The World is a Ghetto

Nice summer morning. The old biddies lied around, looking at the sky. Muriel glanced at her friends.

“Is there life in places other than here?” she asked. Lewis and the others stared at her.

“What?” Pauline asked. Her friend looked over at her with her cigarette hanging out of her mouth.

“There are nine planets, right?” Muriel asked.

“Yeah…” she said.

“Earth has life on it, right?” the retiree asked.

“Yes…”

Muriel sat up and took another smoke. “So, there has to be other life on other planet, right?”

Pauline blinked at her. She turned to Lewis and Clyde. “Uh… what just happened?” she asked. Lewis only shook her head.

“I’ve learned how to turn her out by now,” she replied. “She always does this, you know?” Pauline nodded reluctantly.

“Yeah…” she mumbled.

“But is there?” Muriel asked again. The other three went silent. Suddenly, they heard someone screaming and falling. The old biddies looked up at the sound. A woman about their age did her best to fight against the high winds. The friends narrowed their eyes at her.

“’Ho ‘hat?” Clyde asked.

“Speak proper,” Pauline replied.

“No,” the scruffy old biddy mumbled. Then, it suddenly hit her. Her eyes grew wide open. “Oi!” she yelled. “’Hat’s Gloria!”

“Huh?” the others asked. They all took a closer look. Shock washed over their faces.

“Oh my god, it’s her!” Lewis said.

“Is she back from New Manchester already?” Pauline asked. Clyde stood up to her fight.

“Oi Gloria!” she said. “Gloria! Gloria! Gloria!” The other woman looked up at them.

“Clyde?” she asked. “Is that you? Whoa!” Gloria started to fall over. The old biddies watched her with pain on their faces.

“Oh, don’t!” Muriel cried. “Don’t! Don’t fall!”

“Whoa!” she complained.

“Don’t fall!” Lewis yelled.

“WHOA!” Gloria cried.

“DON’T FALL!!!” the old biddies yelled. Plop! Gloria came crashing down. The others look away, painfully.

“Oooo! That’s not good,” Muriel said. The others shook their heads.

“’Hink we should ‘elp?” Clyde asked. Whack! There went another hit to the head with the purse. Moments later, they all sat at the foot of the hill around their old friend. Gloria took a moment to catch her breath.

“Thank you so much!” she said. “My shoes are giving me a hard time.” She yanked off her cork heels. Clyde picked up one of the shoes and looked at it closely. Puzzled look came onto her face.

“’Hat are ‘his?” she asked. Gloria turned to her.

“Cork heels,” she answered. “They are very popular in New Manchester.” Clyde looked at the heel a little bit longer before handing it to Muriel. She too looked at the red and cork heel shoes. She raised an eyebrow at the cork.

“What is this?” she asked. “Why do those women in New Manchester wearing heels made of cork?” Gloria only shrugged.

“Don’t know,” she said. Lewis took a look at the shoes.

“These look painful,” she said. The farmer glanced at her friend. “How the hell can you wear these?”

“I’m still breaking them in,” Gloria reasoned. “I can barely keep up on feet.” Pauline clapped her hands together.

“What brings you back to New Yorkshire?” she asked. Gloria perked up at the question.

“Ah!” she said. “I came to town after my daughter got divorced here.” The old biddies all nodded. Muriel grimaced. She still hadn’t gotten over her divorce from Evan. The old ditz clapped her hands together.

“So?” she asked. “Anything new happen here?”

“No,” the other old women replied.

“Too bad,” Gloria replied. “So what are you doing today?” Her old friends went quiet.

“I see,” she said. Then, the woman rose to her feet. The others looked on at her.

“Where ya goin’?” Clyde asked.

“Into town!” Gloria yelled.

“Wait!” Pauline yelled. “Wait! What about your shoes?!?”

“Opps!” she yelled. The old lady tried to race up the hill for her cork heels. But on the way up, she toppled over and fell again. Her friends looked on at her.

“’Ink we ‘old ’elp?” Clyde asked. She shielded her head before asking. Lewis shook her head.

“Nah, she’ll be fine,” she said.

“You sure?” Polly asked.

“Yeah, look,” Muriel replied, pointing. Gloria had stood up, smiling.

