February 29, 2002
Tick, tick, tick. That’s the sound my brain is making while I wait for the day when I can get out of here. The walls are closing in on me now. I think I am having anxiety attacks now before shows and shit. I’ll be in my room before we head off towards a venue or in the venue in my dressing room and the room will just start to spin. After the spinning comes a headache and then I need to throw up. Yesterday I was just lying on the bathroom floor in my dressing room, my head over the toilet, and AJ walked in. The next thing I know he pulled be over to the sink and was splashing water all over my face. For a small guy AJ can be damn strong when he wants to. I snapped out of the zone I was in then.
“Nick! Nick, are you ok?” he asked me.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I said.
“Jesus what happened?”
“I…I just don’t feel that good.”
“You wanna get an Advil or something?”
“No, really I’ll be fine,” I said getting up.
“You sure man? You look really pale.”
“I said I’m fine.”
“Ok. Ok. I’ll see you in a few minutes then,” AJ said and then he walked out of the room leaving me alone again like I wanted.
I can’t blame AJ though. If I saw a person like that I would wonder too. I probably looked like hell too. He didn’t ask a lot of questions though, so I’m thankful for that.
Lately I just seem to sit around and watch people. I mean I REALLY watch them, like I try to see what they are like by just looking at them. Like oh he’s a snob, he does drugs, she is anorexic, she has no self esteem, their relationship is about to fall apart. Then the final thought why couldn’t I be like them? Hell they have problems, but their lives are probably better then mine. At least they aren’t crazy.
I’m over worked, but I’m under sexed. Yeah that is me. I really need to stop listening to Garbage.
Kevin walks into his kitchen to find AJ sitting at the table painting his nails black.
“Must you do that in my kitchen?” Kevin asks walking up and sitting across from him.
“I dunno,” AJ says as he finishes the last nail and blows on them.
“You know if you weren’t you I’d be making so much fun of you right now,” Kevin says smirking.
“And that’s why I’m the rebel one right?” AJ says smirking back and reaching for his soda can that is to the left of him, “Ah shit,” he says looking at the unopened soda can, ‘I knew I was supposed to do something before I started this.”
“You’re an idiot,” Kevin says taking the can and opening it for him, “Where’s Howie?”
“Where do you think?” AJ asks taking a sip of his soda, “He’s on the phone and faxing people at his company.”
“Does he ever stop working?”
“No and I don’t think that’s healthy for him at all.”
“It’s not. Where’s Brian?”
“I think he’s out back playing nature boy again.”
“Nature boy?”
“You know trying to show Faith leaves and stuff. Like the girl is going to remember that the big green one is such and such a leaf. They’re all leaves to me. I think Leigh is out there with him too.”
“Where’s Isabella?”
AJ frowns slightly, “She got a call and she had to go to Miami today for an audition for some movie. I don’t see why she needs to do it I mean she has the Sopranos. I hate the entertainment business some times.”
Kevin nods in agreement.
“You think Brian is ok?”
“Honestly I don’t know. I think he just needs some kind of reassurance or something.”
“Reassurance of what?”
“That’s the thing. I don’t know of what.”
“Never become a psychologist Kevin.”
“Fine by me. I can barely handle my own problems. So you really thought Nick was dead?”
“Yeah. I found it easier to think that he was dead then out there somewhere doing God knows what, but now I don’t know. You?”
“I dunno. I want him to be alive, but anything could happen to him out in the world. Any type of accident and they wouldn’t know who he was to help him.”
“Yeah, exactly.”
“I’ve been meaning to ask you something?”
“Ok shoot.”
“You haven’t relapsed have you?”
AJ takes a deep breathe and lets it back out, “No and yes. No, I haven’t gone back totally. Isabella would beat me if I did that, but at times I need a drink. Like when we do all this talking about Nick and shit I need at least one. It’s only one though.”
Kevin stares at AJ, “It’s not just one AJ. Honestly please just stop. That’s how all the other shit started. It was always just one and then it started growing.”
