12-29-99
I'm right now thinking about how damn cool it's going to be to write a double zero date in a couple days here. Let's all hope nothing bad happens to angelfire in the meantime. *smiles*
My eye is on the ball. I've got a goal. I'm striving for it. I slip, we all do, we all mess up sometimes. But I'm making leaps and bounds. I'm winning. The beauty is, I don't think I can lose because it's a win win situation, as long as I am trying. Life is beautiful. *chuckles*
AGAIN with the e-mail not sending. Ah well, I call it quits for the night.
12-28-99
Time. Time is flying fast. I love when I lose track of time, except when it affects me negatively. I should, by all rights, have been in bed hours ago. But I lost track of time, reading, looking through my CDs, playing video games. And it's a great feeling, in a way, because I know that I was enjoying myself (in a mindless sort of way). Now I think perhaps that last part shouldn't have been merely parenthetical, because perhaps that was the important comment. Mindless entertainment. That's what my winter break, my vacation time, should be all about. Mindless entertainment, and alone time, are exactly what I need right now. Thank god I'm taking advantage of it, for I'm doing what I want to. Yay!
The only thing annoying me right now is that my e-mail won't send. GRR!
12-27-99
It's sad to realize that I am no longer the point of Christmas, but it is a wonderful experience to see Christmas through the eyes of a young cousin (or really any young child). It is especially nice when the young child is not enjoying it because they might get to play with these toys soon, or because they are getting things and attention, but rather simply because it is Christmas. Family, loved ones, surprise, the idea of Santa Claus..all of it is beautiful. It is amazing to imagine how much faith a kid must place in old Saint Nick. Faith is a tricky thing for me. I seem to place my faith in all the wrong places. Not that I mind, too much anyway. I have never really wanted a deity.
Do they love Santa because he is Santa, or because he brings them gifts? This is the only thing that worries me..
12-22-99
The horseman continues his journey across the desert as the wraith in black bears down. What is this sight, you ask? The horseman in the desert, riding like the wind as if he were fleeing the sun. Ha, laughs the wraith, the war-beast, death with wings. Ha, for the horseman cannot escape. His is to flee, always to flee, and never to succeed. Tendrils of the wraith's blackened flesh begin to envelop the horseman, who speeds faster, as his flesh ages with the dark corruption. The age wisens him, as he grows to understand his horse better and he speeds along. The death wraith, chaos, is just as adaptable, I'm afraid, and it moves faster as well. Our poor doomed horseman, in this poor desolate, lonely desert, knows his limitations. He knows his time for this earthly plain, this desert of his existence, is quite soon to be up. And he would rather not this time be spent, like fate would have him, in flight. He would rather not his world be a world of mad chases. He spins, facing the wraith, facing the war-monger, facing destruction himself..and overshoots. The wraith, unable to turn, one sided and uni-directional, is moving too quickly to catch him on the way through...and the horseman is left unscathed. For the few brief seconds, for the scant instants of his complete freedom, the horseman rejoices. He sees the next wraith, across the desert, bearing down upon him..but he knows now, he accepts now, that he had, in that brief instance of triumph, seen his worth. He closes his eyes, and soon enough, he is no more.
12-21-99
I refuse to be sad, my friends. I refuse to fall for the guilt trips. And I refuse to change the way I act. I am happy right now, and I will not fall! I shall not kneel down before the wind. I shall not second guess myself. I am Adam Lugibill, I am myself, and goddamnit, no one will ever take that away from me.
12-20-99
If you watch chain of events types of movies and play enough video games wherein one little action triggers a series of actions, you'll start to realize that small things might effect a series of events that will inevitably alter how life unfolds. I think everyone has thought about what might have happened had they chosen to take that route instead of this one, or if they had chosen to play the saxophone instead of the piano..
But all of this is merely an aside for a very specific thing that I'm thinking about right now. It's amazing how much difference in a person's life a head cold might make. For me, being slightly sick does not mean that I cannot function, nor does it mean I must let the whole world know about it (though it seems I'm doing so now..irony or contradiction, take your pick). It just means that I start running a little slower, taking a little longer to process things, sleeping in a little later, and most definitely being quite a bit less coherent. I just basically get spacy, delirious, and innocently honest.
