one thousand words or more.

29 July 2006

I haven't decided yet if I am going to leave this up or not. we will see.

But, the thing is, I've just been up-rooted from my fourth or fifth (it's hard to keep track) semi-permanent home in the past six months and it's time again to take stock of things. I've been shuffled from DC down to an apartment in c-ville, where I'm not paying the rent but just sleeping. Not a whole lot of security in that, I'm not going to lie.

So, this summer I lived with my aunt and uncle. I feel like everyone should do that once; live with a pair of adults or a family who is not your own nuclear one, just to get a different perspective on love and marriage and the mechanics of a relationship. It sure is interesting moving into an already-estiablished household, though. Spend the first couple of weeks making sure you're not causing any waves in terms of household chores or presence when it's not required. Spend the next couple weeks realizing you haven't taking advantage of this precious time to get to know these people you will never again see so completely and openly. Come out understanding a whole different set of equations by which a pair of people can interact and thrive, and be better for it.

The central focus of all this transplantation and imposition was, of course, the internship. The hallowed internship, on Capitol Hill.

It was so much better than I ever suspected it could be.

I don't know how else to put it. I had busy work sometimes, and I loved it. I got up at six every morning, and I begged for more. I took notes until my fingers cramped and answered phone calls until I lost my voice, and I just kept trying. There was more, of course. Writing an invitation that went out to the whole house with my representative's name on it, attending briefings with cutting-edge information I never would have heard, listening to the joint session where Nuri al-Maliki addressed the United States Congress, in person. So many crazy experiences I never could have had otherwise. Watching Hilary Clinton, listening to Obama speak, being mentally undressed by Newt Gingrich while sitting in the second row of a hearing. Faxing Kenya. Meeting the ambassador from China and the ranking member of the Armed Services Committee. Standing on the Speaker's balcony and the floor of the House. With every "near-celebrity" encounter, it became more and more clear how much I obsess over and stalk these people. Let me tell you, I have seen how the government works, and it is not pretty. That is why I do not use the word "idolize." I do not use the word "admire." But I still have a perverse attraction to these politicians and in lieu of a better word, "stalk" will work.

I have learned so much this summer. I have learned about how government works, and when it doesn't. I have seen the smokescreens. I have witnessed the weaknesses. It's all completely plain to me now. I feel for those of you who have yet to realize how it is that our people's government actually runs. Don't ask me; I won't tell. I refuse to disillusion a person in that way unless they really and truly sign up for it, by working for such a government.

at the same time, I think I have become not less partisan but less easily incited about politics. I see what an emotional issue it is, and how unlikely I am to convince a person to change their opinion. If you can't change a mind, what's the use of arguing? That question, I asked myself over and over while on the phone with crazies who swore the President was personally out to get them, or that immigrants were spreading leprosy across the Western Hemisphere.

But with all the crazies, and all the smokescreens, and all the ridiculousness, I still realized one thing: This is such a flawed system right now that it forces me to want to come back. How can I watch something in such disarray and not want to fight it? I can't. I wouldn't be able to sleep at night. Now I know; now it is my responsibility. I will be back. I will fight, and most of the time I will lose. But occasionally I will win a fight that meant a lot and I will know that I am doing a positive thing, in a really big way, and that will make up for all the minutiae I have to put up with on a daily basis, and all the stupidity and all the assholish posing. It will make up for all the running in place and the time-wasting and all the time that all I do is make sure nothing bad happens instead of making anything good happen.

I will be back here. Maybe for the summer in two years. Maybe after I graduate. Maybe after grad school. Maybe a combination of the three. But DC, you have not seen the last of me. I came and I saw, and I was forever changed. Don't expect me to give up on you so easily.

I have never been so sure of anything in my life.

Whorehouse summer, Jalopie summer, Summer of Ill-Advised Lovin', GSIS, and Summer After Senior Year, step aside. You have been eclipsed by DC summer, the one where I realized that there is something bigger than myself, and that it is calling desparately for all hands on deck.

