Heh, I have had the worst luck with my ISP as of late. I know most people think they know what bad luck means when they’re dealing with an ISP but let’s just put it like this…I’m typing this off-line so that I know I can post it later. My ISP SUCKS. There is no other ISP in the world that could compare to the suckatude (new word :P) of this ISP. Now I know that’s very hard to believe, we’ve all tried out SOL, we’ve all tried out Nut Zero. I’m just saying, I’ve tried them too, and this is much, much worse. So how could that be? Well, I’ve been promising to tell you what exactly it has been doing to me for some time, and now that I have a little free time on my hands, I’m going to tell you.

The first thing to remember is that at times, I simply just can’t get on. Now I know busy signals are a common thing and often times it’ll strike for hours at a time, but let me just clarify that at the present moment. Despite the fact these people operate an ISP that covers two counties in California, there is only ONE ACCESS NUMBER. Yes, one phone number for the computers to dial in and contact the server. This means that for the entire ISP covering the entire area code, filled with thousands of people, there is one friggin’ number to get online. At first, I didn’t think this would be a problem, because as far as I knew, they only ran for a 20-mile area and had almost no advertisement. Boy was I wrong, I later learned that this ISP in fact covered so much space that it called itself “Valley Quik”. To give you an idea of how scary that concept is…I live in the San Joaquin Valley…The San Joaquin Valley, for those who don’t know, spans a good chunk of California. Yes, it’s a big damn valley.

So to say I got busy signals is an understatement. Since the time I first signed up with these people several years ago, they have had four occasions where I had been locked off the net for nearly 3 hours at a time. This is not just annoying, but mind numbing. After realizing I could use voodoo curses to get online, I felt as though I had solved my ISP woes. This however, was not true…not true at all *ominous thunder and lightning*

So, now we come to my current problems, besides the busy signals, I also get kicked a lot. Now I wouldn’t mind it if it were a simple kicking, but it goes further than that. I actually cannot use the Internet while online! Yes, while online I not only get the disconnects, but I find myself looking at “Page cannot be found” errors constantly. This also effects all programs across the board, making my computer more and more unstable as my ISP becomes more and more unstable. So this isn’t such a unique problem, until you realize it’s been doing this for months. Not days, not weeks, but now, officially, months. With not being able to sign on for nearly 3 hours at a time on some days, being disconnected once every 5 minutes, never being able to load any pages, slow connections, and the other understandable errors, I would have been okay. Sure, for months at a time, it might just be blamed on weather patterns or the user base climbing. However, the straw that broke the camel’s back was when they lost my password! That’s right, these people told me that my account was invalid, not once, not twice, but 7 times!!

So, after all of this, you must be thinking “well then, did you tell them about it?” Well yes, we tried to. First we called them, now mind you, with an Internet business you would think that these people would have people working 7 days a week in order to have someone there to respond over the weekends in case something went wrong. This…unfortunately…was not the case. There was no one working on Saturday, nor Sunday, in fact, we figured they never worked weekends, ever. As far as we know the weekend staff of this ISP company consists of an answering machine and a chimp with a pad and pen. Strangely enough, I’m starting to believe that this is also their weekday staff, I just can’t prove it yet.

So, like the rest of the world does when they can’t contact someone any other way, I emailed them. The email though…never made it to them. First it was because the ISP would continually kill all email programs involved. This was making it nearly impossible to send any email to them. So after figuring out how to get windows of clarity (the act of getting a stable connection for a few minutes at a time through chanting and virgin sacrifice), I managed to send one through. It was polite and asked for an explanation, however it…never made it to them. Why would it not make it to them after I had successfully sent the email through? Well, my ISP also has a funny thing with their email server, they have a spam blocker. Now to make spam disappear, it blocks all emails from anyone and then sends an email back to those people asking them to confirm that they aren’t an automated machine. Now I could understand this if it were an email coming from outside their own server but how could they possibly think we were spam when we were customers sending an email from our ISP provided email to the service provider? Well, okay, that’s not so bad, because in the end, you just confirm, and it goes through. Only one problem with that, in order to confirm you had to click and go to this webpage that would send your confirmation on to the spam blocker program. Well, that’s when shit hit the fan, because ironically, the ISP prevented us from complaining about the ISP… Yeah, see? That’s when an ISP sucks :P

