Volume 2 Episode 2

Of Wolf and Man Part 1

Commonality is the thread that hangs

(The worst dictators in world history have come to power through the presence of a common suffering. Hitler had the Great Depression, Lenin the embarrassment of centuries of feudal weakness, Mao had a century of humiliation, and Napoleon had an era of daily execution. The American empire at its fall thought it had the common foe of the Arab after 9/11. Early on, it was proven that this was false, but the specter of 9/11 was carried further and further by the government as a distraction to failure and death in Iraq and Afghanistan. There was a common foe, and that foe was the same as Superman comics, the horrible evildoers themselves. Small wonder, then, that comic book simplicity is the gaudy blue dress that Britney wears to lure her subjects into her fantasy world that has become modern America. Still, she has many who cannot accept a common foe. With most of Arabia decimated and the war in China such a disaster that it was a blemish not even Britney could cover up with her heaviest makeup, Britney still needed someone to stop the slight bleeding of those who break out {about 2 million who flee either to New York or overseas compared to 1 million who fall back under and return from New York, which leaves Britney with the awkward reliance on immigrants to fill the void}. Furthermore, the government, even at this high stage of loyalty, is having trouble jump-starting a holocaust of homosexuals and is having problems with growing militarism from the asylum state. So, it is no surprise that the foundation of a common enemy, one to get the passive but untouchable insane in Long Island and the Jewish extremists in Staten Island to put pressure on the resistance to unite would be most beneficial to the government. Leave it to New England to cause such a scenario...)

(Cut to O'Reilly in Britney's room.)

O'Reilly: There has been a terrorist attack in Westchester.

Britney: Like, someone attacked that swamp? Why?

O'Reilly: There were 30 women on a bus heading home to Hartford from DC. They were brutally killed, and some were even infected with the devil's lust!

Britney: And they let themselves die rather than become dykes? And you worried I was getting old and stale, silly daddy!

O'Reilly: The people are outraged.

Britney: Yay! I'll call in the homeland security chief. He's had a long nap, I hope he hasn't...

(On cue, the homeland security chief stumbles in. He is in a paranoid state, yet unwavering.)

Homeland Security: Mommy! They're raping all our girls! We need to be ready! We need to have our girls start wearing chastity belts and carrying mace so they don't get violated and turned into the devil's sex-crazed demon banshees! This is a great tragedy, so many more lives can be lost if we are not READY!

Britney: (giggling) It'll be okay, silly, there's no need for steel panties to come into fashion this fall, although it could be a nice toasty trend for the winter. But you can tell them the normal stuff.

(As Homeland Security recites his speech to Britney, it is televised nationwide)

Homeland Security: You will never know when these faceless cowards will attack next, so bring an extra flashlight, a food supply and have a well-stocked basement in case of aerial bombing. Also keep an eye out for sleeper cells in your community! If another woman stares down your shirt, or a man turns around to look at the posterior of another man, report it to your local authorities at once. We will survive these cowards. American resolve is strong, and our will unbreakable. God bless you, and God bless America.

(Homeland Security leaves the room and Britney and O'Reilly laugh together.)

O'Reilly: Of all the actors in Hollywood, the funniest by far live right here in DC. You're a good daughter to keep me entertained like that.

Britney: Of course, daddy, that's what Washington DC is for, the greatest entertainers to kiss all the babies and make all the grand speeches that there are! Always was, I just make it more fun. Besides, every litter needs its resident scaredy cat.

O'Reilly: Of course they do. Now I have to go tell the 500 everything is OK.

Britney: See you later, Daddy!

(Meanwhile, all programming is interrupted nationwide. As if Britney slammed the brakes to her virtual Ferrari, the nation comes to a screeching halt with one mere sentence.)

"THIS IS A CHANNEL 1 NEWS SPECIAL REPORT"

(Terrell sees this and gives his normal mocking reply; as was the case after 9/11, every presidential speech turns into a "Special Report", a title usually used for true disasters, like when it snows outside.)

Terrell: News Flash, President Richardson says good morning! (chuckles) Nah, for real, I wonder how many people die in traffic accidents by driving into a ditch in a paranoid trance whenever those words are uttered.

Dee: Oh, please, they probably just want to fry some gay who couldn't get to New York in time. Nothing special there.

Bouchard: Merde! The way you people are staring, I wonder if she's getting to you.

