The scene opens on the 70th floor of the Shinra Building, which is amazingly still standing after Reno almost blew it up last time...
Rufus: I think we're all alive... or am I dead? Is it a potato or a pograto?
Reeve: Well, sir, it seems we are alive, but most of Sectors 4, 5, and 0
are up in smoke. I'm not sure exactly why this building is still standing....
Rufus: Because this is the Shinra Building. It musn't collapse under any
circumstances. It may only be charred, shattered, and ripped apart, but collapse is not an option.
Reeve: If you say so...
Rufus: Aren't you supposed to be... in the dungeon?
Heidegger: Gya! The project has been put on hold since all our workers were
blown to Kingdom Come!
Rufus: Lazy, insubordinates. Did I tell them to die a horrible, firey death?! You people are worthless.
Cid: Damn, let's get on with it! Where's Hojo?!
Palmer: Hey-hey!! Hojo is living in my ass!!
Cid: What the #%$&^?!
Barret: Dis foo' always did have problems...
Palmer: You don't believe me?! HUUUUUURGH!!! *Brraaaappp!*
Cloud: Ugh!! Light a match!!
Rufus: Okay. I shall. *lights a match. The room explodes*
Meanwhile, in Lucrecia's cave...
Lucrecia: *is sitting on a rock, hugging Pooky-Wookums, the stuffed Mako Bear*
Vincent: I am so glad you are happy. But I must go help my friends find
that... rapscallion, Hojo.
Lucrecia: *just continues hugging Pooky-Wookums*
Vincent: ...All right. I'll return later! *goes away to join AVALANCHE*
Lucrecia: My... Pooky... Wookums....
Back at Shinra, Floor 70....
Rufus: That was not necessary....
Cloud: How did we survive the explosion? Moreover... why are we not even
charred?
Barret: Don't question the physics of a good story, foo'. Now, where's--
Vincent: *bursts in* I'm back.
Cid: Where did you go, you friggen' vampiric crumpet?
Vincent: I... went to try and find... Hojo?
Cid: Oh, okay. Well, looks like you failed. We're still tryin' to get
Rufus to tell us something.
Rufus: Didn't I already tell you that Hojo was in Costa Del Sol?
Reeve: Well, you did, sir, but since you don't want them to find him and stop him from making our new weapon, you had me make up a lie, which you have ultimately given away now.
Rufus: Oh, I see.
Cloud: TO COSTA DEL SOL, MY PALS!!
Cid: Goddammit!! You pussnut!!!
Palmer: That man has some pretty nice 'Get-Away Sticks'.
Rufus: 'Get-Away Sticks'?
Palmer: Yeah... y'know. Legs?
Rufus: Oh? What man?
Palmer: Why, Mister Rogers, of course. *points to Cloud*
Cloud: My name is Cloud.
Cid: Well, whoopty-shit. He knows his name. How 'bout that?
Cloud: No... Palmer called me... oh... nevermind.
Rufus: You know, I was thinking of Scarlet when I said Hojo was in Costa Del Sol. He's really off playing Hollywood Squares. He's the upper left Square.
Cloud: Is that so? Then off to the set of Hollywood Squares, the Yins
to my Yangs!!
Cid: What the #%$&^?!
On the set of Hollywood Squares...
Butch: Uh... I'll take Hojo to block?
Host: Okay. Hojo, here's the question. "What is the chemical symbol for the
element Hydrogen"?
Hojo: It is... wait... hehehe.... It's Y!! *Snort*
Vincent: *sitting in the audience* He lied! The twisted bastard is going to cause that innocent civilian to lose... All I can do is sit back and watch.... Am I about to commit yet another sin?
Butch: Uh.... I AGREE!!!
Host: Awww, too bad. You lose. Mukki wins!!!!
Mukki: Hey, bubby!! *dances like a fag*
Vincent: Oh no.... More nightmares will come to me--
Cid: Aw, Goddammit. Let's go up there and storm the place!! MOVE!!
Cloud: WAIT!! That's not Hojo!!
Cid: It ain't? Then who the hell is it?
Cloud: It's Hojo's twin brother, Ralph!!
Barret: Hojo be havin' a twin named Ralph?!
Cloud: Yeah! That means Shinra lied to us again!
Cid: Shit.... this means we have to go back...
Cloud: ...to the FUTURE!!
Cid: What?!
