Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

1. What is your name, age, social security number, IQ, and boy scout rank?

2. Do you have one male and one female parent? If "No," explain.

3. Do you own or have access to a van?

4. A truck with oversize tires?

5. Waterbed?

6. Do you have an earring, nose-ring, or belly-button ring?

7. Do you have a tattoo?

*If you have answered "Yes" to #3, #4, or #5, discontinue application and leave immediately.

8. In fifty words or less, what does LATE mean to you?

9. In fifty words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you?

10. In fifty words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?

11. In fifty words or less, what does REAL PAIN mean to you?

12. What church/temple do you attend?

13. How often do you attend?

14. When would be the best time to interview your mother, father, and priest/rabbi?

15. Please fill in the blanks:

If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded would be my __________.

If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken would be my _________.

A woman's place is in the _________.

The one thing I hope this application doesn't ask is _________.

When I meet a girl, the one thing I always notice about her first is _________.

*If answer to last question begins with a "T" or "A," discontinue application and leave premises--keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.

16. What do you want to be IF you grow up?

I swear that all the above information is correct to the best of my knowledge under penalty of death, bodily harm, dismemberment, torture, or mental abuse.

Signature of applicant: ___________________ Signature of father: ___________________ Signature of mother: ___________________ Signature of priest/rabbi: ___________________ Signature of State Representative: ___________________ Signature of mortician: ___________________ (Sable)

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow 4-6 years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if approved. If denied, please never apply again. Don't call me, I'll call you.

The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "Paw, what's 'at?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anythin' like 'at in my entire life. I ain't got no idea'r what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

The walls then opened up agin and a beautiful, voluptuous blond woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Boy, go git yer momma..."

Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed that the new program began making unexpected changed to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flowers, and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as Dinner, Dancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, Saturday Football 5.0, Gold 2.4, and Clutter Everywhere 5.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances is there Diaper Changing 1.4 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all-purpose utility is of only limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!

Sincerely, XXX

Reply:

Dear XXX:

This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many women upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an entertainment package. However, Husband 1.0 is an operating system and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible.

Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal par of Husband 1.0.

In desperation to play some of their "old-time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0 or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems then encountered with Husband 1.0.

Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire session regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system.

Husband 1.0 must assume all responsibility for all faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C: I THOGHT YOU LOVED ME."

Sometimes Tears 6.2 must run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP!! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately you may have to give a "C: I APOLOGIZE" command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0.

Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create Fat Belly files and Snoring Loudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!

Just remember, the system will run smoothly and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications that Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as Fix BrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2, and Best Friend 7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0. This is not a supported application and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until Mother-In-Law 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in the coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

-Tech Support

Get a new car for your spouse-it'll be a great trade.

Drugs lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Everybody repeat after me: "We are all individuals."

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

If at first you don't succeed, then sky diving definitely isn't for you.

Traffic lights timed for 30 mph also work for 60 mph.

Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional; Christmas pet.

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh & clean as a whistle.

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists.

Newfoundland + Basset Hound = New Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors.

Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.

Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by…oh well, it doesn't matter, anyway.

Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work.

Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.

Bloodhound + Terrier = Bloody Terror, a dog that's just that. (Sable)

2.Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.

3. Make a list of things to do that you've already done.

4. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him off to pre-school as if nothing was wrong.

5. Fill out your tax return in Roman numerals.

6. Leaf through National Geographic and draw underwear on all the natives.

7. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it all the next day.

8. Drive to work in reverse.

9. Read a dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.

10. Send your doctor a bill for the time you spent in his waiting room.

11. Braid the hairs in each nostril.

12. Write a short story using alphabet soup.

13. Lie on your back eating celery, using your navel as a salt dipper.

14. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.

15. Tape pictures of your boss onto watermelons and launch them from high places.

16. Make up a language and ask people on the street for directions.

17. Eat ice-cream with your fingers. (Sable)

18. Close your eyes, take off all the cables on the back of your computer, and see if you can figure out where they went. (Sable)

19. Draw on every wall in your parent's house and blame the cat. (Sable)

…couldn't learn to water-ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope?

…can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit in the typewriter?

…got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"?

…was trapped on an excalator for hours when the power went out?

…couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button?

…when asked what the capitol of California was, answered "C"?

…baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125 lbs?

…can't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets?

…hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel?

…got hurt while raking leaves? Fell out of a tree.

…changes the baby's diaper only once a month because the label said "good up to 20 pounds"?

…after losing a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms?