April 1, 1999 - Thursday - 9:31 AM EST
Just realized it was my day....April Fool's Day. Actually, I'm an April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, December, January, February, and March fool. Don't have any practical jokes to play on anyone today. Somehow they always backfire and get me back anyway so I'm not even going to try.
We get to turn the clocks ahead this weekend. That is way cool. I love when it stays light out later although why, I'm not sure. It's not like I spend more time outside or anything. I'm such a recluse if it weren't for Lauren, I'd be lucky if I got out at all.
Am enjoying seeing her every afternoon. We went to a playground the other day and were swinging next to each other. Every time we'd start swinging out again, I'd tease her, "Nana's swinging with Lauren." I don't know why this was making her laugh but it was, and consequently, her laugh was making me laugh. It was one of those moments in your life that you wish could go on forever... the weather that day was perfect, she was perfect, it was all too much for me! This playground also has one of those old fashioned, real tall metal slides. The first time she came down, she held herself back so she wouldn't go too fast. Then she decided, what the heck, I was there and going to catch her anyway so she let loose. She was flying down that slide so fast and with so much force, I started to get a bit freaked out. What if I couldn't catch her? I told her to slow it down but that just made her push off faster each time. What a strange juxtapostion, first not being able to stop laughing on the swings then getting really scared when she was zooming down this slide.
This particular playground is across the street from the Catholic cemetary. That's always a little bizarre anyway because she is fascinated with the cemetary, has been for a couple of years. Before she knew what it was, she called it the place with the big stones. Then once, her mom must have taken her over there, she spied the large granite marker that said RAVOIRA, Joe's family's plot, and her last name. That was a little heavy. I'm not sure how Heather explained it all to her but she knows that Joe's parents are over there.
When we were at the playground the other day, she was looking over there and telling me about the Ravoira plot. Then she started looking all over and said, "There sure are a lot of dead people over there aren't there?" I've been meaning to take her up to the Washington cemetary-- just to see the view of the city but I don't know how I'm going to explain all that to her-- it's so huge. I'm waiting for her to ask about MeeMaw's grave (my mom.) That will be interesting since we had both my parents cremated and I scattered their ashes at Majorsville. Oh well.
This afternoon we're going to color eggs and make a trip to the library, take back the books she borrowed a couple of weeks ago. This kid wants to read so bad it's not funny. She had learned quite a bit at her old Montessori school but in the kindergarten she's been in this year, they are still way behind. I was worried she would be bored but she's had such a rough year in her personal life that maybe it was a good thing she wasn't challenged too much. Anyway, she's dying to read and Heather is trying to work with her as best she can but they're both tired at the end of the day so it's not the best time to be learning. So I'm thinking, we're going to have to have a reading time here everyday. I remember how if feels, like there is this big club out there that all the big people (readers) belong to but your not allowed to be a member yet. I was way lucky-- Marilyn taught me to read before the first grade. I was dying to learn also and I do remember getting very perturbed having to sit through the rest of the class learning and some of them were reading so slowly. It was maddening. Poor Marilyn got yelled at for teaching me too much! In those days, the school didn't like kids who were too far ahead or too far behind. I hope that has changed.
I'm treating myself to a Bach mini concert this a.m. As Hawkeye said to Radar in MASH, "Ahhh Bach". (Hawkeye told Radar to say that to his date to prove he was cultured! "All you have to say is 'Ahhh Bach'!") First I listened to Glenn Gould perform the Goldberg Variations, then Bach's Brandenburg Concertos Nos. 4-5, and now, my personal favorite, Glenn Gould again, this time Bach Recital - Italian Concerto. It's my personal opinion that if they would just pipe Bach into all the depression wards in all the hospitals in the world, we'd practically eliminate depression-- such is his effect. So ordered and perfect. Impossible to not believe in God when you listen to Bach. If I could choose what to come back as, after death, assuming we do come back, I'd choose Bach's Tocatta in E Minor.
Guess I'd better go get something done around here. I'm looking for a cd I've misplaced... on this third floor.... might as well be the proverbial needle in the haystack... this room is a disaster! Wish me luck-- it's very important that I find it. I told Merle I'd pray to St. Anthony to help me but I'm afraid of wasting a good prayer on something so trivial. She thinks that's absurd. Guess it is, like we're only allowed so many prayers and when you use up your allotment, you're out of luck!
Thanks for reading, keep the faith and drop me a line sometime.
March 30, 1999 - Tuesday - 8:01 AM EST
Celebrated my forty-fifth birthday this past weekend. It was a strange one-- mostly because I discovered I had unknowingly given out a bunch of "presents" over the past month... infected friends and family with the Happy99 virus. (I'm so sorry, again!)