(Helen plants a deep open-mouthed kiss on Dee and Terrell exhales his joint in Bouchard's face to quell his fears while the robot reporter rattles off his programmed propaganda.)

Terrell: Ha! You fuckin' shittin' me? They used the corpse in the bus trick, God, that's old school, yo! We used to do that with taxicabs, drive skeletons around so the fucking tourists would leave us alone.

Helen: You didn't kill them yourself, though, and you didn't kill 30 of them at once. Hell, that grosses ME out!

Terrell: Sure, let Britney sing you to sleep with that common enemy bullshit! I ain't buying, I say good for... SHIT, MAN! Those were kids? What the fuck were those assholes thinking?! Do all the shit you want, but you don't touch kids! Who did this shit?! They gotta be trying to get more people under! I better tell Todd.

Helen: Fuck, we're not the cops. Let them handle it, it's not our problem. Aww, gross, Miss Decency is showing pictures of the corpses! Now why would a goody-two-shoes like her do that?

Dee: Shock and awe. The more sensational, the more she can convince her people to break the commandment of not killing... oh my God, Helen, look! That one they're saying was raped and let herself die rather than let her soul get consumed by the "dyke's plague" (Helen rolls her eyes at the channel 1 rhetoric), look what she's wearing!

Helen: Those people don't play women's basketball anymore either, Dee, that doesn't mean shit.

Dee: Look at the number! That jersey hasn't been worn since...

Helen: It couldn't be her, she denied herself and became a nun.

Dee: Helen! I heard the rumors in New York, after their coach returned after freeing every lesbian student on campus. You know what happened to that generation, what they went through, what changed them.

Helen: I know one was a spy who weeded out border zone women's sports programs that were fronts for hiding lesbians before the Chinese War made New Jersey part of zombieland for good. Hell, I still want that bitch for arresting that Teaneck team- worst basketball team ever, but damn, they were amazing in bed. This was before I met you, so don't get your panties in a knot- makes 'em harder to take off.

Dee: Don't worry, I know. I ran a clinic for them once. I figured they should at least learn how to dribble if they were gonna be a basketball team.

Helen: Did it work?

Dee: Oh, yeah, I didn't think of Anne for a week after that! (winks) But it couldn't be them, could it?

Helen: Well, the coach disappeared, but some thought he just had a temporary lapse then returned to Britney.

Dee: And then there's the writer who threw Roy and Dale out of 30 Rock. That made the front page of the Daily News. That's when they closed Rock Center for good and moved all Channel 1 operations to New Jersey. So I know that generation still exists but...this heinous?

Helen: I don't know, but still, this is the NYPD's problem or the Bronx Society's. We shouldn't do the dirty work for the fucking government.

Dee: C'mon, you know this is against even the Bronx code of justice. And if it is them, with that cult loyalty, it'll only get worse, just like their homophobia only got worse, and they love denial. If Whitey were here he'd tell you that in a second.

Terrell: Oh, I know what his Slash and her pals did… man, that was some sweet-ass porn they put on those seats, if I do offer my expert opinion.

Dee: And you would know this how?

Terrell: She used to trade stories for the acid pills she used to stock her purse. Well, at least for a discount on them. But those, with their historical value, I had to pay for. Not bad, but I gotta ask- how does one do it with a girl when she has a sniffer like that?

Helen: Well, if that's really her who's behind this, I don't wanna find out, and if I don't wanna find out...

Terrell: I get it! So do you really think it's them? And are they really that nuts?

Dee: See for yourself!

Terrell: Yeah, but this common enemy stuff... I dunno, man, let the government have their way. Todd would NEVER dig this. This is someone who got channel 1 chicks drunk then threw 'em to the wolves. He wasn't directly involved, so he felt wasn't nothing wrong with it, and well... (chuckles)

Dee: If you've ever seen a drunk channel 1 girl...

Terrell: Yeah, oh man, talk about plastering the walls of Jericho! (laughs)

Dee: I see...but this is terrible. I don't care if it's Channel 1, getting rid of these radicals is the best thing we can do for our side.

Terrell: Come again?

Helen: Yeah... hell, you lost ME, and you know how hard that is.

Dee: The more they see a common enemy, the more people Britney can seduce over to her side, and the harder it is for those already under to see any kind of light. That's why they need a war all the time. Peace is dangerous for Britney, and right now, we are the closest thing to war she has.

