Iranians are generally swarthy and of average height. Although they speak a great deal, their accomplishments are not noteworthy. They are witty and partial to comedy, yet they are known to cry a lot. Their language is so smooth and persuasive that it can charm a snake out of its hole. Iranian kids are mostly afflicted with a disease that leaves them with a scald-head. Iranian men generally shave their head but allow their beard to grow long. What is most astonishing about this country is that it does not have any women in it. One sees little girls of five or six, but there are no women to be seen. I have given this matter of absence of the opposite sex among the population a great deal of thought but, as yet, have not been able to come up with a solution. I had heard about "women cities," i.e., cities in which women, rather than men are in full control, but I had never heard of "men cities." There is a rumor in Europe according to which each Iranian man holds a large women's quarter (haramkhane). But truly, my compatriots must be out of touch with reality! How can each man in Iran have a house full of women while in the country itself you cannot find even one woman? Ignorance is bliss! One day, on the street, I observed that people had surrounded a youth with long hair, a clean face, a long dress, and a silk sash. Thinking that they had surrounded a woman, I headed in that direction. At last, I thought, I was about to see an Iranian woman. But no sooner did I arrive there than I discovered that the fellow was a dervish. Dervishes are singers. In Iran there are no operas or live theaters. Singers perform their songs in the streets. Instead of the ticket that you need to buy to enter a theater in Europe, in Iran the singer hands you a green feather. The entrance fee for the opera, too, is quite inexpensive. Besides, there is no obligation to pay. It all depends on how you feel about payment for the performance.

I had an Iranian friend who had a number of children. Actually he was my best friend. One day inquiring about his wife I asked, "By the way, where is your wife?"

His reaction astounded me. His whole face turned copper red, his eyes widened, like the eyes of a mad man, and his whole attitude toward me changed. I realized that I had made an unforgivable mistake. I asked for his indulgence. From then on I came to understand that in this country not only there are no women but that there should be no mention of the existence of women,

Another strange thing in Iran is that some of the people, in fact nearly half the population, wrap themselves in a black bag so thoroughly that their entire body, from head to toe, is covered. There is no opening in the bag, not even for breathing. They walk about everywhere, carrying this black bag with them. No one is allowed to hear the voice of those confined to the bag. And those moving about in the bag are not allowed to do certain things. For instance, they are not to enter public places like teahouses and the like. They have their own special bathhouse. In formal gatherings, such as in a rowzahs or a wake, they are given their own special places. I also should add that when alone, these individuals are pretty quiet; some are as quiet as a mouse. But once a few of them get together, the commotion they create becomes defeaning. They raise the dead, you could say. I believe these individuals must belong to a certain Iranian priestly cast, just like our own strange men of the cloth in Europe. Yet, even as priests they do not enjoy the respect of their flock. Neither is the term they use to refer to them--weakling (za'ifa)-- encouragingRather, I think, it emphasizes their lack of a social standing.

Now let me talk about the men. Categorized according to their head gear, Iranian men can be placed in three groups: those wearing yellow hats, those in white hats, and those who sport black hats.

The first group, usually referred to as "mashhadi" and "Karbala'i," are mostly peasants and servants. For some reason, they seem to have sworn to work as hard as possible and pass all their earnings to the other two groups, i.e., to the white hats and the black hats. The yellow hats are so determined in carrying out this selfless act of giving that they often work themselves and their family to death. Death from cold and hunger, even being placed in the grave without a shroud for lack of money for a proper burial, does not deter them from their charitable act. As a result, the white hats and the black hats become so rich that they do not know where or how to spend their money...

The purchase and sale of the yellow hats are, of course, a major preoccupation of the white hats and the black hats whose only goal consists of possessing more and more yellow hats. And, I should say that the price for the yellow hats is quite reasonable. In fact, the price is so low, that throughout my stay in Iran, I did not see even one instance of a single yellow hat transaction. Very much like our European tradition of buying and selling honey bees in hives, in Iran the yellow hats are sold as families with their house, hamlet, and even village. For instance, you might hear that today so and so bought one hundred yellow hat families for the such and such an amount.

Furthermore, these yellow hats are blessed with the gift of real freedom, the type that in Europe we speak a lot about, but which we fail to actually achieve and enjoy. They are so free that they can sacrifice their entire property, even their lives and wives, for the white hats and the black hats without raising the slightest objection. They are also blessed with the gift of equality. If you were to search a thousand of them, for instance, you would not find even one of them who possesses anything whatsoever that the others do not possess. In other words, they all live in blessed abject poverty. And they carry this equality to the grave with them. The fact that there are no tombstones on their graves, not even several bricks to mark the place, testifies to their equality. After all, how long does it take for the elements to obliterate any initial markers that might be placed on a new grave? This expression of equality, or "brotherhood," is carried into their vernacular as well. They all call each other "Daash," which, in fact, means brother.

