JC stares at his moral inventory that was written down on a paper that was folded into sixes. The folding lines on the paper showed that the paper had been folded and unfolded time and time again. JC figured he had folded and refolded the paper about twenty times looking at it reading each line over and over again until now since he could recite the whole list. It had been three days since he had written it and AJ said if he took it out one more time in front of him he would burn it with his lighter, which he still carried around even though he said he was quitting smoking. JC believed him too.
As usual AJ was a step ahead of JC and on step six now. AJ said it was the easiest step for him since he really wanted help. This only meant that JC was going to end up trying harder. AJ had also spent the day sitting outside and burning a Willa Ford CD, which was just released that his mom brought him, with Chase who was wearing a Spear Britney T-shirt. AJ said he had to make peace with himself, since he had to deal with the bitch for so many years. Chase was just there because he hated pop music in general, but said he could deal with being around AJ and JC.
The more time JC spent with AJ the more he realized just how different AJ was from other people in the world who surrounded him. AJ reminded JC of the type of person who would go outside when it was raining and stand there just tasting the rain appreciating it for what it was, a gift. At least he was like that when he was sober, JC couldn’t tell you what AJ was like drunk. Of course Rachel was the same as him watching the world through wide eyes even though she had been in the business for so long and was filthy fucking rich, not just rich.
AJ had also recently moved from his obsession with the Lizard King and had moved on to listening to Robbie Williams for some reason. JC just figured AJ’s mind moved in a constant cycle daily flipping through ideas and coming up with things to keep himself busy before he got bored. To say the least it was interesting for JC. JC spent his mornings before lunch in his room while AJ and Derek usually went to the gym to work out for a little.
JC was also finding out more and more about Chase and Derek. Chase was only nineteen, but had been doing heroine for years now. He spent his days following around Derek or AJ; it depended on who he saw first or who kept his attention. Chase wasn’t a leader to say the least. He talked, but not often. He mostly just stood there and listened until he thought about the conversation and said something that made a point either solving a problem or causing more arguments. Chase had been a run away for most of his life from fourteen up until now. He didn’t like his father, so he ran away and somehow ended up in LA from Phoenix. He lived on the street and got involved with a group of runaways like himself who were into drugs. How he ended up in rehab JC would never know, since he didn’t like to talk about it.
Derek on the other hand was the exact opposite. Derek grew up the second son of a detective for the LAPD and his mom was a homemaker. He had one older brother Caleb who was an FBI agent and a younger sister Marie who was only eleven. He was a star athlete in high school along with being an honor student, but the pressure ended up getting to him in college from work and his parents expectations. He turned to pills because he could get them easily since he was having problems with his ankles. He would go to the doctor complain of pains and swelling then walk out with a prescription. It all caught up to him though when his brother found out and told his parents, so that was why he was here now.
JC walks into the lunchroom and takes a seat at the table looking at AJ, Derek and Chase.
“Where’s your food?” AJ asks.
“I’m not hungry?”
“She’s coming today isn’t she?” AJ says staring at him.
Damn, JC thinks.
“Who?” Chase asks staring at both of them and taking a bite of a sandwich he had.
“Polly,” Derek says.
“Ohhhhhh Polly,” Chase says curtly,” All I can say is kiss some major ass.”
“You know when you actually talk you say very wise things,” AJ says as Chase smiles.
“Would you guys leave me alone,” JC says.
“You better eat something cause if I know Polly she is going to ask if you’re eating right being the health freak she is,” AJ says solemnly poking fruit with his sprok,” Damn sporks never work,” he mumbles and stabs the piece of pineapple with a knife.
“I am eating right and if I eat now I feel like I’ll throw up.”
“Pineapple?” AJ says holding out a piece of cut up pineapple stuck on a knife.
“No thanks.”
“My mom thinks you should eat more.”
“You’re mom thinks I don’t eat anything.”
“You are really skinny,” Derek says.