Terrell: Okay. I'll ask Todd, but don't expect much, if any, sympathy. Hell, he may agree with those clowns.

(The scene shifts to New York, we see an emergency meeting of the New York City Council. Here the heads of all the factions of the city meet from time to time to discuss the future of the city. As was the case with government before Britney, nothing ever actually gets done, but the rhetoric is fun to watch. We see all the leaders: Rey Hernandez, Don Arturo, the various priests of the cults, even Ahmed Al-Muhammad, the head of the Taxi and Limousine Commission. Ames is here representing the Street Merchants Union and Whitey is by his side. The chief of the NYPD, Peter O'Rourke {whose given last name is unmentionable in today's New York}, which is now more interested in drinking and giving tourists parking tickets than bringing any order to the city that may give Britney a foothold, speaks, obviously angry that something made him get up this early in the morning and stay sober for more than a few minutes at a time.)

Peter: I have been informed of someone inhabiting the DMZ and violating one of our most sacred laws. For fuck's sake, lads, there are only five laws! I drink more Guinnesses in a morning than we have laws here, so how fucking hard IS it to obey them? Murdering and torturing kids, rape, going over the border into enemy territory- is there a law that wasn't broken? For fuck's sake, they even double-parked the bus!

(All heads turn to Rey, whose men have been rumored to commit low-level sexual assaults against brainwashed as part of their initiation rites.)

Rey: ¡Ay de Dios! Por qué yo? We don't mess around up north, and that's just crap that the government says about us grabbing las chicas. Got it? Besides, why would we wanna kill such fine looking rubias like that?

(Alex Sloan speaks up.)

Alex: I know who they are. They aren't from around here. They attacked one of mine.

(Everyone gasps; by far, attacking a fellow New Yorker is the most serious of all the crimes in New York. Besides, not even New Yorkers mess with a cult run by a kid from Brooklyn, no matter how young he is.)

Alex: They tortured her and cut her tongue out. I've visited them once trying to get them to seek help before they went too far. I think you see the result. They are beyond any reason. Britney took from them anything that resembled sanity; what's left of them is now consumed by rage over the destruction of their sport, a sport that made them god-like figures in their native land.

(Tyler Larson, the tidier-than-Channel 1 leader of Nassau County, speaks up. People see him as almost Channel 1 in his ways, but the extra-swish demeanor he exhibits at council meetings shows what side he is on even if his people do not fight, especially since he has a husband and children to worry about. He is disgusted by some of the crime scene pictures being passed around.)

Tyler: Oh geez, like, that is so unsanitary, leaving corpses on a bus like that! Can you please clean this up? Ugh, that is so messy, and they didn't even keep the bodies color-coordinated, ew, ew, ew! Just terrible slobs, that should be crime enough! But don't count on me, lest I get this $200 pink shirt messed up. Isn't it just darling? And the matching pants go so well for the fall.

(Ames speaks next, resisting the urge to proclaim that his pink shirts go for half what Tyler paid at his mall at Columbus Circle, even if Tyler's fashion sense is always a tough act to follow.)

Ames: We have got to take this carefully. The thing that Britney would like most would be for New York to rally around a common enemy. They haven't had that chance since 9/11, and mind you, they messed that up so bad they were running in different directions like headless chickens since day 1. Now if these attackers are who Alex suggests they are, there's a real easy way to find them. They get their supplies by a fiercely loyal band of people their leader freed when he broke from Britney last year. There were rumors of these folks for a while, but never like this. I can get you their chief supplier, and she will talk. She's ignorant- she never was exposed to Britney because she lived in Alaska. My reporters have found her a few times. We can confirm who these people are if indeed they are the ones behind this.

Arturo: So how do-a we whack these punks without doing favors for the other side? That's Niv's job.

(Niv Goldstein, leader of the mercenary group the Sons of David, objects)

Niv: Hey, at least we don't run mafia scams to make money, you Italian schmuck! Just so you know, it's an extra $5000 hazard pay for us to go after people we KNOW are crazy.

Ames: Oh, keep your prices to yourself, we don't need you yet. In fact I have someone who can call in the best of the best, thus preserving New York without giving in to a common enemy, while at the same time destroying these fiends before they do more harm to our good name. I'm sure most of you have met Whitey.

Niv: HEY! It's the bastard who killed our beloved Eva! (Pulls out gun) I'll be glad to do what she can't to this schmuck!