I see evil

Tonight I had a healthy dose of television and once again I feel human again. However I noticed a few things from my little viewing that have frightened me and chilled me to the bone. The first of which was in the process of watching the rip off of my show “Kuso”… This crap called American Juniors. Now I’m sure some of you have seen it and I bet you have no idea why I feel it is the pond scum of television. First of all, as a reality show, it is inherently evil and lazy. It’s not created to be exciting it’s created to gain ratings fast without having to spend money or put effort into it. How hard is it to get three people to sit around and comment on people singing? I could do that in my backyard and still make it more interesting, especially considering my backyard looks like a wasteland with some sort of desert tree growing out of it. So yes, I dislike the fact it is a reality show, but wait, there’s more. You see, the only reason I tolerated American Idol is because Simon Cowell (he’s my word for the week :P) is a total ass and openly smashes everyone’s hopes and dreams on live television. That, and while in American Juniors, some faceless corporation is giving out the contract, in American Idol, Simon Cowell is the one giving out the contract…thus, he has put money and effort into the entire deal. So I respect Simon for telling the lamers to go screw themselves. However, in American Juniors, everyone’s a winner. They don’t get rid of people; they just vote people onto the group. No one gets cut, just people get chosen. Doesn’t that just make you feel warm and fuzzy? The third grade was harsher than this. The judges are always nice too, they never say anything bad about anyone, they just make everything as nice as possible. Just once I would like to see Gladys Knight not mention that the children are beautiful. But no, no insults, no downgrading, no losers. So it’s just a feel good creation of evil. And yet, there’s still more I dislike about it.

You see, aside from it being a reality show with little point, they’ve also gone a step further and chosen to make an entire group. Meaning that since these people are looking for five children they only have a 50% chance of not getting chosen. This essentially means that even if they had 9 horrible people and one good person, at least 4 horrible people would get a place in this group. Now that in itself is ludicrous but it becomes more enthrallingly idiotic when you realize that they chose to make a group of five children. Yes, they have decided to follow in the footsteps of every stupid group in existence. The Boy Band craze finally starts to settle and they start throwing kids into the fray of harmony groups as if this somehow injects life into it like a syringe full of water from the fountain of youth. Now mind you, despite the fact they have girls in the group already, they have had at least TWO guest judges who are or have been part of a boy band (possibly three, I don’t watch the show often enough to care). So I have to question their motives when they have boy band members judge children who are going to eventually be their competition. But hey, that’s just me. So then comes the real horror. I will introduce you to the fact that two of the children already in the group are in fact family, and these people are forming a group of five minors. Is anyone else getting a cold chill every time you hear one of these children sing a song made by the Jackson 5? They’re collecting 5 children, they’re using songs from back in the day, and they have a kid who perfectly fits the role of Michael. He’s black, you know, pre-fucked up Michael Jackson black…not… “I’ve only had two plastic surgeries in my whole life” pale as a porcelain doll black. So this already sets him up as stage one Michael, the one that’s cute and not hanging babies off of balconies in other countries. This kid looks so much the part of it that I almost want to hide under my desk when he shows up. Picture it, a child with dark skin and sparkling almost hauntingly doe-like beautiful eyes. This child is absolutely amazing and hypnotic to look at for people that look directly into the eyes. Then…they stick him in a silk shirt, lavender shoes, and have him waving his hands around speaking in a soft tone about “magic”. Whoops, red flag! Twenty years from now I swear to you that this child will be sitting in a witness stand making faces at cameras to show she’s a little devil. And if I’m wrong, well, in 20 years you wont know where I am, so HAH.

Anyway, I eventually got sick of this, and through the magic of cable oddities, I finally had something else to watch. You see my cable is digital and thus it should be an impressive beast with many channels. However, despite its supposed impressive nature, it in fact only has 100 channels numbered from 1 to 999. Yes, they buffer their channels with huge gaps of empty space. Well joy, this is why we pay extra money to these blood sucking bastards; channels mislabeled into the hundreds, and the occasional complete loss of channels covered by a blue screen. The thing that is most traumatizing is the fact that with the blue screen on the digital cable I run the risk of grave health problems. You see, when my computer goes to a blue screen, I usually look at the cable box to calm me down. When the cable gives me a blue screen, I look to the computer for comforting. When they both have blue screens, I’m on the floor twitching and foaming at the mouth while my dog sniffs my face. It’s not a pretty picture, ask the people using photos of this event to blackmail me.

Anyway, the amazing thing is that a few days ago things started to fill some of the gaps. I, after years of waiting and hoping, have finally gained access to the cartoon network. So essentially, I’ve finally caught up to the point that most people were at several years ago. Joy. However, in a strange fluke, this miracle of programming is not available through my cable box, but instead is available when you turn the cable box off… Anyone else confused? :P

So I’m watching this miracle and watching Trigun, when I suddenly see a commercial for Veggie-Tales videos. Now at first, it seems pretty innocent, but then they started to describe a few of the plots of the videos. Suddenly I come to a realization that the Veggie Tales cartoons in fact are communist propaganda! Sure, you don’t see it now, but let me just explain. This commercial described two of their cartoons. In the first of these cartoons, a person learned that the only way to be happy was to obey all authority and show obedience to those above him. Well okay, that could be translated to anything. Religion, politics, Microsoft programming methods; could really be promoting any of those! So I shrug that one off and just see it as stupid and silly. Then comes the next one where one of their characters realizes that the only way to make friends at all, is by sharing everything they have. Somewhere out there, an old Russian man is slamming his fist down onto his table and saying in his thick, powerful accent “FINALLY, a cartoon that speaks to ME”. I wouldn’t be surprised if somewhere down the line one of these cute vegetable characters bounces in dressed up like Joseph Stalin and introduces everyone to his new friends…the secret police. This will be the last episode, as the Joseph Stalin cucumber uses the secret police to execute all of his enemies. All in all, sounds like a better show than American Juniors.