So now I have a purpose again. I've been without one for more than a year, floundering since I got UVa and the Jeff, wondering what to shoot for next. I know now. And narrowing my focus will help me do well, and keep me from going crazy. I know what I need to do and what I need to learn. Don't get in my way. No one ever has for long.

So, loves, let's beat against the current; and for once, forget the past.

11 June 2006 2304

Now, on to current business: the Tony Awards. I couldn't prevent myself from snide comments and my computer was just right here ... sooo easy to record in real time. Read, or don't. All you need to know really is that Hugh Jackman

(Hugh Jackman)

NOTE: I don't think anything I said is substantial enough to count as a spoiler, but just so we're clear, I MAY ruin something if you're Holly and you haven't watched it yet.

8:01 - hey, check out that sneer! Harry Connick Jr. could play Two Face all by himself!

8:04 - the 60 stars look kinda like they’re in a middle school musical, with the risers and the standing awkwardly. Also, gotta love the three people dancing while JuliAutomaton Roberts stands with her smile tacked on (no worries, she’s not the only one.)

8:09 - holy shit, did Frances de la Tour just thank the backstage people? She stammered and took a minute to get through it, which shows you how hard that is to actually get out of an actor, but WHOA. What a precedent. I like it.

8:16 - do I really need to say anything about what Chita Rivera is wearing? Probably not. But I’ll give you a hint – she could leave straight from here and go to a funeral and not need to change.

8:18 - Kathleen Marshall, stand up straight! It’ll make you look like you have boobs! It’s like magic!

8:22 - A TONY DRINKING GAME WHERE YOU TAKE A SHOT ANYTIME ANYONE SAYS THANK YOU? BRILLIANCE!!! That will produce a Drowsy Chaperone all right ... veryyy nice lead in. “Mixups, mayhem and a gay wedding,” let me at it!

8:26 - “I don’t wanna change keys no more!!”

8:27 - oh Michael Cerveris, hold me again.

8:28 - I always feel like a sellout admitting this, or like someone picking up on Rent last fall, but oh how I adore A Chorus Line and I would love to see it onstage as opposed to just the movie where they get the whole point of “What I Did for Love” wrong, which will apparently never stop bothering me.

8:31 - PS, a car that starts at $36000 is not a car. It’s a small one-bedroom.

8:32 - I. Love. Paul. Rudd.

8:33 - Not so much of a fan of Tim Rice quotes, but I LOVE that Paul Rudd cannot read the prompter. He is sooo adorable. That made the Tim Rice reference bearable.

8:34 - good, the award was close enough for him to read. I am beginning to wish that I had seen The Drowsy Chaperone. The performance was, to use a pretentious critic word, enchanting, the book just won the award, and the writers are too cute - I am loving this acceptance speech.

8:36 - It’s taken me a while to wonder this but, who precisely is the host here? I thought it would be Harry Connick, and I was quite happy about this although I left my heart with Hugh Jackman, but this seems to be pretty thesisless.

8:40 - I MET NEIL PATRICK HARRIS. And Joanna Gleason just had the first non-eyesight-caused ad-lib of the show – “Sweeney Todd was the half-mad – HALF? Three quarters.”

8:40 - I am currently attending the tale of Sweeney Todd.

8:49 - Rosie Perez has an amazing accent – it sounded just plain Spanish, and then there was an awesome New York mangling of the words all of the sudden.

8:52 - John Doyle won the Director of a Musical award for Sweeney and apparently also designed the costumes and set ... which appear to be incredibly minimalistic if they were accurately represented in their performance. I was going to say something else, and then John thanked Stephen Sondheim and I gave the TV adoring googly eyes and forgot.

8:53 - Joe Peschi has an entourage like whoa.

8:54 - WAIT NO IT’S THE ORIGINAL FOUR SEASONS. Okay, that’s cool.

8:55 - and a very nice segue way into Jersey Boys. You’re just too good to be true ....

8:56 - as a side note, I wonder if the remaining of the 60 stars are still standing on those risers. It didn’t look like there were 60 free seats on the floor ...

8:57 - Feedback? You kidding?

9:05 - Harvey Fierstein: “A gay man’s work is never done.”

