March 2, 1999 - Tuesday - 11:57 AM EST
Hello. It's March-- how about that? It's been one of those winters when I wasn't sure I'd ever see March again but here it is.
Lauren's birthday is the day after tomorrow. She will be six! Hard to believe. Seems like only yesterday, it was 1993 and we were getting ready for her to come into this world. A couple of days after that, we had one of the worst snowstorms ever… a blizzard. I remember being so glad Joe had a 4-wheel drive truck so he could get over to check on Heather & Lauren, just home from the hospital. Luckily, the snow didn't hang around too long, I guess since it was March and the temperatures were warming up. Our magnolia tree bloomed a month or so later that year. It doesn't get a chance to do that very often here in Western Pennsylvania, always being hit by a late frost or something. But that year, it was incredibly beautiful. I took a picture of Heather standing under it, holding Lauren of course.
Joe & I took Lauren to see Disney on Ice, The Little Mermaid this past Sunday. Incredible costumes and skating. Really enjoyed it. That was my day to be the good Nana. Unfortunately this afternoon I have to take her to the dentist where she will have to get a filling or two. I doubt I'll be thought of as the "good" Nana then!
I quit my job last week. Well, at least I turned in my two week notice although my boss was quick to ask me to make it more like a month. Whatever, I'm going to try to be here to pick up Lauren from school a little earlier than she's been used to. Up until now, she's had to wait until 6:00 to come home… a pretty long day.
What else? I haven't heard from Eddie lately, so I don't know what's happening in the "old county". Marilyn & I talk about visiting there sometime. I'd really like to, bet it would be gorgeous. Eddie visits the states more than I get out of Western Pennsylvania or so it seems. Hope the next time he comes, he'll make a stopover here so we can meet in person.
I was going to quote a Counting Crows song. Listened to them REAL LOUD yesterday (the only way to listen to them.) Like to do that when I'm feeling blue. But I'm not feeling too blue today so I'll save it for another time. Unfortunately, we all know I have those blue days more often than not. Marilyn was telling me about this interview she saw with Mike Wallace talking about his depression. I guess they interviewed his wife and she said living with someone who is depressed is like being stuck on a bus with someone you don't know and don't want to know. I can certainly understand where she's coming from. Before I was depressed, Joe had a bout or two with it. I was so angry at him, why couldn't he just snap out of it, etc. Then when it happened to me, it was so very bizarre. Thank god, Joe is so much more understanding.
I had a dream with a recurring theme in it this morning. Flying. I use to dream the most wonderful dreams about flying. What could be more fun? But then, probably after I got depressed, they started changing and instead of being freeing and joyful, they were frustrating, I could never get high enough, was always running into trees and wires and things. Or I'd start thinking about flying and that would make me unable to get off the ground at all.
Anyway, this morning I dreamed again I was flying home from somewhere with my friend Debbie Flaus and a little dog that looked like Eddie from the Frazier television show. As has been the case for so long, I was having difficulty, kept going to low and crashing into things or at least having near misses. When I woke up, all of a sudden it hit me, what the difference was between the dreams I used to have and the ones I have now. I used to just dream I was flying and enjoying it, not going anywhere in particular. Now, in my dreams, I'm always trying to get somewhere, usually home. It's not the same thing at all. I don't fly to just fly & enjoy myself and the scenery, instead it's all goal oriented, gotta get home. I think this is why my flying dreams have changed. I'm seeing a metaphor for my life in general here.
Read my horoscope the other day. It said be careful when I'm being open minded, cause if I didn't, my brains might fall out! I loved that.
Have a good one. Hope everyone is okay & feeling good, healthy, happy. Thanks for reading.
Tuesday - February 23, 1999 - 11:52 AM EST
To say I've been in a bit of a funk lately is an understatement. I'm completely and utterly freaked out. I'd like to go to bed for a long, long, long time & not have any dreams at all. But, then, I can't dwell on this. The drugs help, no doubt about that. I don't imagine I'd be here without them. But they just don't seem to be strong enough to fix whatever is wrong with me.