Oh well, I’ve ranted long enough, so I’ll part with just this word of warning. Simon Cowell is watching you, and he doesn’t like what he’s seeing.

It hurts my brain

Being the media’s crack baby, I’ve got a pretty healthy knowledge of what’s out there in the world. Unlike most people I know online (note MOST people I know, not all), I watch television so much that it could essentially be considered part of the very life giving elements that keep me on this plane of existence. Because of this, I have learned quite a few things about other countries. Everything from what I learn from the discovery channel, to what I learn through observation. Want to hear two observations I have made in the past? The British sense of humor rarely makes sense, and Japanese television execs are the number one worldwide consumer of mind-altering drugs. Now I know some of you out there probably don’t believe me, but think about it for a moment. The British sense of humor has generated jokes such as “the institute of funny walks”, old fashioned police officers chasing a random person in fast forward, and the greatest British joke of all, Simon Cowell. Sure, it might make you laugh, it might make you giggle, but more than likely when you first saw it, you cringed, most especially with Simon Cowell. On the other hand, Japanese television executives I have observed must simply be the number one consumer of mind altering drugs. This observation may not be agreed to by most, but in response to those who protest, I direct you to their commercials, most especially some of their more creative work.

So as you can see, they’re two unique animals. So what happens when the British and Japanese mingle? Well, quite simply, when you mix Japanese and British concepts… The Beetles break up and Fox gives you Banzai. Yes, Banzai is a freak of nature. You see Banzai is a British show pretending to be a Japanese show selectively dubbed by Fox to pretend to be an American show (they’ve changed the bios of people on the show to make the British people appear to be American). This, my friends, is what happens when you leave television executives together in a room too long.

Now I’m not saying that Banzai is a horrible show. It’s bizarre, somewhat difficult to pick up, and at times, scary as hell. But while it’s all of those things, it’s also at times funny. Where else can you see the guy that originally played the Incredible Hulk race a Priest and Rabbi for the soul of a baby? Where else can you see a washed up actor race a dog to fetch a stick? Where else can you see the tables turn and watch Simon Cowell squirm and cringe like a jelly fish in the face of a superior animal? Where else can you see a show that has been protested by two completely different groups before even airing it’s first episode? Asian Americans protested it for the bad accents (no shitting, their problem with the show is the stereotypical accents). Animal rights activists protested it for attaching balloons to a chicken (said chicken flew away after 90 balloons were attached, so for once, a chicken had full power of flight). I'm protesting because they didn't try to make a pig fly. That would have really helped me out with a lot of arguments. "I'll admit I'm wrong when pigs fly" *flips channel* "oh…damn". So I’ve figured out a way to do it, I’m going to make my own show “Kuso”. So you keep an eye out, it’ll likely be on during Fox’s summer broadcast next to the English version Shit (which aired this year under the title “American Junior”).

Anyway, now it's time to say goodbye. I'll probably do another rant this week, so watch out for it. ^_^

I hate the sun

I hate the sun. There is a small group of people that agree with me in today’s society of sun worshippers, but I truly hate the sun. I know it gives us life, I know it gives us the warmth needed to survive, but I also know it gives us 104 degree heat waves and leaves us to boil in our own juices. Today someone came at me with a turkey baster so I know that there’s trouble brewing and this turkey wants out of the oven. Damn you sun, gobble gobble.

The only thing keeping me sane right now is the fact that the comforting music is helping me take my mind into other worlds. I don’t know about you but when you’re roasting on an open fire known as the earth you may want to send your mind to a world far far away. Yes yes, I can picture it now, no longer am I V…no no, I am Obi-wan Vnobi. Neko straps donuts to her head about this point “Help me Obi-wan”. We’ll have a nice laugh, and then I wake up and realize I fell asleep in the freezer again trying to hide from the sun. Remove the lid like a vampire and hiss when I realize it’s still daylight.

One thing I really hate about heat waves is that no matter when I go to sleep, I can’t sleep peacefully. It adds to everyone’s “V’s undead” theory when I wake up stiff as a mummy and groan as I slowly limp through the hallway with a steady lurch. Then I occasionally bump into a few archeologists and am forced to kill them savagely. Teach you to wake me up.

