i am brilliant. and ruthless. details to come. for now, i'm gone. it's party time.
happy new year, kids. catch you all on the other side.
28 December 2003 1520
i've been remarkably lazy about updating recently, especially considering that my main activity has been attempting to turn into an inanimate object (i went about this by moving as little as possible for long periods of time). Christmas with the family went off without a hitch, an amazing feat for the four of us. we even had dinner together and did a puzzle and watched that horrific piece of cinematography, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (i cried. much.) and other assorted Family Activities that we normally steer clear of. I got a shiny new stereo that i can use to break my windows and make the floors shake; i am very pleased with this. steven gave me the zoolander soundtrack, which in and of itself is not as entertaining as the movie, but since i can replay the entire film in my head, it has become background music to my hysterical laughter. "orange-mocha-frappa-chino!" "freak gasoline fire accident" "ugugoly" ... ahhh, i am so easily amused.
Anyways. i was trying to avoid bragging so shamelessly here, because i do it enough in my profile and in person and i'm really afraid that someone's going to beat me into humility sometime soon, but for christmas *i* got The World's Most Fucking Awesome Pair of Test Scores. PSAT: 240. SAT: 1590, with a perfect verbal 800. as a result, i got 8 marriage proposals, 4 requests to have children with me, 2 inqueries into purchasing my brain and dna, and 3 offers to pay me to take standardized tests for other people. and i haven't even started to get the mail from colleges who better want to pay me to come. damn, i sure am glad i didn't waste time studying or anything. (wow, the test score gods are going to hit me with a lightning bolt any day now... ) okay, okay, in all seriousness, i think i got Really Damn Lucky with those scores; i don't think i'm as brilliant as i like to pretend. but wow... national merit, here i come!
i got a pair of weird emails within an hour the other day, weird in that both sender's names were the last thing i ever expected to see, and they're such polar opposites that i'm surprised their emails could reside next to each other in my inbox without getting into a fistfight. they represent two entirely different halves of my life. i'm still reeling from the shock of the emails... i responded to one but am thinking on how i shall respond to the other... so if i seem out of it or confused or something, i blame it on this.
I got through the RDT show somehow, running sound this year instead of dancing. it was hard at first to see other people doing the dances i've wanted for years, but i know i'm not good enough to dance them the way they're meant to be danced. of course, most of the people in them were not good enough to dance them the way they are meant to be danced. i feel so sorry for bruce. he used to have an entire troupe of beautiful dancers, including the dynasty of the sara(h)s, and they graduated and left him and stopped dancing one by one and now he has... kile. but it was fun being not onstage. dancers are so much less difficult than actors, not as diva-like, and bruce carried on the most amusing running commentary, because every rude remark and pointed criticism was followed by "don't you DARE tell them i said that... promise? promise? promise! did they hear me over the headset? rachel, why are you laughing?" and he'd get all worried that his overprotected dancers would hear him making fun and get mad. he's so cute when he's worried.
wizard of oz went too, but not as pleasantly as the rdt show. anyone who saw it knows of what i speak. no matter, it is over, and for aida i won't be backstage with a bunch of incompetents. in fact, i don't think i'll do anything at all. i think i'll just hand them the cd at the beginning of tech week, walk out, and Not Do the show. that's a very attractive idea. if i miss another day of calc, ms albert might kill me. i got the Virus of Death right before christmas break... i don't recommend that one to anyone, it's not fun. there are better ways to miss three days of school, ways that do not involve feeling dead. i can't think of any, but i know they exist.
and having now thoroughly exhausted anything i have to say about the fairly uninteresting life i've led recently, i shall conclude this rambling update. merry christmas (or hannukah or kwanzaa or Generic Winter Holiday or whatever floats your boat) to all and to all a good night.
12 December 2003 2152
and the amazing thing about it all is that life just keeps going, keeps flying by in steady seconds, and trying to slow it down just makes it go by faster, and trying to stop it is utterly futile, and the only thing to do is to stop and marvel at the sheer speed of it all. and then come the realizations that everything that seems to be just a minute, a day, a week ago, is now so far in the past that it has become a fading memory in the minds of those who somehow are less appalled by the quickness and ferocity of it all. and it doesn't stop for anything, not tears, not revelations, not hitting rock bottom, not a second of pure bliss, no, every second of everything is carefully counted and then lost forever. and then things change and even the changes speed by so that such a momentous occasion is soon something that society would say should be accepted and put away, even though it still feels like a fresh wound. and i feel as though i'm standing in the same place and the world is blowing by me, ruffling my hair occasionally but leaving me for the most part unchanged, the same as i always have been, while everyone else seems to be maturing or developing or being not-static in Some way. and i'm just me and that used to be good enough but now i feel as though i'm always slipping backwards. i try to hold on but i can't, and then i try to go back and that makes it rush by twice as fast, because that's what living in the past does, it makes a person completely miss out on their present. and every time i get comfortable the rug is jerked out from under me and i have to keep running again, running against... i don't know what. but running. always just a step too slow, not quite fast enough to keep pace. and i want everything to go back to what it was, but i don't know what was so good about that anymore... just that i used to fit better, back before the world was moving so fast.
