Chapter two: Barracuda

*Andrew*

You expect me to tell you about myself, right? Why should I? It’s not you care anyway. But if you insist, I’ll do tell you. I don’t deal well with people, especially women. Most of the girls I’ve dated were rich, hot, preppy, social butterflies. You would think that would be every man’s fantasy. Ha! Bull shit! I fucking hate them. I know what you’re thinking. Why date them then? Simple. When you date a social light, you hear more dirt and gossip than you do when you are on the outside. It may seem cruel, but it works. Call me what you like, but I’ll do what I like!

I am not good with break ups. My exes are all stuck-up, whiny, bitchy, little airheads who need to be slapped around. Most guys think about sex every six seconds, I think about killing my exes at that time frame. I can give you a list if you so fucking desire. So here we go.

My first girlfriend was named Melissa Gomez. We were thirteen when we met and dated. She was a cheerleader with a, shall I say, “gifted” body. But she talked too damn MUCH!!! I thought about straggling her constantly. I don’t know why I didn’t do so. But it ended in seven weeks. Thank god for that!!!

Then there was Molly Anderson. She too had a “gifted” body and she was class president. But I wanted to slap her around too. She was too much of a nature freak! Molly made me go on picnic and hiking with her every Saturday. I HATED it!!! All she talked about was saving the environment and how nature was important to the human race. I would usually tune her out and think about ways to kill her in the woods and hide the body. One day, I even wanted to push the bitch off of a cliff when we get lost and it was raining. But I kept my manner and reframed from doing so with joy. I don’t why. We broke up before summer got here.

Around that time, I met Shannon Lewis. She was Latina and had a “gifted” body as well. (Do you see a pattern yet?) This relationship seemed perfect on the outside. But she was a drama goddess! She cried all of the time. All I ever heard from Shannon was whining!!!! I wanted to smash her pathetic head to a brick wall repeatedly! We broke up seventeen weeks later.

I went through Tawny Wilson, Tina Fay, Jessica Williams, Serena New, and Brandy James. I loathed them completely and wanted to kill them in the most violently ways. I had developed a love ‘em and leave ‘em reputation because of these sluts. I even heard that I was a father two aborted babies. I didn’t care; I just kept dating and sleeping with them. And then, I met Heather Grier. She wasn’t like those obnoxious little popular bitches I had previous dated. She was one of those girls who started out like a little geek girl and then evolved into a vixen. She was smart, beautiful, generous, selfless, and well organized with her life. Heather found some tenderness I never knew I had. We were perfectly in love. Give me a minute. Ooooo!

If you were so much in love, they why aren’t you together anymore? To tell you the truth, I don’t know. Her grandpa died one day, we got into a fight after the funeral, and the next thing I knew, she deserted me and I was alone.