See? I'm rambling, at least partially cause I'm ill. Basically, I just noticed today how many things change when I'm slightly sick. I might turn down an offer to do something that I otherwise would have taken simply because I'm feeling a little too slow. Or I might choose not to write something because I'm incapable of formulating coherent sentences. Or I might tell someone something that I've always wanted to tell them but just didn't. So maybe..maybe though I can't harness it (as intangible as the wind), the sickness..the illness..the small head cold is good for me. So if that's the attitude, then really, why be upset about it? I may bitch..I may be uncomfortable..but in the end, it's all working out anyway. Yay for head colds!!
I cannot believe I just said that. Someone seriously needs to talk some sense into me. *chuckles*
12-19-99
Today's little journal entry shall be different than as per usual. In the past, when I was in a gaming guild, I used to make top ten lists on occasion (that usually had far more than ten items in it), and I feel like doing one tonight. However, this shall not be itemized or ordered. Basically, I think I'll write the ten CDs that I am listening to the most right now. Notice that in no way shape or form are these my ten favorite CDs..they just happen to be the ones floating through my CD player the most often right now, while I'm home. Since I'm listening mostly late at night and when I'm doing other things, the style reflects that (nothing too hard). And since my sister stole all my Tool...well, you'll notice a distinct lack of my favorite band. ;)
In no order:
Our Lady Peace - Happiness Is Not a Fish that You Can Catch
Didn't like this CD much at first, to be perfectly honest..now I can't stop listening to it. *shrugs* Pretty much everyone knows who Our Lady Peace is and what they soudn like so..not much else to say about that.
UNKLE - Psyence Fiction
Mostly laid back and techno-ey, with guest appearances from Thom Yorke to Mike D, it's chewy, sweet, and packed with life-giving vitamins and minerals. Alright you can tell I'm delirious.
Jimmie's Chicken Shack - Bring Your Own Stereo
This CD is just neat. The Shack is going to make so much money off of this album it's unbelievable. I'm so looking forward to seeing them..again (the fourth time!)..on the 25th of January.
Silverchair - Neon Ballroom
The third album from the infamous Australian band. You know, I've heard a lot of people who think they have these refined, wonderful musical tastes ripping on Silverchair, but let me tell you, this album is really good. They've matured quite a bit.
Gomez - Bring It On
Bluesy and mellow. Sort of happy and sad at times, which is a good thing, I'm sure.
Nine Inch Nails - The Fragile (both disks)
It's Nine Inch Nails, it's Trent Reznor, and yes, he's still pissed off, and yes, he's still depressed. And yes, the music is still beautiful, painful, and wonderful.
Mogwai - Come On Die Young
Ambient sort of tripped sort of background stuff to listen to when you're..well..relaxing.
Lost Highway (soundtrack)
Jazz - rock - jazz jazz - rock - jazz and then repeat. Gotta love it, seriously, just a great CD.
Radiohead - The Bends
My personal favorite of the Radiohead CDs, I probably couldn't listen to this CD too much.
That's it..that's ten CDs, unless I'm mistaken. I'm done talking about myself now. G'night.
12-18-99
I've said this before but I'll say it again. Sometimes phone calls mean a lot more than they should. Sometimes it's nice to hear a voice that you hear only rarely, or that you haven't heard in a while. Sometimes it's nice to remember that people really care, and that people miss you. Sometimes it's good to hear that, too.
I realize that the only way to be happy is to make myself happy, for happiness gained through the company of others or through any means other than my own mind and joyfulness is a happiness that is inherently fleeting (for once the others leave, the drugs wear off, the pleasure is over, the happiness must fade as well).
12-17-99
I think, sometimes, that people hurt themselves more than anyone else could hurt them. I think that sometimes we blame ourselves for things that we cannot control and that we fill ourselves with guilt, working ourselves into some kind of a fervor that is completely unnecessary. Sometimes we hurt ourselves because we feel like we need to be hurt. Sometimes we depress ourselves because we think we deserve it. But none of it is true. Even if one has done something horrible, it is never necessary to hurt, or blame, or feel guilty. Why not? Because..well there's no reason to pay for things that are already over. It's done, been done, and cannot be taken back. To punish yourself over it is ridiculous. Move on, and learn from it.
Today I came home. Today I came, rather, back to Conneaut Lake. Whether it's home or not is a subject for some debate and I don't think I'm capable of deciding that. I'm sure I'll be writing about that quite a bit in the next few weeks...
12-16-99
General -> Friendship -> Adoration -> Family
My four degrees of love. Don't ask me where enemies fit into it. That would just be too confusing.