As they walked into town the old biddies began to remember why they didn’t like hanging out with Gloria so much. Gloria… Oh boy. Where to begin on her? She always meant well, but… Oh boy. Where to go? The quartet found her rather an idiot. Actually, all of Brit-Wales found her an idiot. Plus, Gloria didn’t really know when not to be talking. Every time she opened her mouth, a bomb exploded all other her unsuspecting victims. On a lighter note, she seemed like a snob without trying. Pauline, Muriel, Lewis, and Clyde followed their “friend.” Clyde leaned in to Muriel’s ear.

“’Ow do we get rid of ‘er?” she whispered. The retiree shrugged.

“Don’t know,” she said. They looked over at her. Gloria staggered around her cork heels. She seemed lost in her own world. Muriel and Clyde sighed.

“Come on now,” Polly whispered. “She can’t be that bad.”

“This is Gloria we’re going about,” Lewis pointed out.

“Yes,” the rich old biddy said. “But it never hurts to give some the benefit of the doubt.”

“Hm?” Gloria asked as she looked up.

“Nothing!” the others lied. She only giggled. The others sighed aloud.

“We have to get rid of her,” Lewis whispered.

“Yeah,” the other agreed. And fast too.

They all made it to the library. Gloria looked around inside. She smiled a little bit.

“Ah, just like a I remember,” she said.

“’Ow?” Clyde asked. The old woman turned to her with a smile.

“It’s old, dull, and Mr. Brice is trying to seduce another employee!” she cheered. The other four looked up and saw Mr. Brice and Mrs. Brown staring at the old biddies with big eyes. Clyde tried to hold back her laughter. Gloria stumbled over to the librarians.

“Mr. Brice!” she cheered. “So good to see you!” The old man and his middle-aged lady friend tried to flee. The four friends looked at each other.

“Shall we go?” Lewis whispered.

“Uh…” Pauline whispered. Three. Two. One! The four old biddies rushed right out the door before Gloria could notice. She was too busy trying to talk to the librarians.

Back to the Sunny Plum Café. Clyde breathed out with her cigarette in her mouth.

“Whew!” she breathed. “’Hat was too ‘ell!” Instead of a whack to the head, Pauline gave her an odd look.

“’Ell?” she asked.

“Ya!” Clyde said. “It was ‘ell!” The three tried not to laugh. The old lady bum looked at them all.

“Whot?” she asked. The women kept laughing loudly. Clyde still looked at all of them, confused.

“Whot? Whot?” she kept asking. The laughter drowned the whole café. The sound died out when someone cleared their throat over them. The women all looked up to see Tucker looking at them, frowning. Lewis noticed his face.

“What’s wrong, Tucker?” she asked. He only shook his head.

“Oh,” the farmer said. “Fun with Annie?”

“I don’t call it fun,” he grumbled.

“Aww,” Pauline said. “It’ll get better.”

“I highly doubt it,” he mumbled.

“Good point,” Muriel muttered.

“What was that?!?” someone snapped. They looked up to see Annie glaring at them behind the counter.

“Nothing!” they all lied. Muriel gave her a big grin as she waved.

“Yo-ho!” someone called out from the doorway. Everyone looked and saw Gloria walking in. The old biddies’ faces went into panic mood. Even Tucker and Annie looked worried. The confused old biddy walked into the café. Her smile began to fade.

“You lot left me,” she complained.

“Did we?” Pauline asked. “We are so sorry for that. Am I right?” Clyde gave her a puzzled look.

“I ‘hought we didn’t want…” she started to say. Pauline quickly nudged her in the ribs.

“Ow!” the messy bum yelled. Gloria only smiled.

“No problem!” she cheered. The old woman walked over to the table. But as predict, she fell straight to the floor.

“Whoa!” she cried out. Tucker rushed over to her aid.

“Are you alright?” he asked.

“I’m fine,” the old woman said. “It’s just these cork heels that I’m wearing.” Annie rolled her eyes.

“Oh great,” she mumbled. “Now I have to deal with this silly cow and all of this lo…” The owner looked up and saw that the four old biddies were nowhere in sight.

“Now where did they go?” she asked.

The four friends had already escaped outside. That’s enough of Gloria for one day.

The World is a Ghetto

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