Cloud: Oh, no wait. Back to the Shinra Building. Right. Sorry.
Barret: Foo' watches too much TV.
Back at the Shinra Building, Floor 70...
Sephiroth: I want to know where Hojo is! Tell me now, or I light this rocket
which will blow us all sky high!
Rufus: Aren't you supposed to use a knife or something?
Sephiroth: It's a sword... it has a name. Masa--
Rufus: Blah, blah, blah. Listen, just hand me the rocket.
Sephiroth: Oh, sure. *hands Rufus the rocket*
Rufus: Thank you. *stuffs the rocket in his pocket*
Sephiroth: You're wel--HEY!! Gimmie that back!!
Rufus: Sorry, what do you need again?
Sephiroth: Grrrr....
Reeve: Sire, the new couch is here.
Rufus: Why did you just call me 'Sire'?
Reeve: Oh, typo.
Rufus: Typo...? What the.... Hey wait, what couch?
Mover #1: Dis couch, bub. Where you want it?
Mover #2: Just set it over there... We ain't gotta ask 'em nothin'.
Rufus: I don't recall ordering a couch. Especially not one with green and pink polka-dots. What is this?!
Palmer: Oopsie. It looks like Mister Rogers bought the couch as a gift for you.
Rufus: Palmer, please go away before I shoot you in the rotund rumpy.
Palmer: Mister Rogers will teach you a lesson now.
Cloud: *busts in with the rest of AVALANCHE* AHA!
Palmer: See! There's Mister Rogers now!!!
Cloud: ...My name is Cloud.
Cid: Enough with this preschool "I know my name", shit! Where's the REAL Hojo?!
Rufus: There's a fake Hojo?
Cid: Goddammit!! Just tell us 'fore we kick yer dainty ass!
Rufus: My round, firm, hot little buttocks are none of your concern now. You will all leave right this instant.
Barret: How you gonna make us, Honky?!
Rufus: Well, you see, I have a rocket in my pocket...
Barret: Foo'!! Ain't no man eva' came onto me before! 'Specially no white
boy!
Rufus: That wasn't a come on. *reaches into his pocket and fiddles with the rocket, which is snagged on a thread*
Tifa: Oh... wow......... Rufus...
Cloud: NOW WAIT JUST A SECOND!!!
Sephiroth: That is MY rocket, you know...
Yuffie: *from inside Red XIII's stomach* Ewww... Rufus and Sephiroth...?
Sephiroth: I didn't mean it like that....
Vincent: This surely is a sin... but it's not my fault this time... but wait... Sephiroth is the son of Lucrecia... and I love Lucrecia... so ultimately, it is my fault.... oh the horror...
Rufus: Oh come on... what has this degraded into? *pulls the rocket out* See?!
Cid: Man... I've had all the Homo-Talk I can stand for today. Now tell
us where friggen Hojo is, you peice of happy red-headed shit!! *smacks the rocket out of his hand*
Rufus: I don't have to take this. And by no means am I happy now. Reno! Rude!
Reno & Rude: *bust in* SIR!!!!
Rufus: Take these rapscallions away!
Cid: Rapscallion?! Is everyone around me a goddamn fruit or what?!
Vincent: That's my word. I used it earlier. He ripped me off.
Reno: Okay, ladies, time to go...
Barret: Yo! Didn't you get blown up?!
Reno: Hey, I jumped off the pillar of Sector 7 and lived, why not this, too?
Cloud: He's got a point.
Barret: Shut yo' spikey white head.
Rude: .....Reno. Can I have a peanut?
Reno: Peanut? Sure.
Rufus: This is ridiculous, take them--
But it was too late, AVALANCHE had already ran off
Reno: Oops.... You just had to have a peanut?! *smacks Rude upside his bald head*
Rude: *sniffle*
Palmer: Mister Rogers left!!! WAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!
Rufus: Well, now you have to go find them. Do it!!
Reno & Rude: Yes SIR!! *they run off in persuit of AVALANCHE*
Sephiroth: This is getting me nowhere. I'll just begin an around the Planet
search. When I get my precious lucky socks back from Hojo, you'll be my first victim! MWA HAHAHAHA!! AHHH HAHAHAHAHA!!! *poof*
Rufus: ...Did someone just say something? Oh well.
On the beach of Costa Del Sol...
Hojo: HEHEHEHEHEHEHE-- *Cough* Well, the weapon is almost complete...