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©
2001 Secrets
All rights are ours so don't...
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The Laws of Anime is a growing list of physical,
universal, and natural phenomenon that seem to appear in various forms in all
sorts of anime. The original intent was an effort to classify these incidents
into a list of "laws" that explained how Anime physics are different
from our own (real?) world. Due to the rather dynamic nature of Anime Science,
theories and paradigms are generally in a state of constant flux, often
shifting or changing with the tide of whimsy. By no means all-inclusive and
sometimes not even remotely instructive, the following is an enumerated list
of semi-empirical islands in an ocean of conjecture. It is our hope that you
find them useful to studying Anime, or at the very least, worth a good
chuckle.
- #1 - Law of Metaphysical Irregularity
The normal laws of physics do not apply.
- #2 - Law of Differentiated Gravitation
Whenever someone or something jumps, is thrown, or otherwise is
rendered airborne, gravity is reduced by a factor of 4.
- #3 - Law of Sonic Amplification, First Law of Anime
Acoustics
In space, loud sounds, like explosions, are even louder because
there is no air to get in the way.
- #4 - Law of Constant Thrust, First Law of Anime Motion
In space, constant thrust equals constant velocity.
- #5 - Law of Mechanical Mobility, Second Law of Anime
Motion
The larger a mechanical device is, the faster it moves. Armored
Mecha are the fastest objects known to human science.
- #6 - Law of Temporal Variability
Time is not a constant. Time stops for the hero whenever he
does something 'cool' or 'impressive'. Time slows down when friends and lovers
are being killed and speeds up whenever there is a fight.
- #7 - First Law of Temporal Mortality
'Good Guys' and 'Bad Guys' both die in one of two ways - either
so quick they don't even see it coming, OR it's a long drawn out affair where
the character gains much insight to the workings of society, human existence
or why the toast always lands butter side down.
- #8 - Second Law of Temporal Mortality
It takes some time for bad guys to die... regardless of
physical damage. Even when the 'Bad Guys' are killed so quickly they didn't
even see it coming, it takes them a while to realize they are dead. This is
attributed to the belief that being evil damages the Reality Lobe of the
brain.
- #9 - Law of Dramatic Emphasis
Scenes involving extreme amounts of action are depicted with
either still frames or black screens with a slash of bright color (usually red
or white).
- #10 - Law of Dramatic Multiplicity
Scenes that only happen once, for instance, a 'Good Guy' kicks
the 'Bad Guy' in the face, are seen at least 3 times from 3 different angles.
- #11 - Law of Inherent Combustibility
Everything explodes. Everything.
First Corollary -
Anything that explodes bulges first.
Second Corollary -
Large cities are the most explosive substances known to human
science. Tokyo in particular seems to be the most unstable of these cities,
sometimes referred to as "The Matchstick City".
- #12 - Law of Phlogistatic Emission
Nearly all things emit light from fatal wounds.
- #13 - Law of Energetic Emission
There is always an energy build up (commonly referred to as an
energy 'bulge') before Mecha or space craft weapons fire. Because of the
explosive qualities of weapons, it is believed that this is related to the Law
of Inherent Combustibility.
- #14 - Law of Inverse Lethal Magnitude
The destructive potential of any object/organism is inversely
proportional to its mass.
First Corollary -
Small and cute will always overcome big and ugly. Also known
as the A-Ko phenomenon.
- #15 - Law of Inexhaustibility
No one *EVER* runs out of ammunition. That is of course unless
they are cornered, out-numbered, out-classed, and unconscious.
- #16 - Law of Inverse Accuracy
The accuracy of a 'Good Guy' when operating any form of
fire-arm increases as the difficulty of the shot increases. The accuracy of
the 'Bad Guys' when operating fire-arms decreases when the difficulty of the
shot decreases. (Also known as the Storm trooper Effect) Example: A 'Good Guy'
in a drunken stupor being held upside down from a moving vehicle will always
hit, and several battalions of 'Bad Guys' firing on a 'Good Guy' standing
alone in the middle of an open field will always miss.
First Corollary -
The more 'Bad Guys' there are, the less likely they will hit
anyone or do any real damage.
