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Why Does My Heart Cry?

by Allison K. East

 

Love is not supposed to hurt, but it does. It can, especially when you're a vampire slayer and in love with a vampire. Buffy shook her head. That sounded so ludicrous, a vampire and the Slayer in love with each other. But it was true, a relationship doomed from the start. How was it possible? This vampire had a soul, a product of a Romany Gypsy curse because he had killed one of their own.

So the evil vampire Angelus became the tortured, brooding Angel, haunted by the crimes of his past. Eventually he was found by a demon called Whistler who have him new hope for his (un)life—helping the new Vampire Slayer, Buffy Summers.

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He didn't count on her being so beautiful, Angel supposed. She also didn't act like an ordinary Slayer, which added to her appeal. He couldn't help but fall in love with her. Buffy Summers. Giles said it was poetic— in a maudlin kind of way, back when they were trying to save Buffy from the Master.

The chemistry between them was undeniable, but Angel resisted at first. He could never be part of her normal life—as if a Slayer's life could ever be normal. He could never be with her during the day, never take her out on a picnic or a date. But she was in his heart just as he was in hers. They were drawn together despite their's and others' better judgements. It was not like he could really avoid her—they both fought the powers of darkness. For her 17th birthday, Angel gave Buffy a claddagh ring, an old Irish symbol. He told her that if she wore it with the heart facing a certain way, it meant that her heart belonged to someone. So she did.

But that night, despite it being Buffy's birthday, was just like any other, and they had to fight the forces of evil. Afterwards, Buffy made het way through the rain to Angel's apartment and arrived drenched. Angel invited her in, helped her dry off, tended to her wounds… and made love to her.

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No one knew. Only Jenny Callender and the others of her Romany Gypsy clan knew that Angel's curse came with a condition. If Angel were to have one moment of perfect happiness, he would the evil Angelus.

But no one knew about the Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde thing going on inside Angel. If they had, Buffy would have never allowed herself to be the trigger. Or would she? It was too late to know now. What is done is done.

What came next will always be on Buffy's conscience. Because of her love for Angel, Buffy wasn't able to slay Angelus at first; and by joining up with Spike and Druscilla, he did some serious damage. When he brutally murdered Jenny Callender for daring to try and find a way of cursing him again, and tortured Giles with her body, Buffy knew that she had to put an end to Angelus once and for all.

Angelus, Spike and co. were working on a way to bring about the apocalypse. They deduced that by a special incantation, blood and pulling and old sword out of a guardian, Angelus could open a vortex and suck the world and all the good in it into Hell, leaving it a haven for demonkind.

Buffy couldn't allow this to happen, so while she went to stop him and rescue Giles (who was kidnapped to provide the final clue) with Spike's help, because he didn't like Angelus's influence over Dru, Willow set to work on the curse that would give Angel his soul again. Buffy knew that Willow might not succeed and was prepared to kill Angelus if she must.

Willow did succeed with the curse, but not before Angelus drew the sword from the guardian and started fencing with Buffy. Just as she was about to strike him down, the curse kicked in and Buffy got her Angel back. They were tearfully reunited… then Buffy saw the vortex begin to open over Angel's shoulder. It had begun, and the Slayer knew what she must do. She killed Angel, her one true love.

No one knew the pain Buffy went through for that act, for she never told them that the curse worked and she killed him anyway. She ran away rather than deal with everybody. Even after Angel inexplicably returned; for her heart still hurt, because she still loved him deeply and they could not be together. The cost was too great. But neither could they be apart.

Buffy tried to stay away from Angel. Not only because the cost was too great, but because she valued the opinions of her friends. Willow was supportive, as always, but Giles and Xander were not comfortable, and she could hardly blame them. Xander had never trusted Angel, and Giles… well it is not easy getting over the brutal murder of someone you care about. Buffy should know.

But when Buffy realised that Angel was in trouble, she couldn't stay away and not help. For one thing, they were doing guest spots in each other's dreams when made it impossible to let go. So Giles and even Xander agreed to help.

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Angel was tortured by demons from his past, victims of the evil Angelus. A young man he had killed in Ireland; a chambermaid; Jenny Callender. Jenny appeared to him when he went to Giles for help.

It took a lot for Angel to go to Giles, after what Angelus did to Ms Callender. He knew that Giles had every right to refuse to help, or even stake him. But Giles was the only one who could conceivable help, who might be able to discover why he was brought back to Earth instead of being in a demon dimension. But Ms Callender appeared before Giles could agree or not agree to help, and Angel ran.

The apparitions told Angel that they brought him back to suffer; to suffer, to go to Buffy and make love to her, become Angelus again, to drink form Buffy and kill her. Hoping to get rid of the apparitions haunting him, Angel went to Buffy's bedroom to do just that. But when it came right down to it he couldn't. he loved her too much to hurt her like that, though he was tempted.

The only other way to be rid of the apparitions would be to die. The apparitions reckoned that he wasn't strong enough to kill himself. He countered that he didn't have to kill himself, just wait for the sun to rise.

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Giles found out that the only thing powerful enough to bring Angel back was The First, pure evil that wasn't corporeal for Buffy to fight. She could fight The First's priests though, and went to do just that when they figured out where the priests were.

That was when The First told Buffy that Angel would be dead by dawn. It did not take Buffy long to figure out what that meant and raced to a bluff facing east where she found Angel waiting for the sun. he was determined to let the sun destroy him, even resorting to attacking Buffy to show that he deserved to die.

It shocked her to know that part of Angel wanted to make to her knowing that it would cost him his soul. Though maybe it shouldn't, because there were times when she felt the same way. And it was that she used to reason with Angel. The fact that it hurt to love him, to know she killed him. She hated that it hurt, that it was so hard, that she could not wish him dead. It was hard, but she stayed strong and kept fighting because that was life was about. And she could help him, but if he couldn't, then she would let him burn.

But it did not come to that. Before the sun could peak its way over the horizon the impossible happened. A miracle. It started to snow in Sunnydale, California, snow which saved Angel from suicide and brought halt to their argument. They walked slowly through the snow-laden streets of Sunnydale, reflecting on the past. And somehow, Buffy knew they would be all right.

 

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