Spent most of Saturday tracking it down (caught it from 2 different friends), finding the antidote, and mailing out apologies and instructions to those poor unfortunate souls on my email list with whom I shared the worm.
I guess I should be glad it wasn't Melissa-- the virus that seems to be getting all the press this week. It's really disheartening though to think we've come to this stage where the viruses can come from friends and infect us and we can in turn infect other friends and all the time not know it.
What are you supposed to do? I guess to be 100% safe, never use email or the internet or floppy disks.... in short, stop the exchange of information altogether. I've decided not to take that approach. This is only the 2nd time I've ever caught a virus in my 15 years of fooling around with pc's. But it's the 2nd time in as many months which scares me.
Who are these idiots out there writing these virus programs? Obviously they don't have anything better to do with their miserable lives than to sit around thinking of ways of spreading the misery around to the unsuspecting. Are we supposed to be impressed? Big deal... I'll bet they steal candy from babies too.
I'm feeling fortunate though. Happy99 doesn't eat your system or anything horrendous like that. It's just a pain in the ass like it's creator, whoever he/she may be. Like sand flies on the beach. At any rate, to those of you I sent the virus to, let me again apologize. I think that was the worst part of it, knowing I had spread it around. Felt like a leper or something.
When I was little, that was one of our favorite make believe games... Leprosy. If you were one of the infected ones (& I, being the youngest, always was), you got to wear sheets wrapped around you and bells around your neck and walk through the basement while the others chanted, "UNCLEAN, UNCLEAN." (Actually, this was my sister Marilyn's idea of fun... she had just seen Ben Hur.)
Another of her favorite pasttimes was playing Church. My cousin Mike was always the priest, Marilyn was the nun, and guess who got to be the sinner? And we wonder why Jani is so screwed up in her adult life!
Only teasing, Merle.
Other than my virus, I had a nice birthday. Marilyn brought me tulips and breakfast (Joe says now I have 4... ha ha) The three of us took a ride out to see Maggie's new house. (It's a beauty.) She and Scott were in Chicago visiting his grandfather and Marilyn had promised to feed their cats. The kitties are a scream: Bertha, this huge fluff ball with a pressed in face, Hannibal (the cannibal), a bengal cat that looks more like a tiger, and Salvadore, who I'm not convinced even exists, since he never makes an appearance when company comes.) These cats live like royalty-- I think Maggie & Scott were just following directions when they built the house! Everywhere I looked I saw more kitty toys!! They even screened in their back deck so the kitties can go out for some fresh air!
After leaving Maggie's, we went to Lowes. Marilyn has a yard at her new place and now she's thinking she's the Yankee Gardener or something... had to buy two rakes, a shovel, a trowel and grass seed. Sheesh, if she gets any happier, I might just have to disown her!
I got some great birthday cards-- funny ones-- from Bill, from Peggy, Jean & Art, from my friend Melinda, and an electronic card from my friend Debbie. Heather and Lauren joined us yesterday for some cake and ice cream and Heather gave me the present I asked for, a haircut.
Guess what-- I quit my job! As of last Friday, I am officially unemployed. I probably should be feeling very apprehensive about this (I am broke and that's not fun) but right now, anyway, I'm enjoying it no end. Joe had a great idea. Suggested I volunteer for the web development group where he works. That would be too cool. I could learn so much. I also hope to get back to my writing. Other than this journal and my "real" journal, I haven't written anything in months and months and months.
It's going up to 66 degrees today, and 72 tomorrow. Spring has sprung in Wash PA! Can you dig it? I knew that you could.
Before I go, have to pass along this Andy Rooney joke (via Eddie in Ireland -- can you believe they watch Andy Rooney in Ireland?) This is Andy Rooney musing on the word "Cripes":
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like "Cripes."-"For Cripe's sake." Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh?' of the church of 'Holy Moley"? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in "Heck?"
I love that. Talk to you all soon. Thanks for reading.
March 16, 1999 - Tuesday - 8:50 AM EST
Trust you all made it through yesterday-- bewaring those Ides of March & whatnot.
Our Sunday snowstorm petered out-- ended up with just a dusting! Those idiot weatherpeople and their Stormtracker 2000's. Guess it did hit south of us-- in Morgantown WV they ended up with over a foot of snow.
My friend Chet from Malaysia sent me some funnies today. (If you're like me, you probably get way too many unfunny funnies sent to you. Some days I come on here and have 61 forwarded not-that-funny funnies waiting for me. Half the time just the sheer number of them freaks me out & I have to delete them before I read em.) But sometimes a real gem gets through....