I'd like to find a place to get away from myself, if you know what I mean. My usual ways of doing that (eating, drinking, drugs, sleeping, writing, listening to music, even fooling around on this computer) haven't seemed to do the trick lately. Every which way I turn, it's like being in a funhouse-- I just keep running into reflections of myself... the last person I want to run into at this point!
There are good things going on. Marilyn is deliriously happy in her new place and I'm so glad for that. Ruth is feeling better & home again with her family, thank God. Marty is working on a portrait of my grandparents from a clip of the Larkin picnic picture I sent him. I've been in touch with Patty in Florida, Eddie in Ireland, Steve in Houston and Abby in California.
Speaking of family and friends... have I told you all lately, how much I love you? Couldn't get along without you.
One of my computer friends, Dawn, finished her book! (You go girl!) She sent me a
really neat story the other day. Thought I'd include it here, maybe it'll balance things out...
| The Cracked Pot |
|---|
| A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on each end of a
pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in
it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion
of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the master's house,
the cracked pot arrived only half full.
For a full two years this went on daily with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water in his master's house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do. After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you." "Why?" asked the bearer. "What are you ashamed of?""I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master's house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts," the pot said. The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, "As we return to the master's house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path." Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some. But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again it apologized to the bearer for its failure. The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of your path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master's table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house." Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots. But if we will allow it, the Lord will use our flaws to grace His Father's table. In God's great economy, nothing goes to waste. So as we seek ways to minister together, and as God calls you to the tasks He has appointed for you, don't be afraid of your flaws. Acknowledge them,and allow Him to take advantage of them, and you, too, can be the cause of beauty in His pathway. Go out boldly, knowing that in our weakness we find His strength, and that in Him every one of God's promises is a Yes. |
Hey, I don't know about you, but it made me feel better. Thanks Dawn.
Friday, February 12, 1999, 9:26 AM EST
Have to make this a fast entry. Lauren's here today. Her school has inservice. We're going to take a ride down to Marilyn's new house in a little while. One of the horses foaled this week… Meadow Hush had a filly so we thought it'd be fun to go see the three day old!
Marilyn will be moving in on Monday. Her house is so neat… they've got it all newly painted with new hardware for all the doors. They scrubbed the carpets (look like new) and put little halogen lights under her kitchen cupboards that shine down on her counter! I think she will be very happy there. Who wouldn't be-it's practically heaven. Not just a farm but a one of the most gorgeous farms in the tri-state area. Those magnificent standard bred horses, it's the kind of farm you see in the movies, like Tara or something. Peaceful and beautiful with barn kitties and the smell of fresh hay. But only a few minutes from the interstate and work. I'm jealous!
As I told you, I've been crazier than usual lately. Lauren drew a picture of me a couple of weeks ago & I'm uploading it (even though it's a little scary.) Marilyn said it looks like I have an aura of peaceful blue around me but with that horrendous red and those teeth!!... it's like I'm totally freaked but trying to project a happy, supportive demeanor. Sometimes (most of the time) that Lauren is just a little too perceptive!
Lauren's drawing of Nana!
Happy Valentine's Day. Thanks for reading.
Tuesday – February 2, 1999 – 9:45 AM EST
I am so frustrated. My Netscape isn’t working. I’ve uninstalled and reinstalled it but still it’s giving me fits… every time I turn around, it won’t link with some site, just sending me into an endless spinning, blinking, and looping. I can use Internet Explorer but not for get my mail So, here I am, connected to both of them at once-- one to surf, one to email.
M!TH#$F#!K$R!!!
Makes me crazier than usual, which, we all know is pretty darn nuts.
So it’s February, is it? Groundhog Day. Doubt very much if he saw his shadow if the weather in Punxatawny is much like here—very gray and chilly, raining a light mist.
