JC walks around his room pacing as he stares at his lap top that was sitting on his bed open with an empty white Microsoft Word document open on it.
“ I can do this,” JC says to himself staring at the laptop,” I can do this. This is easy. Ok, so no it’s not, but I can do it. Well I can do it, but I don’t know about the whole reading out loud thing.”
“Are you talking to yourself?” AJ asks sticking his head in the door.
“No.”
“Sure.”
It had been a few days since AJ had basically had a nervous break down according to him and by now he was back to being the AJ that everyone in the rehab center seemed to love. Since then AJ had moved on to step five and it seemed to JC no matter what AJ was going to be ahead of him through the whole thing. It didn’t bother JC though, so he moved along at his own pace.
“Hey do you have a pair of nice black pants I can borrow?” AJ asks.
“Yeah, um why?”
“My mom is coming to visit me today,” he smiles.
“So you need nice black pants?”
“Ok, you know what…”
“You didn’t do your wash again did you?”
“Maybe.”
“How about jeans?”
“No, you wear them too tight.”
“AJ you can fit yourself in a leg to each of your pants.”
“So?”
“Nevermind.”
“How about a nice pair of sweatpants?”
“A nice pair of sweatpants?”
“Oh come on Mr. Abercrombie and Fitch/ Banana Republic, I know you have a nice pair of sweatpants.”
“Bottom drawer.”
“Thank you.” AJ says walking over to the dresser and pulling out a pair of sweatpants.
JC stares at him and finally notices that AJ is standing in his boxers.
“You really have no shame do you?”
“Not much of it,” AJ says pulling on the sweat pants,” Damn man these are tight in the crotch,” he says walking out of the room back over to his.
“Hey,” JC yells as AJ shuts his door to his room back to doing whatever AJ did by himself.
JC stares at his laptop as the light for low battery starts to flash and finally gives up shutting it down and putting the charger in the wall. He would do his inventory later he decided as he walks out of his room and downstairs. He starts walking towards the small store in the rehab center and in order to get there you had to pass the phones, so as usual AJ was sitting by a phone talking. JC stops and stares at him.
“No Devon you do not understand the magnitude of this situation here. Brian get off the other line. No I do not know where your U2’s greatest hits CD is. Oh wait no I do. I have it. Sorry, I think I grabbed it when I left the tour. I’m sorry I am depriving you of “Sunday Bloody Sunday” ok? What do you want me to do sing it for you cause I will? Hey everyone wanna hear me sing “Sunday Bloody Sunday”? No I am not drunk, Nick. Give Brian back the phone you idiot. How can I be drunk and in rehab? Ok back to MY comment you do not understand the magnitude of the situation here, Devon. Ok listen they have sporks, ok. Stop laughing at me. No you do not have to mail me forks and spoons. What do you mean people are saying the Backstreet Boys aren’t bland anymore. Wait, it took me going to rehab for them to see that? You know what Brian fine. Fine be satisfied. I can’t believe the news today. I can’t close my eyes and make it go away. How long? How long must we sing this song? How long? How longggggg? Cause tonight, we can be as one, tonightttt…”
JC decided that was the time to leave AJ along as he starts singing the first verse to “Sunday Bloody Sunday” and he hears the words Sunday, bloody, Sunday being yelled down the hall. As soon as JC reaches the store he picks up a pack of gum and then decided that he was probably going to need three and pays for them walking back past AJ who was finishing up “Sunday Bloody Sunday” with a crowd surrounding him and as he finishes they start clapping. JC sighs and leans against the wall waiting for AJ to get done.
“Ha. Ha. You hear that, Brian? Hello? What do you mean you put the phone down? You know what next time Devon calls me tell him not to have you and Nick around ok? Ok, I gotta go Rok there is a line behind me waiting for the phone. Say bye to Nick and Devon for me. No, I will not mail you the CD. Ok bye-bye,” AJ says and hangs up and walks away from the phone,” I think I need new friends,” he says to JC.
“You’re lucky you have people calling you,” JC says as the two of them begin to walk down the hall.
“You haven’t talked to anyone?”
“No.”
“Not even your parents?”
“Nope.”
“Call them. Let’s get in line.”
“That’s ok.”
“C’mon,” AJ says turning around and getting behind five people who were waiting for the phone.
“I dunno, AJ.”
“C’mon,” AJ says pulling him into the line.
“Fine,” JC puffs.
“So who you gonna call?”
“I dunno.”
“Think.”
“I guess I can call Justin.”
“Whatever floats your boat, man. I don’t especially like him.”
“You don’t like any of my band mates.”
“True. True.”
“So why is your mom coming, visit?”
“Step number five.”
“Huh?”
“I have to admit my wrongs to someone and I figure no one is better then my mom.”
“Oh,” JC nods realizing that he would have to tell someone about all his problems.