Second Corollary -
Whenever a 'Good Guy' is faced with insurmountable odds, the
'Bad Guys' line up in neat rows, allowing the hero to take them all out with
a single burst of automatic fire and then escape.
Third Corollary -
Whenever a 'Good Guy' is actually hit by enemy fire, it is in
a designated 'Good Guy Area', usually a flesh wound in the shoulder or arm,
which restricts the 'Good Guy' from doing anything more strenuous than
driving, firing weaponry, using melee weapons, operating heavy machinery, or
doing complex martial arts maneuvers.
- #17 - Law of Transient Romantic Unreliability
Minmei is a bimbo.
- #18 - Law of Hemoglobin Capacity
The human body contains over 12 gallons of blood, sometimes
more, under high pressure.
- #19 - Law of Demonic Consistency
Demons and other supernatural creatures have at least three
eyes, loads of fangs, tend to be yellow-green or brown, but black is not
unknown, and can only be hurt bladed weapons.
- #20 - Law of Militaristic Unreliability
Huge galaxy-wide armadas, entire armies, and large war machines
full of cruel, heartless, bloodthirsty warriors can be stopped and defeated
with a single insignificant example of a caring/loving emotion or a song.
First Corollary -
(from Adam Barnes)
Whenever a single war machine (mecha, starship, etc.) goes up
against an entire army, the army always loses.
- #21 - Law of Tactical Unreliability
Tactical geniuses aren't....
- #22 - Law of Inconsequential Undetectability
People never notice the little things... like missing body
parts, or wounds the size of Seattle.
- #23 - Law of Juvenile Intellectuality
Children are smarter than adults. And almost always twice as
annoying.
- #24 - Law of Americanthropomorphism
Americans in Anime appear in one of two roles, either as a
really nasty skinny 'Bad Guy' or a big stupid 'Good Guy'.
First Corollary -
The only people who are more stupid than the big dumb
Americans are the American translators. (Sometimes referred to as the Green
Line Effect)
Second Corollary -
The only people who are more stupid than the American
translators are the American editors and censors.
- #25 - Law of Mandibular Proportionality
(from A. Hicks, Tom Williams, and Ben Leinweber)
The size of a person's mouth is directly proportional to the
volume at which they are speaking or eating.
- #26 - Law of Feline Mutation
(from A. Hicks)
Any half-cat/half-human mutation will invariably:
1) be female
2) will possess ears and sometimes a tail as a genetic mutation
3) wear as little clothing as possible, if any
- #27 - Law of Conservation of Firepower
(from Tom Williams)
Any powerful weapon capable of destroying/defeating an opponent
in a single shot will invariably be reserved and used only as a last resort.
- #28 - Law of Technological User-Benevolence
(from Tom Williams)
The formal training required to operate a spaceship or mecha is
inversely proportional to its complexity.
- #29 - Law of Melee Luminescence
(from Tom Williams)
Any being displaying extremely high levels of martial arts
prowess and/or violent emotions emits light in the form of a glowing aura.
This aura is usually blue for 'good guys' and red for 'bad guys'. This is
attributed to Good being higher in the electromagnetic spectrum than Evil.
- #30 - Law of Non-Anthropomorphic Antagonism
(from Tom Williams)
All ugly, non-humanoid alien races are hostile, and usually
hell-bent on destroying humanity for some obscure reason.
- #31 - Law of Follicular Chromatic Variability
(from Spellweaver)
Any color in the visible spectrum is considered a natural hair
color. This color can change without warning or explanation.
- #32 - Law of Follicular Permanence
Hair in anime is pretty much indestructible, and can resist any
amount of meteorological conditions, energy emissions, physical abuse, or
explosive effects and still look perfect. The only way to hurt someone's hair
is the same way you deal with demons... with bladed weapons!
- #33 - Law of Topological Aerodynamics, First Law of
Anime Aero-Dynamics
*ANY* shape, no matter how convoluted or odd-looking, is
automatically aerodynamic.
- #34 - Law of Probable Attire
(from various sources)
Clothing in anime follows certain predictable guidelines.
Female characters wear as little clothing as possible,
regardless of whether it is socially or meteorologically appropriate. Any
female with an excessive amount of clothing will invariably have her clothes
ripped to shreds or torn off somehow. If there is no opportunity to tear off
the afore-mentioned female's clothes, then she will inexplicably take a shower
for no apparent reason (also known as the Gratuitous Shower Scene).
