I Do Not Sleep

But the pain was still there, the anguish was still there. All he could do was sit in the burnt, damp remains of her house by the body they believed was hers and weep. The words to an old epitaph flitted through his confused mind: Do not stand at my grave and weep. I am not there, I do not sleep. It was bizarre how he fixated on those two lines. but he could not do otherwise. Contrary to what they said, those words were about the dead, and he could no nothing but weep.

It took a lot of convincing to leave the ruins of that house, but he was finally persuaded to do so, in part because of the almost irrational belief or hope that somehow Sydney was still alive... she's dead... But the DNA results on the remains were conclusive. It was Sydney. She's dead.

Time passed in a haze of drinking and talking to the dead Sydney. He left the CIA, he could not stand working at the place that had brought them together. Life goes on as the saying went, but he was dead inside. Nothing held any meaning for him now. Sometimes he felt like driving off a cliff or jumping off a bridge to join her, but the same grief that drove him to those dark thoughts also held him back. When talking to 'Sydney' he knew she wouldn't want him to give up. She would want him to carry on, to live again.

And eventually he did just that. When in his drunken haze of talking to Sydney and she started answering back, he knew he needed to pull himself together. He got a job, he began to go out more, he even started to date again. Lauren was nice enough, and they became close rahter quickly; but his heart still ached for Sydney. Perhaps it always would. But Sydney was gone... she's dead... and his life could not stagnate forever. So he locked his love for Sydney away in a deep part of his heart, never to be forgotten; and moved on. He found that he could love again, and married Lauren.

Then it happened. A fateful phone call from a past that he thought he could put behind him. One simple call that ripped open the pain, the anguish, the tears as though it were yesterday. Sydney was alive, she made contact from Hong Kong. And the CIA wanted him to go over and debrief her, even though he was no longer with the Angency.

He was at once filled with elation that she was alive, and trepidation at the thought of seeing her again. How was he going to explain what had happened since they last saw each other? How could he explain Lauren? It was ironic how those lines from that epitaph that were stuck in his head were literally the truth. I am not there, I do not sleep... I am not there, I did not die.

Pain. Anguish. Tears. They were what accompanied him on his journey to Hong Kong, and on his journey home with a sedated Sydney who had not believed him. How could she? Less than two years had passed without her knowledge, and he had married another woman. Was it any wonder that she believed he was a double working for Sloane or someone with a nefarious plot?