TRACKING THE CHIMERA

TRACKING THE CHIMERA

I have seen sometimes in a movie, or read in a book about crying women… women for whom there are always arms to wrap them, rocking away their sadness. But this happens only in the world beyond the screen or the pages of the book… that was why I used to close my eyes and dream how it would be if it happened…. I closed my eyes keeping in mind the image of the woman, to dream she was me. But I have never been… I only could be that one in the dream I have hardly built and from which I have always woken up with bitter heart… for nobody ever really embraced my sadness, rocking my cry.

Then I have dreamed that someone would believe in me enough as to give me a second chance. And while I was waiting for this to happen I was myself offering chances to everybody, again and again, wishing I would find at least once a place in their heart. I have never been sorry for giving the gift of my soul and I have never given hoping only for a reward. But I so much would have liked to feel, at least once, what the others were feeling! It has never happened. With every mistake I have ever made, I have lost everything I had at that moment. Nothing has ever been forgiven to me. And I had nothing else to do than gather from the dust what had remained of me and continue to give.

I have dreamed that one day the others would not ask me to be prefect anymore. Or at least that they would not punish me because I’m not. I have dreamed that I could make a simple, human, mistake that would be forgotten the next day as would anyone’s slight error. I have dreamed that I shouldn’t carry one more cross…

I have dreamed that one day the hand I would reach out to the others asking for help would not be slapped anymore; I have dreamed that one day my hand would meet the warmth of the hand of someone who would tell me “I’m here for you”.

I have dreamed that one day I could be forgiven. I have dreamed the day would come when I would not anymore be demanded to have the perfection of angels that does not fit my mortal clay. I have dreamed I would be allowed to be a simple human being and that I would not anymore be punished for being only that.

Have I dreamed? For sure it wasn’t a dream, for dreams come true when one believes in them. But no matter how much I believed in my dreams and prayed for them to come true, they have always remained the chimera always running faster, the one I will never catch from behind. Where have I been wrong?

Once I have built on the shore a castle of sand. I sat next to it, facing the sea, waiting for someone that would stop to play with me. I don’t know why I have never had the courage to look into the eyes of those who stopped only to crush my castle with a kick of their foot; perhaps I was afraid of what I would see in their look.

I only know that, tracking the same chimera, I have rebuilt the castle again and again. I only know I am still there, still waiting.

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