The scene opens in the Shinra Building, floor 70. Rufus sits impatiently at
his desk, watching a surveillance Monitor
Rufus: All this waiting tires me. I haven't had a fresh tube of gel in my hair for at least an hour...
Reeve: Don't worry, sir. The Turks will find Pooky-Wookums. The tracking device will lead them straight to him.
Rufus: Yes, yes. But it's taking far too long. We may be too late! And besides, I really could use a potty break as well.
Reeve: Can we not share this?
Rufus: Why? Do you not go potty?
Reeve: Yes, sir... But I don't wish to talk abou--
Rufus: So, you think you're too good to have potty time?
Reeve: Uh... sir, please...
Rufus: No. No. Out with it. You're scared of toilets, aren't you?
Reeve: What!? Of course not! I just don't like to talk abou--
Rufus: I see. Well, it's nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, I can help you get over this phobia!
Reeve: Sir, listen to me... I don't--
AVALANCHE, minus Red XIII and Yuffie, suddenly bursts in, as always
Rufus: Can you people simply just walk into my office for once?
Reeve: Whew...
Barret: Lissen here! We gots to talk to--
Rufus: No! I will not have this anymore. You go out and come back in like civilized people. Then we'll talk.
Cloud: Well, okay! *runs back down to the 69th floor*
Cid: What the #%$&^?! That ain't how we do things, Cloud! Cloud!? Aw, dammit!
Barret: May as well play along now... *slinks back down the stairs, followed by the rest of AVALANCHE*
Reeve: This is just awkward...
Rufus: You just keep quiet until we get to your potty training.
Reeve: Potty Trai--!!!
Rufus: Shh!
Meanwhile in Cosmo Canyon...
Bugenhagen: Ho ho hoooo! Nanaki!? Are you okay in there!?
Red XIII: UUUUUUUNNNNGHHHHH!!!!! OH GOLLY, IT HURTS!!!!
Bugenhagen: Eeeewww... I think Nanaki had some bad Wutaian food...
Red XIII: You... better... beleive it...!!! URGH!!!
Yuffie: OH GRRR~OSS!!! Get me OUT of here!! Geeeez!! I need a SHOWER!!
Bugenhagen: I'll not even ask....
Red XIII: Yeah! I got the Materia back! *bursts forth from the bathroom, a
large bag of Materia in his teeth* I must go help my friends! See you soon, Grandfather!
Bugenhagen: I shall... uh... look forward to that...
Yuffie: *staggers out of the bathroom* What a trip...! Hey, got any Materia, old man?
Back at the Shinra Building, floor 70...
Barret: Okay, sucka! We ain't leavin' and comin' back anymore!! Now talk!
Rufus: Oh, very well. I have more important things to do. What do you want?
Cid: What's up with Hojo and his Weapon!? What is it!? Why're we after it!?
Rufus: I don't know.
Cloud: You don't?
Rufus: Of course I do. I'm the President.
Cloud: Wait... uh... what?
Barret: He's jus' tryin' to get around answerin' us!
Cid: Yeah!? Well, maybe he'll talk if we... uh... KILL this guy!! *grabs Reeve by the hair*
Reeve: Hey!? Dummy!!!
Cait Sith: Knock it off!! Remember!!??
Cloud: Yeah! We'll kill this guy!!
Reeve: Wait a minute!!! Stop!!
Cid: Psst... Cloud... no... it's Reeve... remember? I just made a mistake...
Cloud: *as if he hadn't heard* ...So you better tell us what we want to know!!
Reeve: GUYS!!! Knock it off!!!
Rufus: Kill him for all I care.
Reeve: What!?! What is this!?!?
Cloud: Oh!? Think we won't do it, eh!? *bends over and rips Reeve's shoe off*
Barret: Cloud, man... stop. Foo', it's Reeve...
Cloud: Now talk! Or I'll cut his big TOE off!!
Reeve: Wait!! Wait!! Aha! Please!?! Waaahahaaa!!
Rufus: Really, I'm not just saying it. I don't care.
Cloud: Playing hard to get, huh!?
Cid: Hard to get!? FAG!!!
Cloud: Shut up, Cid!! I'm being tough!!
Cid: Looks more like a One-Man Fairy Parade.
Rufus: You people procrastinate too much. *raises his shotgun and takes aim, blasting Reeve's big toe off*
Reeve: RRERRAAAAAHHHH!!!!! AAAAHHAHHHH!!! DYAAHAA!!! MY TOE!!