February 2 in our family also mean Nina’s birthday. Nina was Joe’s aunt, one cool lady. I found an old picture of her I’m going to scan in here. I never knew her until she was quite a bit older than this but even then, she was a beautiful lady with sparkling eyes and man, did she love Joe.
She worked at the glass factory in town for fifty years or so. When she first started, she lived down in Arden, a good 7 miles away or so. Nina would walk in every day to work, then walk home and sometimes on Friday nights, she and her girlfriend would walk back into town for a dance.
Joe's parents gave her a surprise birthday party one time, when she was in her late 70's or early 80's. While she was eating cake, Joe and his dad snuck into her apartment and hooked up a new television for her present. She told me later that night that was the first time in her whole life she had ever had a birthday party.
Nina never had a car that I know of but she kept her driver's license right up until the day she died. Said she needed it for identification. She walked everywhere; probably one of the reasons she lived so long & was healthy until near the end.
Nina (Josephine) Ravoira.
We miss you Nina-- Happy Birthday and we love you!
Friday - January 22, 1999 - 8:30 AM EST
I have today off . I don't have to work and don't have a class and don't have to babysit and don't have to decorate for an upcoming holiday or undecorate from one that's over. I'm so thrilled to have some time to just fool around, I can hardly see straight. I'd like to write, work on my web page, play guitar, sleep, read, eat, play with the dog & cat, go shopping, clean the house (well, actually, I'd like the house to be clean, don't really care to do it)… then after lunch, I can do some other things I've been meaning to do!
Writing in my "real" journal last night, it struck me how, more and more, I'm vexed , enraptured, seduced and controlled by time and/or the lack of it. Every stupid second is gone before I have time to even think about it, let alone try and understand it. This is something new to me. I've been noticing the rapid passing of time for a number of years but in a way, didn't mind. Like when people say smoking will take years off my life, I'd think, "Yeah, so?" But now I'm finally starting to realize I must be much more bothered by it than I pretend. I'm constantly thinking, "Oh, if I only had time to do this or that." and "Where did all that time go?" and "Why do I spend so much time worrying about something I can't control, like time?"
Laura Nyro once wrote, "You're a jigsaw Timer, you're a, God is a jigsaw, Timer…" Was she brilliant or what? Marilyn tells me she was only 17 or something ridiculous like that when she wrote those lyrics. Lyrics to rip your heart out. Last night I was reading about this 16 year old Irish school girl who has come up with a new way of encrypting data that's ten times faster than the standard on the internet. Sixteen years old?! She said she'd rather publish her work than patent it. Some people have all the talent leaving the rest of us sitting around like so many wax dummies.
Drinking too fast cooling coffee this morning. Have to run down three flights of steps to refill my cup. You'd think I'd get smart and fill up the carafe but you'd be wrong. Seeing as how it's the only exercise I've done all week, maybe it isn't such a stupid thing after all. I'm going to run down now and refill and maybe grab some CD's to bring back up with me…. music to sooth my soul or calm my savage beast… nah, just something cool to listen to. Maybe Clannad. Yeah, that's the ticket. My cousin, Eddie Larkin, would probably laugh at me. Clannad might not be any more original traditional Irish than Jimmy Buffet. But I always like to think they are. I'll have to ask him now that he's my real Irish expert.
Anyway, Clannad…. I got turned on to them watching Robin Hood on Showtime ten or so years ago, the one with Sean Connery's son playing Robin. If he wasn't the most gorgeous young man I've ever seen… right up there with Jimmy Smits, and Johnny Depp, and Brad Pitt. What am I doing lusting after these young boys? Bad, I tell you, I'm just bad, bad to the bone.
Together We… Now is Here… Robin (The Hooded Man)… Scarlet Inside…..I use to have little sound bites from their CD's on my sounds page but then thought I might get thrown in jail for using copyrighted material without the artists' permission, so I removed them. Copyrighting is weird. I'm a real fan of Natalie Goldberg (the writer's writer, as far as I'm concerned.) In one of her writing books, she writes about being at a country fair in a writing booth, and sitting there writing little snippets and giving them away for free. Isn't that the coolest thing. Joni Mitchell had a song called For Free, about a street musician, a clarinet player who stood on the corner playing the most beautiful songs for free. If I ever had enough talent to do something that could be copyrighted, I think I'd just be so blown away by receiving the gift, I wouldn't bother trying to put my name to it. But then, I guess that's easy to say when I'm getting my bread and butter from a different (stupid) job like being a secretary.