Now, let us turn our attention to the white hats who are usually referred to as Shaykhs or Akhunds. To begin with, the white hats enjoy an enviable respect among the general population. Besides because their recognition is tied to their hat, whatever fabric they come across, they tie around their head. Their heads, thus, resemble a minaret on which a stork has built a nest. One day I asked an Iranian, "Why do the Akhunds tie so much material around their head?"

"It's quite simple," he replied. "When your finger is injured, don't you wrap some bandage around it to keep it from further harm. Perhaps the brains of the Akhund are damaged and they intend to prevent fresh air from reaching them!...

Throughout my stay in Iran, I made a point of finding out what professional guild these white hats belonged to. But to no avail. I gathered this much that whatever profession it is, it must be part of a secret society. Also it ought to be a profession that involves a lot of manual dexterity. I believe this because people constantly kiss the hands of the white hats.

One day I said to one of my Iranian acquaintances, "I know that these white hats belong to a profession that involves some sort of manual activity. But I do not know what profession that is." He said, "Theirs is truly an industry on which Iran's very existence hinges. Without this industry, all the country's affairs will come to a full stop and the country will self-destruct.

"What is the name of this sublime profession?" I asked,

"Bribery," he said.

I felt quite mortified as I did not know the meaning of the word and, at the same time, did not want to reveal the extent of my ignorance of the culture. So I simply kept silent and let the matter rest. I still don't know the meaning of the word. It is also possible that there is no such word and that my acquaintance was pulling my leg...

In any event, whatever the profession, I believe, the thumb and the forefinger play a major role in its performance. I say this because the white hats constantly rub these digits against each other. Could it be that they keep them well exercised? They have gone so far as devising a means for the proper exercise of the digits. It consists of running a string through the holes of a number of colored rocks. They work this device night and day to keep those fingers in full working order.

Now, a word about the tribe of the black hats, whom the Iranians call "khans." All the governmental offices, both in the capital and in the provinces, are controlled by the members of this tribe. They have a large assembly that is very much like a mason's lodge. In reality, it is a private club. But whoever from the outside can enter it, he will find himself to be in clover. They call their assembly "divan." The word itself is derived from the word "div" which means demon, a creature that is found quite regularly in Iranian myths. And it is truly an apt name for the place as everyone knows that divs react to events in reverse of what they are expected to do. For instance, if you do a div a favor, the div will respond by making you his first morsel. If you tell the div the truth, he will become your worst enemy, and if you tell him a lie, he becomes your best friend. These black hats act in exactly the same manner. That is, perhaps, why they refer to their assembly as the "divan."

According to the rules of their own assembly, these black hats are duty bound not to take a step or utter a word that is not directly beneficial to themselves. I had heard in Europe that the principle of self interest had been invented by a British philosopher. But it is abundantly clear now that even before that philosopher's ancestors had been born, Iranians had been major practitioners of this trait. And therein lies the logic that European civilization is a gift of the Orient.

Most of the energy of these black hats is expended on establishing tranquility in all parts of Iran. And they go about it in a most proper fashion. For instance, they know well that the root of all calamities in countries like Iran rests in money. They do their utmost, therefore, to prevent the population from possessing any money. If they find out that someone is in possession of money, they move as quickly as possible and dispossess him of it. In fact, they have established special squads throughout the country to see to the poverty of the populace. Their efforts in this regard have been very fruitful; they have eliminated much harm that could otherwise have befallen Iran...

A group of these black hats who, contrary to tradition, shave their beard, curl their moustache, and truncate their hats and wear them askance are referred to as the "fokolis." These fokolies are willing to entertain certain changes or "reforms" in the constitution of the divan or assembly. For instance, they believe that the full import of the constitution has not been borne on the white hats or Akhunds. Some of the white hats, they feel, continue to enjoy prosperity, thus disrupting the harmony that is being cultivated in the land. This situation, they believe, must be rectified so that, at the end, the white hats and the yellow hats become truly equal. I agree fully with the fokolis who have, after all, been educated in our own European tradition. And I pay homage to our own European system of education that inculcates this sense of equality among people.

And now the final, precious word. Speranto, the hypothetical language that will be made up of elements from all the living languages of the world, is already in existence in Iran. In fact it is the sole language of the fokolis. The other languages are incomprehensible to them. For us Europeans, of course, the fokolies language is not difficult at all. It is a concoction of European languages spiced by Persian, Turkish, and Arabic.