9:06 - oh my god his voice scares me every time. I always forget to brace myself.

9:06 - BEN VEREEN I LOVE YOU SO.

9:07 - anyone notice how all the shows in these 60 glorious years HAD A HOST? Yeah. That would help right about nowww. We are thesisless and floundering.

9:09 - Kristen Bell! V.Mars is on the Tony’s! She was in Adventures of Tom Sawyer which I completely did not know. Nor did I know that Mark Twain was buried in New York. I am learning all kinds of things.

9:10 - The reports of Hal Holbrook’s death have been greatly exaggerated.

9:11 - Kristen Bell is so perfectly adorable, don’t you just want to eat her with a spoon?!?

9:13 - they just played “Cabaret” for Molly Ringwald’s entrance. I want to jump off of something really tall. Did she get fat?

9:14 - okay, here we go with The Wedding Singer. It’s 80’s-tastic. There will be a disco ball at my wedding, or several.

9:15 - I am obsessed with the hair, the ruffles, the cupcake dresses, and the Van Halen references. And, love’s what he does, people. (love MEEE)

9:18 - please stop trying to entice me with your “Still to Come – JULIA ROBERTS” exclamations.

9:20 - Mother just announced that Chita Rivera is starring in ... Chita Rivera. But of course.

9:27 - oh honey, don’t run, they’re not gonna take it away. Beth Leavel, ladies and gentlemen.

9:28 - hm, The Drowsy Chaperone was written for a bachelor party. Were the actresses going to be naked?

9:30 - I am not sure that Alan Cumming could look creepier than he does right now. Cyndi Lauper wearing garters is not really helping my overall comfort level either.

9:32 - I feel sacrilegious saying this, but Cyndi is totally singing slash looking like Bernadette.

9:42 - it has come to my attention that there is a song called “Mack the Knife” that is about a shark and I must immediately remedy this situation. Sharks + singing = toothy goodness.

9:43 - [scene: an Avenue Q puppet is presenting.]“Hi, I’m Rob. I’m a puppet, and I’m also a Republican.” “A Republican puppet? That rings a bell.” ::thunderous applause and laughter::

9:44 - This puppet has an unhealthy obsession with Alan Cumming. I guess I can understand? But not really. Only if they’re talking about Hugh Jackman. 9:47 - I really like that they have tiny scenes from all of Hal Prince’s major musicals lined up on the front of the stage. Little microcosms of goodness.

9:48 - HOLY SHIT 20 Tonys? Hal Prince has 20 Tonys.

9:49 - And some serious bags under his eyes.

9:50 - It’s too bad they didn’t tell the Phantom what part of the song they cut out of tonight’s performance. That was weirdly short and not impressive.

9:51 - They just mentioned Julia Roberts again. Shoot me.

9:52 - preview for Dreamgirls!! Christmas!

9:56 - Okay, I had to take a break to get some birthday cake. Yummm confetti icing.

9:58 - Rock on, Cynthia Nixon. And, uh, way to wear white without a bra. But seriously, I really respect her. I’m just not looking at her chest right now.

9:59 - She is the second person I have noticed who thanked the crew! And she just called herself a theatre junkie. My adoration is redoubled.

10:00 - And Julia Roberts is here. All of her. I can see like 87% of her body. “I just want to take this opportunity to say that you people are ... insanely talented .... people.” Way to take it away, Julia.

10:02 - Richard Griffiths, that is a good point. I have never been able to address 6,000 human beings with one sweep of my arm. I think I would like to make that my goal.

10:04 - Masquers almost did The Pajama Game one year. Instead, they did State Fair. I think that’s when I quit Masquers.

10:05 - Harry Connick Jr. is back! Excuse me, I need a minute.

10:06 - No, baby, I love you more. 10:08 - The dance break kinda looks like grown up ShowKids. but I’m still basically in love with this performance.

10:17 - Rita Wilson is making her Broadway debut tomorrow in Chicago? Seriously, guys, if no one wants to play Roxie, CLOSE THE SHOW. Oh the pain. (Perhaps she will be good. But, just for the record, Roxie should be hott, and Rita in this dress? Not hott. Okay. I’m done.) 10:19 - Well, with Kelli O’Hara and Harry Connick, Jr., is it really any wonder that Pajamaa Game won? Jodi is significantly bitter about this revival, but I’m fine with this.

