Pierce the wheelbarrow woke up one day as Farmer Jim opened the shed door, and he said as loudly as he could "Farmer Jim, Farmer Jim, I need a shower! How do you expect me to carry things for you if I don't get a shower?" But Farmer Jim either couldn't understand Pierce, or he just chose not to listen, for soon he was pushing him out to the fields, where he had a good many clumps of dirt just waiting to be transported. Now it just so happened that Farmer Jim liked to talk, and he was trying to write a book, so he began speaking the next parts of the book he was writing. It also so happened that Farmer Jim was one of the only people in recorded Encumbrian history that were capable of making things come to life when they spoke of them. Farmer Jim, however, had very poor grammar, so the things he created were a little...unusual.
"Henry were pleased. Opening the door, the room seemed very quiet." Suddenly, Pierce the wheelbarrow felt upon his back a new creature. As Farmer Jim kept on reciting his book and piling dirt upon Pierce, the wheelbarrow and this new creature had their own little conversation.
"Hello little creature. My name is Pierce MacKinley Wheelbarrow the Third, but my friends all just call me Pierce or Stupid. What is your name?"
"Calling myself George, they say I am a dangling participle. Having no forehead, it is nice to meet you."
Pierce was a little baffled by the creature, but he couldn't see it so didn't know whether to believe it was real. "Come out here where I can see you, George the dangling participle."
A creature soon fell roughly to the ground in front of Pierce. It was brown and had large green eyes. Its head was approximately triangular in shape; its tail was very long. It indeed had no forehead, and it looked sort of like a mammal, because it was very furry.
"Falling from the wheelbarrow, the ground was very hard," said George. "Having been formally introduced, you are very red."
"Thank you," said Pierce, "I think..."
By this time Farmer Jim had come a good deal further in his story, and the main character Henry was on his way to the mines of Nebraska. "He rushed quickly across the room, going as slowly as possible."
Suddenly Pierce felt a new creature upon his back. "Hello," said Pierce. "What are you?"
"I am the night that shines like the day, I am the moon that sets over the ocean, I am the mammal that lays eggs and has scales. I am Olbert Effelberg, the contradiction."
"Well hello, Olbert. I am Pierce MacKinley Wheelbarrow the Third, but you can just call me Pierce if you'd like. This here's George. He's a dangling participle."
"I am pleased to meet you, though I can tell I will hate you both." With these words Olbert Effelberg the contradiction jumped to the ground where he stood with George. The two made a smashingly unusual couple. Olbert was scaled and ugly, but he was somehow extremely beautiful at the same time. His eyes were blue, yet at times he didn't appear to have any eyes at all. He had no tail, but once when he turned around too fast he struck Pierce hard with something...there was something unusual about this Olbert.
"I love you, Pierce, but I'm going to kill you," said Olbert, when suddenly a new creature was riding the wheelbarrow. It jumped onto Olbert's back and pinned him to the ground before drawing his sword and slaying the strange beast. As it died, Pierce could swear that it was just being born. He was glad to see that one go.
"Allow me to introduce mine self," said the little man with the sword. He had a green hat on and light brown clothing. He was indeed a little man with red hair and a little red mustache and goatee. He bowed deeply before Pierce and said, "I am called Sir Triss the archaic expression, and I am at your service, mine master. Perchance I can aid you in some manner?"
Pierce laughed to himself and said, "No, you have helped me plenty, thanks. By the way, I am Pierce the wheelbarrow and this is George the dangling participle. You just killed Olbert the contradiction."
"Aye, I can see this. Hast thou the time? I needs must be returning to my humble abode before too long, for mine own family awaits me."
"You have a family?" asked Pierce. "I had assumed that you were created by Farmer Jim."
"I suppose I was summoned by this mighty wizard, but I was not created. I have an existence of mine own, and I needs must return there."
"Well, we'll see what we can do. Maybe if Farmer Jim finishes his story you will all get home. It is hard to say."
"Going home, it is nice outside," said George.