“But AJ is too and it’s his mom.”
“Yeah but he has more muscles and wears baggier clothes, so it fills out.”
“But…but …God you guys are not helping.”
“I think he’s having a break down,” Chase says.
“Yup,” Derek nods.
“I am not breaking down,” JC snaps,” I’m just nervous.”
“Breakdown,” all three say.
“Can I meet her?” Chase asks.
“I dunno…” JC says as AJ looks up and glares at him,” Yeah I guess you can,” he adds as AJ nods going back to his fruit.
“Rachel is coming today too,” AJ smiles getting a pack of peanuts from the table and opening them. He spreads them all out on the table and picks out the lighter color ones to eat.
AJ had some weird habits.
“AJ you ever read Fahrenheit 451?” JC asks staring at him.
“I don’t think so. Why?”
“You just remind me of someone in the book.”
“Who? I’ll ask Rachel or my mom to get me a copy to read.”
“The girl, I forget her name. She went around just seeing everything so different from everyone else. When people were shut up in their homes with things like TV she was out walking in the rain smelling flowers and just living.”
“You do,” Derek says agreeing with AJ.
“Well now I have to read the damn book,” AJ says staring between the two of them and going back to his peanuts humming Moby’s “Natural Blues”, ”Don’t nobody know my troubles with God. Don’t nobody know my troubles with God,” he sings then goes back to humming.
For some reason the most irrelevant songs AJ picked out to hum or sing seemed to fit into the soundtrack that was JC’s life, but for some reason he kept going back to the one line from R. Kelly’s “I Wish”. “ Oh son what does it prophet a man to gain the whole world and loose his soul? I want out, but it’s hard. I need answers.”
“What?” AJ asks looking at JC.
“What what?” JC asks.
“You were mumbling something.”
“I was.”
“Yeah,” Derek says looking at him oddly.
“Oh I was just thinking out loud I guess.”
“Bout what?” Chase asks.
“A saying.”
“Oh God stop with the sayings,” AJ says moaning and rolling his eyes.
“No listen it applies to us. What does it prophet a man to gain the world and loose his soul?”
“Nothing,” AJ says calmly,” It gains him nothing, but I don’t think I’ve gained the world at all. I feel like I’m stuck in some kind of purgatory or something.”
“Yeah, but think of it applying to the music business. We gained the whole world through it and we only lost ourselves.”
“I have a better saying,” AJ says,” Save me from drowning in the sea, beat me up on the beach.”
“What?”
“Think about it,” AJ says getting up from the table,” It may apply to you more then anyone,” he smiles and walks away from the table and out of the room probably to the phone.
“He is that girl from Fahrenheit 451,” Derek says staring at AJ as he leaves.
“But the girl vanishes in the end,” JC sighs getting up from the table.
“Where you going?” Chase asks.
“I gotta go meet Polly.”
“Oh.”
“Come by in about an hour ok.”
“Ok.”
JC walks down the hall and to the sitting area sitting in a chair that is facing the doors. He stares at the doors biting his thumbnail and running his other hand through his hair. He watches as Polly gets out of a taxi and goes to pay the driver. Before he knew what he was doing he was bolting out of the chair, tripping over a throw rug and falling flat on his face in front of her as she walks in.
“Oh my God are you ok?” she asks kneeling down to look at him.
“Uh um yeah,” he says feeling his face getting hotter and he knew he had to be blushing. God he was an idiot.
He stands up and stares at her. She had cut her hair and it only reached to her shoulders now. She was wearing a plain pair of denim jeans boot cut, a tight black t-shirt and a red jacket that was the light kind made out of sweat shirt material. JC had never seen a more gorgeous sight in his life.
“God you look great,” he says to her and reaches to hug her, but she backs up.
“I thought we were here to talk?”
“We are,” he says,” Um do you wanna sit down?”
“Can we sit outside?”
“Yeah, yeah sure. Um there is a small trial leading into the woods and it leads to a small lake. It has a dock and everything.”
