That question got harder and harder to answer with every passing day. There was good, there was bad, there was ugly. Chris and I tried to break up, but it didn’t take. I’m sure I learned something, but I’m not sure what. Anyway, that almost-amicable end would have been an unfair demise for this explosive relationship. I demand at LEAST a high-speed car chase and a burning building. This was far too anti-climactic. Boring, even. We’ll do better next time. For now, though, it’s fun again and I’m happy. And, with a grand total of 3 Asians in attendance, Oak Ridge beat DB on Friday in my last ORHS home game ever.
But this week was determined not to let me get away unscathed. And it took its parting shots early this morning and with them took my great-grandmother. My adorable, inscrutable, determined grandmother. She’s really the only family my mother had left … and since I never knew my grandmother on that side, she’s never seemed like she was so many generations away. She’s just always been Grandmom, to all of us. I know this is better for her, because she hated nursing homes and there was simply nothing else we could do for her, and she was suffering, I know that. But I swear, the next person to say that to me gets smacked. Death is never hard for the one who goes, it’s hard for the ones left behind. So yes, this is better, she’s not suffering, and I’m able to see that, but that doesn’t really make it any easier.
Everything is worse with a guilt trip. At least Mother and Marguerite went to see her yesterday. I know my mother, and I know she never would have forgiven herself if she hadn’t seen her grandmother before she went. Unfortunately, I’m enough like her to not forgive myself either … how many times did Mother want to go to Russellville to the nursing home and how many times did I turn her down with complaints of homework, rehearsals, plans to hang out with Chris …? She warned me that I’d feel guilty, and I, the queen of no regrets, have proved her right. I guess screwing myself over is different than hurting other people; I can’t just shake it off like I do so many other things. I was her favorite. She gave me anything I ever asked for for years, until all her money had to go for the nursing home, and I don’t think she ever forgave herself for that, either.
She was something else. Divorced in a time when there was no divorce. Raised my vivacious grandmother by herself, a working single mother. Outlived her own daughter, and then had to raise her daughter’s children. And she did it, too, and with the most gorgeous and educated and proper southern accent I’ve ever heard. I didn’t ever appreciate how tough she really was when I was little; instead I just didn’t understand why I didn’t have a grandfather, why we had to take Grandmom to Ruby’s even though all she’d do was complain, why her apartment was so messy. She put up such a fight about the nursing home – she loved her independence as much as I love mine. And then for a while it was still okay: We could still take her out to eat, she would still complain and then take EVERYTHING home in a doggy bag, she still dragged my three-letter name into three syllables. But she was never happy. We went through three or four nursing homes with her, and I never liked a one of them. Neither did she. I guess I’ve known this was coming since that day that she didn’t recognize me. Me! That was really the first time I wanted to cry, the first time I really realized that she wasn’t coming back to us, that she was gone at all. And now it’s over.
So here’s to you, Grandmom. Here’s to bingo, southern accents, Disney movies, doting, pack rats, that wonderful gold purse, and the way your face lit up when your great-grandchildren were near. Here’s to how you were certain Beanie Babies were going to be worth enough to put me through college, and to that 6-pack of Bear Bryant Special Edition Coke that’s in our attic, and to your costume jewelry – it meant more to you than diamonds ever could have. I have it, you know. You didn’t lose it. It’s okay. Thanks for everything. I love you.
And there it is. Not earth-shattering by any measure, but the death of this woman who devoted herself so entirely to her grandchildren and great-grandchildren has hit us hard.
Looks like I’m going out of town for Thanksgiving after all – that, at least, I won’t begrudge her.
Harriet Shaw Crump, June 12, 1914 – November 21, 2004. Beloved Grandmother.
May angels lead you in.
Been meaning to post about everything awesome since Thursday, but kept getting distracted. And then Awesome just kept piling up, so it's a good thing I waited. Here, then, are the Reasons I Love Everything:
1. 36!! Standardized testing, owned. And Ben owes me lunch for being Just As Awesome as he is. Thanks, ACT.And with that, I go off to conquer MEH and Bio with supreme confidence that I, in fact, can totally take them.2. I should have gotten to take the FERMAT II! They scored the tests wrong! I feel SO much better now, and Mrs. Albert said she'd make sure I got a FERMAT I Winner t-shirt. Oh, and I have to go take a makeup FERMAT on a chilly December morning for my shot at the UT scholarship against the 7 others who were left out, and I don't even want it, but that's fine by me, because I'm NOT stupid!! I was so worried that for once, people had actually overestimated me.
3. Holly's Cut was fantastic, and then we took turns comforting each other during Saw (Yeah, Saw. Wish I hadn't.), as she's afraid of clowns and I'm afraid of Everything Else. Including mood music, sudden movements, and flashes of light. Jaysus.
4. The yellow rose may LOOK like the symbol of friendship, but it is so much more than that. Friendship, yes, but also Texas and Infidelity. What could be more perfect for Holly? That's what I thought. Even better when wrapped in the tissue paper from the new Victoria's Secret underwear that I got when
5. Shopping with Ashley! Actually, just Ashley in general. Though when wading across her room tonight I think my foot got bitten by something. I thought I wasn't going to make it. But she pulled me out of the quagmire next to the dressing-table and I fell not ungracefully onto the safety of her bed and we both sat there tangled up in laughter for several minutes.
6. Cush and I spent about 4 hours accomplishing next-to-nothing on our psych picture book, and finally slapped a pink construction paper cover on it, wrote the title in bleak sharpie marker, and called it a day. Best part? We'll still get an A. I love Psychology.
7. Driiiiiving. I love I-40 at midnight. But I love Clinton Highway at midnight even more.
8. Auburn Tigers: 10-0. Orange Bowl, anyone?
9. Now I have to get sappy - I've realized several times over the past couple of weeks that I have the best damn friends anyone could ask for. H, A, B, C, K, M, S - I'd take a bullet for any one of you, with a smile on my face. I'd say that I should try to not forget so often how awesome you all are, but every time I remember, it makes me giggle and grin like a little kid. Thanks, Wonderful(s).
10. That unmistakeable glow that I haven't had for the past several months that I plan to have on a regular basis from now on. You know of what I speak. It's been too long.
"You told me no regrets."
"None. Carry on."
Name: Joyce Lillian A rcangeli
Birthday: 9 June 1987
Gender: female (you know gender's really only for words any anytime you're talking about people you should say Sex? yeeeah that's right.)
Birth Place: Opelika, AL
Location: Da Ridge
School: ORHS ... and at the moment, not proud of it.
Siblings: Steven
If so how many: Just the one, thank goodness.
Hair Color: Brown
Eye Color: Blue-Green?
Skin Tone: Ghost-like (what happened to those Italian genes, anyways?!?)
Grades: Oh honestly.
>>WHICH FRIEND IS MOST LIKELY TO...<<:
Get Married First:: I so cannot picture any of us married. Ever.
Be Smart:: Jing. Or Nick. Or 'Caust.
Get a Job First: ? Does Fazoli's count?
Not be your friend: I'm afraid that answering this question could lead to sudden death. Sometimes honesty is not the best idea.
Be Rich: Mark. Oh wait. Present tense.
Succeed A LOT: One of them Asians w/their crazy work ethics.
Get a Tattoo First: Ashleeee. Or me.
Be CRAZY: That would be my darling Ceo.
>>FAVORITE<<
Color:: Blue. and black.
Food:: Anything Italian ... mmmm, bread, pasta, tomato sauce ...
Ice Cream:: Mint Chocolate Chip
Fast Food:: God's House of Chicken
Restaurants:: Cantarito, Betty's, Melting Pot
Store:: Urban Outfitters
Hair Style:: I want Helen's hair, dammit.
Book:: Ender's Game, Cat's Cradle, Le Petit Prince, The Cider House Rules, Hitchiker's Guide Trilogy, The Power and the Glory, The Great Gatsby, The Outsiders
Movie:: Mean Girls, Garden State, The Princess Bride, Moulin Rouge
Song:: At the moment? "Always Someone Cooler than You" - Ben Folds
Name:: Emila, John
Make-Up:: That hott-tacular pink sparkly stuff Holly painted on Twist and Shout for Whorehouse
>>THIS OR THAT<<
TV or Radio:: TV. Can I have cable, though, please?
Pepsi or Coke:: No thank you
Sirra Mist or 7up:: No thank you
Dr. Pibb or Dr.Pepper:: I'm telling you, I don't drink soda
Internet or Phone:: Internet, so I can multitask. Unless I really want to talk to the one person.
Best Friends or Boy/Girl Friends:: Boyfriends who ARE best friends (oh, in the real world? Best friends, always.)
Theater or DVD:: TheatRE, thank you.
To be Loved or Loved by:: I'm not sure I understand what the question is here.
Shave or Natrual:: It amuses me how different people have interpreted this question.
Innie or Outty:: Innie
Lefty or Righty:: Righty
Internal or External Pain:: External. The scars heal quicker.
>>YES OR NO<<
Do Drugs:: There was that Advil addiction ...
Had Sex:: I like to leave you guys guessing.
Cut Yourself:: nope, but I do have this awesome scar from that run-in w/the iron ... and the one from the screw gun ... and the one from the attic ... I should really be more careful.
Drink:: 6 shots of tequila with salt and lime, please.
Drive:: yup, right into fire hydrants and other inanimate objects.
Loved:: Sometimes I wonder.
Kissed Someone:: Yup.
Had or have a Boyfriend:: All of the above
Cheated on someone:: That's despicable.
Someone cheated on you:: Uh-huh. I'd be bitter, except I've really played that guilt trip out for all it's worth.
Divorced:: I'm hoping never.
Straight:: Yes
Gay:: No
>>LAST TIME YOU...<<
Watched TV:: The UT game, so Saturday
Hugged:: my momma when she looked all sad and stuff after dinner
Talked on the phone:: Half an hour ago w/Sewell
Left the House:: Well, I checked the weather about 10 minutes ago ... in case anyone was wondering, it's dark and cold. But I actually LEFT to go play with Ashleee for a while earlier.
Had a Boy/Girl Friend:: Right now?
Seen a friend:: When Ashleeee came over today
Drank:: hmmm
Smoked:: Man, I miss the smell of cloves.
Cried:: In the last couple of weeks. Probably day-before-Halloween-ish.
>>WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU<<
Did:: Silly rabbit, I can't tell you that.
Hugged:: Mother
Love[d]:: jrg
Kissed:: Chris
Talked with:: Sewell
Shook Hand:: "Holly's Gay Fiance." Weirdest. Introduction. Ever.
Drove with:: Cush
Hung out with:: Ashley
Dated:: Chris
Cried For:: Chris
Hit:: I'm honestly not sure.
Instant Messaged:: K eiran
Favorite Place To go:: NYC
Are you Popular:: notsomuch.
>>HAVE YOU EVER...<<
Been in Jail:: No, but I hear it's just like summer camp! (Thanks, James)
Ditched School:: shopping!!!
Broke a Bone:: My wrist. I don't think it healed right, either.
Wanted to Die:: Some weeks there's an awful lot of thought about the double yellow line. But not really.
Failed a Class:: I had an F in US History once, and getting that letter was awesome!! It was up on my fridge for months.
Wished You were in Someone else’s Life:: No, never. I love Me.
Wished on a Shooting Star:: Of course. I need that irrational hope now and then.
Embarrassed yourself:: Probably about fifteen seconds ago, I dunno. That shit just rolls off me.