AN ELDERLY WOMAN AND HER HUSBANDA 55-year-old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the room and sees her. He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous. What on earth are you doing?" She says "I just got my checkup and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year old." She starts laughing and jumping again. He says, "Yeah right. And what did he say about your 55 year-old ass?" She says, "Well, your name never came up."
Eddie in Ireland sent me list of Irish names and their accompanying mottos. The Larkin motto is "fortiter et fideliter" or "strong and faithful". I thought that was way cool but then I read the whole list & realized probably 20% of the names on it had that motto or some variation of it. Okay, so we're not original!
Did read a couple of interesting ones... Counihan is "over fork over" ... and McKinley is "he despises rubbish". My favorite though was the Barry motto... "boutez en avant" or "drink first". I'm certain there must be a Barry or two hidden our family tree somewhere!
Got a great letter from St. Peggy Weggy Angel yesterday. She is so funny and gifted. I miss her!! She's still not on the web, preferring to type or handwrite all of her letters. And dang, she types better than I can use a wordprocessor, backspace key and all.
She and Jean missed their water exercises at the Rec Center last week because it snowed in Virginia Beach-- first time ever since Peggy moved down there. She admitted the snow didn't even cover the roads. Those Southern wimps!
Well, I'm going to try to work on my friend's web page. It's getting nowhere fast these days. I keep trying out new things and screwing up what could have been a fairly easy job! Story of my life... Have a good week and Happy St. Patrick's Day!
March 14, 1999 - Sunday - 3:43 PM EST
We're having a snowstorm-- second this week. It's supposed to be a pretty big one, 6-12 inches, and of course the timing will be perfect again… finishing up late tonight/early tomorrow just in time to make rush hour more fun than usual. I shouldn't complain. Joe does most of the driving and we do have 4 wheel drive in the truck so never mind, I'll just shut up about that.
It was my idea that my granddaughter Lauren and her dad, Heather's soon-to-be ex-husband, have their weekly visits here rather than at her house. Seemed to me to be a little too much tension between Heather & Manny for Lauren to have to deal with the two of them together. So I suggested they do it here. Good thing Nana is on lots of antidepressants and anti-anxiety pills. The St. Brendan's in my coffee didn't hurt either.
To be perfectly honest, Joe and I didn't think Lauren would care one way or another about seeing her dad regularly but we were wrong. So we're trying to do whatever to make things easier on her.
Maggie & Scott gave Lauren a computer for her birthday! This was so sweet and incredibly generous of them. Lauren and Heather and Joe & I are all just completely blown away by it! It's an IMAC, pink, transparent, even the mouse and wires. Very cool and futuristic yet friendly looking and the graphics are unreal. I'm used to a PC and even though I knew Apple's have always been better at graphics, I never realized how much better. Lauren has a dinosaur game on her computer and I swear it's more 3D and realistic looking than watching Jurassic Park. We were over at Heather's to see the computer one night this week. Joe started playing the dinosaur game and 45 minutes later I had to drag him away, "remember, it's Lauren's computer, Pap Pap!"
I have finished 2 of my 4 weeks notice at work...starting to get a little nervous about quitting. Hope I don't end up a bag lady. I can just see me sleeping 20 hours a day or something ridiculous like that. Or drinking & eating & medicating myself into a stupor. I'm going to try very hard not to let that happen. I want to work on my writing and the web stuff. And of course, spend more time with Lauren, in the afternoons. It's so crazy. I despise being a secretary probably more than I can describe but the thought of not working is freaking me out. I did it for awhile last summer and didn't go too nuts-- not any more than I am right now, anyway. So I'll just keep repeating, "It'll be okay, it'll be okay, it'll be okay."
That's how I manage to get through most days and nights now anyhow. It doesn't help or at least I didn't think it did but it must 'cause I'm still functioning somewhat.
I think all the crap that's happening to Lauren is preying on me more than anything else. She's just a little girl and doesn't deserve to have this pressure on her but I have to admit it, for the past six years, she's been the light of my life. Everything else has gone to hell but she's been there and that's what has kept me going. Now, watching her go through hard times, is ripping out my heart and I feel like the bottom of the world is falling away.
It'll be okay, it'll be okay, it'll be okay.
She shouldn't have to be my stronghold, she's just a little kid for crying out loud.
Obviously, I still have not worked out all my problems about losing my parents. I dream about them every night but they aren't pleasant dreams and I can't tell you how many times I've asked them just to leave me alone. (Like it's their fault I'm having nightmares.)