“I know. I know.”
“Just try and cut down a little.”
“Ok.”
“Alright. Have fun letting your nails dry,” Kevin smiles and gets up from the table walking out of the kitchen.
Kevin got rid of all the liquor in his house that afternoon.
Brian looks over his shoulder as Leigh Ann holds Faith up by her small hands making her walk across the lawn. He watches Litty and Tyke run around the house from the front yard to the back and back around again chasing each other. Brian looks up as AJ comes out of the house and lights a cigarette.
“Hey you said if I do it outside it’s ok,” AJ says to Brian, “I’m outside.”
“I know. Can you must move away from the baby though,” Brian says.
“Alright. I’ll do it for Leigh Ann,” AJ says and walks over to a willow tree then sits under it. He pulls out a small notepad from his back pocket and a small pencil.
“What ya doing?” Brian asks.
“Nothin,” AJ says and takes a drag off his cigarette.
Brian frowns and then turns back around to watch Leigh and Faith. Tyke runs up to him and beginnings yapping at his feet as Brian looks down at him. He shoves him away slightly with his foot telling him to go play with Litty and then he sees it as Tyke walks away. There tied around Tyke’s small neck with a small piece of paper folded up.
“Stop Tyke!” Brian yells as Tyke runs off and he begins to chase him.
“Honey what are you doing?” Leigh asks watching Brian chasing around Tyke.
“I gotta get him.”
“Why?”
“He has something tied to his neck. AJ help me.”
AJ looks at him and reluctantly gets up from his spot, “Fine.”
“You two look like idiots,” Leigh Ann says watching the two of them chase after the small dog.
“This isn’t working Brian,” AJ says trying to jump and catch Tyke, but only landing on the grass.
“Tyke. Tyke, come to daddy,” Brian says as he follows Tyke, “Damnit Tyke get over here!”
Leigh Ann shakes her head at them and walks inside with Faith.
“What are you two doing?” Howie asks walking out with Kevin. “Catch Tyke,” Brian says, “He’s got something stuck on him.”
Howie and Kevin look at each other then back at Brian as him and AJ collide with each other falling to the ground.
“Men I swear they never think,” Leigh Ann says walking up and holding out a dog treat for Tyke as he runs up to her.
“Nice going guys,” Howie says and Brian and AJ walk up to Leigh and take Tyke.
“What’s this?” Brian says pulling the small folded up paper from under Tyke’s collar as the others gather around to look at it.
“Oh helllll no,” AJ says.
“If she tells us to follow the frickin white rabbit next I am so outta here,” AJ says to the guys as he sits behind the steering wheel of his Expedition.
“AJ, she won’t do that,” Brian says from the passengers seat next to him.
“How do you know that? Why are we even going to her place anyway?”
“Because she said she knows things.”
“She doesn’t know things. She is psycho. Has been ever since Timberlake left her too. Why the hell would Nick tell her anything?”
“You know AJ is right,” Kevin says, “Nick never really got a long with Britney.”
“See,” AJ says, “So we can just turn around right.”
“No!” Brian says.
“It’s worth a shot,” Howie says.
“Stop! Stop! Stop!” Brian yells, “Pull over!”
“Jesus!” AJ yells hitting the brakes and then pulling over quickly.
“What happened?” Howie asks.
“Brian, where are you going?” Kevin asks as Brian opens the car door and runs out of the car.
“Jesus what now,” AJ mutters getting out of the car, “Please don’t tell me he is the white rabbit,” AJ says running off with the others after Brian.
“Good God what is that?” Kevin says as he runs up to where Brian is standing.
“I told you,” AJ yells, “Now can we go back?”
There standing in front of them plastered across the side of a building were pictures of Nick. Pictures they had never seen before of him sitting on the floor holding a joint, of him holding a pocketknife, of him staring at Justin and Ness. Brian looks at them and begins tearing them down.
“Guys help me,” Brian says as he pulls off the pictures and the guys begin to help him.
