This will eventually be rearranged so that each seberate subject has its own page, and some stuff may be cut out. For now, you'll have to enjoy it as it is.

50 fun things for professors to do on the first day of class...

  1. Wear a hood with one eye hole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.
  2. After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.
  3. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream "MY PACEMAKER!"
  4. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.
  5. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"
  6. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't hear you, you'll have to ask 'me', Winky Willy."
  7. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?"
  8. Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in you grade book while muttering "tsk, tsk."
  9. Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird."
  10. Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.
  11. Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.
  12. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.
  13. Announce "you'll need this," and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.
  14. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.
  15. Start the lecture by dancing and lip-synching to James Brown's "Sex Machine."
  16. Ask occasional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps would know" and move on before anyone can answer.
  17. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.
  18. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.
  19. Address students as "worm."
  20. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.
  21. Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.
  22. Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.
  23. Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's name, rank, and serial number.
  24. Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the lecture's over when the bottle's done.
  25. Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.
  26. Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.
  27. Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.
  28. Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.
  29. Growl constantly and address students as "matey."
  30. Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask students to "sit back and groove."
  31. Announce that last year's students have almost finished their class projects.
  32. Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.
  33. Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers McGee" and is your "mascot." Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, "What'll be, McGee?"
  34. Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles."
  35. Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number system. use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don't use it.
  36. Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals.
  37. Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.
  38. Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at the bass while you lecture.
  39. Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.
  40. Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial breaks" every ten minutes.
  41. Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams or "fake the funk."
  42. Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.
  43. Pass out dental floss to students floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.
  44. Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for you class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.
  45. Ask students to list their favorite show tunes on a sign-up sheet. Criticize their choices and make notes in you grade book.
  46. Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.
  47. Warn students that they should being a snack lunch to exams.
  48. Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.
  49. Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about "that bug I picked up in the field."
  50. Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEAR YOU!"
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50 fun ways to fail your final

    If you're going to go down, go down with style. Failing your final exam can actually be an amusing experience, depending on what you make of it. Here are some suggestions...

  1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
  2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
  3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
  4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
  5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
  6. Bring cheerleaders.
  7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
  8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level.
  9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
  10. Bring pets.
  11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
  12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
  13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
  14. Come into the exam wearing a pair of birkenstocks, and nothing else.
  15. Come down with a BAD case of Tourette's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
  16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
  17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
  18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
  19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
  20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
  21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
  22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB, BABE, etc..).
  23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
  24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Screw this!" and walk out triumphantly.
  25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink).
  26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you start to hold your mouth and make "I'm about to bring something up" sounds).
  27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
  28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
  29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
  30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
  31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"
  32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
  33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
  34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
  35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations.
  36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
  37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
  38. Bring cheat sheets FROM ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out, too) and staple them to the exam with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."
  39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
  40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
  41. One word: Wrestlemania.
  42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
  43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
  44. Play Frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
  45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
  46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
  47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
  48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
  49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
  50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why My Professor Sucks".

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20 More Fun things to do in a final that does not matter (i.e. you are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam) -- submitted by Jeremy Willis, n3j7g3mh@coastalnet.com

  1. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
  2. Make Strange noises... get people to stare... look at the person next to you as if he\she did it.
  3. Write a short story about your childhood, or an experience that you once had. If you can't think of anything, make something up. Be creative. End the story with "I just thought I should tell you."
  4. Wear a mask or costume, pretend that you really DO think that you're someone else.
  5. Play loud music.
  6. When you turn in your test, take all the ones under it and throw them away or keep them or put your name on some of them. Do it casually, as if that's what you are supposed to do after an exam.
  7. Dress like the professor.
  8. Take 6 packages of rice cakes to the exam. Stuff at least 2 rice cakes into your mouth at once. Chew, then cough. Repeat if necessary.
  9. Use the space provided on the exam to re-create the dialogue from your favorite movie. If you run out of space, don't forget to ask for additional paper!
  10. Borrow a friend's Video taping equipment and set up a lot of lights and a camera around your desk. Call out instructions to imaginary people who are supposed to be working the equipment.
  11. Two words: Plastic Explosives.
  12. Bring food or Drinks, pass them out to the class as if you're supposed to be giving samples for a fund raiser. Use the words "Would you buy something like this if we had a bake sale?" It doesn't matter if they are baked goods or not.
  13. Trip people as they walk by your desk.
  14. Read all the questions out loud like Rain Man.
  15. Walk around the room and ask people if there is anything that you can help them with. Speak loudly stutter and spit. Make a show of it.
  16. Make several origami animals out of the test papers. Re-enact scenes from your favorite soap opera with them.
  17. In the middle of the test, have a friend rush into the classroom, tag your hand, and resume taking your test for you. When the teacher asks what's going on, calmly explain the rules of Tag Team Testing to him/her.
  18. Fake an orgasm. When interrupted, apologize, and explain that question #__ moved you, deeply.
  19. Order catering. The catering company should come in about halfway through the test, and should include at least three waiters, eight carts of food, and five candelabras.
  20. Stand up after about 15 minutes, and say loudly, "Okay, let's double-check our answers! Number one, A. Number two, C. Number three, E...."

