i just came back from a very super day. i went to snow jam with kevin and micheal and it was really great. a lot of kevins freinds were there too and theyre always hum special. alissa and beata were there, i never feel wanted when im around them, i hate that. the bands that were playing were 5 line legacy, subb, slaves on dope, some rapper dude, orgy, and crazy town. they all sucked especially crazy town. but i enjoyed orgy a whole lot. mainly because i was standing to people away from the gate at the front and when they played blue moday, jay gordon came sort of a little in the crowd and i touched his abs! he was all hot and he was wearing a red leather shirt. my hand was flat on him for a good 12 seconds. that was awfully neat. except for the fact that i was standing three meters away from a pile of twelve very large pumped up speakers thus causing permanent damage to my ears. i got offered crack by a disturbingly out of touch old man. and my hair is all messy and smells like many different kinds of smokes. and my pant are all muddy. and i cant feel my hands, feet, legs or shoulders and i think my spine is out of alignement. i got elbows everywhere and i mean that. i got kicked in the head my an amateur crowd surfer and i got kicked in the legs a couple of times too. i was steped on, jumped on and tossed around like a ragdoll. but im willing to overlook all of that for i touched jay gordons abs!

a lesser part of the day was when during subb, some jackass opened my bag and emptyied its content on the floor causing me to loose my cellphone and dozens of lollipops [they were giving them out and i kind of abused of their kind offer] i was unhappy, but we called my phone from a booth and the guy actually answered and eventually gave it back. at that point i was happy again.

i spent the whole day pretend fighting with kevin and just having a good time overall, making a fool of myself like only i can do. i really had a good day. i love concerts. i was on my olp concert buzz for over two weeks and i think this one is going to last me even longer.

PS: i havent written in in a while because i was at my grand parents country house. it was boring as hell, i watched 13 movies in four days. i wished for my death every waking hour. but im back and i feel fine.

there is no describing how i feel right now [thats not really true because i will describe it in a few seconds] i am lonely as hell, i am tired, i am sad and i have no money. my friends dont care about me: they amuse themselves by hurting me and then pretending they are there for me. my mom hates my friends. my dad left for san fransisco friday without even telling me and my sister is being a cunt. i was supposed to call somebody today, but in all honesty, i completely forgot and when i remembered, 20 minutes ago, i just didnt want to call. i have to spend the entire day tomorow studying. i cant take it anymore. weve just barely finished a semester and already, we are buried in work and exams. i have to learn the final scene of cyrano before next friday. i have to read 180 pages of boris vian for thursday and then find another book and read it for the wednesday after that. *sigh*. and here i am venting this on my pathetic little page that no one cares about. i cant take this anymore.

yesterday i went to a school dance. i tricked myself into thinking that maybe this time it wouldnt be so bad. ive never hated an event so much in my life. eleven year old girls dancing like strippers using their female classmates as poles. i have never seen so much mischanneled hormonal deficiency. and dont even get me started on how they were dressed! annorexia in a tube top. i wanted to puke. all the fourteen year olds were drunk-dead, i made a fool out of myself talking to alissa and i think i made ylan sad by my unwillingness to participate in that superfial and useless collective uphoria over mediocre "songs" that barely have a beat and no musical or lyrical content. plus kristina said she would come, so of course she didnt. she just said her mom left without telling her and came back at 9:45. how perfect, its not my fault, it my crazy mother! i hate her [kris] so much some times. its like the whole world has to revolve around her and her problems and her feelings. she never cares about anything that doesnt concern her. she pretends she does to make herself look good but deep down shes a self-centered bitch.

ive just realized how much ive written. i write more every time. i guess i should feel better now that ive 'outed my emotions' but i dont really. this doesnt solve anything. nothing ever helps, everything is hopeless.

PS: please forgvie spelling mistakes, i just didnt feel like reaching for the dictionnary today.

guess what day it is today, yup its v-day. i just emptyied myself of all my money to buy gifts and flowers to people i dont even actually care about. i dont like valentines day, now i am fully aware that right now you are thinking "oh shes so special hating love day, shes only saying that cause shes single im sure." well guess what, youre right. i hate valentines day mainly because i dispise the collective stupidity of people for giving in to this fabricated holiday. but if i had a special someone, i just know i could fake the fondness.

on a lighter tone, my friend just said something amusing: "hahaha special needs kid thats me!!! nah seriously im pretty unspecial im ure average im rebelling but i wont admit it and im trying to be all cool but im a big dork teenager from a stupid city thats not really stupid but that im saying is stupid to keep the dramatic intensity and angst to a maximum level ya know?" he said that cause told him he was special. i love my friends. this is probably all very boring to you and ill bet your wondering when ill get to the juicy part, well guess what here it comes baby.

more or less recently i took a needle and tryed to stick in my arm, like i used to do last summer. i couldnt do it, for the first time in a while i was really afraid. i felt an emotion physically and i was able to identify it. now, that never happens to me. it was weird. im not used to this stuff. usually i assume im sad when i cry and assume im neutral when i dont. i never know what to do with 'emotions'. i never know how i really feel or what i care about and i think thats what keeping me from making all these descisions about the future. i cant even decide if i want arts, drama or history of arts + philosophy + society. *sob*

i just finished watching the virgin suicides. god i love that movie. its the third time ive seen it in two weeks. i love everything about it. i love the drama, the tragedy, the general mood, the images, the expressions of feelings. its all so perfect. im going to have to read the book when i get a chance. i finished alice in wonderland a couple of weeks ago. it was good, but i took too much time to read it and disney stomped my imagination by giving me prefabricated images [im referring to hte movie]. im also almost done with 'l'ami retrouvé', its about the second world war. very short and sweet.