10:20 - James Earl Jones just informed us that he lets us live with him and eat his food because we’re his son, not because he likes us. Well, that’s how my house works, anyway.

10:22 - This tribute to Wendy Wasserstein is making me wish I knew her work better. Cynthia Nixon just did a paragraph from I believe The Heidi Chronicles and it was amazing. I think I will look into her.

10:27 - Not that this is relevant, but the commercial for the Pizza Hut Dippin’ Strips pizza kinda makes me never want to eat again.

10:29 - “If a play isn’t worth dying for, maybe it isn’t worth writing.”

10:30 - I have realized too late that I should really not be watching this since it is making me want to spend all my money to go to New York and buy tickets for EVERYTHING, possibly starting with The History Boys, the entire cast and crew of which just trouped onstage to receive their award.

10:34 - I don’t have much to say about The Color Purple except that Oprah’s stamp of approval should make it fly off shelves.

10:44 - Playing Sunset Blvd. for Glenn Close. Oh ALW, it’s as if we never said goodbye.

10:45 - And the best actor is John Lloyd Young. He is so clearly the crowd favorite – I swear I just saw a high five, and everyone is shaking hands and I do believe that is at least a 15% standing ovation he just got. I have got to see Jersey Boys or at least buy the cast recording. And he’s even got a heartbreaking acceptance speech. The total award-winner package. I am okay with Michael Cerveris not winning because he won for Assassins, and we needn’t be greedy.

10:47 - BERNADETTE IT’S BERNADETTE!!!

10:48 - I am possibly the most interested in the Best Leading Actress in a Musical award because it’s got Sutton Foster, Patti LuPone and Kelli O’Hara, all of whom are so amazing and impressive. And, okay, Chita Rivera.

10:49 - And, whoa, none of them won. LaChanze? A one-name star ... on Broadway? This ain’t hip hop, honey.

10:53 - Jodi: Obviously, something is very wrong this year.

10:55 - Julie Andrews was just introduced as a legend. I do not at all disagree. 10:56 - I am somewhat surprised that The Drowsy Chaperone started off the night so well and then faded off, but I’m not gonna lie, I really want to see Jersey Boys, and with the limited knowledge I have I don’t think this award is misplaced. So congratulations to them.

10:59 - Julie Andrews told me to come to New York and see a Broadway show. Buying plane tickets ... now.

And that's our show, folks.

11 May 2006 0408

Almost a year ago, we all sat in the field or on the stage surrounded with the people we'd spent the last four years with and being tearfully watched by the people we'd spent our whole lives with, and we listened to four speeches and our own inner monologue and the advice of everyone telling us that this is it, our lives would never be the same after this point.

Now, maybe it was there in the subtext or between the lines, or maybe they just weren't quite phrasing it properly, but that wasn't some cataclysmic change in and of itself really, I mean, I'd been waiting for years. So sure, it was the moment past which nothing would ever be the same again, but what they should have been saying is, past this point, nothing is constant. The dynamics of and focus of your life will ebb and flow. You will be continuously uprooted from rooms and classes and activities and geographical areas as soon as you were starting to get used to them. You will never spend more than four months on any one activity. Whichever transient environment you choose to label as your home will be completely unrecognizable each time you return. You will never spend two consecutive summers in the same manner. And you must be constantly searching for something new to excel at. Never be satisfied with the status quo. Push for change always.

Every time you walk away, you are leaving something behind you forever.

and that's just something you're going to have to get used to.

I really wish I'd had that warning.

29 April 2006 1545

I am studying for finals.

Geez, I guess I learned something this semester after all!