“Ok. Do you want to get a jacket or something?”
“Huh? Oh,” he says looking down at his jeans and plain black t-shirt,” Um I’m gonna run to my room. I’ll be right back,” he says running off to the stairs and running up them to his room.
He pulls a brown leather jacket out of the closet and pulls it on. He hadn’t worn it in years. She had gotten it for him on his twentieth birthday and he would wear it everywhere even in the heat. He looks in the mirror and pushes a few loose strands of hair back in place. He turns his necklace around so the pendant faces the right way and then he runs out of the room and back down the steps to find Polly talking to none other then Chase.
“Hi JC,” Chase says looking at JC as he walks up.
“Hi Chase. Um I see you met Polly,” JC says rocking back and forth on his heels while he talks.
“Yeah, she’s very nice.”
“Yeah um Chase can we talk to you later I was hoping to go out for a walk.”
“Oh, sorry.”
“No it’s ok,” Polly smiles at him,” I’ll talk to you later ok?”
“Ok,” Chase says and walks off back to the game room.
“He’s cute,” Polly says to JC.
“I guess,” JC sighs,” You ready to go?”
“Yeah,” she says.
“Ok, c’mon,” JC says,” Follow me,” he adds walking down the hall and out the back door to the rehab center to the back yard that was filled with table and chairs along with a lot of grass land.
“What’s wrong with Chase?” she asks as the two of them walk across the yard to the woods where a small path starts.
“He does heroine, well he did heroine. He had a hard life. He’s a good kid though.”
“He’s really nice.”
“Um what were you two talking about?” he says thinking please don’t let it be me, please don’t let it be me.
“Stuff.”
Damn it was me, JC thinks.
“Nothing major,” she smiles.
“Ok,” he sighs kicking a stick off of the trail.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, it’s just…I’m thinking about a lot of things now. AJ wants me to take the meditation class with him they have here.”
“Do it. Meditation is very good for a person. Kevin does it. Do it for AJ at least. I think it could help him a lot.”
“I guess.”
“So when do you get to admitting the nature of your wrongs.”
“When we get to the dock.”
“Ok.”
“Can I ask you what something means to you?”
“Yeah.”
“What does the saying save me from drowning in the sea, beat me up on the beach mean to you?”
“It’s a Robbie Williams song,” she smiles.
“Ah I should of known he would tell me something from a song.”
“AJ?”
“Yeah.”
“AJ thinks too much.”
“I know. I know. What does it mean to you though?”
“It can be seen a lot of ways.”
“Well he said it might apply to me more then anyone.”
“Oh ok. He means by that that you know you’re gonna die and there are problems in the end, they’re the ocean. He is saying you don’t want to have to deal with the ocean, you know what is going to happen when you get there and you don’t want that. In other words you don’t want to drown. The only way you feel you can save yourself is to end it another way by getting someone to beat you up on the beach since you would rather die that way. Instead of getting beaten up you use drugs. You want to be saved from your problems, so you use drugs. Save me from drowning in the sea, beat me up on the beach. You understand?”
“Yeah,” JC says staring out in front of them as the dock comes into view.
“When did AJ get so smart?”
“I honestly don’t think he is trying to be smart. He just says the right things at the right times.”
“Yeah, I guess. Um there’s the dock,” he points a few feet in front of him,” I kinda wanted to sit on the end and talk.”
“Ok,” she says and walks onto the dock sitting on the end. “Ok,” JC sighs sitting down hanging his feet over the egged and pulling out his paper,” How do I start this.”
“How ever you want.”
“Ok. I’ll take one by one then and explain them I guess.”
“Alright.”
“I lied, a lot,” he says looking up at her,” I think you know about that more then anyone.”
“Uh huh,” she nods.
“I’ve hurt people I love. That includes you and my parents. I don’t think are especially proud that there son is a drug addict.”
“That doesn’t mean you hurt them you just let them down.”