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COLLEGE ADMISSIONS, by Dave Barry Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you young persons think seriously about are loud music and sex. Trust me: these are closely related to college.) College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time sleeping and trying to get dates. Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college:  Things you will need to know in later life (two hours). These include how to make collect phone calls and get beer and crepe-paper stains out of your pajamas.  Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours). These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology, -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay in college for the rest of your life. It's very difficult to forget everything. For example, when I was in college, I had to memorize - don't ask me why - the names of three other metaphysical poets other than John Donne. I have managed to forget one of them, but I still remember that the other two were named Vaughan and Crashaw. Sometimes, when I'm trying to remember something important like whether my wife told me to get tuna packed in oil or tuna packed in water, Vaughan and Crashaw just pop up in my mind, right there in the supermarket. It's a terrible waste of brain cells. After you've been in college for a year or so, you're supposed to choose a major, which is the subject you intend to memorize and forget the most about. Here is a very important piece of advice: BE SURE TO CHOOSE A MAJOR THAT DOES NOT INVOLVE KNOWN FACTS AND RIGHT ANSWERS. This means you must not major in mathematics, physics, biology, or chemistry, because these subjects involve actual facts. If, for example, you major in mathematics, you're going to wonder into class one day and the professor will say: "Define the cosine integer of the quadrant of a rhomboid binary axis, and extrapolate your results to five significant vertices." If you don't come up with exactly the answer the professor has in mind, you fail. The same is true of chemistry: if you write in your exam book that carbon and hydrogen combine to form oak, your professor will flunk you. He wants you to come up with the same answer he and all the other chemists have agreed on. Scientists are extremely snotty about this. So you should major in subjects like English, philosophy, psychology, and sociology - subjects in which nobody really understands what anybody else is talking about, and which involve virtually no actual facts. I attended classes in all these subjects, so I'll give you a quick overview of each: ENGLISH: This involves writing papers about long books you have read little snippets of just before class. Here is a tip on how to get good grades on your English papers: NEVER SAY ANYTHING ABOUT A BOOK THAT ANYBODY WITH ANY COMMON SENSE WOULD SAY. For example, suppose you are studying _Moby-Dick_. Anybody with any common sense would say Moby-Dick is a big white whale, since the characters in the book refer to it as a big white whale roughly eleven thousand times. So in your paper, you say Moby-Dick is actually the Republic of Ireland. Your professor, who is sick to death of reading papers and never liked _Moby-Dick_ anyway, will think you are enormously creative. If you can regularly come up with lunatic interpretations of simple stories, you should major in English. PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and deciding there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch. You should major in philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs. PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams. Psychologists are obsessed with rats and dreams. I once spent an entire semester training a rat to punch little buttons in a certain sequence, then training my roommate to do the same thing. The rat learned much faster. My roommate is now a doctor. Studying dreams is more fun. I had one professor who claimed everything we dreamed about - tractors, Arizona, baseball, frogs - actually represented a sexual organ. He was very insistent about this. Nobody wanted to sit near him. If you like rats or dreams, and above all if you dream about rats, you should major in psychology. SOCIOLOGY: For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and away the number one subject. I sat through hundreds of hours of sociology courses, and read gobs of sociology writing, and I never once heard or read a coherent statement. This is because sociologists want to be considered scientists, so they spend most of their time translating simple, obvious observations into a scientific sounding code. If you plan to major in sociology, you'll have to learn to do the same thing. For example, suppose you have observed that children cry when they fall down. You should write: "Methodological observations of the sociometrical behavior tendencies of prematured isolates indicates that a causal relationship exists between groundward tropism and lachrimatory, or 'crying,' behavior forms." If you can keep this up for fifty or sixty pages, you will get a large government grant.

UNIVERSAL GRADE CHANGE FORM
____________________University
To: Professor____________________
From:___________________________
I think my grade in your course,___________________, should be changed from ______ to _______ for the following reasons:
______1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.
______2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.
______3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won't get into: ______Medical School ______Graduate School ______Dental School ______My Fraternity/Sorority ______The Mickey Mouse Club ______Tri County Tech
______4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in _______________.
______5. I'll lose my scholarship.
______6. I'm on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldn't find a copy of your exam.
______7. I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I used did not cover the materisal asked for on the exam.
______8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every little fact.
______9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams asked about general principles.
_____10. You are prejudiced against: ______Males ______Jews ______Blacks ______Females ______Catholics ______Whites ______Protestants ______Moslems ______Minorities ______Chicanos ______People ______Students
_____11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or at least cut my allowance.
_____12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the following illness: ______mono ______broken baby finger ______acute alcoholism ______pregnancy ______VD ______fatherhood
_____13. You told us to be creative but you didn't tell us exactly how you wanted that done.
_____14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.
_____15. I don't have a reason; I just want a higher grade.
_____16. The lectures were: ______too detailed to pick out important points ______not explained in sufficient detail ______too boring ______all jokes and not enough material ______all of the above
_____17. This course was: ______too early, I was not awake. ______at lunchtime, I was hungry ______too late, I was tired
_____18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my (book, notes, paper) for this course.
_____19. Other___________________________________________________
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