12-15-99
You know..sometimes, stuff is good for no reason. Whee!!! (Sorry to disappoint folks, but I just don't feel like writing tonight)
12-14-99
And now as this week of finals draws to a close (for surely it is drawing to a close; I have but one final left and it is on Friday) I have to wonder to myself: What do I have to go home to? A handful of friends who, though I want to see a lot, I am growing apart from..a house that is hardly my home anymore..mixed feelings and emotions from seeing things that bring up some startling memories..my family who I love and miss but who are not really as involved in my life as they were at one point in time..and the rest is all material and superficial. So why do I want to go home? To rest, a break from classes? Sure, but it's not as if I haven't had a break lately anyway. A break from State College? Sure, but I love it here. A break from my room? Sure...and I surely need that...
So, sadly, I suppose that's what it amounts to. I very much so look forward to seeing my family and friends back home, but I've family and friends here too, new ones that I value very highly. I dunno, I'm at that awkward in between phase between 'Adam's life' and 'Family life'. I dunno if I wanna be alone yet. But then again..I do like it. So it's a confusing thing.
12-13-99
Well, some days are excellent, some days are just good, and somedays are just frustrating as hell. Sometimes you wake up and you know that these first few hours of the day are going to be the best. It's a sad state of affairs.
Well, I guess it's pretty obvious that today was one of those days. And I suppose that I should still be in a bad mood now, because though I don't think anything that happened today was horrible, I have plenty of things to be less than happy about. But I just can't be in a bad mood. I just can't seem to pull it off. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's the fact that, even if I wish things were different, life is really neat right now. And maybe it's because I just am not an unhappy person. I like being happy more. It's more fun. Ah well.
12-12-99
Well, folks..apparently my personality is most closely matched to Wicket, of Return of the Jedi fame. You know, the Ewok. Weird. Go here to check out your own if you want. Sorta scary, I'll admit.
So deep thought for the day? Well, first of all, I have to wonder why people read this every day. If I wasn't me, I'd be bored by my crazy selfish thoughts. So...here's a thought. All y'all crazy people who read this..I know there's at least two of you!! Let me know what you'd like to hear about the most and I'll write about it sometime soon. E-mail me whatever you want to hear, or whatever you think I should tackle. Be it penguins or skeletal strangenesses.
'Night. ;)
12-10-99
It feels like Christmas. The air is cold, the breezes cut through like a knife, and the air has that certain crisp feeling to it. There may not be snow anymore, there hasn't been for a while, but that doesn't change the atmosphere, the feeling in the air. I haven't decided whether Christmas is a good feeling or not, but it brings with it the idea of some type of ideal of love and happiness, and I'm definitely for that. This ideal is that universal love and unparalleled happiness can be given with a simple gift. I suppose this is an excellent idea, and I am all for it. Love, happiness, family, friends..what else do we need? Well, food, water, shelter...but what else do we need?
12-9-99
Two important thoughts for the day.
Number 1: Adjectives are funny. We want them but we need to pretend like we don't.
Number 2: I can live without you, but I can't live without you.
These two make such perfect sense to me right now that I feel no further need for explanation..though I'm sure in two weeks I'll have no clue what I was thinking.
12-8-99
I received encouragement today in the form of good news. It turns out that I am on a good path towards getting into a graduate program, and that is a good thing. I was somewhat concerned because I'm not involved in a lot of activities and that I might not have the grades, but since the grades in my philosophy classes and my related classes are going very well, that is what really matters. This makes me very happy.
In addition, today I played laser tag, which is another thing to be happy about. How can I be sad when I have laser tag? Running around, shooting my buddies with little red lasers that don't really hurt them, strategizing a bit, getting sweaty..that's what life is all about.
More things to be happy about? Well, it's cold outside but not too cold. I think people are grand, most of the time. Even when things are bad, I know that they will be better eventually. In addition I've been sleeping extremely well, which is most excellent.
On the down side, there's not much worth mentioning. I'm doing well, and I am quite happy with this. If you can think of something that is not going well in my life, please let me know so I can write about it. ;)
12-7-99
Today I have learned that it is entirely possible that someone might say something without thinking about it that means so much that it becomes impossible to say anything in reply. I think that it's very easy to say clichéd things, to simply use the old terms when we want to say nice things to people. But perhaps it is when we are using awkward terminology, talking about something at the wrong angle, that we say the sweetest things. I think it is in unintentional flattery that it has its greatest meaning, and that I find myself unable to speak or to even think of a reasonable and worthwhile reply.