Okay, summer schedule real fast before I go back to learning the development of the judicial interpretation of the 4th amendment:

May 11: Last final, end Year One
May 13 - May 21: Beach Week!
May 21 - someone drives me to TN: in Charlottesville watching graduation and generally chilling
May 23 ish - June 15: in the Ridge, except for excursions to Savannah, Alabama and possibly Kansas, and the road trip Ashleee and I are planning.
June 15 - July 27: DC, loving me some public policy and congressional internships
July 27 - December: Charlottesville for Jeff Scholars institute, RA training, and SECOND YEAR!

Now I study until the exclusionary rule drives me mad. ORHS: have FUN at prom. and remember to finish it. ;-)

21 April 2006 0422

I was in a meeting until two hours ago. Now, granted, it was the sort of meeting where the speeches people gave made me re-evaluate my life, but STILL. Meetings should not go past midnight unless they are, like, planning war tactics or something.

I've just been listlessly working on this lab, also kinda downloading last week's Gilmore Girls and catching up with my pledge pal, my ex-boyfriend, and my best-friend-who-lives-50-diagonal-feet-from-me-yet-i-have-not-seen-him-all-week-and-we-are-speaking-online-only.

I guess the stress is getting to everyone, because they all seem to be as happy to procrastinate at 4 in the morning as I am. It's like I don't even try to go to bed anymore. Seriously. I'm not even working quickly so I can finish and get some sleep. I think I've finally just adjusted to not ever having enough hours in the day, and being okay with that. If I work faster it'll only stress me out anyway. If I'm going to be sleep deprived, it's best that I be relaxed.

Looking forward to the weekend - 4th year Jeff banquet, inductions party, bid party, and Phi Delt formal. So, I get to dress up TWICE, go to one party that is themeless and just a good time, and go to one party where the theme is - and I picked - the Seven Deadly Sins. YESSSSS. I spent all of econ today doodling a badass pattern that interlocked the names of all of them - Greed, Sloth, Gluttony, Lust, Wrath, Envy and Pride if you were wondering - until I realized that the people on either side of me were staring. Whaaatever, I was planning my costume. And then I realized that I have to go straight there from formal, so I'll just be wearing a dress. Thus, I go as lust, or pride. I can't wait to see what other people come up with. I don't know who decided that APO parties would always have to be unique themes, but if you're going to party with the same 80 people every weekend it helps if there's always something new and ridiculous - like that one time the theme was washed-up celebrities and Trac and I were the Olson Twins ...

"Hey, man, you know how you're gay and all? Uh, me too."

17 April 2006 1549

My favorites are my friends because they can sense when I'm slipping before I do. I was wondering what I had left behind and wishing I hadn't lost people and then in truth I didn't lose anything and they're all still there. Between a hysterical online conversation last night and this novel I was somehow reminded that I could not ask for more.

I am in awe of the writing I have received. I struggle to understand things that are so easily comprehended and sympathetically described here. I have been sent a snapshot of a life that I will, like you said, make part of mine. I already have, a little bit. I learn more from you than you know.

"I am pretty close to wonder woman. Minus the whole sex icon part. I am a god."

17 April 2006 0852

I think I meant to start talking about faith in people, of which I usually have surprisingly little. Because last night, Ashleee reminded me she'll always be here, and why, even though I just didn't understand what it would take to be a good friend from seven hours away. She intuited that. And she needed reaffirmation the same night I did. Soulmates. <3 I am lucky.

I loved you before I met you and I met you just in time because there was nothing left.

17 April 2006 0146

I've been told derisively by people I have a great deal of respect for that my belief that religion is just about believing in something good is silly. Impractical to believe in things you can't see. Opiate of the masses, even. And sometimes, ever the practical and non-imaginative person I am, I wonder if I should doubt my na�ve surity that there is something bigger than us that makes this all worthwhile.

I never actually end up doubting it, though. I don't always, or often, go to church and sometimes I let myself down on that whole doing-good thing, but my faith is surprisingly resilient. And I almost put an appositive in that last phrase, so that it would have read "my faith, blind though it may be ..." but I changed it. If your eyes are open, faith isn't blind.