Suddenly a new creature was on Pierce's back. It was getting a little bit old, really. The creature didn't even speak, it merely jumped to the ground, where Pierce saw that it was totally black and white, without a touch of color anywhere. It had four legs and two arms, and its head was shaped kind of like an ostrich's, though it did not have a very long neck. Its feet ended in four toes which each held a single wicked claw that curved upwards and held a nasty point that gleamed in the sunlight. Pierce wondered what the thing was, and introduced himself and the two others before it finally spoke.
said the thing. The others looked at Tollof and wondered how he talked so cool, but could do very little. They looked at each other and at Farmer Jim, and Pierce realized that they could not leave until he did something, until Farmer Jim ended the story.
"Henry walked towards the end of his journey. He had found so many things, so many wonderful little secrets about life. His head was full of terrible thoughts of bad things that frightened him terribly."
Suddenly Pierce felt two creatures upon his back. They each jumped to the ground, and Pierce saw that they were exactly the same, if just a little bit different. They were each very colorful and very hairy, kind of like a koosh ball only a little crazier. One began rolling around on the ground while the other introduced itself.
"My name is Rolli. I am a little bundle of excitement to finally make your acquaintances, Pierce, George, Sir Triss, and Tollof. I am an expression." As he finished his introduction, he bounced off to jump around while his friend came over to make an introduction.
"My name is Rolli. I am a little bundle of excitement to finally make your acquaintances, Pierce, George, Sir Triss, and Tollof. I am a redundant expression." As he finished his introduction, the other Rolli said "You got that right." The redundant Rolli said "I've got that right."
Pierce was having a lot of fun with these creatures, but it was getting rather old, new creatures appearing on his back and all. Finally he decided to end it, and so fell to his side, dumping all of the dirt out on the ground. "Little sonuva..." said Farmer Jim before he picked Pierce up and pushed him back to the shed. "Guess I'll just have to give up for the day and go inside. Maybe I can finally finish my book. Yeah..."
Pierce, George, Sir Triss, Tollof, and the two Rollis waited in the shed to see if anything would change, but it didn't. In fact over the night two new creatures appeared, another contradiction which Sir Triss was forced to kill and a blue insect about as large as George named Peter the incomplete sentence. It was hard to understand what he was saying a lot of the time because he never really finished a thought. The night went by and there was obviously no sign of an ending, though Tollof was there and that should have indicated it was coming closer. There was little they could do, however, and so when morning came and Farmer Jim came for Pierce the others followed close behind, awaiting an ending.
"Let me tell you, oh faithful Pierce," said Farmer Jim, "you are probably the only thing that cares about this book. I'm at my wits end! I'm halfway considering not finishing the crazy thing. What do you think, buddy?"
Oh let me tell you, reader, that Pierce tried his hardest to convince Farmer Jim to finish the story, but as I've already said, the man just couldn't hear him. So did the story go unfinished, and the merry band of Pierce's friends went unreturned. It seemed rather harsh to them that they should be forced to live in Encumbria, and don't worry reader, they found their way home later in a wondrous adventure with Pierce's help, but that is another story and I don't think that I shall tell it today.
There is a moral to this story, and a good deal of explanation could be given about many of the characters. The moral could be taken in many ways. Number one: Your day will never end out right if it doesn't start with a shower. Number two: Never assume that no one else cares just because you can't hear them or don't care yourself. Number three: Some stories just don't make sense no matter how you look at them. Number four: As you can see, contradictions are not only annoying, they are also very dangerous. As to the characters, well, let's look at the description of one character in particular, Tollof the surprise ending.
The creature didn't even speak, it merely jumped to the ground, where Pierce saw that it was totally black and white, without a touch of color anywhere. It had four legs and two arms, and its head was shaped kind of like an ostrich's, though it did not have a very long neck. Its feet ended in four toes which each held a single wicked claw that curved upwards and held a nasty point that gleamed in the sunlight.
This creature is all black and white, of course because in black and white it would be inconspicuous and capable of sneaking up on you, like a good surprise ending can. It has four legs with four toes each, which have a single wicked, curved, pointy and gleaming claw each. These are for gripping the prey, namely the reader, in the surprise ending's grasp and not letting go until the victim finishes the ending. The two arms are for the same purpose, but they are not described so are probably not used as often. Its head is much like an ostrich's because who would have thought that a surprise ending would be an ostrich? And thus the surprise ending is, of course, surprising.
As you can see, I have too much time on my hands, so it is time that I leave this story behind and start another. It's been real, world. Hope you enjoyed it.
Wesley Adams
Master Blacksmith
Master Carpenter
Master Thespian
Master Liar
