JC stares out his window from where he sits on his bed in front of his laptop. It had been three days since he had gotten to the rehab clinic and he was still stuck on step two while AJ had moved on to step three yesterday. Why was it so hard for JC to move to step four? Easy, in three he had to make the decision to turn his will and his life over to the care of God as he understood Him and JC didn’t believe in God and he didn’t believe he understood Him at all. AJ on the other hand did not want to move to four, but in order to get out he had to move sometime.
It had been three days, three whole days he had to go without a fix of cocaine and he was ready to do anything to get one fix, just one. He would sit there at lunch and bounce his knee or foot for no reason at all and AJ would just stare at him. Of course AJ thought JC had obsessive-compulsive disorder and that was the reason why he was acting fidgety. The only way JC could retaliate was saying the AJ fidgeted all the time, which was true, since AJ always seemed to be on the go and doing something. JC thought he was like that because he was still in defensive mode and if he stopped his guard would go down.
JC had been spending most of his time with AJ, Derek and Chase, since he didn’t know anyone else and he was mostly with AJ. Between the times of 7-8 he had to find someone else to talk too, since AJ was in therapy for his depression then. JC always wondered what was wrong with him, but he never asked in fear that AJ would never talk to him again and then he would never have anyone to talk to again. AJ was also always on a phone downstairs talking to someone whether it was a friend, Rachel, his mom or a band mate. AJ was a very loved person.
JC had found out some things about AJ that he didn’t know too. AJ was a very smart person, JC knew that, but not to the extent he knew now. They would sit at lunch with Derek and Chase now and out of nowhere AJ would offer advice from a direct quote from a book mostly Shakespeare’s plays, which AJ said housed the answers to everyone’s problems along with Edgar Allen Poe’s and Jim Morrison’s poems. You know the saying there is a thin line between genius and insanity, well JC believed it was true. AJ told him to shut up and stop advising people in sayings. Now that he thought about it he really did do that a lot.
JC looks over at the clock on his nightstand that read five after twelve. He decided he might as well go to lunch and see what the guys were up to instead of sitting in his room. AJ was sitting with Chase and Derek at their normal table and JC makes his way over sitting down with his soup and a cup of ice tea. AJ was in the middle of one of his famous speech’s quoting from Romeo and Juliet perfectly as Chase and Derek stare at him.
“Two households, both alike in dignity in fair Verona where we lay our scene. From ancient grudge break to new mutiny. Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean. From forth the fatal loins of these two foes a pair of star crossed lovers take their lives,” AJ says and takes a sip of his water bottle and holds up his water to JC smiling,” A dog of the house of Capulet moves me.”
“You really do need to read other books, you know that?” JC says to AJ.
“Ok. Friends, Romans, countrymen lend me your ears. I come here to bury Caesar not to praise him…”
“Ok, I get your point.”
“I can say the whole thing if you like.”
“No that’s ok.”
“Whatever.”
“How do you remember all that?” Chase asks.
“I had to memorize the friends, Romans, countrymen speech for school. The other stuff I remember.”
“How is your inventory getting along,” JC asks.
“Hmm,” AJ frowns.
“You’re gonna have to read it out loud you know,” Derek says.
“What?” AJ stares at him
“Don’t worry about it. I bet you I’ve done worse,” Chase says curtly.
“No no fuck that,” AJ says and gets up walking out of the room.
“Is he ok?” Derek asks.
“I don’t know,” JC says getting up and walking up to AJ’s room knocking on the door softly,” AJ you there?”
“What,” AJ snaps as JC walks in the room.
“It can’t be that bad.”
“Wait till you do yours. I finally realize that I’m getting what I deserve.”
“Our destiny lies…”
“Not in the stars, but what we make of it,” AJ says sitting on his bed looking out a window,” I know the line JC. Julius Caesar, Cassius tells it to Brutus to get him to go against Caesar. Well, I fucked up my destiny, JC. I made of it what I wanted and now I’m here. I hurt the only person that ever loved me for me. You know better then anyone what that will do.”
