March 4, 2002
I don’t think that I can wait much longer. I need out of here and out of here FAST. I love the guys like brothers, but even brothers get on your nerves at times. Brian’s relaxed lately and we’ve just been hanging out doing normal stuff that we did when we first started out. We’ve been playing video games and shooting hoops on our off time and AJ and I have been getting into a lot of trouble lately. I don’t think I realized how much I missed the old Alex being around. I still think I should be able to beat the shit out of anyone that insults him about the whole rehab thing, but that’s not AJ’s thing. I honestly don’t see how he can let so much roll off his back so easily. I think it hurts me more then it hurts him. I think my emotions are getting to me now. I’m all touchy feely and shit.
Damn Justin put the fear of God back into me last night. He almost killed himself after he took a whole bottle of pills with beer. Ness ended up getting them back out of him with my help. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a dead person, but Justin looked like one. I saw him walking around today with the rest of NSYNC like nothing happened. I seriously think Justin is more far gone then me now. When a person gets that suicidal you know they have lost it.
I was watching TV today up in my room and I was just flipping through the channels. E! and VH1 are right after each other here and E! had on E! True Hollywood Story while VH1 had on Behind the Music. I swear that is where BSB are going to end up. Hell we could be one now. A fairy tale with out the happy ending, yup that’s me. I’m one step closer to the edge every day and I am about to break I swear.
My new favorite band is Linkin Park. I think I actually found a song that truly shows how I feel.
It starts with one thing. I don't know why. It doesn't even matter. How hard you try. Keep that in mind. I designed this rhyme. To explain in due time. All I know. Time is a valuable thing. Watch it fly by. As the pendulum swings. Watch it count down. To the end of the day. The clock ticks life away. It's so unreal. Didn't look out below. Watch the time go. Right out the window. Trying to hold on, but didn't even know. Wasted it all just. To watch you go. I kept everything inside and. Even though I tried, it all fell apart. What it meant to me will. Eventually be a. Memory of a time when I tried so hard. And got so far. But in the end. It doesn't even matter. I had to fall. To lose it all. But in the end. It doesn't even matter. One thing, I don't know why. It doesn’t even matter. How hard you try, Keep that in mind. I designed this rhyme, to explain in due time. I tried so hard. In spite of the way. You were mocking me. Acting like I was part of your property. Remembering all the times you fought with me. I'm surprised it got so (far). Things aren't the way. They were before. You wouldn't even. Recognize me anymore. Not that you. Knew me back then. But it all comes. Back to me (in the end). You kept everything inside. And even though I tried, it all fell apart. What it meant to me will. Eventually be a memory of a time when I. I tried so hard. And got so far. But in the end. It doesn't even matter. I had to fall. To lose it all. But in the end. It doesn't even matter. I’ve put my trust in you Pushed as far as I can go and for all this. There's only one thing you should know. I tried so hard. And got so far. But in the end. It doesn't even matter. I had to fall. To lose it all. But in the end. It doesn’t even matter. I tried so hard. And got so far. But in the end. It doesn't even matter. I had to fall. To lose it all. But in the end. It doesn't even matter.
AJ once told me that when it’s dark enough you could see the stars. Yeah, more of AJ’s poetry shit. Well it’s dark enough in my world, but I don’t see any stars yet. Except for me that is. I’m the shooting star. The one everyone wishes on and wants to have, but falls and dies out. I think people need to realize that there are brighter stars out there now that are going to be there for a few more years and they should try to get them instead.
Ladies and Gentlemen: the shooting star.
Brian stares at the TV screen as AJ flips through the channels so fast that he can’t really make out the programs. He thinks he saw a nature show a few channels back of course it could have been Barney for all he knew because that was how fast AJ was going. AJ stops on channel 40 and puts the remote down as the beginning to a program flashes across the screen.
~In a world surrounded lights and cameras the Backstreet Boys came out of Florida to become one of the biggest pop acts in history, but not every story has a happy ending. After ten years of working together and pleasing millions across the world the pop world was rocked to its core when the sudden disappearance of Nick Carter was released. Deception. Scandal. Tragedy. This is the E! True Hollywood Story: Backstreet Boys~
AJ frowns and quickly changes the channel.
“They make one for us, but not Michael Jackson,” he mutters as he turns on Cartoon Network and Dexter’s Laboratory comes on.
“They made one for the Jacksons,” Howie says walking in and sitting down on the couch as well.
“Yeah, well the Jacksons are scary,” AJ says, “Well except for Janet,” he says as he turns on the TV guide channel, “Oh Alive is on,” he says quickly changing the channel before Brian could protest. Something about that movie always seemed disturbing to him.
“Where’s Kev?” Howie asks.
AJ shrugs.
“Meditating,” Brian says.
“I say we buy him a Zen garden,” AJ says staring at the TV at the same time.
“I think he needs a little more then a Zen garden,” Howie says as Brian nods along with him.
“Why did Nick trust you so much?” Brian asks AJ as AJ turns his head to look at him.