Whitey: Oh, put that thing down! That's not even the biggest piece one of your guys has pointed at me this week. You know I never meant for Eva to get hurt. In fact, she caused the most damage since the Chinese war, even if she couldn't last. She wanted to do it. It was her one goal to destroy Britney and confront her sister. She was very brave, and I now cannot fail in my mission to destroy Britney because of her.

Niv: All right, if her country could forgive you, but anything you ask of us will cost you triple! We need the money to build a statue of her in Crown Heights.

Whitey: (Pulling out a briefcase of money) Here you go, no strings. I'd build it myself but, well, you don't want to see my art skills.

Niv: You got chutzpah. I admire that. Now do you still speak to Todd Carter? Or are you here cuz he was going to put the kibosh on you for killing the woman he loved?

Whitey: News travels fast here, doesn't it? And I don't even know that answer. But don't believe every... er, make that anything you see on page 6!

Peter: Well, for fuck's sake, how the hell are we going to find these hooligans? I'm already late for my appointment at the shooting range. And they drink all the shots if you're too late!

Whitey: Ames already brought it up, the Alaskan wolfhound.

Peter: That sweet lassie? She's so ignorant, she rides cabs without a second thought, and no New Yorker would do that even before Britney!

Ahmed: What! It's against the rules to blow up a cab! We are a safe and efficient mode of transportation, who just happen to dress like Al-Qaeda cuz tourists find it scary. We have only had 100 deaths this year, you know! All tourists with bad hearts and the occasional mishap with a truck on the FDR.

Whitey: I know she's a folk hero here for being so innocent, but Ames' research shows that she is the primary courier of supplies to the cult. She's not the only one but she's most likely the only one who will talk. The others were freed by their coach when the lesbians were set for execution. Even then he sent the straights to execution at the government's hands. And they wonder why people call them barbarians for having executions.

Peter: Then it's settled. We will track her down and find out what she knows.

(Meanwhile, in Toronto)

Bouchard: Britney is trying the old common enemy trick again!

Todd: Well, then ignore it. We have more important things to worry about.

Bouchard: But these people they want, they are dangerous. And they have violated even the Bronx code of justice.

Todd: So? Have a drink, I think she's getting to you. (offers Bouchard a glass)

(Bouchard curses Todd out in French.)

Todd: That means nothing! Didn't Eva teach you anything?

Bouchard: No, but you know that we French don't drink cheap whiskey, life's too short. If you must make me drink, spend the francs for some decent wine!

(Bouchard gives up and leaves and Terrell walks in)

Terrell: Dude! You heard what they did! You know rape is out of bounds, and murdering kids, that's just dumb! Why kill our only hope? These people, Dee knows them. They were a cult going back years before Britney, and they were a strong cult to preach Britney before Britney shot herself in the foot by banning women's basketball.

Todd: So far you're making a case for giving these guys guns.

Terrell: They've gone off the deep end, man! They hang out in the DMZ! They are some sick puppies, and I ain't talking about the good kind of sick. Did you see the pictures? They ripped the arms off of one of them.

Todd: How can you be certain that this wasn't the government sensationalizing things? They wouldn't be beyond cutting up a body to make it look good on TV, just like they used to film kids signing caskets in the 90s or make some phony WMD claim.

Terrell: They got hundreds like them across the country, some under, some freed, and some ain't no one sure what they're doing. You wanna take that chance? Dude, these guys hid their sexuality and served as priests for Britney; one was a spy, one was a writer... man, do you REALLY think you can trust them?

Todd: If they really are that charismatic, it sounds like we have another weapon like me.

Terrell: Well, if that's the way you wanna think, get off your fucking ass and save them cuz they got the government and half the city of New York after them!

Todd: They raped, and that is a sin. Never understood that, though. Given that the home remedy for homosexuality and other infidelities in idiotland is rape, aren't they punishing righteousness? (laughs) Maybe they were telling Britney how pious they were. Human sacrifice IS the world's oldest religious rite.

Terrell: And ho'ing is the world's oldest profession, don't make it right. You really have gone off the deep end, you know that, right?

Todd: And a hustler like you would want any different? So have we found them?

Terrell: Dee is working on it, she knows some in that area.

Todd: Of course, they hated each other back then too. No wonder why you were sympathetic to them being evil.

Terrell: What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

Todd: Being a lesbian does not preclude one from being pretty, and we men act differently among pretty women.