“I told you I knew things,” a voice says from behind them and holds up a professional camera taking a picture.
“Chasez, you little shit,” AJ yells tackling him.
“Stop AJ,” Kevin says pulling AJ off of JC as AJ keeps kicking his feet in the air.
“What are you doing here?” Howie asks as Brian pulls the last of the pictures off.
“So you got my note?”
“That was you?” Brian says,” “but it says Britney.”
“I know. I didn’t think you’d come if it were me. I knew someone would see the wall and stop to check it out.”
“Well what the fuck do you want?” AJ yells.
“And why do you have these pictures?” Kevin asks.
“Are you gonna hit me again?”
“No,” Kevin says looking at AJ as AJ folds his arms.
“Ok, towards the end we all got a little worried about Justin…”
“A little worried the boy was ready to kill Britney,” AJ says.
“What?”
“Don’t listen to him just keep going,” Brian says.
“Ok,” JC says staring at AJ, “Anyway we got worried about Justin, so we planted cameras in his room to record and take pictures.”
“A lot of good that did,” AJ mumbles.
“As I was saying,” JC says glaring at AJ, “We couldn’t get Justin to stop he was on self destruct mode or something and when we found Nick in them we didn’t know what to do. We thought you guys knew so we kept them. I was cleaning my old house and I found rolls of films and videos, so I looked through them and these were on it. I just think you should have them.”
JC walks over to the building and picks up a cardboard box then bringing it back over to where Kevin stands giving the box to him.
“You can keep them.”
“Thanks,” Kevin says.
“Yeah, thank you,” Brian says, “What’s with the camera?”
“Oh, I am going to school. I wanna be a photographer,” JC smiles.
“Good luck,” Brian says as the four of them start to walk off.
“You too,” JC says to them as they turn a bend and disappear.
“Why do you do this,” Ness asks Nick as she pokes his calf lightly as the others watch the TV screen.
“Because if I don’t I only feel worse.”
“You’re lying.”
“So what if I am,” Nick asks as he pulls out a joint from his pocket and lights it.
“You do it to feel in control of something don’t you?”
“Maybe,” Nick says taking a drag off his joint and offering it to her as she waves it away.
“You should stop.”
“Really? That’s something I’ve never heard before,” Nick says sarcastically as Ness stares at him, “Why are you so worried about me? What about him?” Nick says and points over at Justin who is passed out lying on a sofa in the hotel room.
Vanessa looks over her shoulder at him and frowns, “He’s broken. He’s so broken. It scares me. You are too.”
“I’m not broken. I’m crazy,” Nick says bluntly.
“You’re not crazy.”
“Yeah I am. Wanna know why?”
Vanessa stares at him and her brow scrunches up as she stares at him.
“Today I went out of our hotel and you know all of the fans out there? Rabid I tell you. They went and did the usual screaming shit and I walked right into the crowd. Right into the center of it. They started screaming and pulling my hair out and my clothes. I just stood there too; well I stood until they knocked me down. The bodyguards eventually noticed I was gone and came and found me. They pulled me out and back into the hotel. I have scratches all over my chest and back. My clothes were all torn up and they asked me what happened. I told them I just was trying to go out and sign a few autographs and they swarmed me, but I let them do it to me. I let them because I don’t care anymore. I honestly don’t care about my well being anymore.”
That was the last Nick said on the tape before the video ended and the scene was cut off.
The four of the guys stare at the screen as it fills with static and turns to all blue eventually.
“I am more afraid then ever,” AJ mutters.
“Yeah,” Howie says, “ It just hits you how bad it really was when he is talking about himself to someone.”
Brian shakes his head and sighs, “Maybe I should just leave him alone.”
“You’ve come this far,” Kevin says, “You do what you think is right and we’ll be there to help you no matter what,” he says putting his arm around Brian’s small frame.
“Yeah,” AJ and Howie nod.
“Thanks guys,” Brian says, “cause I’m really gonna need your help through this whole thing, “I am going to need it more then you can ever imagine.”