The worst part about the restless sleep is that not only do I wake up feeling more tired when I went down, but while I’m sleeping, I have strange dreams that are never quite settled. Yesterday I had a dream that I gained telekinetic powers but as a cost I also had my face go completely numb and freeze up. I levitated cans of Pepsi and furniture but when I tried to eat something I couldn’t move my jaw wide enough and while everyone kept slapping me in the face for reasons I couldn’t understand…I couldn’t feel it. I guess it’s just one of those things where you sleep in a heat wave and every dream you have turns to shit. I remember once when I was younger there was a heat wave and I had this dream that this pink tornado came from the sky. Then a giant hand came out of it and I realized that the clouds and the tornado were really just a big pink fluffy coat. It gets worse from there and I’ve told the story often to many people…so I’ll leave it at that. But it doesn’t hurt my theory when during a heat wave previous to that one I had a dream that I accidentally flushed my sister down the toilet. This by the way, left me horribly afraid of flushing toilets for nearly 2 years.

Anyway, I can’t really think too straight right now, it’s midnight and nearly 90 degrees. The sun is gone…but it’s still screwing me… It’s always screwing me. So I leave you with this bit of advice. Winter may be cold and bitter, but it really only wants love, and summer isn't such a nice guy after all. Bye everyone!

Neko's special day

Neko, the love of my life, the woman that gave me hope. This week you’ve graduated and done something that you thought wouldn’t come. You’ve gotten to a point in your life that you’ve been waiting for so long. This week I’ve been thinking a lot about how much you’ve meant to me and now I feel some pride in the fact you were able to go on as you have. Many times in the past we spoke of times where you felt like you weren’t going to make it. This week you’ve graduated and I’m proud of you and everything you’ve done. I felt as though writing what I felt here on the Rant would be the best way to express this. You’ve been so wonderful and caring and strong. I’m proud of you, and I want everyone to know how proud I am of you. I love you and I hope that you’ll go on to a happy life. You’ve long talked about how much you wanted to be free and I’ve noticed in the recent months how much you’ve lit up over the thought of this day.

You’re a great person, and you don’t even realize it. You’re smart, you’re witty, you’re funny, and you’re talented. Everyday I think about this and I realize how much you mean to me and how much you deserve to have this moment in your life. You’ve worked hard to get through school and you’ve gone through a lot of crap to get to where you are. You’ve put up with so much stuff from moving to fickle teachers to strange assignments that no one could seem to do. But you’ve gone through it all, and you’ve shown everyone just how strong you are. I’m happy to know you, and I’m happy to have seen you get to this point. I love you, and I hope that you will find happiness now that you’ve come to this day.

So today…the day after you’ve graduated, I would like to say to everyone… I am proud of you, I am proud of what you’ve done, and I love you. Congratulations Neko on your graduation. I love you.

Pineapple

It’s been a while since I’ve written one of these but I just felt I had to today. You see I sometimes get this urge to write and write and write. Sometimes this goes into deep detailed works of fictional designs to be used for various purposes, but in times like this, it comes down to one item…bullshit. Yes, complete and absolute bullshit out of the mouth of your favorite V. So here we go, you lucky people.

Today I was thinking about fear in the world in general and you know I have to say that I’m pretty afraid of the future. I’m not saying that it’s some doomsday waiting to happen but I have to say that when you’ve got the particular type of leadership we have at the moment in the United States I’m a little concerned. After all what other time in history have you seen the congress going on about a bill while the president has to sit in a closed room watching the episode of School House Rock that explained the process. Poor Dubya, even though he understands that part he gets lost in it when the secret service agent informs him that it’s not entirely accurate since the congress in School House Rock didn’t add an amendment to cushion their wallets more. I think that if we put him in class for people with English as a second language we’ll find a marked improvement in his speeches. I’m not saying he’s a bad president, he’s pretty caring and understanding as far as presidents have gone, but what other president talked about going to the Middle East and started with the word “crusade”. Anyone not cringing as he said it was either not listening or too shocked to react, but oh well, he seems to be getting better as he goes.

Then we have the terror alert and no one’s just quite sure what the hell is going on because we have this rainbow of colors and all of ‘em mean that some guy out there is shoving C4 up his ass and smuggling it onto a plane. Personally I think that the entire system of choosing which color goes as the terror alert is settled with a pack of lifesavers. Think about it, they open the wrapper, find which color is on top, and presto, you have yourself the color for the day. I’m just waiting for these guys to come out and say in a polite and proper tone that “today’s alert is pineapple, I repeat, pineapple”. One of these days though they’re going to have to get the guy that does the voice for Lucky in the Lucky Charms commercials. “Today’s terror alert is red balloon!” Personally I find myself having a hard time believing that all of these “credible threats” end up going nowhere and you basically have this color changing code that doesn’t seem to really faithfully express the level of danger. Down the line in the history books we’re going to see that these credible threats came from Billy in the second grade as he told his teacher that Osama Bin Laden blows up stuff. Well thank you Billy, have a lifesaver.

