How am I ever going to be able to live with myself knowing that I killed the man I loved with all my heart? I may not have pulled the trigger that killed him, but I killed him just the same. To understand why I blame myself, you need to know the whole sorry story from the start.

The beginning of the story was when I accepted my commission as Armoury Officer aboard the Enterprise NX-01... Starfleet's premier starship and first Warp 5 vessel. I was proud to have been chosen, especially when I found out that the Captain had requested me. It was there that I met Commander Charles "Trip" Tucker III. I was physically attracted to him from the start, but when it came to work, we clashed a lot. At first I didn't really like him personally, but as I got to know him, I slowly fell for him. I never let on to him, but after being stranded in Shuttlepod One, we admitted out feelings to each other. Thus began the most amazing three months of my life.

Loving Trip was the easiest and hardest thing I have ever done. Easy because he was just such a wonderful, caring person, and hard because I had never opened myself so much to anybody before. We kept our relationship a secret from the other crewmembers at my instigation. Trip wanted to tell everyone, but I was unsure. Everything was going brilliantly until an away mission where I didn't do my job properly because I was distracted by thoughts of Trip. The result of this distraction was that one of the crewmembers was injured in an accident that was fully preventable if I had been paying attention. I then had to make a decision between love and duty. The relationship between Trip and I had broken a lot of regulations, and now I had proof as to why the rules were necessary. After a long, hard debate with myself, I chose duty.

Telling Trip that we had to end our relationship was the hardest thing I have ever done. It broke my heart to see him so devastated, especially as it was me causing him so much pain. He never tried to plead with me to change my mind as he knew me too well. It looked as if something had died within him, and it wasn't until later that I realised just how true my observation was. As he left I was already mourning the loss of our friendship, as I knew that we could never go back to being friends.

Over the next few weeks, we avoided each other as much as possible. We didn't speak except for work-related matters, but each time I saw him my heart broke further. It was obvious that he wasn't sleeping or eating properly. He looked gaunt and had dark circles under his eyes. Even so, I didn't change my mind. I thought I had made the right decision and that he would get over it eventually. I didn't realise that I had broken his spirit as well as his heart.

Five weeks after our break-up, we were on an away mission when the locals turned nasty. We had almost made it back to the shuttle when one of the locals had me dead in his sights. As the man pulled the trigger, Trip threw himself in front of me and took the full blast. He died instantly. I made sure that I took down the rest of the locals quickly, and then dragged Trip's body into the shuttle.

As soon as the shuttle had left the ground, I lost the last bit of control I had. I held Trip's body tightly and cried... Refusing to let go of my love even when we made it back to Enterprise. I was hurting so badly and nothing else mattered. Dr Phlox actually had to sedate me to make me let go. After coming around from the sedation, I was able to control myself better. I hid behind my emotionless mask, but inside I was an emotional wreck. I couldn't believe that he was gone... That I would never see him again.

That evening the Captain paid a visit to my quarters in order to drop off the letter that Trip had written for me in the event of his death. As soon as he had left, I read the letter and again lost control. The letter told me just how much I had broken the man I loved. In his letter he stated that he was glad that he was dead as he couldn't live without me. He hadn't been able to kill himself, but he'd known that an opportunity to end it all would appear during an away mission sooner or later. He tried to tell me that it wasn't my fault because he had known what I was like before he'd gotten involved with me. Of course that magnified my guilt. It was typical of Trip to try and lessen the guilt, but it didn't work. I know that it was completely my fault. I made a decision between love and duty, and I chose the wrong one.

I keep wishing that I could go back in time and do it all differently. I now find no pleasure in my job. I only eat because I am still responsible for the safety of the crew, and not eating would endanger them as I would be unable to perform at my best. I have tendered my resignation and it was accepted after I explained all to the Captain. I think he is glad to be rid of me now... After all it is my fault that he lost his best friend. I will carry out my duties until my relief has arrived. After that I have no idea. I will then have plenty of time to dwell on my mistakes. Because of me, the most beautiful person I have ever known is gone. I can't live without him any more. I am too much of a coward to take my own life, but neither will I fight if an opportunity arises once I am free of my duty. I deserve to suffer for what I have done. It is my stupidity that caused the whole situation, and I will never forgive myself. This pain I am feeling is my due, and even though I deserve it all, I can't help hoping for an end to it.

I love you Trip and wish that I could tell you that to your face, but I am never going to get that opportunity... And that is what hurts the worst of all... The fact that I have to live in a world without you in it... With no one to blame but myself.