March 1, 2002
I wonder if it is healthy to hate your own life as much as I do. Hell I wonder if it’s healthy that I live the life I do. I think both of those are answered by no. The day is getting closer and closer and the sad thing I am getting extremely anxious to leave. By anxious I am talking about being annoyingly happy like Britney Spears annoyingly happy. If I start to say awww that’s so sweet more then five times in ten minutes someone please smack me…hard.
I think AJ is still really worried about me. He is getting on my case now about getting some meds or something. I think if I get meds then Kevin will be checking each day counting the pills to make sure I took them. More quality time with Kevin, yay hold me back.
I’ve been taking AJ’s black nail polish lately and painting my fingernails. He doesn’t care, but I’ve been getting looks from everyone else around here. I think the hair was bad enough and now I’m starting to wear the nail polish too. I haven’t been wearing all black though I think Kevin is expecting that to come next now.
Oh yeah AJ saw my bracelet today. I think it really freaked him out when I told him what it was for. Oh course it’s the truth. I mean why else would a person make a bracelet out of razor blades? I told him that I wore it because it made me feel in control of things. It made me feel stronger and in control of things. I mean at minute I could just take it off and end it all. Just like that and it would all be over. AJ actually got pale when I told him. I mean the color actually drained from his face and he just stared at me. I know he hasn’t told anyone yet because no one has said anything to me yet not even Brian. I guess AJ can keep his mouth shut sometimes.
Hey AJ if you ever read this you were right “Rebel Yell” and “Cradle of Love” are two of the greatest songs ever.
“Rock the cradle of love….”
Brian looks across Kevin’s back yard, as AJ runs around jumping up and down like an idiot while mouthing the words to Billy Idol’s “Rebel Yell” that was playing in his ears from his disc man. Brian thought he was dangerously close to the pool a few times, but he backed up all the times.
Brian shakes his head and turns around to walk back inside Kevin’s house to the living room where Kevin and Howie are sitting watching some of the video camera tapes that JC had given them.
“Hey,” Brian says walking up and sitting down on the couch.
“Hey,” Howie and Kevin both say.
Brian looks at the TV screen as Nick walks by the hidden camera taking a drag off a joint before walking past the camera again as Justin stumbles in hitting his hip on a table and falling to the ground in a fit of laughter. Justin stays on the ground and pulls a mirror out of his pocket.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Justin asks sniffing a little and pulling out a small bag of white powder from his pocket.
“Nothing,” Nick snaps looking down at him before sitting on the floor next to him.
“Fine,” Justin says dumping out some powder onto the mirror, “Let me see your bracelet.”
“Here,” Nick says pulling it off and handing it to him, “Where’s Ness?”
“Dunno,” Justin says taking the bracelet and dividing the powder into lines with one of the blades, “She’s mad at me,” he says handing Nick back his bracelet.
“Why?”
“A bunch of shit,” Justin says pulling a dollar bill out of his pocket and rolling it up, “Want some?”
“Nah.”
“Alright,” Justin says and bends down to sniff the first line rubbing his nose after he does it.
“Don’t you worry about overdosing?”
“Who gives a fuck,” Justin says waving his hand, “No one really cares if I die. Well maybe Ness, but she’s mad at me now so yeah no one would. What’s with the shirt?” Justin asks nodding to Nick’s long sleeve shirt, “It’s like fucking ninety five degrees outside.”
“I haven’t gone outside in a long time.”
“Righttttt,” Justin says.
“Alright fine,” Nick says pulling up his right sleeve to show Justin a series of thin cuts up and down his arm, “It’s on both,” he says pulling up the left sleeve as well.
“When did you go psycho boy?” Justin asks staring.
“A long time ago,” Nick says as screen goes fuzzy and a picture appears again on the screen, but from the next day.
Justin is lying on the ground in front of the camera eyes shut with an empty bottle of beer in one hand. Nick walks in and stares down at him.
“Justin,” Nick says kicking him, “Justin. Justin wake up,” Nick says pulling Justin’s upper body up and smacking his face lightly a few times, “Oh fuck,” Nick says dropping Justin’s body as the rest of it falls to the ground, “Fuck!” he says and runs out from the camera shot for a few minutes then comes back pulling Ness along with him, ‘I found him like that,” Nick says pointing to Justin’s body.
“Jesus,” she mutters and grabs a small trashcan dragging it over to in front of his body, “Pick him up,” she says running out of the shot.
“Wonderful you and your dumb ass ideas,” Nick says picking up Justin, “What now?”
“Hold his head over the trash can!”
“Hold his head over the trash can?” Nick says holding up Justin’s upper body and makes sure his head is hanging over the trash can, “Now what?”
“Hold him still,” she says coming back into the shot.
“What were you doing?”
“Washing my hands.”
Nick stares at her.
“It wasn’t the drugs he took some pills. This is the third time he’s done this. He does it every time we get into a fight,” she says kneeling down in front of Justin and pulling out a small tube from a bag, “Hold him perfectly still.”
“Ok,” Nick says looking around Justin’s body at her.
“C’mon Justin sweetie spit it up,” she says pushing the tube down his throat and sticking the end of her hand in his mouth before he starts gagging and bites down on her hand, “Mother fucker!” she yells pulling her hand out as Justin starts throwing up in the trash can, “He bites so fucking hard,” she yells holding her hand, “Bring him into the bathroom I need to clean him up,” she says walking out f the shot.