The only person out there in the world today that has any chance of understanding all of these threat alerts is Michael Jackson because his skin color has changed every color of the rainbow. Standing there in Neverland Ranch he’s talking to his animals. “Bobo, according to the terror alert we’re going to be bombed back to the 70s, I’m going to be a little black boy again, so I guess I’ll just have to touch myself.” Now I know there’s some people out there who are booing and hissing about that one. But you have to admit when the guy says flatly on television that he shares his bed with children, well, that’s a little bit creepy. Oh sure I don’t think he’s actually into that sort of thing but we’re talking about a guy who’s done so much plastic surgery to himself that he has to wear a fake nose when he goes out to public so that he doesn’t look like a freak. Mind you, he doesn’t realize that with or without the nose he’s a guy that gradually faded to white while the rest of the world scratched their heads and wondered what the hell he was doing. The only people in the world with more plastic in their face than Jackson are Barbie dolls and they were born that way. So we know he’s not entirely okay in that head of his, but I think he’s harmless if somewhat troubled. Still, it’s hard not to imagine him in a bad light when he suddenly hangs his baby over a balcony rail and then says he was just “caught up in the moment”. Sure Mike, question, did you think you were playing a game of “catch the baby” with the crowd below? I could picture it now, you think they give him trouble now with just hanging the kid over the rail, could you picture if he yelled out “HIKE” and let it fly like a football at the Super Bowl? Now see, THAT’S caught in the moment.

Still, in this day and age you gotta wonder who the hell is safe to leave your kids with anyway. For years they figured the church was this safe haven and suddenly you have Priests acting as the Pope’s lovely assistants when he plays “hide the pedophile” and proves that his outfit isn’t just flashy, it doubles as a magician’s costume. We’re dealing with professionals here people, shortly after making the last one vanish the Pope then took off his hat and pulled a saint out of it. He should play Vegas. It is Sin City after all, lots of work to be done down there. Yep.

But oh well, its not the first time in history where the world has been a little haywire, let’s not forget the whole Y2K fiasco. I can just imagine that humanity repeats the same mistakes in judgment in the future. Picture it, the year 3000 coming up and suddenly you have the conversation.

“Oh man, I don’t think my computer is Y3K compliant” “Ahh, don’t worry about it, there’s not much it could do anyway, what operating system do you use?” “Skynet” “Code pineapple people! PINEAPPLE!”

Anyway, that’s enough out of me, so I’m going to hush up and move along. If this was funny, good for me. If not, well, I did type it at 4 in the morning and worked on a stream of conscious style while listening to odd things in the news. Either way, it’s been done, and I’ve updated this page for the first time in a long time. So I doubt many will even read it :P

Sleeping Dragon

In all of my life I have had severe periods of ups and downs and I find that the worse the down, the higher the up. It's been months, maybe even years, since I last felt truly motivated about anything. But today I found myself being bitch slapped by the universe and I will not give up! I have found my motivation again and it's great! After a strange dream I had last night where I was being trash talked by teachers, using the slopes of a really clean floor to ski around on, and then running at the speed of sound through a crowd of people whom hardly batted an eyelash after passing. After all was said and done I woke up and couldn't place what the hell the dream meant but had this strange new feeling that felt something like a lost limb still giving you strange sensations. After a while it faded away but then I had it again. I had a talk to my dearest girlfriend and realized shortly after the end of our talk that in fact this new unknown feeling was motivation! Through the dream and her talking, I have refound my lively motivation that I lost so long ago! I swore that I would devote this motivation towards something good and worthwhile, but even while doing that, I have also found that the motivation has given me strange new powers!

Some of you may read the NNC and I have to say that the lack of motivation there has been showing for a while. But today, I have done something unbelievable, I have actually started work on friday's strip and it's only a wednesday! So wierd is this that when I started working on it I actually did something even stranger. Something that I haven't done in so long without having something catch me off guard. I..I smiled! Yes yes, you may not believe me, or you may think it's a trivial thing. But when a smile crosses my face it's like witnessing the Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot, Elvis, and a Smart Blonde, gathered around a table playing poker in the center of Atlantis! You just DON'T see it often without having something really tripped out going on! Yes, I have found life once again through the oddest of ways! Total and absolute guilt! Guilt has motivated me once again! Everyone should go out, slap someone, and have them lay a guilt trip on you! GO, GO NOW, make a difference in the world and slap someone right away!

