January 28, 2002
It’s my birthday today. Wow, great what fun. The guys wanted to throw me a party, so I humored them and let me. I walked around and for a few minutes I actually had fun. Then “they” came. “They” never seem to want to talk to me “they” always want to talk to Nick Carter. “They” want to do Nick Carter, not me. I hate fucking groupies. I am going to be the only person in history to probably tell you that too. Groupies, or as me and AJ have affectionately dubbed them the star fuckers, are always around me. I hate it to. They have to be the fakest people ever. Oh I love your band and your music, blah blah blah. Yeah well sing me five songs then. Oh wait are you going to go on the internet and tell about how good “friends” we are and how I trusted you with this valuable information. Yeah, right sureee. If I can remember your FULL name including last in a month then maybe we are friends. After they started swarming all over me I left my own party. How sad is that?
So here’s the question of the day where am I writing from this time? I’m in my own hotel room for once. I’m just sitting on a couch and writing this. Justin stopped by with Ness today and he gave me a few more joints in exchange for the use of my bedroom. They’re in there now. God only knows what’s going on. Oh yeah wanna know why he wanted to use my room? Britney is in his room.
Anyway I was listening to my CDs again and Blink 182’s “Enema of the State” especially. “Adam’s Song” is my song.
I never though I’d die alone. I laughed the loudest who’d have known? I traced the cord back to the wall. No wonder it was never plugged in at all. I took my time, I hurried up. The choice was mine I didn’t think enough. I’m too depressed to go on. You’ll be sorry when I’m gone. I never conquered, rarely came. Sixteen just held such better days. Days when I still felt alive. We couldn’t wait to get outside. The world was wide, too late to try. The tour was over I’d survived. I couldn’t wait to get home. To pass the time in my room alone. I never thought I’d die alone. Another six months I’ll be unknown. Give all my things to all my friends. You’ll never set foot in my room again. You’ll close it up, board it up. Remember that time I spilled the cup of apple juice in the hall. Please tell mom this is not her fault. I never conquered, rarely came. But tomorrow holds such better days. Days when I can still felt alive. When I can’t wait to get outside. The world was wide, the time goes by. The tour is over, I’ve survived. I can’t wait till I get home to pass the time in my room alone.
That’s exactly how I feel right now. The second verse especially, aside from not blaming my mother. She caused a brunt of it. The last chorus though, that is how I feel when I get out of here. When I get out of this life that’s how I’ll feel. I know someone killed himself and put this song on repeat before. I think I’ll just write it out and leave it for the guys though. I just think they need to listen to it. Maybe they’ll understand. Maybe.
Another six months I’ll be unknown.
Brian stares down at the last few words Nick had written. He had read the entry four times now, the lyrics eight. He had listened to the song twice and both times when the piano came in he had broken down and cried. AJ was sitting next to him and all he could do was stare. Brian slipped off the headphones finally and turns to smile slightly at AJ as he wipes away the last few tears.
They were all at Kevin’s again and they were analyzing every little thing that was in the box. Kevin was sitting on the floor surrounded by the magazines Nick had left in them. They were all travel magazines and Kevin said it only broadened the places Nick could be instead of zeroing in on a place. AJ was sitting next to Brian flipping through the photo albums listening to some of the CDs Nick had left bouncing his head along. The Virgin Suicides was playing on the TV on the wall, since none of them had seen it and they wanted to know what it’s point was. Sure enough true to his word Nick had left the lyrics to “Adam’s Song” for them to read. After they cleaned the dust off the box they found them. They were carved into the sides of the box with a knife. For some reason that sent shivers up and down Brian’s back more then anything.
They had photocopied all of Nick’s letters he had written and mailed them to everyone he addressed them to. They didn’t read any of them besides Justin’s and Nick’s letters to his family members seemed to be the longest out of all of them. The one he had written to Aaron was three pages long.
“This is a pointless movie,” Howie says looking at the TV screen.
“Why do you say that?” Kevin asks.
“I just don’t see a point to it.”
“A lot of good stories don’t have points,” AJ says taking off his headphones, “Maybe he wanted us to see something in it.”
“Like what?” Brian asks. They all had came to realize that AJ seemed to have gotten a sense for finding meanings in things Nick had left them.
“If any of you had paid attention to the movie you would understand.”
“Ok inform us,” Kevin says, “So you saw this before?”
“Yeah, me and Nick watched it,” he says sighing, “He really seemed to like it. It kind of freaked me out though.”
“What’s the point then,” Howie asks.
“I was getting to that. The sisters feel imprisoned in their own house. Their own surroundings are driving them insane. Nick’s surroundings were driving him insane. They had no way out. He had no way out. They killed themselves to get out. He ran away. They saw no other way to getting out of their lives, so they ended them and in a sense he ended his. He ended Nick Carter from the Backstreet Boys. He could be out there posing as a Francis or something serving coffee at Starbucks, but he got out and that is all that matters to him. Understand?”
“Strangely enough yes,” Kevin says staking all of the magazines up again.
“And the music?” Howie asks.
“Ok,” AJ says taking a breath, “Most of them are old punk rock acts the Sex Pistols, the Clash and band like that. They sung about anarchy and the typical punk belief that they were going nowhere might as well live their life. Nick went to live his. The Blink 182 CD has been explained to us on the sides of the trunk. Nirvana, all I have to say is Kurt Cobain and his out look on life. The rest of them have specific songs highlighted and they explain themselves. He felt alone and the songs say how he felt.”
“When did you get so smart?” Kevin stares at AJ.
“I have a lot of free time in the off season, so I watch a lot of TV shows. I just think I know what I am talking about.”
Brian smiles and shakes his head. Yeah that was their AJ.