“I know,” JC says quietly and looks down at the floor.
“I don’t want that to happen to me. I don’t want to put Rachel through that.”
“Here,” AJ holds up a piece of folded up paper out to him,” Read it if you want.”
“You sure?”
“You’re gonna hear it anyway,” he sighs.
“Ok,” JC says and takes the paper.
JC opens the paper and stares down at it. Written in list form on it in AJ’s own handwriting was the following.
I stole.
I cheated on my girlfriend more then once.
I lied to the people I love.
I punched Nick.
I ran away from home for a day.
I disrespected my mom.
I disrespected my band mates.
I put myself before anyone at times.
I hurt myself.
I hurt others I didn’t know.
I…
JC stares at AJ who had his back turned towards him with his head hung.
“Why did you only put I for the last one?”
AJ shakes his head in response.
“AJ you ok?” JC says walking around the bed so he could see the side of AJ’s face as tears ran down it slowly.
He shakes his head again and wipes his eyes with his hand.
“I’m gonna go ok,” JC says and puts the paper on the bed for him and starts walking away from him.
“I didn’t mean to do it.”
“What?” JC asks turning around to face his back.
“I didn’t mean to do it. It just happened. She wouldn’t let me near the bottle. She just stood there with her arms folded across her chest. You can’t get that Italian girl to move anywhere,” he laughs slightly, ”I didn’t even know I did it until the next morning when I woke up and saw her. She had this big bruise on the side of her face and I wanted to know who did it. She just stared at me and I yelled for her to tell me. Tell me so I could kill the guy. I did it. Fuck,” he mutters and puts his hands against his eyes trying to stop the tears,” I smacked her. I hit her. I. Hit. Her. I couldn’t even remember it I was so drunk. She was scared of me. She was scared to come near me and I started crying. I just broke down. That’s why I knew I needed help. No one sat me down and told me I needed it. I didn’t notice I had a problem and just decide hey I need help. No, that was why I knew I needed help. I tried all my life to protect her and I hurt her. I knew her since I was born JC. I was there for her when her dad died. I stayed by her bed when she got in that car accident when she was in a coma and I hit her. I fucking hit her!” he screams and stands up walking over and throwing the lamp off the nightstand by JC’s feet,” Just go. Please, I’ll talk to you later.”
“Ok,” JC says staring at him and walking out of the room shutting the door behind him.
JC walks into his room and shuts his door leaning against it and sliding onto the floor. He pulls his knees against his chest and holds them tightly. AJ and Rachel had known each other since they were born. Rachel was two days older the AJ and they grew up together. The two of them were inseparable even when they weren’t dating, which only started two years ago. AJ watched over her like a hawk after her dad died when she was fourteen and the way he must feel now, JC didn’t even want to know it.
JC stares up at the ceiling as his eyes start to water and he tries to fight the tears back until they stung his eyes and finally came out making lines down his face. AJ had done nothing compared to what he had done over the years. God, he had just broken up with Bobbie a few months ago because of his problem and what he would do to her. It amazed him how long she stayed, but he didn’t care. The only reason he picked her was because she had long brown hair, thin, big brown eyes and she even smiled like Polly smiled. The truth was she didn’t mean a damn thing to him even after a year and a half of dating. Not one damn thing.
JC closes his eyes and lets his knees go as he holds his face in his hands and starts to sob quietly. God it hurt. It hurt so bad now. There was nothing to help him now and he was forced to deal with the pain all by himself. He reaches up to his head and begins pulling on his hair, which had grown out since he had broken up with Polly. They hadn’t even really broken up, but all communication stopped completely between the two of them. When she tried to kill herself JC had gone on such a coke binge that Chris made him throw up in the bathroom when he got to the hotel because he was afraid of what might happen. So he sat there in the bathroom head over the toilet shoving his fingers down his throat making himself throw up as Chris watched until he was happy enough with what came up.
