Chapter 3

Kevin

It's dark around me. I'm sitting in a chair surrounded by light, but past that light is complete darkness.
"Hello?" I call but no one answers. I know someone is there though. I can feel it.
"Hey! Who's there?" Now I'm getting pissed. "Where are you? Where am I? What the fuck is going on!?"
"You kiss your Mother with that mouth, Kevin?" The voice is familiar. It's mine.
I turn to find out why my own voice is coming from behind me, but I really didn't expect what I find...or should I say 'who'. I find myself looking at a guy with green eyes. They are nice looking eyes. He's got long dark hair and he's my exact height, weight and build. He should be.
I'm looking at me.
At first I thought it was a mirror, but as I reached out to touch him, he pulled back. "No touchy-feely, Richardson. You know how we feel about pda's."
"That's part of the problem, actually."
OK, so now my voice is behind me again, but I'm staring at me and....this is making no sense. "What the hell is going on?"
I turn to look at the other "Me" and for some reason, this guy seems less...upset than the other me. I don't understand, but...he just does. He smiled at me and I feel calm.
Ok. I'm looking at two versions of me. One looks just plain annoyed. The other is ok with the situation. Like he knows something. "Can we get this started please? I have other things to do." Pissed off me states.
"Like what?" Calm me laughed and Pissed off, well he just looks angry.
"Kevin, here's the situation. You're fighting for your life."
"Excuse me?"
"Ok now he wants to act stupid."
"He's never been here before, so cut him some slack."
"All he's had lately is slack and furthermore..."
"Do you FUCKING mind?! What are you talking about, fighting for my life? Am I in a coma or something?" They're arguing and my life is on the line? What the hell?
"Sorry. Nope you are not in a coma, but you can still die. It's a matter of wanting to live. If you want to live you need to prove it."
"To who?"
"Yourself, bright boy. Jeez, and he's the smart one in the group."
"You know, you're really starting to bug me."
"Kevin he's your fear. You are afraid of something and until you face it, it won't go away. If you don't face it soon, you'll die."
"I have nothing to be afraid of. I have my health, or did anyway, my career is great, and I'm surrounded by people who love me."
"Are you sure about that part, buddy boy? Are you sure they love you? Maybe they just like you a lot and take pity on you. That's why they keep you in the group, you know. It's certainly not because of your voice."
I'm taken aback. I get it now. These are the things that I'm afraid of but never talk about. I've never thought my voice was the strongest of the group.
"Ok, I've even said that publicly. I admit that I...I wished my voice was stronger, better...like...like AJ's. Ok, I've admitted that. But every time I say that around those guys, I get trounced on. I'm comfortable with my voice and my fans like it too, so try something else."
"Very good. Alright, you heard the man, what else you got?" He's rooting for me. He wants me to survive this.
"Well I don't have to search far for something else. What about your family? You don't think your brother Tim is embarrassed by you? Gyrating on stage in that sinful fashion. And your poor Mother. How selfish of you to leave her after your father died."
I feel like I've been hit in the chest with a sledgehammer. "My mother has never, EVER wanted anything for me but for me to be happy. This makes me happy. I did NOT just leave her after my father died! SON OF A BITCH!! I waited for over a year before I even considered going back to Florida! As far as Tim goes, we have an understanding; It's work, part of the job and that's all!"
"But why does it upset you so, Kevin?" He wants to be gentle, but this is a sore spot for me. I can't deal with this.
"You have to deal with this, or you die. You have to get over these things."
"My father died! How the hell do I get over that?! Look, He's the reason I work so hard at this. I know that he's watching. I know that he can see me doing this and I want...I need him to be proud of me. If he were here he would be. Nothing changes just cause he isn't physically with me. I still want him to be proud of me. I know he's proud of me."
"Do you believe that, Kevin?"
It's funny. I've always felt that, but until this moment...this second I've never really believed it in my heart. "Yes. Completely."
"WOOHOO! Ok Trouble, what else you got for him?" He's truly happy with this. Frankly so am I.
"So everyone loves you?"
"Yes, well family, and friends, yea"
"What about Dianna?"
Dianna.
"What about her?" He's got me and he knows it. Bastard!
"Don't act stupid, Kevin. It doesn't become you. Does she love you? She's not seen with you much in public, is she? I mean, if she wants you or 'loves you completely' isn't that what she said; She'd go anywhere for you, pardon the pun. So, does Dianna love you?"
I'm scared. Terrified. What if she doesn't? What if she doesn't want to be with me?
"What if she doens't Kevin? What are you going to do?"
"I don't know. I, I can't imagine not having her in my life. I want to spend the rest of my life with her."
"Yes we know. But does she love you? What are you going to do if she doesn't love you?"
I'm going to cry. I'm going to break down right here and cry. I know there's no shame in a man crying, I have no problem with that. I just can't bear the thought of her not being with me. I can see it. I can see our wedding. God she's beautiful. I can SEE her coming down the aisle towards me. My heart breaks with joy. This one moment. It's as clear as day. She reaches out for my hand and I take hers. I can see me putting the ring on her finger. I can see her crying and I feel tears flowing down my face. I can see her belly round with my children. I can see us as Grandparents...Oh God, Dianna. I want to grow old with you. Just you.
"I love her, but I can't make her love me. If she doesn't love me," I'm going to be phsyically ill. "If she doesn't love me, then I have to let her go. I can't make her stay. I know she's got her worries and fears. She said so. She doesn't like us going out in public, and she has her reasons. I respect that. But...I love her. None of it matters to me. If she doesn't believe that or we can't get past her concerns and she wants to leave, then I have to let her go. It would KILL me, but, the only thing that matters is her being happy. Even if it's not with me."
I'm crying. Something tells me that this is the true test and that they know something I don't. They know that she doesn't want me.
"We only know what you know Kevin. You need to find out. Why don't you ask her yourself."
"Yeah Pop singer, do something for yourself, we can't do all the work."
I'm tired. Depressed as all hell. Dianna may not want to be with me. Jesus. I sit down in the chair and realize there's no one there. The other me's are gone and the light is fading. The only thing I can think of is Dianna. I begin to call her name, knowing she can't hear me. She's in Miami. I don't care. Maybe she'll hear me and come anyway.
"Dianna...Dianna"
I want to scream her name. I want her here.
"Dianna!!"

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