“This is the thing though. You guys ever hear the song “Colorblind”?”
Three pairs of eyes stare at him.
“Ok that is a know. It’s by the Counting Crows. Nick has a burned CD I was listening to and all it goes is repeat that song about ten times.”
“What’s it saying?” Brian asks.
“It’s really hard to explain. You need to listen to it on your own.”
“How’s the journal sound, Bri?” Kev asks.
Since they had gotten back they had decided it was better if someone read the whole journal and then told them all how bad it was going. Brian read them the exert from Nick’s birthday earlier that day and the rest was only getting worse.
“Not good,” Brian sighs flipping open the journal, “He just seems so lost and alone when he writes. Listen to this”
January 31, 2002
I HATE TOURING! Thank God we have our own buses or else God only knows what I would be doing to the others in their sleep. We get a break for a few days now and I don’t know if this is a good or bad thing. Yes, I am happy to get off touring, but what am I going home to? I’m going home to nothing and no one. My head has been hurting really badly for some reason and I can’t get it to stop. I tried every kind of painkiller and none worked. Ness said it was stress probably, the bitch knows everything I’m telling you. Maybe I can get her to leave Justin for me.
I talk to her a lot now when her and Justin come over. She tried to kill herself before did I say that earlier. She slit her wrists and now she has scars across them. I asked her if it hurt and she just nodded. I wonder how bad it would hurt if I tried it, but that would make a mess and I don’t want to die like that either. She used to cut herself too. I asked her where she did it and she only said she would tell me if I showed her my legs. She knows I cut and burn myself now. I showed her and she just sat there staring at my leg. I can picture how bad it looks to others too. I have cigarette burns all up and down them and little slits that I do with a pocketknife I have. She told me they’ll scare and I said I don’t give a flying fuck. She showed me where she used to put hers then. She used to put them on her upper thigh where you can’t see them and below her belly button where her underwear covers. No one would check there if I did it there, but I don’t think I can cut myself on my stomach. She has scars on her arms too. She used to do heroine even though she claims to have stopped. I can still picture her shooting up with Justin though. Maybe I should let him be Sid Vicious instead of me.
She’s weird though, but nice. I kissed her earlier today while Justin was passed out and she just sat there like a statue staring straight a head. She just sat there and didn’t move. She reminds me of me. I know it’s weird, but that’s how I act when girls kiss me and I don’t want them to. I’m just not into the whole heroine thing. I took out my pocketknife after I kissed her and opened it. She just stared at it and didn’t say anything. I asked her if she trusted me with it and she didn’t respond. I rolled up my pant leg and made a small cut. All she did was stare down at me doing it and then look back up at me. I didn’t know what I was doing next. I just took the knife and cut her down her arm. She made this squealing sound then backed up from me. That’s when I saw Justin pop his head up from the floor. I guess he wasn’t as knocked out as I thought he was. He can punch really hard when he wants to. He punched me in the face and I got a bloody nose and kept coming at me. He eventually got the knife out at my hand and was about to stab me with it when Ness pulled him off of me. She dragged him into the bathroom to clean him up and they’re still in there now. He would have killed me and I know it. He was so high and so mad he would of done it without thinking twice. And to be honest I wasn’t scared not even for a moment.
The blood is still on me and I haven’t bothered to wash it off yet. I wonder if he’ll remember it tomorrow? And if he does will he go out me again? Note to self: buy a gun next time maybe he’ll get a lucky shot off.
“He cut her,” AJ asks as Brian stops reading and Brian can only nod in response.
“I bet ya Timberlake doesn’t remember that either,” Howie says.
“I remember that,” Kevin says.
“Huh?” Brian asks.
“I saw Nick walk on his bus the next morning with this dried brown stuff on his face. It must have been the blood. He must have cleaned himself up on the bus before any of us saw him. I didn’t even think to ask him about it later.”
“He kept it on the whole night?” AJ stares at Kevin.
“I guess so.”
“Why would he cut her?” Howie asks.
“He wanted her,” Brian says, “Even though he doesn’t come right out and say it he wanted her and she didn’t want him. When he made his move she didn’t respond in the slightest and that probably hurt him a lot. He did the only think he knew to take away the pain. He cut himself. He cut her though because she was probably close enough to him.”
“He wanted to hurt us too,” Kevin says, “I woke up one night and Nick was staring down at me. He was just staring at me. He said he wanted to know if I wanted to go out. It was two in the morning. I said no and he left then. It freaked me out and I stayed up the whole rest of the night after he left. I was scared of him guys. I was actually scared of him and I didn’t know why.”
“He’s probably done it to all of us and we just don’t know,” AJ says.
“Probably,” Brian sighs.
“That was toward the end too,” Howie adds, “If it was the thirty first he only spent thirty eight more days with us.”
“No,” AJ says, “In those last few days that wasn’t Nick. It wasn’t him at all except for maybe the last day.”
“Yeah, the last day that was Nick,” Kevin says.
“You think he knows what he did to everyone when he left,” Brian asks.
“Yes,” Howie says, “He knows, but he hasn’t done anything to fix it yet.”
“Yet?” AJ asks.
“I hope he’ll fix this,” Howie says.
“He was going through his own private hell,” Kevin says, “and he just wanted to get out, so he got. No matter what he had to do he got out.”
“He was wrong though,” Brian adds, “Six months later and he’s more well known then he was before.”
“Not for good reasons though,” AJ sighs.
“I never conquered, rarely came. Sixteen just held such better days. Days when I still felt alive. We couldn’t wait to get outside. The world was wide, too late to try. The tour was over I’d survived. I couldn’t wait to get home. To pass the time in my room alone.”
