Road Crazies

We know about Road Rage, and Ragers. But it's time we coin a new term for those who drive insanely without even being angry. Let's call them Road Crazies. Crazies may be running late, consistently insecure, always feeling behind the eight ball, usually impatient, and frequently oblivious to all the near accidents they create. I'm no psychologist, but if Road Crazy has not yet made it into the DSM (the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders), it's time it was added, right alongside the disorders for sociopaths and serial killers.

Or better yet, we should legally recognize them as domestic terrorists. What is the Department of Homeland Security doing about traffic deaths (frequently the result of attack from the Road Crazies), which outnumber war deaths?

Road Crazy Exhibit #1:The other day I and another car were stopped at a red light just off a major highway. Fortunately, the road was wide and there was a space the size of a car width between me and the stopped car to my left. A car traveling about 50 miles an hour on this 30 mph speed limit road flew through the red light and made a sharp right-hand turn in front of me. I looked in my mirror and saw the two people in the car behind me gesturing and gawking in apparent disbelief at this outrageous move.

Road Crazies like to weave in and out of highway traffic at high speed at all hours of the day and night. They gun it to 90 or 100 mph when the speed limit is 55 and most citizens are driving a respectable 10 miles over the speed limit.

Road Crazy Exhibit #2: Yesterday morning a car traveling 70 mph in the lane to my right pulled up (to merge, I thought) and made a 90 degree left turn barely a foot in front of me to cross three lanes of rush hour traffic before righting itself and rejoining the flow of traffic. My guardian angel was working overtime.

Road Crazies like to cut in front of you close enough to buff your front bumper. They tailgate close enough to squeejee your rear window. Sometimes they run in packs, chasing one another down the highway, seeing who can reach death first.

In my neighborhood, the Road Crazies drive like NASCAR wannabes, without the finesse and common sense. Many of their mufflers are modified so the roar of their engines pierces both day and night. I had expected to see teenagers behind the wheels, but find that middle-aged men are just as likely to be living their racing fantasies.

Road Crazies ought to be locked up and de-licensed. If the criteria is being a danger to themselves or others, there should be a special citizen commitment process to hold them for 48 to 72 hours while their cars are being impounded.

I don't know if aversion therapy or punitive treatment works, but I do have some ideas on how it could be applied to Road Crazies.

The medical community and law enforcement officers could join forces in this educational effort. It would be a new kind of driving school. The Road Crazy could be strapped to the hood of a car, his feet (90% of the crazies I've observed are male) resting on the front bumper. He would watch as a semi-opaque blindfold is being put on the driver of his car (unknown to him, it would be see-through). The blindfold would add the spice of anxiety and concern about unpredictable behavior experienced by drivers who have to cope with Road Crazies. The Road Crazy (who we know is probably not really crazy-just acting that way) would be sentenced to one week of being driven through the highways and streets he frequented as his fellow Crazies cozied up to his car.

All right. I know violence shouldn't lead to more violence. Let's just find a way to get these Road Crazies off the road.