Cloud: Holy CRAP!! I guess he really didn't care!
Cid: No shit! What a Wiz Kid! Stupid @%&^#@!!
Shinra MP's: *rush in and surround AVALANCHE*
Cloud: EEEEEEEEK! Run!!!
Cid: What?! We can take these pussies!! CLOUD!! Dammit! Uh...
Barret: Le's jus' get 'da hell outta here!
AVALANCHE follows Cloud, who runs aimlessly around the Shinra Building
Cloud: I'll hide in HERE!! *ducks into the shower room*
Cid: Now, where'd he run his pansy ass off to?!
Cloud: *from a distance* EEEEEEYYYYYAAARGH!!!
Barret: Sounds like he found Sephiroth! Les' go!!
Cloud: *staggers out of the showers* Ugh... I'm... so gonna puke....
Cid: What? What the hell happened?! Sephiroth!?
Cloud: Worse...
Tifa: What's worse than Sephiroth?
Cloud: Walking into the showers and catching Heidegger pressure-cleaning Palmer's ass-crack...
Cid: Oh my mother#%$*^ing GOSH!! I'm gonna lose it this time....
Barret: Now 'dats da' kinda shi' 'dat'll ruin a man....
Cid: Not Cloud. He's used to that kinda stuff....
Cloud: HEY!!
Vincent: I hate to interrupt....
Tifa: What is it?
Vincent: ...Give me time to finish my sentence and you'll find out. Ahem, it seems Sephiroth is here.
Cloud: Where!??!?
Vincent: He just entered the fourth toilet stall on the right....
Cloud: Let's sneak up on him!!
Cid: Uh... you should be used to sneaking up on men in the bathroom. You go ahead.
Cloud: Sure thing. I'll just-- HEY!! CID!!!
Barret: Jus' go, foo'!
Cloud: *sneaks over to the stall area, but is immediately knocked over as someone exits a stall in front of him, swinging the door outward hard* OW!! *thud*
Rufus: What was that? Oh well. Now, Reeve. Do you see why the Potty is our friend?
Reeve: I'd be more willing to listen to this if you hadn't shot my toe off...
Rufus: We'll sew it back on later. Just pay attention now. See this little silver lever?
Reeve: I'm aware of how a toilet works, sir...
Rufus: Are you? Are you really? Well, let's see you work it then.
Reeve: Fine.... *pulls the lever*
Rufus: Wrong, wrong, wrong. Do it with more finesse! Pizazz! Gumption!
Reeve: Sir, may I ask what the bloody HELL you're talking about?
Rufus: Why no, you may not. Say, what is that horrific odor that is infiltrating my presidential nasal cavities?
Reeve: It seems that stall is in use.
Rufus: How dare someone use a stall while I am in here moderating a seminar on the use of toiletry!
Reeve: *looks around* Seminar?
Rufus: We shall reconvene in the executive washroom.
Reeve: Wonderful.... *Reeve and Rufus exit*
Cloud: *gets up slowly* Ugh... what hit me...?
Sephiroth: Seems that this door hit you... *points to the Cloud-shaped dent in the door*
Cloud: I see... AAAAHH!! Sephiroth!?
Sephiroth: No need to shout. Say, did you know that Hojo is on his way here?
Cloud: Really!? Great! I'll go tell the others!
Sephiroth: Not so fast! First, you want to do something for me, right Cloud?
Cloud: *eyes go blank* Yes, Master Sephiroth.
Sephiroth: Excellent. You know what your task is, correct?
Cloud: Yes, Master. I am to perform show tunes for you all evening.
Sephiroth: Exactly. ...No, wait. What the hell? No! You are to retrieve my lucky socks and the Weapon from Hojo!
Cloud: All right... *turns and walks off slowly*
Sephiroth: Excellent... soon I shall be able to take over and RULE THE WORLD! ...THEN I'll have him perform show tunes! Mwa ha ha!
Meanwhile, at Kalm, Red XIII has just arrived on his last leg to Midgar with the gang's materia. Little does he know he has company...
Red XIII: *Huff Huff-- Wheeze* Almost... there.... got Materia... just need water....
Hojo: Hwee hee hee... so close to achieving my goal. The President will be most pleased...
Red XIII: Hwee!? Hojo! Ack! *ducks behind a building*