And surely this is the most unintelligible thing I've put on the journal so far, which says a lot. Suffice it to say that some people have a penchant, a knack, for making me feel good about myself without even meaning to. It is these people to who I am most indebted. Thank you.
12-6-99
I'm curious, right now, as to why people worry about things. Please don't get me wrong here, because I'm not trying to say that I never worry about anything; on the contrary, I do. I'd like to think that I don't worry more than necessary, but the fact of the matter is that I do worry. So why do people worry, just a little or a whole bunch? Is it because they are concerned? Is it because they are afraid of the future? Is it because they need to feel some amount of control? I cannot honestly say that I know the answer, but I know this.
Worrying is mostly futile. I'm sure of this. Yes, the future is scary, and not knowing what it might bring is a most disconcerting thing at times. Perhaps because we do not know what tomorrow may bring, we sometimes worry about whether we are making the right choices, or about whether something is good or bad or whether someone will be alright. But how much better is it to make the choice, to trust that this something is good, and to know that this person will be fine and to have this choice fulfilled, to believe, and to know, than it would be to simply stew in worry. I cannot imagine worry ever helping the situation. It can make one feel better..both the worrier and the object of the worry, if it is a person. It is more likely to make everyone feel worse, however.
So what am I saying? Yet again..live, and don't overanalyze life. In other words, do as I say, not as I do. ;)
12-5-99
I saw a movie today. It was called Being John Malkovitch, and it was nice and funny and good and sad and happy and wild and crazy and just really neat. There were so many just crazy things that the movie sorta made me think of. It was all about puppetism. Nothing that I wanted to happen in this movie happened. I think that's probably the best sign that it was a truly worthwhile movie.
In addition, it made me think. Here's one thought that I have, that I've always had but I sort of had the inspiration to sort of rethink my angles here. I've always thought to myself that if someone were watching me, sometimes I wouldn't like it. Sometimes when I'm looking in the mirror or something I'll think to myself that I hope no one is watching through this mirror, because I don't like the thought of someone looking at me. But what if they were looking through my eyes? Seeing things that I see? Feeling things that I feel? Wanting what I want? What would they think? They would think a lot of things, of course. And I realized there would be things that I would be ashamed of, things I wouldn't want them to see/watch/feel through. Or there might be something that this person would want me to do so badly that I just don't. I would be letting down this person watching the world through my eyes, feeling the world through my emotions. So perhaps..perhaps here's yet another reason for me to do what I've been doing, what I advocate doing. Let me clarify, what I'm saying here is that if we assume someone is watching through our eyes..no wait. If I assume that someone is watching through my eyes, then I shouldn't do things that I'd be ashamed of, and I should always do that which I want to do. So in other words..I should do what I want and not be ashamed. And act on my feelings. Whee!! That was a random spiel of thought.
12-3-99
For Christmas, I am asking for a lot of music CDs and video games, coupled with a few movies and some odds and ends. Every year for almost as long as I can remember I have asked for video games and music CDs. And I'll get them, and they will fill me with happiness for a while. But I have a few things that I'd want for Christmas that are not on my list, but they are the things that I'd truly want. And the thing is, I cannot ask for them at all or they become demeaned. They are things that I'd want but if I asked for them, they wouldn't be the same.
I know one thing I want for Christmas is no guilt! *smiles*
12-2-99
You know, I'm a singer. Everywhere I go, everything I do, I'm always singing. Whether I'm in my room, in the shower, in class, on the way to class, or on the sidewalk with my friends, I'm usually either singing or have a song running through my head. I embarass people, I mangle lyrics, and I love it. I don't particularly care that my voice is not the best, or that I sing songs that some people think are dumb (indeed often that I think are dumb, too). But there are some things that just totally ruin it for me. In particular, drunken fools singing their drunken fool songs just make me think perhaps that I should stop singing altogether. I mean, let's be honest..when you hear a drunken person mangling and slandering a song, how can you sing it without thinking of that?
They mangled Jack and Diane..the nerve. ;) Is nothing sacred?
For the love of god someone come up with a better title for this page...
12-1-99
Now I've figured it out. People let their guards down around me. They trust me. That's why when I say something that any normal person might say it makes them so much more upset..
