People always ask you whether you would change anything if you could live your life over again knowing what you do now. I always thought that I would do everything the same... that I had chosen the best path. Yesterday I found out that I was wrong. I chose with my head and not my heart. For that I will never be able to forgive myself. And what you ask caused this revelation? Yesterday I found out that Hawkeye is dead... and I killed him. Even though I haven't seen him for 10 years, I know it was my fault. How is it my fault? Just listen to my story and you will see.

Hawkeye and I were the best of friends in the worst place you can be. A lot of people have romantic images of war and of serving your country, but the reality is hell. Even though we weren't out in the frontline every day, we spent all of our time patching up those who were. The sights we saw were beyond horror. Many cracked under the strain, and I know some doctors that gave up medicine upon their return... they just couldn't handle it any more. The one thing that helped me stay sane was Hawkeye. He was the best friend that I could have dreamed of having. We laughed and joked so as not to cry from the devastation around us. When one of us couldn't laugh any more, the other was always there... a shoulder to cry on when needed. Under those conditions, it is not surprising that we fell in love with each other. We had to keep it a secret or else we would have been dishonourably discharged and found it very hard to practice medicine in the future. Even though I had a wife and kids at home, I fell head over heels for Hawkeye, and I knew that he loved me deeply. I have never felt so complete as when I was with him, and I knew he felt the same. We were soulmates, but then I did the most stupid thing.

I got my release papers to go home and that is when it happened. I had to leave Hawkeye in Korea, and reality suddenly intruded. I had to choose between my family and my love for Hawkeye. After a lot of heartache, I chose not to ruin my kids' lives. I thought it would be better for everyone. My heart was breaking, but I thought that in the long run it would be easier for us. We wouldn't have to risk our careers, I wouldn't be ruining the lives of my wife and children, and Hawkeye could find some lovely young lady and settle down with a family of his own. Unfortunately, that isn't what happened.

When I told Hawkeye of my decision I could see the pain in his eyes and the light in him seemed to turn off. He pleaded with me to change my mind, but I wouldn't. We slept together one last time, and then I returned to my safe and comfortable life. The only problem was that even though I loved my children, it wasn't enough. I tried to write to him, but couldn't as it hurt us both too much. I also felt too guilty. I kept in contact with Radar and Klinger, and the news wasn't good. My replacement helped a bit and they became friends, but they both knew it was all a front to hide the fact that he was hurting. I will forever be asking myself whether he would have cracked if I hadn't made the choice that I did. When he came out of the hospital, he was only a shadow of his former self. He became a bit of a hermit and slowly withered away. I occasionally kept in contact with some people who knew him, and what I heard distressed me, but I still didn't know just how bad it was. He didn't look after himself, and the years of drinking the Gin distilled in "The Swamp" took its toll. He developed Liver Cancer and didn't fight it because he had given up on life. It only took 2 months to kill him.

Hawkeye's father sent me a letter telling me of his death. That was the day the bottom dropped out of my world. Enclosed in the letter was another envelope. Inside this was my final letter from Hawkeye. I broke down while reading it. My wife came home to find me curled up on the floor, hugging the letter and bawling my eyes out. It hurt so badly. The letter explained that Hawkeye couldn't live without me. He tried to do so with the support of BJ, but he couldn't do it any more. He considered the cancer a blessing and made a conscious decision to give in to it. He wanted peace. Even though cancer was the official cause of death, I know he died of a broken heart. And with him went the last little piece of myself. My wife now knows that I don't love her, but we will stay together for the kids. They are my only reason for living now.

Nothing can ever undo what I have done. No matter how much I wish to go back and change things, I know I can't. The other half of my soul is gone and I want to go with him. I deserve to burn in hell for what I have done to such a wonderful man, but I can't help hoping that God will be merciful and that we will be reunited one day. This time I know I will do things differently. If it does happen, I just pray that Hawkeye can forgive me. I love him... I just wish I could tell him face to face. I will always encourage my kids to follow their heart. My only chance of redemption is to make sure that they never make the same mistake that I did... The mistake of giving up the best thing that could ever happen to anyone... Of giving up true love!

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