>>RANDOM QUESTIONS<<
I want:: to be done with all this college shiite
I wish:: I've learned to be really careful what I wish for, because I get it entirely too often.
I am:: kinda unsettled about a couple of things right now, but generally pretty damn happy.
I have:: the best pink fuzzy slippers in the world.
HAVE YOU EVER. . .
drank something alcoholic?: Who, me?
dyed your hair an unnatural color?: nope
pierced something?: Just my ears (and not until I was 14, either, I'm so scared of needles!)
given someone a love note in person?: Well, once upon a time, I got one written in calligraphy and sealed with wax ... but no, I've never given one.
kissed someone who didn’t know that you liked them?: Hard as it is to believe, I think the answer is no.
been kissed by someone you didn’t know liked you?: yeah
kissed a friend?: Of course.
cried over a friend?: Yes.
confessed into liking a friend?: I don't think that's proper grammar. But yes.
L<3ve and Jxnk
single-taken: Taken
got a crush?: Uh-huh
what’s their name?: Chriiiistopher
what do they look like?: Asian
are they nice?: Of course.
sweet?: Yup.
smart?: Yes (check out them SAT scores)
unique?: An Asian from the boonies who plays beautiful violin, obsesses over sports, esp UT, has a southern accent, and is Republican? Are you fucking kidding me?
do you believe in love: Yes
do you think love is useless: I want to say yes, sometimes, but I have a feeling the answer is no.
do you believe in love at first sight: I don't believe in falling in love at first sight but I believe you can know that there's something different and important there immediately.
what do you look at first when you meet someone?: Smile, eyes, hands
DO YOU BELIEVE IN..:
God?: Most days.
Satan?: Not really.
ghosts: ____ used to tell me he saw them. I always wondered after that. But I'm so practical, it's hard.
vampires: heehehe Tom Cruise makes a sexy one
witchcraft: nope (but Cat's wicca candles backstage during H2$ were too real for my comfort)
magic: no. I can't ever figure out Chuck's tricks, though.
life after death? Apparently, Sewell's flying the plane to hell, and I'll meet you kids there.
that people live an after life in the body of an animal?: That's not really my style.
that things happen because of the way the stars and planets are positioned?: No. They sure are pretty, though.
that the stars/planets can align against someone?: kinda feels like it some weeks, doesn't it.
that people can seem dead inside even though they aren’t literally dead?: Yes
still loving someone after they die?: Yes
THIS OR THAT:
gold or silver: Silver
life or death: Ooh, I know this one ...
love or hate: I always do need someone to conspire against ... but love
black n white or colored: Color
digital or film: Piiiictures
books or movies: Movies are too hard for me. My attention span can't take it. Gimme a book any day
courier or veranda?: wtf? The fonts? Does anyone actually care?
quiet or loud and noisy?: Depends on my mood
corners or the middle of a room?: Again, depends on my mood.
fish or meat?: Chocolate?
center of attention or not?: Yes, please. But I'll share. Kinda.
talking or listening ?: Can there not be a little of both? I hate hate HATE doing all of one or the other. The art of conversation is more dead than Latin, apparently.
taking advice or giving it?: Take my advice, I don't use it anyways.
Well, that was quite a waste of time. My only comfort is that now I have wasted your time as well, so we are partners in that, uh, travesty. Which apparently can be used as a verb. For example, take my sentence that I wrote for the vocab quiz today: "T ravis F latt travestied my FAVORITE book with his disastrously directed The Outsiders." Not that I'm still bitter. PONYBOY.
Oooh almost forgot!
And there were so many fewer questions when stars were just holes to heaven.
