1. The Janitor’s Life
“So I’m writing this trash novel”
Moans of despair rose from the throats of his fellow janitors who circled the scuffed table.
“Ok…here it goes, “he leaned forward grinning stupidly, “It’s about Glenn Close. She visits England for a year and returns to give birth to an illegitimate baby girl. The father is Prince Charles. She calls him from Hollywood to tell him of the news. But the phone wire is tapped; and to avoid any potential embarrassment Queen Elizabeth has him assassinated by the Prime Minister of Australia; since he himself has a vendetta against Charles after he discovered him cheating in an evening game of Go Fish. So anyway, the baby girl grows up into a beautiful Hong Kong cashier. She’s brilliant, she’s gorgeous. She then discovers the remains of Jimmy Hoffa finding that they had been sold as a pseudo-sacred religious artifact to a Mr. Lenny Kravitz.”Robert leaned back in his chair smiling smugly awaiting the praise he was sure it would receive.
After several minutes had passed one quirked his brow scratching his head, “Err…Isn’t that kind of obvious Robert?”
Robert leaned back in his chair sighing, “That’s the point! It’s a trash novel! It’s supposed to be obvious!”
Right then the rickety basement door creaked abstractly open and a stem of a stern woman stared Robert in the face.
“Your trash novel again, wasn’t it?”
“Sorry Ms. Darcy, I’ll get back to work right away!” he said grabbing some towels and a mop.
“I have news for you boy…You’re being replaced.” She stuck her chin in the air preceding the statement feeling the sheer power shivering through her 5 foot 4frame.
“What?”
“Mr. Ying is taking robots who don’t write trash novels wearing hideous flowered shirts.”
“What?”
“That’s right“, the chin took its place in the heavens, “That shirt is terrifying.”
“What?”
“Say that again boy, and I WILL slap you!”
“What?”
“What!”
“What?”
“For Pete’s sake! I will slap you if you ask “what?”again.”
Robert sighed in relief finding his head quite in a round about, “Oh. Sorry. But those robots…it’s ridiculous. Are they going to get on their little robot toes and dust the back of the top bookshelves? I think not Ms. Darcy! I’m going to talk to Mr. Ying about this!”
Ms. Darcy chuckled evilly, “You don’t have to…You’re fired!” She grinned restraining her maniacal laughter as she passed him the pink slip.
2. The Treachory of Woman
Robert sat at the cheap diner bar looking up hopefully at this girlfriend of five years as she approached. Lately she had been stand offish; but he prayed she would have some sympathy, as he sorely needed it at the moment.
Lilly was clad in a pink dress bearing grease stains mingled with coffee. She seemed very weary and she plunked forward on her elbows in front of Robert.
“What’s wrong?”
“I lost my job.”
She clicked her tongue with a sense of finality.
Robert leaned his head down on the table to cry reaching for her hand. She pulled her hand away sighing loudly. He looked up blinking.
“Robert…I’m dumping you. You’re worthless. I’m leaving you for the mailman. He’s sensible, practical, and down to earth. But you…you…you’re a dreamer! Nobody wants a dreamer. I mean NOBODY!”
Robert could only stare at the heartless creature as she walked away with the coffeepot finally coming to the conclusion that he didn’t know what he should say. These deep thoughts were interrupted when the manager poured him a shotglass of vodka sympathetically.
3. Cheesy Heaven Scenes
Since it was heaven, of course everything was white
God forbid someone actually comes up with an original
look for heaven. But I guess the classics don’t die,
unfortunately. Apparently the angels had left their
former lives for no other reason to go work in an
office building still under the order of asshole
superiors. Meanwhile, in hell all the sinful folk were
dancing, and engaging in promiscuous sex without any
consequences under no rule other than their own and
living in blissful eternal anarchy.
In heaven, the boss was throwing a fit again, “People
are getting divorced at an increased rate.”
A tall, dark man in a white fedora muttered, “Because you keep on making us jam harmless sweet guys with crazy rude homicidal bitches.” The Boss Man (Gabriel of course) pointed his heavenly finger menacingly at him, “Watch it!”
“Well men and women aren’t the same anymore.” Said the small blonde girl, O' Reilly, diplomatically.
Everyone took a moment to nod solemnly until an airborne file assaulted the tall man, “Get these two together.”
The tall angel, Jackson, assessed it vocally, ‘Sweet harmless Scottish janitor. Once harmed a fly in 1986 as a child. Is about to come to the end of his rope.Called…Robert.”
The blonde opened her packet, ‘Deceitful English translator. Has slept with everyone in the cities and provinces of London, Tokyo, and hmmm…Salt Lake City, Utah. Was recently elected the poster boy for the Promise Me Condom Company based in Wichita. Suicidal tendencies. Referred to as…Jerome.”
Gabriel nodded solemnly, “If you don’t get these two together, you have to stay on the Earth forever as mortals.”
Both the angels laughed simultaneously, "Jerome’s a slut! If we put Robert within 5 miles of him, he’s sure to sleep with him!” They continued to laugh only to discover The Boss Man was not.
“Easy enough. But you have to keep them together forever, and ever, and ever.”
Their faces fell, “Oh.”
4. In the Publisher’s Office
Jerome sighed loudly leaning back in his chair spinning around idly, “I just need some money.”
“But Jerome, darling. I lent you 1,000 dollars only yesterday.”
Jerome widened his eyes blinking slowly. He could always get what he wanted from the old publisher with this look. The old man groaned, “Don’t do that. Bad Jerome.”
Jerome disregarded his lover’s complaints throwing a long leg over the arm of the chair unbuttoning his shirt casually. “Please? You know I’d pay you back for it one way or the other. “ He half-smiled softly. Mr. Ying rose and leaned down to kiss his young lover reaching his hand to his exposed flesh treasuring the softness. Loudly then the door flung open and an angry man in a flowered shirt and a cleaning machine held as hostage stomped into the room.
“So this is my replacement?!”Robert threw the poor machine against the wall
dramatically, but was very unplussed when it whirred
back onto its little robot toes and skittered out of the room dusting.
Mr. Ying called security and before Robert could say
another word twenty large men were piled on top of
him. They were pummeling him and twisting his hair.
One even twisted his nipple while another gave him a
brutal rain of nugies. It was more than any human
could bear and he grabbed a gun from a holster and
shot it into the air at the ceiling. Everyone backed away quickly.
Jerome sighed in relief, but not for long, Watch out behind you!”
Another large man snuck up behind Robert and pulled
his hair. Another dove to the floor and began to tie
his shoelaces together. They took the gun from him
again, and this process continued for a very long time
till Robert got it (yet again) and managed to scare the security guards away.
And then he held the gun on Mr. Ying himself. “Now Mr.
Ying, I just want my job back. I’ll give you to the
count of three to give my job back. That’s all I ask.One….Two…….Two….Umm….Two”
“Three.”Robert leaped into the air accidentally shooting the
publisher in the leg. He saw a man in the corner
staring excited at the goings on. “What’d you do that
for?!, “He yelled raspy nearly in tears at the things that had gone wrong.
“Two comes after three…. I thought maybe that you
couldn’t count. I on the other hand can count in six major languages.”
“I can count!”
“I’m sorry. I just figured…well…You don’t exactly look like Harvard material. So are you going to take me hostage?”
“I wasn’t thinking of it. But if you want me to.”
“Well…I don’t want you to…. I guess…. But you could get your money, dignity, and job back…as well as revenge.”
“Ok.”
So the two began their journey together.
Soon to come...Part 2.... Back to more crimety frackety stories