I know they wouldn't want me to go around like this. But I can't seem to stop. It's not even like I want to have control because, lord knows, I don't have any answers. I'm just very confused.
I called the diocese, trying to get some answers from the church. That was a joke. Reminded me of the time a few years back…I was starting to try to get back into the church and decided one year to give them the money I would normally use for Christmas. I sent a check to a local priest telling him to use it however he saw fit, sure he would know of a good charitable cause. A month later the canceled check came back from my bank stamped the St. So-&-So Travel Club. My money had gone to help the perfectly healthy, perfectly wealthy parishioners go on their trips to Atlantic City and Cleveland. Somehow it wasn't exactly what I had in mind.
I asked my psychiatrist for help and he tried to send me back to that quack I went to years ago when my dad was sick and I was just starting to go a little nuts. The one who told me about his other patients' problems, the lady who killed her baby one night when she was stoned on crack cocaine. (Huh?) And how her husband thought it was crib death-- & did I notice him out in the waiting room. (What?)
I know-- this is all old news. Okay. Sorry, just had to vent a bit.
Anyway, a month or so ago, I called the diocese but all the priests were at a funeral and I asked the lady to have one of them call me back but they never did and I never called them back. End of that story.
Read this story today in the Post Gazette about this really cool charismatic priest in Brazil who also happens to be a hunk who used to be an aerobics instructor. He dances and sings at Mass and is responsible for bringing back thousands of Brazilians to the church. Sounds like my kind of Catholicism.
I don't really want a Jimmy Smits look-a-like priest (although I wouldn't mind.) I just want something to believe in, something to hold on to. I don't want to make it Lauren's responsibility, the poor kid.
There's this song on one of John Denver's old albums. He didn't write it; John Prine did. But anyway, the lyrics go:
Make me an angel that flies from Montgomery
Make me a poster of an old rodeo
Just give me one thing that I can hold on to
To believe in this living is just a hard way to go
Ain't that the truth.
An old friend's mother got killed this week, run over on East Maiden Street. I woke up to hear the story on my clock radio one morning. Heard it was a woman and the last name and the street and thought it was my friend who had been run over. She's someone I haven't talked to since we were kids so it's not like we're close but I was devastated thinking she might be dead. Hate to say I was relieved when I found out it was her mother but it's true. I guess I should send her a sympathy card but I don't want to say, "glad it wasn't you" even though that's what I'm thinking.
Found out about another friend who got separated from his wife & kid. Just found this out tonight. This guy is a close friend, one who we talk to regularly. But he didn't tell us even though it happened over 2 months ago. I heard it from another friend. Very bizarre…. I spill my guts out way too much (I know someone is reading this, saying, "you're telling us!") Anyway, guess I just don't understand people who keep it all bottled up.
Strange day… week… month… year… life.
Bill tells me Steve and Brene are getting their nursery ready. They're due in just a couple months. It's a girl and they already have her named. Is that way cool or what. You guys are in for the time of your lives!
Talked to a few good friends today… Debbie, Melinda, Annabelle. That was neat; they all made me feel better. When I started writing this earlier today (it's now 8:45pm) I was a little down. Could you tell? Now I'm much better. Thanks you guys! Guess I should thank Joe & Merle & Heather & Lauren too, Lord knows they've had to deal with my ups & (mostly) downs today also… Thanks you other guys!
Sundays are hard. They shouldn't be. Maybe once we start going back down to Majorsville they won't be as hard. It's been so long since we've been there… I get nutty thinking about it. But one of these days it's going to be nice out & we'll go down (& probably have to clean up mouse crap for three days but then…) It'll be nice & quiet & we can see the blue heron, the beavers (probably ate the rest of our trees over the winter) the kingfishers, the deer, and in a couple more months the turkey buzzards and the hummingbirds. Joe can ride his tractor & mow grass for days on end. It'll be nice.
I'm gonna get ready for bed. Maybe watch the X-Files then The Practice or maybe tape them & read instead. I'm finishing up The Alienist by Caleb Carr. Can't decide if I like it or not. Guess I don't hate it. At least I'm reading which is more than I could say a couple months ago. For awhile, I couldn't seem to concentrate long enough to read anything longer than a short story. But right now, I'd rather be reading something else, maybe Anne Tyler or Mauve Binchy.
Hope everyone is alright, happy, healthy. Thanks for reading, if you did and if you didn't, that's cool too. And if you're just a wee bit freaked out (or a whole lot), you can quote me if you want... It'll be okay, it'll be okay, it'll be okay.