“I honestly don’t know. Maybe because I went through all that shit and rehab. I don’t know Bri,” AJ says and shrugs, “It’s not like I asked to be told all that stuff. Listen Brian I know how you hate being left out about things especially with Nick, but he did what he wanted to do. He wasn’t exactly in the right frame of mind all the times he told me these things you have to remember that. Kevin doesn’t trust me does he?”
“Huh?”
“He got rid of all the alcohol in the house.”
Howie and Brian look at each other then back at AJ.
“You don’t have to say it I know,” AJ says, “I don’t trust myself that much either.”
March 5,2002
One more day. One more day and I’m outta here. I can’t believe that I am going to be free two days from now. All of it gone and I’m glad. I’m damn glad.
I was with Justin and Ness earlier tonight that was until they both pissed me off. Justin through one of his damn tantrums while he was high and I ended up getting pissed off at him after he proceeded to tell me I wasn’t going to go anywhere and would never get out of the business. I ended up getting into a fistfight with him until Ness ended up jumping on my back trying to pull me off of him. I think I honestly have tunnel vision. I was so set on beating the shit out of Justin I just kind of through her off into a wall. She hit it hard too and I knocked her out cold. I didn’t mean to do it though, I swear. Justin and I both stopped fighting and just stared at her slumped over on the floor for a few seconds before he panicked and ran over to her. I sat there for a good three hours watching TV until she finally came too. Damn was she pissed at me. She started yelling at me and hitting me. She didn’t hurt me though, so I just sat there and took it I figured I deserved it for what I did to her. I left after that. Ok so maybe they were more pissed at me then I was at them, but hell I don’t care right now.
The guys are beginning to lay off me now too. They think I’m getting better because I’m acting happier. If only they knew the real reason was because I know something they don’t. After I got back from spending time with Justin and Ness I just sat in my room on my bed and cried. I cried for everything that I am going to put the guys through after I go through with this. I cried for everything I am going to put the fans through. I cried for my family and what was going to happen to them. I cried for myself too. I cried because I let myself get this far before finally getting out. I cried because I was going to start out in a place where I know no one else and I am never going to see the people I love again.
I never thought I would cry over this, but I did and I swear to God that I will over this shit
Kevin stares at Brian who was once again sitting on the floor by the fire staring at the flames. AJ was sitting on the couch with him again stretched out staring up at the ceiling as Howie sits in the chair.
“I always wanted to know when it started,” Brian says still looking at the flames.
“Huh?” Kevin asks.
“When did Nick start to lose it? When did he realize he was getting like this?”
“God only knows,” AJ says.
“Maybe he was always like it,” Howie says, “Just not as much. Maybe he always had this in him.”
“You know they say that sometimes perfectionism can drive a person to do things,” Kevin says.
“Oh please,” AJ says, “They said I had that too after my problem.”
“You do have it,” Brian says as AJ stares at him, “You might not want to have everything be perfect, but you always want everything to happen perfectly. A show, a song, a performance, an interview and they did except it was never good enough.”
AJ stares at them all and frowns, “Maybe I am one though, but how could Nick be one?”
“I’m not sure,” Brian says.
“Only Nick knows himself like that,” Howie says, “Towards the end I don’t even think it was Nick. It was some form of Nick, but it wasn’t Nicky.”
“At least he was happy his last days with us,” Brian says.
“Now that. That was Nick,” AJ says, “That was the old Nicky. It still makes me laugh watching all those old videos of our interviews where he said stupid shit. Like the time he kept saying documentary instead of documentary.”
Brian smiles and looks back at them, “or the time he said my hand dumbass to Howie.”
“Hey,” Howie says.
“Yeah, ya see that was when the real Nick showed through,” Kevin says.
“Even though he was pretty stupid at times,” Brian smiles.
“Hey Bri,” AJ says.
“Yeah.”
“Are you finished reading the journal?”
“Yeah, all of it.”
“How is he in the end?”
“Happy, sad, angry, all of them at the same time I think. He just had so much stuff running through his head at the same time. He was so lost.”
“You think he made it wherever he wanted to be?”
“I dunno,” Brian shrugs.
“I think he did,” Kevin says, “Nick can accomplish things when he puts his head to it.”
“What do you think?” AJ asks Brian.
“I think he made it. I hope he did.”
“He had to,” Howie says, “Nick’s too bull headed to die.”
“True,” AJ says.
“What do you thin?” Brian asks AJ.
“I think Nick is happy wherever he is,” AJ sighs, “Dead. Alive. Whatever. He’s happy and that is all that matters to me.”
The others nod in agreement.
“So what does the last entry sound like?” Howie asks.
“It only says one thing,” Brian says picking up the journal and flipping to the last entry.
March 6, 2002
I wanna runaway,
Never say good-bye,
I wanna know the truth,
Instead of wondering why,
I wanna know the answers,
No more lies,
I wanna shut the door,
And open up my mind.
I love you guys.