This journal entry is getting away from me, like so many do. I start out thinking about one thing and before I know it my mind is going at about a zillion miles an hour and I can't keep up. Probably none of it is making much sense. Sorry. But it's like a drug when it happens, the rush…..Maybe I'm just having a manic episode. Think there is some mania in my depression (duh, no kidding?) Unfortunately, it's not enough to keep me alert, half the time I just want to sleep. I'm terrified of that…. sleeping away my whole life. I have constant nightmares about themes relating to that… being at the beach and forgetting to go see the ocean. When my parents were sick, it was a real fright. I wanted to sleep more then than I ever have in my adult life. It's how I deal with stress. But I knew they didn't have much time left and I shouldn't be wasting it by sleeping. Couldn't seem to do much to control it though, worrying about it just made me all the more tired!
Time to wrap it all up. Too bad I can't make it make more sense. Have a good
one. Thanks for reading.... Love you all.
Wednesday - January 20, 1999 - 9:37 PM EST
Drinking leftover iced tea from dinner. In our family we drink iced tea year round-summer, fall, winter, spring--- day and night- from the time we are wee little kids. (Are you listening Brene? You might want to get Ellen Scott started now while she's still in the womb!)
Bifurcating bifocals… Joe and I both got em, can you believe? I'm sitting here burning musk incense trying to pretend I'm not middle aged but these damn bifocals keep getting in the way. The eye doctor talked us into buying them. Joe can't see his computer with his on… it's too close for the distance part of his lens and too far for the close up part. So now he has to carry 2 sets of glasses around with him all day… his bifocals and his regular reading glasses. Mine work pretty much for everything… computer, reading, driving but then I never really wear them-I wear my contacts. Makes a whole lot of sense, huh. (For the eye doctor it did-- he sold two new pair of glasses.)
"Long, long time ago, I can still remember how the music used to make me smile" Lauren's been spending quite a bit of time with us the past couple of weeks. She loves music. I've been playing Don McLean's American Pie. She doesn't understand the story behind the lyrics (I'm not sure I understand all of them) but she gives it a 10 cause she likes the beat. I like how it takes me from one end of the spectrum to another... the good times, the bad times... it's like the theme song to my life or something. There are times in my life when I make listening to music a priority. And I'm the better for it. This isn't one of those times. Now I'm lucky if I get to hear a song a day, just never seem to have the time. What a drag. Wonder if I charted this all out, if my moods go up and down according to how much music I allow myself to enjoy? Might really be on to something here. Haven't picked up my guitar in over a month. Guess I should make the time for the things I enjoy. (Wow, isn't that a deep thought? You may quote me but you'd be better off quoting Don McLean...) "And the three men I admire most, the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost--- they caught the last train for the coast, the day the music died."
My aunt Ruth is not doing too well. Very hard to deal with as she is my mom's sister and I'm still not dealing too well with losing my mom. Hoping and praying things will go better for Ruth and for her family. I know where they must be right now, in terms of freaking out. It's so hard, and there is not much anyone can say to make it easier.
My other aunt, Patty, wrote me from Florida. She's getting an email address and wants to be able to email me. That will be nice. I don't get to hear from her nor she from me very often. She and Ruth don't speak. It's one of those things that is better left unsaid but I can't seem to leave it alone. Two sisters who don't speak... to me, it's unthinkable. One of the last things my mom ever said to me was she wished they would make peace with each other. But it isn't as easy as it sounds. I will pray but I think we're in need of some divine intervention here. (As if we weren't in need of that all the time!)
Ah well, have a good one...