Whenever there is a headwind, Male characters invariably
wear a long cloaks that don't hamper movement and billow out dramatically
behind them.
First Corollary (Cryo-Adaptability) -
All anime characters are resistant to extremely cold
temperatures, and do not need to wear heavy or warm clothing in snow.
Second Corollary (Indecent Invulnerability) -
(from Nyctomania)
Bikinis render the wearer invulnerable to any form of damage.
- #35 - Law of Musical Omnipotence
Any character capable of musical talent (singing, playing an
instrument, etc.) is automatically capable of doing much more
"simple" things, like piloting mecha, fighting crime, stopping an
intergalactic war, and so on...especially if they have never attempted these
things before.
- #36 - Law of Quintuple Agglutination
(from Daniel Mikula)
Also called "The Five-man Rule", when "Good
Guys" group together, it tends to be in groups of five. There are five
basic positions, which are:
1) The Hero/Leader
2) His Girlfriend
3) His Best Friend/Rival
4) A Hulking Brute
5) A Dwarf/Kid
Between these basic positions are distributed several
attributes, which include:
1) Extreme Coolness
2) Amazing Intelligence
3) Incredible Irritation
- #37 - Law of Extra dimensional Capacitance
(from Jason Bustard)
All anime females have an extra dimensional storage space of
variable volume somewhere on their person from which they can instantly
retrieve any object at a moment's notice.
First Corollary (a.k.a. The Hammer Rule) -
(from Ferdinand Pelayo)
The most common item stored is a heavy mallet, which can be
used with unerring accuracy on any male who deserves it. Other common items
include costumes/uniforms, power suits/armor, and large bazookas.
- #38 - Law of Hydrostatic Emission
Eyes tend to be rather large in Anime. This is because they
contain several gallons of water, which may be instantaneously released at
high pressure through large tear ducts. The actual volume of water contained
in the eyes is unknown, as there is no evidence to suggest that these
reservoirs are actually capable of running out. The reason water tends to
collect in the eyes is because Anime characters only have one large sweat
gland, which is located at the back of the head. When extremely stressed,
embarrassed, or worried, this sweat gland exudes a single but very large drop
of sebaceous fluid.
- #39 - Law of Inverse Attraction
Success at finding suitable mates is inversely proportionate to
how desperately you want to be successful. The more you want, the less you
get, and vice versa.
First Corollary -
Unfortunately, this law seems to apply to Otaku in the real
world...
- #40 - Law of Nasal Sanguinities
(from Ryan Pritchard and Jason Aylen)
When sexually aroused, males in Anime don't get erections, they
get nosebleeds. No one's sure why this is, though... the current theory
suggests that larger eyes means smaller sinuses and thinner sinus tissue (see
Law #38 above). Females don't get nosebleeds, but invariably get one heck of a
blush along the cheeks and across the nose, suggesting a lot of blood flow to
that region.
- #41 - Law of Xylolaceration
(from Lyndon Harris)
Wooden or bamboo swords are just as sharp as metal swords, if
not sharper.
- #42 - Law of Juvenile Omnipotence
(from Erin Alia)
Always send a boy to do a man's job. He'll get it done in half
the time and twice the angst.
- #43 - Law of Triscaquadrodecophobia
There is no Law #43.
- #44 - Law of Nominative Clam vocation
(from Luiko-Ysabeth and Adrian Hsiah)
The likelihood of success and damage done by a martial arts
attack is directly proportional to the volume at which the full name of the
attack is announced.
- #45 - Law of Uninterruptible Metamorphosis
(from R. A. Hubby)
Regardless of how long or involved the transformation sequence
or how many times they've seen it before, any 'Bad Guys' witnessing a
mecha/hero/heroine transforming are too stunned to do anything to interrupt
it.
- #46 - Law of Flimsy In cognition
(from Conrad Knauer)
Simply changing into a costume or wearing a teensy mask can
make you utterly unrecognizable to even your closest friends and relatives.
These Laws are crazy aren't they.
Paper blowing up for just falling on the ground. Crazy Sh*t.
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