Actually, I'd like to venture a guess as to what has caused this, if I may use a vocab word, travesty. I mean, when Bush came into office - was not elected, let us note, but selected - he had One-Term President written all over him! What happened in the following 4 years that gave him ... another four? "John Kerry's an elitist!" I was told. "He can't represent the people." If Bush is undeniably dumb, Kerry is apparently too smart, too rich, too successful. It's atrocious that we've become so used to our warm and fuzzy culture, where no-one gets left out and no-one is too celebrated, to say, dammit, I WANT an intelligent, well-spoken, slightly detached president! Because honestly, the Commander-In-Chief of the most powerful nation in the world SHOULD be just a little better than everybody else. But we're addicted to mediocrity, and therefore, America, congratulations, for you have elected one of your own.
Buck up, it's not all bad. Even Michael Moore, terminal extremist, has come up with reasons that we should all live through the next four years (read 'em, they'll make you smile. And if that's not enough, it should be inspiring that people can still think clearly enough to make videos like this. So, we lost this time, but it's been a week and it's about time for everyone to stop bitching and start fighting again. Hatch, damn you. (I know, I know.)
I think the Jesus Penis video is a good lead-in to the fact that the ORHS student council VOTED DOWN the GSA charter in its meeting on Friday, and 10 minutes later chatered the Modern Homemakers Club. I'm sorry, I though Oak Ridge was supposed to be the outpost of rationality in Tennessee ... what the fuck was that?! Guys, it's not bringing immorality into the school ... if you think that being gay or talking about issues affecting gays and lesbians is immoral, all you're doing right now is suppressing that "immorality," and trust me, you're not going to like it when it comes to a boil. If they want to discuss, who are you to tell them they can't!? That's the thing I hate the most - when people feel that they can make better decisions for others, like the others are impaired or naive or in some way inferior. I take only minimal comfort in the fact that Eugenio, Mikey and I were in the front row yelling our lungs out, as though it were a rally and not a meeting in a frigid cafeteria. Wonder how Mr. Senter liked that.
Guess some people just have to learn everything for themselves. Whatever, I'm leaving anyways.
Into the Woods was spectacular, SO much better than I thought it would be. Joan was beautiful, Jay was wonderfully vague, Kaitlin was, as always, beautiful of face but vile and black of heart. It's really such a wonderful show. You didn't ruin it for me after all, though I was afraid that you had. Still couldn't make it through the damn song without big tears, though. Don't guess I ever will. Oh well, I've always known that there are some things I will simply never forget. But oh! the end, when the entire cast turns to the audience: "Careful the wish you make, wishes are children. Careful the path they take, wishes come true, not free..." Even if I'd actually had to pay to get in, it would have been worth it. As it was, of course, I got to be paraded around and announced as "Holly's Daughter" or "A Perfect Hybrid of Holly and Joan" and consequently got much more attention than I deserve. All y'all in the show, I'm sorry it wasn't as much fun as you wanted it to be, but jesus god thank you for doing it anyways. I needed it.
Now, of course, I have a show of my own to wrestle with. Why, why do I always?! Ugh, and it's the Thanksgiving musical, too. I will always remember Wizard fondly as the show that managed to stamp out all traces of affection between me and Ben ... oh wait, did I say fondly? I meant with irritation and disgust. Anyways, if STL tries that shit, I'ma smack it around and show it who's boss. None of this making me part walking zombie, part psychobitch, part completely not there at all. I simply will not stand for it. It's Tony's last show, and I'm doing it with Dustin, and dammit, not even the Jew is going to rain on this parade. That's a promise.
Oooh! Time to go Ashley's Closet Shopping!! And then I should attack this bio ... and when I get bored, I'll come back and play some more.
"And you're back again, only different than before."
Appropriately, the physics lecture today was on conservative forces (in red) and non-conservative forces (in blue). As I and Owen are the democratic island in the sea of Ethan, Kevin, Andy, and who knows who else, that was rather a good time. Man, I've got the front-and-center desk in Fisiks again because I just can't shut up long enough for her to get a word in edgewise. I loved that seat in the back ... I could kick back, do some homework, chill out ... But honestly, it's not like putting me in the front stops me from talking ... I'm with OWEN for crying out loud. I'd talk to Randy if he was my only option. Vectors and newtons are just not fascinating enough to hold my attention for 53 minutes. But from the glares she gave me today, I strongly suspect that my next seating assignment will be out in the hallway, where I will finally not have anyone to gossip with.