So then there's other points of motivation, like I said, I cleared out my email, started work on the NNC at LEAST a day in advanced of when I usually say "I'll do it in a couple hours", and I've also started updating the Random Rant for the first time in so long that I'm sure some of you have forgotten this place even exists despite the fact that it's labeled right there on the side of the page with the snappy yet original title of "V's Rant". Now doing those three things alone is way different from my usual activities, but I've also responded to several of the emails I got, and I have been looking for a job! And I think as soon as I get done with clearing up this update stuff (gonna update the links too) I just might keep up this bizzarre new twist of actually doing something! I know, some of you out there are having a heart attack, but I have finally found this fire under my ass that's not caused by some chili that my dad decided to experiment on me with! Oh no! This fire burns in my soul and makes me sound like a cheesy movie plot! My Soul Burns My Power Awakens! Dreaded Dragon *roars, breathes fire*

Today is the first day of the rest of my life and I plan to make a difference with it! But just one problem as I plan to use the net to find several items very important to me. My connection keeps dying! DAMN THE CONNECTION. But that's okay, the connection's not stopping me! I have found motivation once again! Today is the day the connection will not steal from me! BWAHAHAHA! *gets dragged off by men in white coats, foaming at the mouth*

I can stop time!

Once in a while I find myself asking philosophical questions, of these can be everything from "why is it we see green and red one way, while dogs and cats see it another way, which one of us is right" to "if a monkey could speak english and had a good vocabulary, would it want to speak like us, or try to find it's own dialect?" Anyway, this mild warping of my mind every few days, weeks, months... tends to form new crazy ideas in my magic little mind.

Today, I found my new philosophical problem, why is it that when I talk, people tend to go silent? Am I boring? Am I somehow going so far over their head that there's little they can say in response? Have I offended them or maybe pissed them off? After some thinking, I have figured it out. I can stop time! That's right my fellow bags of mostly water, I can stop time! I'm not talking some pansy little watch or managing to move to the speed of light and thus becoming infinite, I am talking the ability to open your mouth or type the written word and be able to stop all movement in the range of your voice or words. As you read this, you are frozen in place as hundreds of little events pass you by and your family repeatedly pokes you with sharp and pointy sticks. Do not fear, by the time you finish reading this, you shall be fine and have only a few minor bruises you just can't explain.

So right now, I wonder, how did I get this magic ability.. ahh screw that, what can I do with this magic ability?! I'll tell you, I, V, am going to use my powers to save the world. By opening my mouth and chatting with all my nerdy might, I shall stop time long enough to catch bullets, divert missiles, freeze meteors, stop nuclear meltdowns, AND stop that damned clock on your appliances from flashing 12 oclock. Yeah, you heard me right, I will stop that damned 12 flat. World peace is just that damned easy, if you can stop all of the appliances in all of the world from flashing that damned 12 oclock everyone will be in such great moods that they wont have a reason to shoot at each other. Besides it's a well known fact most murders are really stray bullets originally aimed at the VCR or fancy toaster.

So now, I need a new name for my super hero identity. Let's see... chatter box...no.... TIME STOPPER.... nope... the amazing mouth...no... I am... dunno. But when I do know, it will be long, impressive and capable of generating emotions in those who see it. I didn't just say that the way it was just said, oy vey -_-

Anyway, that's all for this edition of the Random Rant. Bye for now you lucky people.

V mouth open, V's ass on fire

There's a few times when eeeeeeverything around me bursts into flames, this is generally when I speak my mind on a subject when even I myself find what I'm about to say stupid. I often try to calm the flames with a calming line about "you know, just warning you, this will sound stupid". But here's a lesson, that don't help, not a bit.

I should really know by now, I am an irrational, funny in the head, messed up creature mentally. Everytime I feel the urge to open my mouth, something bursts to flames, now if I could just show someone this pattern I might get a nifty nickname like "the dragon". Yeah, V the Dragon. Everything from a simple line like "needs work" to complicated, oh so stupid to say remarks that start off with "well, I think you should..." all end in the same. *WHOOSH* buuuuuuuurrn baby BURN. Unfortunately for me, when things burn, the fire is generally backlashed in my direction. The next thing you know I sound like a hemorrhoid commercial as the "before" actor. "My ass feels like it's on fire, I can hardly sit down." It's not that my own flames burn me, but the fire always comes back ten times worse than I sent it out, although it's probably just because usually when I screw up, it's one of two things that happens. Either (1) I piss off maaaaaaany people (2) I piss off someone important to me who most likely could crush my soul with a gesture if they were truly upset with me.

I'm resiliant to most forms of abuse, but to tell the truth, I'm a little jealous about some things, and a person's words can sometimes make me a very irrational person. During this time, I refer to myself not as V, but instead as "that damned fool", or TDF for short.

