Dead or Alive

8/1/10

Dear Diary:

I have to go see my family today. I dread that sentence so much. I know what you’re thinking. How can you dread visiting your family so much? They are all nuts! How nuts are they? Look up dysfunctional family; you’ll see a picture of the whole Hudson clan right next to it. Oh yeah, we’re that bad! Let me break it down to all of you piece by piece. But first, allow me to introduce myself.

My name is Daryl Emma Hudson. I live all the way out in Tokyo, Japan. I am twenty-eight years old. I am a lesbian, but my family doesn’t know it. (Probably good to hide in the closet from them for the time being. Yeah, it’s that bad!) I’m single, but still looking. I’m a screenwriter. In fact, I’m working on a movie in Shanghai, China. I was hand-picked by a top Chinese director there. I thought my guild had played a prank on me. But no, it’s real. I can’t believe it! I’m actually going to write the script for a film in China! *Squeals in delight* I need a moment. *Short pause* Okay, done! Now back to my family. *Shutters*

My mother is named Charlotte Hudson. She drinks enough to drown out the whole ocean. I’m not joking. Mom is a straight up alcoholic. Her recipes include one part gin and three parts tonic. Not only that, my mother is crazy! Not the typical kind either. Oh hell no! She could put some of the people in the mental intuition to shame. Her behavior scares me sometimes. The woman is needy, desperate, and out of her mind. She hates my father for obvious reasons I will explain later. My mom tries to hang out with my friends and stay young forever. I mean she tries EVERYTHING! She dresses like a teenage girl with the clothes and make-up. It’s embarrassing beyond belief. My mom looks like an old hooker trying to stay in the game. She also uses the slang of the teens today and she is always using the internet to find men to make my dad jealous. Somebody needs to tell that woman to get help and start acting her age. I would, but she never listens to me!

My father is named Richard Hudson. He is an adulterous lecher. He is always cheating on mom. That man’s been during so since my siblings and I were kids. He and mom constantly fight. My dad goes for younger women in their twenties. He parades his girlfriends around in front of my mother. Because of this, they’re in a trial separation. Neither one of my parents wants to move out of the house. That creates more drama there. Especially since my dad invites his girlfriends over to spend the night at times. I think my mom is trying to kill him now. Plus, that man still tries to treat me like a little girl. I’m twenty-eight and he still makes me watch the parades on his shoulders! On his shoulders! Do you know how embarrassing that is? Many people think that I’m one of his girlfriends when we go out. Ewww!!! One, I’m his daughter and two, I’m gay! In fact, my dad is part of the reason that I am gay!

My sister, Rachel Hudson, is thirty-two years old. She is a skank! Rachel’s even worse than mom! She has had so many boyfriends, it’s not even funny! In fact, my sister lost her virginity when she was fourteen years old. Ever since then, Rachel tries to date anything that has a penis! That woman goes through men like water! In fact, she and mom are always out partying just to pick up dates. They sometimes drag me along just for fun. (I always try to escape unnoticed though.) Her favorite man is named Daichi. His last name escapes me for the moment. He and Rachel have been on and off for years. She’s always trying to get him to marry her. When that plan fails, she always runs after other men. Plus, Rachel always dresses like a trollop. I’m afraid to touch anything that came from her closet and drawers. She and my mom always borrow clothes and make-up from each other. Rachel is another reason why I’m gay.

My brother, Toby Hudson, is thirty-six. That man’s a playboy! He tries to date anything in a skirt. I think he knows I’m gay, because he kinds trying to get me to go cruising for chicks with him. Ewww! No thanks! I want a descent girl, not one of his trashy girls. He and my sister are almost tried in the number of people they have slept with. In fact, Toby and Rachel always brag about their dates to me. I always want to run away screaming. I always feel like I have to wash my ears out afterwards. They don’t have to go into details with me. Seriously, please don’t! I’m already scarred for life because of the whole Hudson clan. I don’t need more mental distress, thank you! Toby and my dad go out to try and pick up women on Saturday nights. It’s so disgusting! My brother is another reason I’m gay.

My younger sister, called Brookey Hudson, is sixteen. She is a spoiled brat! That girl thinks the whole world revolves around her! My parents don’t really help either. They always give her what she wants. All that girl ever does is complain and whine about how rough she has it. I just want to slap her down sometimes. But my parents won’t let me do that. Their excuse? She’s the baby of the family and babies are always so delicate. They need to get their eyes checked. The last time I checked, Brookey wasn’t a baby anymore. She’s in high school for crying out loud! Mom and dad need to let that excuse go already! But, Brookey manages to get away with anything! She’s everything I never was in high school! Straight A’s, really popular in school, many boys wanting to date her, and her future already decided. Hell, the only I had in high school was the dream picked out. But, she’s not going to get them as long as she keeps acting like a spoiled little diva.

My grandmother is named Bernice Hudson. She is a total religious freak! The pope would be proud of her! She practically beats Christianity over the rest of the family’s heads repeatedly. Her neck is drowned in rosary. She has at least five crucifixes in her purse. She screams about scripture verses to us constantly. The woman even makes us read the Bible when she is angry at us. My grandma even splashes holy water on people. My father, Toby, and everyone in my family have been splashed beyond count. It’s rather annoying to tell the truth. But what can I say? That’s how she grew up. She constantly looks down on the rest of the family. However, grandma does look kindly on me sometimes. I hate to see that go away when she finds out I’m a lesbian. *Looks really nervous on that one*

My grandfather is named Patrick Hudson. You know in anime and manga of the dirty old man? That’s my grandpa. He’s always lusting after any hot young thing in a skirt. He, dad, and Toby are always looking for chicks. (Now I know where the lechery comes from!) They all always turn to me for advice to get a date. I don’t know why! I’m not an expert on dating. I can’t even get a date for myself! Anyway, my grandmother hates my grandfather’s perverted ways and always tries to beat the devil out of him. I don’t see why they don’t get a divorce already. My parents are already in trial separation. Maybe my grandparents should do the same thing. Just saying… It wouldn’t hurt…

Now you see why I dread visiting my family while I write my script. *Shutters* I have to stop typing now. My train’s here. Catch you later. See ya!

DEH

Dysfunctional Family