“No you know what don’t call Justin.”
“Huh?”
“I’ll call someone for you.”
“Will you know?”
“Yup.”
By the time JC got to the phone for his turn AJ was already grabbing the receiver and dialing a number. JC figured if AJ had a memory as good for keeping phone numbers as he did names and lines from plays he had to be some kind of genius. AJ stands with the phone to his ear tapping a finger on the phone.
“Hey. I’m good. How about yourself? That’s good. What do you mean do I have your The Doors greatest hits CD? Why do you people always assume I have your CDs? Alright I’ll clean my bus out when I get home. Ok I got a question for you. You wanna talk to someone? It will really help him out. Uh maybe. I know. I know. Pleaseeeeee. Pleaseeeee. PLEASEEEEEE. Uh huh. Uh huh. Ok. It’s for you,” AJ says handing the phone to JC and walking away.
“Where are you going?”
“My mom is gonna be here in a few minutes,” he yells back walking around the corner.
“AJ,” JC yells,” Who am I talking to?”
“Hello?”
“Oh hello?” JC says into the phone.
“Josh?”
“Polly? Um uh.”
“Are you ok?”
“Uh.”
“Josh?”
“Yeah, yeah I’m fine.”
“You sure you were really out of it that night?”
“Yeah, I’m ok. Don’t worry about me.”
“Yeah so…”
“Are you still mad at me?” JC blurts out and then covers his mouth and smacks himself in the head,” No you don’t have to answer that.”
“No it’s ok. I’m over it now.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, just take care of yourself ok.”
“Why does AJ have depression?”
“I dunno. Why?”
“Because I never knew someone who seemed so happy could be so torn inside.”
“You’re kidding me right?”
“No.”
“Oh please we all know you and Justin are cocaine addicts. Justin never seems that depressed, but he is. Why is he depressed? If he can be depressed so can AJ.”
“Yeah, you’re right,” he says sitting down on the floor holding the phone to his ear, “Are you ok.”
“You already asked me that and it’s a little too late for you to ask me that.”
Ouch that one hurt, JC thinks.
“How come when I was about to die you never asked me that?”
Double ouch.
“Huh? Where were you then? If you loved me that much how come you never came to see me?”
“I couldn’t.”
“Why?”
“Listen, Polly, I just couldn’t. I wanted to believe me, but you know what would have happened if I went. I would have been beaten to a pulp by LaRusso and LaRusso alone could do it.”
“That’s your reason?”
“No,” he sighs putting his head back against the wall,” I couldn’t because I was in the hospital.”
“What?”
“I was in the hospital getting my stomach pumped because I took 25 sleeping pills at once.”
“Jesus Josh.”
“I know. It was stupid. I’ve heard it a thousand times, so I don’t need another lecture.”
“I’m not the one to lecture you about it, Josh.”
“How come AJ called you?”
“I don’t know. That’s AJ for you. Would you give it all up to be back?”
“What?”
“Would you give up what you have now to go back where you were before?”
“Back to when NSYNC wasn’t anything?”
“Yes.”
“Yeah, it was a lot easier. Would AJ?”
“No, not in a long shot. AJ has a good life besides what happened now. He lives for the stage and you can’t that away from him.”
“Hey there are other people who need to use the phone you know,” a voice says from down the hall staring at him.
“Fuck off!” JC yells at him,” I have to write a moral inventory for the step I am on.”
“So, write one.”
“Well I need to admit them to someone for the next step.”
“AJ will listen.”
“Yeah, but see he is telling his mom. I figured I should tell someone else and no one deserves to hear them more then you, so can I tell you?”
“Hey buddy get off the phone.”
“Fuck off!”
“I guess you gotta go?”
“I’m never on the phone and the one time I am.”
“I’ll listen.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah.”
“Ok, ok great uh I’ll call you when I have to tell you ok?”
“Ok.”
“Ok,” JC smiles to himself,” I better go, ok.”
“Ok, I’ll talk to you later.”
“Bye.”
“Bye,” she says and hangs up.
“YES,” JC yells scrambling up off the floor and running down the hall to the sitting room where AJ is sitting with his mom talking,” I love you. I love you,” he says grabbing AJ into a hug and kissing him on the check, as AJ stares at him,” Hi, Ms. McLean you probably don’t remember me, but I’m JC and and I gotta go write my inventory,” he says running off back out of the room grabbing Chase as he passes and swings him around screaming she said yes then letting him go as he runs off sending him falling to the floor.
“Yeah, that was JC,” AJ says looking at his mom,” He’s a cocaine addict and don’t worry I’m not the desperate. Give Rachel a hug and kiss for me and tell her I love her.”
“You already told me to do that for you, Alex,” his mom smiles.
“Oh.”
“Five times.”
“Oh, well then do it five times.”
“Ok, sweetheart.”