TDF is like V's evil twin from a soap opera. TDF's sole purpose in life is to screw V over. Eventually I'm going to find V in a coma while TDF takes over his life and tries to rule the world. Until eventually V wakes up, finds the woman of his dreams, and find out it's really TDF's evil woman robot sent to stop V from ending the plan to rule the world.

Oh well, because of this, I'm taking this time to apologize for the actions of that damned fool. Perhaps those who have felt his stupidity can forgive me and allow V to live on, hopefully not to have any problems from TDF again. Sorry for all the stupidity, see ya later *wave*

Happy Birthday to Me

I find that every year, no matter what, several things are true about my birthday. The first of which, it always seems to be a cloudy day with a chance of rain, never quite figured that out, I'd take it for symbolic value except when I was in a good mood on my birthday when I was in the fifth grade it suddenly started hailing and there was a tornado warning so it kinda threw the whole balance of birthday irony and nature out of alignment, go fig. It's one of those things where you can really look at your life, look out the window, and see a nice warm cleansing. Warm cleansing until acid rain starts to become a bad problem for all areas. During that time, I get the joy of spending my birthday dodging falling acid while trying to find the cat who thinks the sizzling fur is funny to watch.

The second thing true about my birthday every year, I always learn several valuable lessons about life and the world around me. I would like to share this year's lessons with you to help spread the joy of my learning experience.

My weak stomach is still weak as ever.

Printer Paper is good pooper scooper material

the carpet cleaner stuff my dad got a few months ago actually smells pretty good

dogs are ungrateful creatures that don't recognize birthdays and do as they please

Smoke me lucky charms, they're magically delerious. (Coel pointed that one out)
You guys all remember the whole quote that Coel's a drugged up leprechaun right? Yeah, I find more and more evidence as time goes. Dang stoner puppy.

So, the third thing that's always true about my birthday, I get home made pizza. This is the high point of every birthday since my dad has a secret way of making the crust that would easily make us money if he decided to actually put it to good use. But does he do it? noooooooo. Anyway, home made pizza is the traditional birthday meal around the house, it seems we have it for every birthday, and only for the birthdays, which is kinda sad 'cause dad's pizza is good stuff. I'd gladly hurt someone to get a piece of the pizza and I'm a passifist. Oh well, I'm looking forward to that. Hmm... I've probably ranted enough about that for now, I'm also sick (another common yet not absolute thing to happen on my birthday). So, see ya later you lucky people, here's to another year of being me!

Stupid is as Stupid does

It's been such a long time since I found stupid enough to rant about and really make sound funny. But I'm guessing the universe decided to make it easy for me when I opened up my email this morning and looked through my daily dose of spam. It started innocent enough, a few get rich quick schemes, a weight loss thing here or there, but then I found this one email that I just cannot stop laughing at. It was an email that had a link to a website that the people had designed, and below it said "This is not just a website, this is the website with a lot of useful functions, a lot of contents, a lot of members. It can upload articles and pictures automaticly, and post them online immediately. The source code can be used to generate any kind of website very easily and quickly. We sell the souce code of for only for $2,900." So, I get curious and check out the site that's worth nearly 3 grand. Nothing special, nothing at all, but of course, you know I'm curious, so I right click to test a theory. And there it was, "view source". Yes, that's right folks, the people trying to sell their source code for a half assed site for $2,900 are running a site you can get the source code off of for free.

But, that's not all, I then scrolled down in the email and found that they decided to charge more money for instructions on how to use the code. "Source code installation and instruction, $5,900". I don't know what scares me more, the fact that people will probably fall for this thing... or the fact I can probably name 5 people I know on a first name basis who will be using it.

On a less funny note, while showing you this, I realized that my squeaky computer chair's learned a new trick. I realize that while I rock it, the normal "squeak" has now become something that almost sounds like people mumbling. I think my cushion's haunted. Come to think of it, my chair can spin like that girl's head in the exorcist.

Anyway, back to stupid emails. I just found another that is stupid as hell. It's an advertisement for an all natural health product. Now, at first glance, it looks like any other health advertisement. It goes on for at least a page on how doctors and consumers love it, how it solves almost any problem that you can imagine, hell, it'll bring people back to life for only 9.95! But, after a while, this normal health advertisement shines it's creator's stupidity, not once through the full page of ranting and raving about how everyone loves it.... does it give the name.

I can see this being part of conversation, someone complains about not feeling good, person starts quoting this email. "Oh wow, that sounds great! what is it?" "I dunno".