Speaking of gossip, I'm sick of it. Get out of my goddamn business. If I want you to know something, I'll tell you. If you hear a rumor that I've been fighting for longer than I can remember, don't PERPETUATE it. Jesus. Some people are too stupid to live. Mark is right; we should have a voter's competency test. It goes against most things that I stand for, but what I saw in the voter's line today makes me cringe to know that they're choosing our next leader and I can't do a damn thing (stupid late birthday.). And that's the Oak Ridge voting booth! Everyone who walked through the auditorium lobby got the once-over for political material - David had to wear a jacket backwards over his Kerry shirt, Sarah had to take off her Tennessee Democrat sticker ... honestly, anyone who takes the time to register and then make it all the way to the polls knows who they're going to vote for in the national election. They're not going to say, oooh! Sticker!! Better go Democratic. Also, the people checking us for political signs were completely ignoring the woman parading the massive Bush/Cheney sign right outside the door. Whatever.
I changed my mind. Everyone who's voting, keep right on voting. You may not know a damn thing, but you CARE. I can't stand it when people can vote and don't, especially since I'd really love the chance to have my say. Obviously my one vote really wouldn't make a difference, but it's the principle. Who decided that 18 is the magic age for being able to express an opinion, anyways? I know plenty of teenagers who are informed and intelligent - and who care - and plenty of adults who are ridiculously apathetic. I suppose there's always next time.
Seemingly related, but actually on a completely different subject is the following Conclusion: "I don't know" is the most disgraceful phrase in the English language, or in any language. "Je ne sais pas" ... just rolls off the tongue, doesn't it? Horrible. We're given all this free will, all these options, the intelligence to understand the impact our choices make and ... "I don't know"? What a waste. Pick a restaurant, a direction, a damn ice cream flavor. Pick an opinion, make a decision. CARE. WANT something. And hell, if you don't like it, pick something else. But you have to start somewhere. Continued apathy is unacceptable.
Oh, for an interesting tale of the effects of combining Stupid and Bad Luck, you should ask what Jennifer and I got ourselves into last weekend. I've had an interesting couple of weeks, but the upside of that is that people have had plenty of chances to add themselves to the list of People For Whom I'd Walk Through Fire. Just when membership was beginning to drop off, there was a surge of Heroism (thanks, Joe! And Kevin!). Ben, as always, deserves a shout-out for his general Awesomeness, this time for sending me chocolate because I was having a bad day. From Cali. Yeah, you wish your ex-boyfriend was so wonderful. (Irony is ....) However, I think Mother has eaten more of it than I have. So selfish. And she keeps pulling that "hey, do you want us to pay for college or not?" trick. That isn't fighting fair.
Speaking of college ... yeah. I know where I want to go now, and I'll fight like hell to get to go there, even if I don't get the scholarship. This sudden surity has really calmed me down (though all outward appearances may not look like it). All the other apps are just fluff at this point, though I'm not going to slack off on any of them ... that's just asking for a clean sweep of rejection letters. And no one wants that. I'll be so glad when this is over, and then we can all sit back and bite our nails until April.
Oh! I should note mine and Holly's One Year Anniversary Of Talking And Being Nice About It. Yes, this requires a celebration, because it's impressive that two people like ... well, like us, could ever click. Also, we certainly didn't get off on the right foot. (Thanks, Nick. Yeah, I'm talking to you. Heh.) I love you, Roo.
Looks like it's about time for me to go glue myself to the teevee from now until early December. Good game, y'all ... we'll all be friends in the morning, right? Right?!?
Okay, let's do this thing.
"I see you're washing your unmentionables."
"Yeah, do you know what gets out Kahlua and grass stains?"
