spoken to him before. "I ain't goin' nowhere," was all Gus could utter. "Well, why are ya walking if ya ain't goin' nowhere?" asked the sprout who was turning a bit brown since he was out of season. Gus thought about this for a while and then remembered he was cold, "Hell, I'm cold." The sprout feeling a bit abrasive, snapped, "Hell, I'm out of season. Do you see me bitchin' and moaning about it?"
With that, Gus became very angry and being a former postal employee, he knew how to do it properly. He grabbed the sprout with two of his hands and yanked it out of the ground. The sprout was so scared, he shit himself which landed in a pile before two of Gus' feet. Gus ripped and bit and chewed and mangled and hacked and bludgeoned and stabbed and shot the sprout until there was nothing left but a brownish green leafy pile of the former Brussels sprout.
Gus was feeling warmer from all the physical activity and gazed upon the spot where the sprout had once been. He noticed a a small heap of something but was not quite sure what it was. He reached down to investigate, it was soft but not mushy and he lifted it up... It was a shirt! The happy spider mite put it on and he was warm and toasty. And it came to pass that every winter, Gus would search the countryside looking for out of season Brussels sprout so that he may scare the poop out of them and keep warm for the winter...
And so he lived happily ever after...
The Great Celestrial WeeSaul wishes to thank Koko the Gorilla for making this story possible...