“Is he gonna be ok?”
“Yeah.”
“Should we take him to a hospital?”
“Yeah right his manager would flip shit if he knew this happened. C’mon bring him in here.”
“Ok,” Nick sighs dragging Justin’s body out of the shot, “And I thought I was the psycho one,” he mutters before he is out of the shot.
“I don’t know if I should be proud of him or worried,” Kevin says as the video ends and begins to rewind by itself.
“Take your pick I’m guessing both,” Howie says.
“He started cutting up his arms later I guess,” Brian says as Kevin gets up and pops in another video taking the other one out, “So what have you guys seen?”
“Not much,” Howie says, “What you saw was about the worst of it.”
“Yeah the other hour can basically be classified as porno,” Kevin says sitting back down on the couch and hitting play on the remote, “That’s why we’re glad AJ wasn’t in here.”
“He’s outside dancing around to Billy Idol,” Brian says as the screen fills with Nick, Justin and Ness.
Justin and Ness are lying on the couch making out heavily with Justin on top as Nick is sitting on the floor at the end of the couch. Nick looks up at them and rolls his eyes before fishing into his pocket and pulling out a lighter. He lights it up and stares at the flame then back over his shoulder at Justin and Ness. He turns back around when he sees that they aren’t paying attention to him and focuses his attention on the flame once more. Nick raises his right hand over the flame palm down and holds it there as the flame licks the bottom of his hand. His face scrunches up and you could tell he was starting to feel pain.
“What the hell are you doing?!” Ness yells looking over at Nick from under Justin and Justin turns to look at him.
Nick clicks the lighter off and looks at her.
“Give me the lighter,” Ness says holding her hand out to Nick as Justin smirks at him, “Justin get up,” she says pushing on his chest as his smirk quickly vanishes and he reluctantly gets up, “Nick give me it,” she says walking over to him and holding out her hand, “And I swear if you even think about burning me with it I will kill you.”
“Is that so bad,” Nick says handing the lighter to her and leaning against the couch with his back.
Ness walks over to the balcony, opens the door and throws the lighter out.
“I can just get another,” Nick says looking at her as she walks back around.
“Then I’ll take that one too. Let me see your hand,” she says and Nick opens his hand to show her the burn, “I swear between you and Justin I feel like I should be a fucking warden in a psychiatric ward,” she says walking out of the shot and back into the shot carrying a first aid kit.
“At least you get laid from me,” Justin says as she kneels in front of Nick.
“Justin, be quiet,” she snaps and Justin pouts before turning around and grabbing the remote off of the coffee table and turning on the TV, “I swear the two of you are made for each other,” she says and cleans Nick’s cut then bandages it.
Justin glares at Nick before focusing his attention on the TV again as the screen goes fuzzy again.
“He told me he did that goofing off on his skateboard,” Kevin says.
“Same here,” Brian says.
“Yeah,” Howie says.
“He told me he did it,” AJ says from leaning against the doorframe looking in, his headphones hanging around his neck, “I don’t know why he told me, but he did,” he says walking in the room the rest of the way and collapsing into a chair.
“Well why the hell didn’t you tell us?” Kevin asks.
“Would you have even believed me?” AJ asks, “I mean even if you did you wouldn’t check it out.”
“Why didn’t you tell us about the bracelet?” Brian asks.
“That freaked me out Brian. I mean it seriously scarred me and I thought if he would do that to himself what is there to stop him from doing that to me. I sleep just like all you do and I don’t want to risk him coming in and cutting me up while I sleep. I was fucking terrified of him towards the end of it. I thought if I kept my mouth shut he wouldn’t hurt me.”
“You were that worried about him?” Howie asks.
“Listen guys Nick told me things that no one would ever want to know he did. The shit terrified me. Did you know he had tattoos on his back near the small of it that said Love and Pain? He wanted to get them on his wrists, but I managed to talk him out of that. God not even I would get tattoos there that would kill. He wanted to get his tongue pierced too, but I talked him out of that one because I told him he wouldn’t be able to talk let alone sing for a good amount of time. Did you know he knew how to make bombs?” AJ says as the others stare at him wide eyed, “Yeah that’s right bombs. He found out some how and he took me out one day to an open field and started to blow it up. Not big explosions, but he said he could make bigger ones if he wanted to. Scarred the shit out of me I’m telling you. Trust me I would trade spots with any of you those last few days. I would rather of not known the stuff I did and felt safe then know and be scarred.”
“What did he write the last day?” Howie asks Brian.
“I don’t know I’m not there yet,” Brian says.
“Getting close?” Howie asks.
“Yeah, he said he was actually anxious. He said he was the kind of anxious that makes you happy and if he started to sound like Britney someone should smack him…hard.”
“I would of hit him even if he hadn’t of told me to if he started to sound like that,” AJ mutters, “Hit me baby. Hit me baby,” he says hitting himself outside of his head.
“So do you think he’s better now?” Brian asks.
“I dunno,” Kevin sighs.
“Hopefully he is I mean if Timberlake can get better so can he,” AJ says, “Why?”
“I dunno I was just wondering. I just hope he’s happy wherever he is. Dead or alive I just want him to be happy,” Brian sighs.
Kevin stares at Brian that was the first time he had ever mentioned Nick and dead in the same sentence.