“Thanks I guess. I’ve cheated on my girlfriends.”
“Girlfriends?”
“I cheated on you and Bobbie, but Bobbie was just there I didn’t care about her.”
“So you used people too.”
“I guess so, I need to add that.”
“I hit Bobbie.”
“You hit her?”
“I pushed her into things and smacked her once or twice. Never like Vanessa, I would never do that.”
“Ok.”
“I tried to kill myself. I told you that already.”
“Yeah, go on.”
“I hit my band mates.”
“You hit them?”
“I punched them a few times when I was out of my mind.”
“I’ve disrespected women. One-night stands and stuff like that. I didn’t even know most of their names.”
“You’re destroying yourself.”
“But I wanted that to happen,” he says as she stares at him with sad eyes, “I’ve disrespected family and friends. Taken advantage of them for my own gain.”
“Ok.”
“I hit my friends. I hit Tyler a few times when he got in my way. I’ve stolen money.”
“From who.”
“Basically everyone on tour for drug money. After a while they didn’t trust me with a lot of money.”
“Josh,” she sighs.
“I know. I know. I’ve stolen things and pawned them for money. I took someone’s necklace before. I don’t even remember whose. I’ve given up on God before, but I’m better with that now. Before I got her I had to fix that. And I hurt you. I…”
“JC!” AJ yells running up from out of the woods.
“What?” JC looks up at him.
“Mary G. is dead,” he says panting for breath.
“What?”
“She got some crack somehow and it wasn’t good crack. It killed her.”
“But she was a heroine addict.”
“Well that’s what she said. I think she did crack too.”
“FUCK!” JC yells laying back on the dock and closing his eyes,” Don’t you understand? That could have been me.”
“But you stopped now,” AJ says.
“But that could have been me a hundred times before, God DAMNIT!”
“We need to take him back, AJ” Polly says standing up.
“Ok, c’mon JC,” AJ says pulling JC to his feet.
“I can walk on my own God damnit,” he snaps walking away from them and off the dock back to the trail.
“C’mon,” AJ says to Polly as he follows JC and she walks close behind him.
JC trudges his way back to the rehab center and when he gets inside he runs up the stairs and to his room. AJ runs up after him and walks into JC’s room. He looks around the room and then walks into the bathroom where JC is sitting with his head under a sink full of water. AJ pulls him out by his waist and throws him out of the bedroom.
“What is your problem?” AJ yells at him,” What the hell is going through your mind?”
“God just leave me alone, AJ,” JC cries crawling on the floor over to his bed and onto it lying down.
“Jesus, Josh get up,” Polly says walking in.
“Go away both of you.”
“Stop acting like a baby,” Polly says walking over to him and rolling him over so he faces them.
“I said go away,” JC says rolling over putting his back to them again.
“Josh, listen to me,” Polly says bending her head over his body to look at him,” Don’t try anything stupid, ok? Ok?”
“Fine, Jesus.”
“Thank you,” she says pulling her head back and hugging his back.
“Stay here,” he mumbles.
“What?”
“Guess I should go now,” AJ says walking out of the room and back down the stairs to the first floor.
“Stay here for tonight,” JC says facing the wall still.
“I don’t think I can.”
“Yeah you can,” JC says turning over and hugging her, “I’m unstable you have too. I won’t try anything I swear. Just let me hold you.”
“Ok,” she says staring at him, “But that’s all.”
“Ok,” JC says and lets his eyes close.
“Hello. Hey baby,” AJ says into the phone as he sits on the floor holding his knees to his chest with one arm, “I just needed to talk to someone now. I’m ok I swear. It’s just hard right now. Someone here killed herself today. I know. I won’t I swear. I love you. It hurts baby. It just fucking kills inside,” he says as tears slid down his cheeks, “I just want to come home and sleep in my bed with you. I want my house with my dogs and my furniture. I want home, baby. I just want home. I want my life back, that’s all I want is my life back.”