dammit im lonely. i really wish i loved someone, or that someone would love me. im so tired of no one understanding anything. im so tired of no one even trying to care, no shares my thoughts, my opinions or even my interests. i cant take it anymore.

i want it to be summer again. i wish the weather could even out a little, two weeks ago, it wouldnt stop snowing, and now its raining! it rained yesterday, everything froze. when i walked home, the streets were emptyer than theyve ever been. everything was weird, as usual. all shiny and orange because of the street lights. no one has christmas decorations anymore. i still have my blue lights in my room. theyre never coming down.

im happier than usual, i saw our lady peace at musique plus yesterday [local music tv station]. it was awsome, and very cold, but still awesome. i went with maja and we stood outside from 6:15 to 9:45, i had my school bag on my back the whole time. i was tired at the end. but we had such a perfect view of the inside, we were standing on the little step right under the window [thats what its there for] and holding on to a bus stop. we were standing less than a meter away from the drummer, but sadly we were separated by glass; but the darling would wave at us two between every song. we must have looked so crazy [eheheh] but gosh it was fun. we got hit on by two drunk guys going to a punk show down the same street. i think that evening was a high point of my life up to now.

ive gt a lot more to say, but i didnt really sleep last night [i got up at 4:30 to finish an economics research], ill come back tomorow.

today was fun, i saw boys dont cry and half of the virgin suicides with ylan. and then the rocky horror picture show alone. boys dont cry was awfully sad, i didnt know it was a true story. anyhow, it was funny because afterwards, i walked ylan to her bus stop, and on the way there, we saw a hug hill covered in untouched snow. needless to say we just had to write something on it. we chose to write 'i *heart* u' in huge letters due to the upcoming valentines day. i never thought snow could be fun until today and i also never thought snow could be so cold. she sure is a swell kid, shes quite sweet also.

i dont want to go skiing tomorow. i hate spending time with my family. i hate sports. and i hate my ski instructor, hes such a jerk.

i miss leesa. i know you dont know who she is, and im not about to tell you. but i miss her so much. that snow writing i did today reminded me of her a lot. we did the same thing not so long ago. *sigh*

i got some crappy grades today in school. actually its not so much that theyre bad, its just that i did my best and i worked really hard and it didnt pay off at all. im quite disapointed. i feel pretty stupid complaining about my grades, but what can i say, the pressure is pouring in from everywhere.

ive been feeling weird since yesterday. that can probably be explained by the fact that ive actually been feeling. or maybe im just having a bad day. ive been quite stressed lately. i drew little silver stars all over my hand and later i thought about it, and theres a symbol there. [here comes the crap, cover your eyes] you see, i dont like myself; i hate where i live, i hate my friends most of the time, i hate my family. stars are my way of holding on to childhood where stars were the prettiest things on earth and that was all that mattered. i dont want to grow up. i dont want to leave high school, yet i hate it with all my might. i hold on to objects of a past that i wished i had lived. you should see my room, ive got a 'my little pony' bed spread, i sleep with a blue care bear, i have a little purple/rainbow unicorn called bob that i carry around everywhere. i think im hopeless. this is just like the whole catcher in the rye dillema. i wish that book gave you an answer. but if it did, i think it would actually suck even more. [okay bullshits over, you can once again open your eyes. i hope i havent chased any of you away with this, cause that would be a shame]

wow, i had an eerie day. i went to kevins house and it was like we had never stopped seeing each other, but in the sense that it wasnt akward or annoyingly silent at any time. i had a lot of fun. we rented movies, the clerks and hardcore logo. i loved them both: clerks has that spark of cynicism and intelligence you dont find in most movies; and hard core logo was simply sublime, so dramatic and full of shit yet not. i guess im not making much sense, anyhow. it was nice. we played pogs too, then we had a pog fight. that was funny.

the whole thing really was weird though in some undetectable way. i havent had such strong feelings of nervosity before, or actually, i havent had such strong feelings before period.

already the end of the day. it was rotten. in french, the teacher started a debate about beauty and we somehow ended up talking about wigs and she usually asks for peoples opinions. of course she asked me, out of all people, and the entire class started laughing. i dont think ive ever been so red in my entire life. because see, first of all i have very long hair and people sometimes 'praise' me for it. but the reason why they laughed is that i once wore a pink and silver wig to school, just for the hell of it [i know what youre all thinking; no, i am not crazy. just special]. and well lets just say i got a lot of attention that day. but evidently, the teacher hadnt heard of this. any how, i wasnt very happy.

and also, its kevins birthday today. [he is my exboyfriend, but it was all very complicated because he loved me, a lot. and i didnt exactly want that. but now were just very close friends and hes dating someone else.] and im seeing him on sunday but i dont know if i should get him a gift. and if so, what? ugh, i hate relashionships, and people and pretty much everything else this stupid world contains. oh and also i missed my train. thats a constant source of frustration, you know how the door always closes when youre a meter away from it.

well, what to say. this is my first entry. im sad, im always sad, i dont even want to be happy. i find life is much easier to live if you dont expect anything from it. but who am i to decide so? a bloody dawsons creek writer? i dont think so. i miss leesa a lot. she is now my exgirlfriend, i keep her story in another journal. i have just too much to say about her. she dumped me after 4 months because i wasnt ready to come out to my family. im not too happy about that, i think i loved her. i dont love a lot of things or people. it was awfully nice while it lasted. im off to school soon. i dont want to go, we have exams. i think i failed every single one i took. i have no motivation to study, its like im tired of it without even having tried it. its very perplexing.

[if any of you people are going to follow this, dont expect much or at most excpect rubbish. im not even sure if ill keep this yet page. i guess well see]