16 April 2006 0230

They�ve been rallying once a day, at 1 pm, on the lawn side of the Rotunda. I think they�re really pushing it right now because of all the prospectives visiting, in the hope that the University will try to pay them off to shut up. I legitimately have class at 1 pm each day, classes I convince myself I can�t skip, although I do. I receive emails on a bunch of chat lists for clubs and interest groups about flyering and chalking for living wage � meet at lawn room 37! If we get enough people we can cover grounds in half an hour! - and I always have something better to do, or I won�t know anyone there, or what good would one more person do?

I just can�t get as upset about this as some of my fellow students do. Economically, the living wage just doesn�t make sense. I mean, yes, our University does have a huge endowment, but we�re trying to compete with private schools. We want to break into the top fifteen nationally, never mind that the top fifteen includes only private schools, who have anywhere from double to twenty times the endowment of my school. How do you compete with that? By putting all your money into not cutting professors and departments even in light of ever-decreasing state funding, into increasing the draw of your school, which in turn increases selectivity, and peer effects, which then increases the draw more. But you have to get into this loop, and you don�t do that by paying your workers $1.72 that you don�t have to pay them.

I mean, I�ve heard arguments that are entirely against the living wage that say, well, supply and demand, if the wage increases then many of these workers are going to be out of a job. This is untrue. The labor market is fairly inelastic at the University. No matter how much we are paying per hour, we are still going to require the same number of hours to be worked to keep the floors clean, the gardens gorgeous, and the sub-par food served. It doesn�t help to hire fewer workers because we�re paying by the hour. So, no, paying a higher wage isn�t going to put people out of work. The thing is, though, we�re already paying way above the minimum wage. Is it really necessary for us to do more? It�s such an unsound operating model for us. We are never going to lose workers because we�re not paying the living wage � so why would we? $9.00 plus many benefits normal hourly workers don�t get is far beyond the call of any monopolistic employer.

And then I notice that I�m thinking these things and I just want to die I�m so ashamed. These are people�s lives and I would ignore the fact that single mothers with three children, who are even worse off than the two-parent-two-child model would suggest, have to work two and even three part-time jobs to support their struggling family. I would allow the sweet dyslexic lady who cleans my common room to leave here and go to another job where perhaps she is not working near grateful teenagers who always smile and say hello. It�s all well and good that economics gives me a realistic perspective from which to understand the world, but at the expense of my soul? When I�m thinking of it from the big picture, I just want to scream at them to quit and move if they don�t like it, because if they�re staying here then that means they�ve hit equilibrium and this is the best choice for them, relatively speaking. And then I realize that it�s the happy lunch lady who calls everyone �Baby� and �sugarpie� who may very well not be able to cover the entire cost of health insurance and is just hoping she doesn�t get sick. It makes me want to be sick.

But I guess that�s how everything is. Nothing really seems pressing or desperate or anything a reasonable person couldn�t rise above until it hits home. Just look at Nancy Reagan and Alzheimer�s and medical research.

The reason I�m thinking about this today is that they started a sit-in at the office of the President on Wednesday. Seventeen students inside, restricted to the carpet in the lobby, not allowed to have anyone bring them food. A tent city outside, with banners and signs galore. People videotaping, emailing, keeping track on webpages of the threats of the administration, pleading for more people to join the tent city because the only thing keeping the multiple police officers from arresting the seventeen was the crowd of observers.

And today they did arrest them. Seventeen students, dragged off to jail. For tresspassing, I guess, since the Hall was closed for the holiday weekend. I saw the pictures of them being dragged away and all I could think about was, don�t they know what they�re going to lose? I can�t get arrested � too much is riding on my staying out of trouble and on the good side of the Jeff foundation and the government and the University in general. Being arrested � so many of the doors I see open to me would just slam shut. And I don�t care about anything enough to do that.

I feel like a little bit, it�s become trendy here to protest the living wage, like we�re really doing something big. Like we really matter.

Thing is, if they get it, they will really matter. To a group of workers in a deceptively poor community, they will matter a lot.

Me, I�m going to sit here in my comfortable life. I�m going to evaluate the needs of others and rank them second to my own. And I�m going to hate myself all the while and wish more than anything that I had a cause that I believed in enough to fight for.

I remember running through the wet grass, falling a step behind."