Terrell: Aw, you have got to be shitting me. For one, I don't do blondes, and for two, with Helen's arsenal...HELLLLLLLL NOOOOOOOO! I like a piece on a woman, not a woman with a piece!

Todd: Good point. I'll be the judge of if these guys are with us or against us.

(Dee walks in)

Dee: Hey there, Todd. I found them, and indeed it is the girls from Connecticut. We're in for it now.

Todd: Oh, quit being so gloom and doom. Now what did you find?

Dee: Well, they are in the Westchester DMZ, and they have claimed responsibility for the attack.

Todd: Just like Al-Qaeda "claimed responsibility" in Europe even though the MOs suggested local separatists who have been menacing those countries for decades?

Dee: C'mon, be fair.

Todd: And just like Al-Qaeda "had a stronghold with WMDs" in countries that weren't even their form of Islam? Hey I captured the guy, I know a little about them. They blinded me with that crap for the best years of my life.

Dee (playfully seductive): Really, baby? I thought it was me doing the blinding.

Todd: That too! But you being straight was less of a lie now that I think about what little I remember. That's why these guys worry me. You're right, they are loose cannons. But a common enemy of "evildoers" becomes the most powerful tool the government has. And ME destroying them?

Dee: Gives you more cover.

Todd: And it could let Britney marry me. That was the plan, but I escaped. It only dawned on me after Eva died what they were planning for me, locking me in that mansion with a blonde slut who would make every bad oral sex pun in the book while eating oversized shrimp, and then wonder why I wasn't interested before falling asleep to the computer or television to wake up an even bigger airhead. Me, nahh. I had too much fun bouncing off the walls in lunacy.

Dee (gasping): Do you know who that must have been?

Todd: I have an idea, but well, I thought she was already married.

Dee: Like that EVER mattered in Hollywood.

Todd: True, but well, let's just say that this Britney had nothing to worry about in terms of looks. Yeeech, she let herself go. She's now just an average Channel 1 most likely- they couldn't use her as an actress, not the way I remember her.

Dee: Well, c'mon, we need to meet these people.

(Meanwhile in New York, Whitey and Ames have cornered the friendly fiend called the Alaskan wolfhound. Her tall black frame clashes with her snow boots and Inuit jacket, especially since it's summer!)

Wolfhound: Hello there, how can the hound be of service?

Ames: Cut the BS, who are you supplying that truck to? Guns? Drugs? Food? You running an army camp?

Wolfhound: Nope, I just have hungry friends, and well, the guns are for shooting the caribou over there, I guess. The drugs- well, every sled dog needs to make sure they have medicine, just in case!

Whitey: I never knew GBH cured the common cold.

Wolfhound: I'm no chemist, they just give me a shopping list and I buy what they need. Nice people out there. My coach wouldn't hurt a fly.

Ames (whispering to Whitey): Somewhere in Alaska, a village is missing its idiot; she's so dense that she avoided Britney by being too stupid for her!

Whitey: So can we see them?

Wolfhound: I don't know, coach doesn't like practice interrupted. Okay, I guess... but you have to put up with my dogs. This weather makes the Iditarod seem like a frolic in the park to them.

Whitey: That's fine. I'll even feed them.

Wolfhound: I don't know about that, they're pretty finicky. You gotta take the water out of the food just so or they get really pissy.

Whitey (to Ames): So now we know what she calls her truck. Get the others to follow us, she won't notice. She's out there more than a Channel 1 type.

(With that the gangs of New York set off after the Lone Wolves. Meanwhile, at the secret airport in Islip...)

Todd: Now where are these people, Dee?

Dee: In the woods by the border of their old home. They're using an abandoned amusement park and practice facility as their hideout. Pretty ironic, that was my team's practice facility! I fought some of those morons when they were under. Especially the nun, what a mother!

(Helen laughs)

Todd: So you know a way directly in?

Dee: Well, for one I know enough to cross the Sound by boat than cross Manhattan!

Todd: Then you lead, you know the way.

(With that the scene fades to a news clip)

Anchor: And in other news, the brutal savage terrorist faggots who brutalized 30 innocents last week are being tracked down by none other than the elite of the elite, Todd Carter!

Female Anchor: MMMMmmmmmmm and I thought he retired! Oh man, what a man, strong enough to bring down Bin Laden AND these savage faggots! I feel so much safer for our homeland security having him back. Welcome home, Todd!

To Be Continued...