JC runs up to his room grabs his laptop off the top of his nightstand and throws himself onto his bed turning it on. He opens Microsoft word to a blank document and begins to write the following.
Moral Inventory
By: Joshua Chasez
I lied to people I love.
I’ve hurt people I love. I’ve cheated on my girlfriends.
I’ve hit my past girlfriend, Bobbie.
I’ve tried to kill myself.
I’ve hit my band mates.
I’ve disrespected women.
I’ve disrespected my family and friends.
I’ve hit my friends.
I’ve stolen money.
I’ve stolen belongings from other people to pawn for money.
I’ve hurt the person I love the most in the world.
I’ve given up on God at a point in my life.
JC stares down at the computer screen and sighs. He had probably broken every one of the Ten Commandments besides thou shall not kill. He hits save and closes the laptop. He couldn’t think of any more things he had done at that time, but he knew there were more. He looks out the window as the sun starts to set and looks at the nightstand where a piece of paper sat that JC looked at every night before he went to bed for the past few nights. It was poem he had found taped to his door “Footprints in the Sand” a few nights ago. He figured AJ did it because AJ would be the type of person to take the initiative and do that for him even when he was shaving a hard time.
He looks at his TV that he had hardly watched since he got to the rehab center and turns it on with the remote that was sitting on the nightstand. The words of Pearl Jam’s “Jeremy” float out across from the screen along with the picture of a boy walking into a classroom throwing his teacher an album and pulling out a gun smiling. JC smiles as the last few cords of the song are played and R. Kelly’s “I Wish” begins to play.
“Rolling through hood just stopped by to say what’s up and let you know your baby boy ain’t doing so tough. Even though you’ve passed going on four long years I’m still waking up late at night crying tears. Just thinking about those days you used to talk to me smiling when I’m sipping on this henasy and remember how we would brag on how rich we would be to get up out this hood was like a fantasy. Oh I can’t believe my ears and what everybody’s saying. I’ll tell you folks don’t know the half. I would give it all up to take just one ride with you. How I used to kick it on the front porch, with you. And how I used to lay back and smoke weed, with you. And all the things and joints we’d do now I’m just missing you. How I wish. I wish that I could hold you now. I wish that I could touch you now. I wish I could talk to you, be with you somehow. I know you’re in a better place even though I can’t see your face. I know you’re smiling down on me saying everything’s ok. And if I make it out this thug life I’ll see you again some day. I wish. I wish. I wish. Oh son what does it prophet a man to gain the whole world and loose his soul? I want out, but it’s hard. I need answers momma. Robert. I need answers. Son. Ever since this money comes it’s been nothing, but stress. Sometimes I wish I could just trade in my success. Y’all look at me and say boy you’ve been blessed, but you don’t see the inside of my unhappiness. Man I swear this shit gets heavy like a ton, that’s why you hear me shoot this real shit off like a gun. Mmm I wonder how my friends would treat me now if I wasn’t iced up with a Bentley and a house. That’s why fake ass nigers get fake ass digits and fake ass players get a real player hatin them. Honey Love goes platinum and y’all come around, but you don’t wanna raise the roof till my shit it going down. Oh I can’t believe my ears and what everybody’s sayin. Oh I’ll tell you folks don’t know the half. I would give it all up to take just one ride, with you. How I used to hoop hop in tournaments, with you. How I used to club hop on weekends, with you. Your family called the morning of a tragic game, damn my condolences. I wish that I could hold you now. I wish that I could touch you now. I wish I could talk to you, be with you somehow. I know you’re in a better place even though I can’t see your face. I know you’re smiling down on me saying everything’s ok. And if I make it out this thug life I’ll see you again some day. Voices in my head be telling me come to church. Said the Lord is only way to stop the hurt. Dreaming of windows black tinted like a hours and waking up to life sometimes seems worse. All I ever wanted to be was a better man and I try to keep it real with my homies man. Want me to say the world I don’t understand. How did I become a leader? Oh I can’t believe my ears and what everybody’s sayin. Oh I’ll tell you folks don’t know the half. I would give it all up to take just one ride, with you. How I used to street perform on Fridays, with you. How I used to go to church on Easter Sundays, with you. Instead of y’all throwing them stones at me somebody pray for me. I wish that I could hold you now. I wish that I could touch you now. I wish I could talk to you, be with you somehow. I know you’re in a better place even though I can’t see your face. I know you’re smiling down on me saying everything’s ok. I wish that I could hold you now. I wish that I could touch you now. I wish I could talk to you, be with you somehow. I know you’re in a better place even though I can’t see your face. I know you’re smiling down on me saying everything’s ok. I wish that I could hold you now. I wish that I could touch you now. I wish I could talk to you, be with you somehow. I know you’re in a better place even though I can’t see your face. I know you’re smiling down on me saying everything’s ok.”
