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Oh well, it is rigged elections time again. In my quaint, generally understated self-satisfied way, all I want to say is: Told You So Three Years Ago LOSERS. So, next time a coup-making general arrives amid much bluster and rhetoric, promising to institute real democracy and a relatively sane magazine condemns him for being a two-faced, treasonous, hypocritical so-and-so, you might pay some attention instead of accusing the Herald of ‘knee-jerk liberalism’. And now that we know what’s what, who’s who and where both are heading, it would be quite apt though a little unbecoming of me to accuse you of knee-jerk stupidity. Well, I feel I should join the ranks of the unbecoming. After all, one would be in illustrious company, what with Pervez Musharraf on my right, General Ehsan on my left and the president’s profoundly clever principal secretary Tariq Aziz hovering above my head.
Then there is poor Imran Khan, lovingly referred to as Im the Dim by those in the know. Poor Imran has belatedly discovered how absolutely despicable the Gujrat Chaudhrys are. Of course, he only decided to share this utterly exclusive and hitherto top-secret bit of news with the rest of Pakistan after Musharraf regretfully let him know that there were certain things even he could not conjure up through NRB-inspired presidential edicts. And that included converting the entire PML-Q and assorted other morons into a dynamic political party headed by Im the Dim. Upon hearing this, apparently Im was so incensed that he decided to show them all. In my humble opinion, all Im will succeed in showing is the true scale of his non-existent electoral standing. And after the elections, well, that is when the fun will begin. Be prepared for shocking revelations about Immy Boy of the Very Small Brain authored by none other than Mush’s favourite henchman Tariq Aziz of No Morals Whatsoever.
Meanwhile, there are others who have fared equally abysmally. Ghinwa Bhutto has discovered that this time the ISI would rather have her out of the way as the anti-PPP game is to be played through the SDA. Consequently, poor Ghinwa’s political career is as over in perpetuity as her beloved sister-in-law’s dream of her party storming to power with a two-thirds majority. Ghinwa B. is a nice lady but she should understand that this is no place for nice ladies. It would be best for her if she sold 70 Clifton to some equally nice serving general who could turn it into the headquarters of the security agency he will undoubtedly set up post-retirement. In peace, Ginny dearest could then retire to a nice Beruit suburb and also have a holiday home in central Damascus. And we must not forget Former President and Permanent Gas Bag Farooq Leghari. It appears he has understood that all that can be rigged for him is a seat or two at best. Of course, given that dear old Farooq is the proverbial eternal optimist and thinks he is oh-so-clever, he may have something up his sleeve. But let us not forget that history shows that Leghari always manages to be the big loser in the end no matter what he may have up his sleeve. In case you have forgotten, he even managed to lose 58-2b when that otherwise killer article of the constitution ended up his smelly sleeve. Meanwhile Ghulam Mustafa Jatoi has still not tired of humiliating himself. That is the only reason why he would want to head the GNA which should just change its name to GONAD and come up with words that fit this most appropriate acronym. Let me suggest an option: Greedy Old Nobodies Adoring Dictators.
Oh that was very satisfying but we must move on to other things. The problem with this election is that it is an exercise in which even the winners are just going to be losers. In fact, the winners are going to be even bigger losers than the losers if you know what I mean. I mean, will you be overwhelmed by the majesty of the democratic process when the PML (Q)-GNA-MQM-ANP grand coalition government is duly sworn in? I think not. In fact, other than Santa Claus and Pervez Musharraf, I doubt very much that anyone will, particularly the PML (Q)-GNA-MQM-ANP grand coalition. They above all, will know that in order of protocol, their PM will follow just behind Musharraf’s poodles and just ahead of the head-gardner of the presidency who will be followed by the hapless leader of the opposition Maqdoom Amin Fahim. I say this not to offend anyone but just to underline where we all stand in Pervez Musharraf’s scheme of things, which is the only scheme of things that matters really when all is said, done, suspended, amended and abrogated.
And what of the PML-N or should we call it the PML-S now? And most important, what of the PPPPPPPPPP? Now this is a great party. Who would have thought that the PPP could just add another P to its name and thereby become another party altogether. If the PPP can become the PPPP and thereby pretend to be something completely different, why cannot Benazir Bhutto change her name to Benazir Bhutto Bhutto or Benazir Benazir Bhutto or even Unbenazir Unbhutto or (and this is my favourite) Benazir Bhutto (Prime ministerial) and thereby be qualified to both contest and be PM? Really, it is events such as these that make me wonder whether Pervez Musharraf is an even bigger bimbo than he appears to be.
As for Irshad Hasan Khan, he should change his designation from CEC which stands for Chief Election Cockroach, or so I was told by a PPPP source, to CECC: Chief Election Corruption Conductor. Thereby, Irshad Hasan Khan could also continue to be himself whilst pretending to be something completely different. I am also quite convinced that if I do not stop writing in this vein, the next issue of this magazine may not be an issue of the Herald at all but may just become an issue of the Heralding Herald or the Herald (Printed) or something like that. And in such a scenario, The Last Word would, of course, have to appear as The Last Word (Second Last). I, however, wait for the day when the Pakistan Army will have to call itself the Pakistan Army (Repentant). I know, I know. But we all live in hope.
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