Go to Reading on Line
Go to Home Page
Go to Chapter1
Introduction
It was very difficult for me to put pen in hand and begin to write this book because I had repressed so much of the core material that was necessary to write the book. I had dissociated so very much of the events that make up this work because I had to for the very survival of my ego. I had to will myself to remember, and in the process of remembering to relive the trauma, because I wanted to be able to present the information contained herein in a way that would give the reader insight into how a tragedy can alter an individual’s entire personality and character make-up. In addition, I hope that chronicling such a tragic part of my life will help to heal me in some way, and in the process heal others who have gone through similar experiences. I do hope that whoever reads this work will be able to benefit from my grief in some way because it would be a wholly wasted experience if no one on this Earth could find something positive out of a part of my life that was so very negative.
This book is intended as a pre-qual to Blind to the Molesting Hands, where I write in voyeuristic detail about my relationship with Jon, a man who was just as damaged as I was, and went on to become a mysogonistic sex offender. I have no idea what he is doing now, but I have every confidence that he has been able to convince himself that all of his problems in this life are down to his association with me. Because Jon has been able to present such an amenable image to those in authority, the police and military establishments have never taken any of his crimes seriously. Having stated that, there are few people today who take crimes committed against women seriously. As a result, Jon freely walks the streets, always in search of an unsuspecting woman to humiliate, degrade and physically harm.
Because this book is based on a time in my life before Blind to the Molesting Hands, it would be in the reader’s best interest to read the book as well so he can gain greater insight into just how bad life can get for a woman who has experienced a series of rather traumatic life events, but was never given any support to assimilate those experiences to enable her to heal and then go on to develop healthy relationships with others.
In the summer of 1988 I went to a friend to see a psychic. This woman had such a good reputation that she did not need to advertise, yet had well over a six-week waiting list. She did not speak English and I therefore needed a translator to understand what she was trying to say. The only thing that the psychic had difficulty with was with time. She could give a reading, but she could not give an indication as to the time the event would occur.
When I sat down for the reading, the first thing the clairvoyant said to me was that I would be involved in a court case and that I would lose. The first thought that came into my mind was that I could not imagine what kind of court case she could be talking about. I did not have any legal difficulties that I was aware of. I would later come to realise that the court case she spoke of was in reference to my relationship with Jon, and is chronicled in Blind to the Molesting Hands.
The psychic told me that I had dark blood in me, which is true. I am of Native American descent and those genes have become dominant in my make-up, as I have brown hair, brown eyes, tan skin, and many of the health problems associated with Native American peoples.
I was told that I would move a lot, and that point was stressed vociferously in the reading. I did not have any idea what she was talking about because I had just recently moved into a house and had every intention of staying there for at least three years. As it happens, I stayed in that house for almost six years. So much time had elapsed between that reading and the unfolding of events that would mark my destiny that I had gone to believe the woman who had predicted my future was in fact a charlatan.
How wrong I was. Almost every word that was said to me would slowly but surely come true, but it would take over a decade for the manifestation of her words to become reality.
The psychic looked at me and knew that I had a son, although I had given her no indication of the fact. The woman told me that my ex-husband was intentionally keeping me from Aaron because he wanted to punish me for what I did during our marriage. Aaron’s parental family did not want me to have any contact with him because they were afraid that he would get to know me.
The reason I did not see Aaron during the course of our marriage is because my ex-husband, Enrique, had been physically violent towards me. While we were married he broke my nose and dislocated my jaw. I know now that no woman should have to put up with that kind of battering by her husband, but such antics were a sad fact of my life, being a survivor or childhood sexual, physical and mental abuse. I also blamed myself for the abuse and felt that I deserved it. I believed that I deserved to have my son taken away from me because I was such an awful person.
The reader also told me that my ex-husband liked both men and women, but he preferred men to women and would one day have to make a decision about his sexuality. That idea was totally new to me, but when I reflected upon her words, I noticed that my husband never wanted me in a sexual way unless it was merely to relieve himself on me. Not once in our relationship did we ever make love, it was only sex in a highly animalistic fashion. At one point in our marriage he told me that he did not want me in a sexual way and we abstained from sex for over a year. By the time he wanted to resume a sexual relationship with me he had hurt me so much that I no longer desired him as a lover.