JC pulled on his hair as AJ’s words circle in his head again and again. Not about what he did, but what he was saying when he had gotten to the lunch table.
“From forth the fatal loins of these two foes a pair of star crossed lovers take their lives.”
If she had died, JC would of killed himself. He knew that much. He would of done it in any way possible. He thought about it many the times when he would lie awake in bed with Bobbie next to him staring at the ceiling. He could hang himself in the bathroom, jump off a balcony, sniff some bad crack, take too much crack, a gun, but that was hard to get, jumping off anything would work, run his car into something, he had thought about drinking Drano before, and he even tried before. Lance found him though on the bathroom floor. After Polly and him and broken up the tour manager would give him sleeping pills because he couldn’t get to sleep. He would save them up every night in a sock he kept them in and every night he would line them up and stare as the number grew. When it reached twenty-five he took them all, but Lance found him and they got his stomach pumped in time. Of course Johnny hid the suicide attempt form the press. They didn’t let him sleep alone for another two months.
JC sighs and gets up. He opens the door and walks down the hall; down the stairs onto the first floor over to the door her had seen AJ going into before. He wipes his eyes his arm and stares at a lady in her thirties it looked, with brown hair, blue eyes and glasses.
“Can I help you?” she asks,” Are you alright?”
“I need help.”
“For what?”
“Depression, suicidal, you name it I have it,” JC laughs as tears roll down his face again and he quickly wipes them away.
“Are you seeing a psychiatrist?”
“No, that’s why I’m here.”
“Ok, I’ll see what I can do for you. Take a seat please.”
That day in group therapy AJ sits between JC and Chase with a pair of dark sunglasses on over his eyes that JC figured he wore because his eyes were red and he didn’t want any questions asked. Through the whole thing AJ was zoning out staring at the floor or into space, not answering the first time his name was called until Chase or JC elbowed him to tell him to pay attention. As soon as it was over AJ gets up and walks out of the room running up the stairs to his room shutting the door. Derek looks at JC as he watches AJ run up the stairs.
“What’s wrong with him?”
“He has some personal problems. Don’t bother him. He needs space.”
“Is he ok?” Chase asks.
“I don’t know. I hope.”
“I saw you in Dr. Garren’s room today. Why were you there.”
“Personal problems of my own,” JC says and walks away from the two of them up the stairs as the two of the stare at him.
JC walks into his room and shuts the door. He walks over to his bed and sits on it with his legs crossed Indian style.
“God?” he says looking up at the ceiling and back down at the bed spread,” I don’t know if you can hear me or even remember who I am, I kind of fell out of the faith a few years ago during rough times. I’m Joshua Chasze, JC if you like. I’m having some rough times now. I know they are only gonna get worse, but if you can make it easier on me and AJ he needs it too. You probably know him though. He always prays. I...I just really need help now,” he sighs as his eyes swell up with tears again,” If you’re listening, because I know there are so many people that are better then me asking for help, I just want you to know I’m here and I need help, just a little help. And God, please watch over Polly. I put her through a lot a few nights ago, just make sure she is safe. That’s all for now. Thank you for listening.”
AJ stares in at JC from a crack in the door and smiles slightly before closing it and walking back to his room. He picks up a small piece of paper from his nightstand and tape then walks back over to JC’s door and tapes it to the door.
Footprints In The Sand
One night a man had a dream.
He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Across the Sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand:
One belonged to him, and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
He looked back at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path of his life,
There was only one set of footprints.
He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life.
This really bothered him and he questioned the Lord about it.
"Lord, You said that once I decided to follow You,
You'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life,
There is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when I needed You most, You would leave me."
The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child.
I love you and I would never leave you
During your times of trial and suffering.
When you see only one set of footprints,
It was then that I carried you."
Author Unknown