Anyway, I better stop this little rant before I hurt my brain with it, I hope you've enjoyed my view into the mind of the idiots. Bye ^_^

The story of where the hell V went

So, some of you may or may have not noticed that I have not been online as much this week or last week as I usually am, so I figured I would tell you about it, now sit back kiddies, this is actually a slightly interesting and not at all depressing story, more wierd if anything. About 2 weeks ago I found that while the last month was horrible, this month was probably not going to go any better, it at first appeared hopeless so I spoke with several people about the impending doom that is my fragile mind and eventually someone said in a conversation with me *insert wavy lines, time for flashback... or else*
Person: "take a vacation, let the place run itself and all will go fine"
V: "you don't know these people"
Person: "who needs to know them, if they leave while you're gone, they probably weren't worth keeping in the first place"
V: "right, and monkies will fly out of my ass"
Person: "...maybe ^_^"

So, I shrug off this person, month rolls in and I start to see something very very bad. I learn a lesson *well, sorta, I've known this for some time* and here it is:

life.... sucks...

First I get ill, then break out into a horrible rash *which still exists...yay* which was the result of an allergic reaction or the heat *which.... I really hope it is, because otherwise, it's something worse, or more prolonged -_-*. So I go to my family and show them that something has apparently caused an allergic reaction or something similar. None of them agree with me, so we argue about what the rash could be. Eventually, I get sick and tired of their guesse so I go online to find pictures of known skin conditions. I found some guesses of what it could be, but unfortunately, still no clue. Just have to wait for a while, and until then, I'm itchy. But there's no other symptoms so I think I'm pretty okay ^_^

Anyway, after getting that I found that my family were starting to really piss me off and you online types were just a powder keg with a lit fuse. Everything from protests, zoning out, to sudden ideas of other chats and sites. It just seemed as if most were not exactly pleased with the current environment. This isn't helped by the fact that last month's events have left the whole place a little chaotic. We all know last month was the worst month some of us have had.

Eventually, it just looked like this:
A) I take a break
B) I snap and hunt you all down to kill you

It started to occur to me that neither would work out though. Taking a break generally makes things worse *since people can't stop touching each other while I'm gone, children in the back seat of the car, all of you! I should turn this thing right around and head right back home!* and buying a gun, ammo, and travel fees to do plan B, well that's just messy. So instead, I decided for a third option and once again I put out the lit fuse and fixed most people's problems in a jif. Then, I went onto making sure everything was in tip top shape to run without me. Then after that I started my work on MMP again for the first time in a month and a half to two months. I opened up a graphics file and started work. But there was a problem with that. I was still missing the one damned item I had been looking for over a long period of time

I haven't decided to take a break like it was suggested to me. In fact, I've decided against a break. I'm working on MMP and rewriting several storylines to fix a buttload of things that I wasn't happy with, while repairing something I've been calling "the bad place".

I eventually noticed that something was slowing down my work, several items in fact... one of which was a clock. Now MMP's got a weapon that I need a clock for the image, not just a clock standing straight up or one that's just normal. I needed a clock that was cool and short of making it myself, it wasn't gonna happen. Then, while looking through image files I got bored. So, I decided to look around my old favorites links. I went through every single page on my favorites.... that's right, all *counts them* .... 50 or so sites in a few hours.

While looking through the sites I hit a final fantasy site I hadn't been to in a long while. It struck me that slow, haste, and other "time magic" use clock images! So, I quickly put up an away, and shoved in FF7 PC version *yes neko, it exists, even if you don't believe me :P* to find a clock image. I find one. It's 3d, it's unique, but it was just not what I was looking for, too fat and ugly. I moved onto the next FF I had within arms reach, FF8 PC version. Now the funny thing about my FF8 game, for the longest time I've had it, I've had a file on it that existed in disc 2. It's so far into the game that it was right before the half way point ...at level 10. Behold, the miracle of what someone refers to as "cockroach playing". Playing on and on with the lowest level possible, just refusing to die. Sounds a lot like a family reunion of an average farmersville family to me *shrug*.

Now, I try a "slow" spell to see if that's the clock I wanted and there it was, a beautiful clock in just the right angle for my idea. If my eyes could only turn big and shiny like an anime character going chibi, they would have. I took the image as quickly as I could and pasted it to my graphics program and at last, my mighty screenshot captured, my image ready. I was nearly in tears for getting it so easily after looking for months on end to find this image and now that I had it, I was so happy. So I tried to cut out the clock exactly to get what I needed. But, as I was cutting it out I noticed a streak of purple light crossing my beautiful clock's path. That bastard light ruined my prized screenshot!! So, I stopped for a moment, thinking of alternatives...

At first, I figured I could edit it out, save some trouble... but fate likes to stomp on things. Computer glitch while trying to scan in a picture my computer must have thought was 7 feet long even though it was only an 8x10 ended up sucking up my ram into an abyss and shooting it out into some other dimention. The result result of this you ask? My computer crashed. Not just crashed, crashed badly. This caused me to bounce for a day and worst of all.... I lost my beautiful screenshot ;_;

So, I figured "okay, just play again, try to get the same shot". Problem there, I could never get the right camera angle and when I did the enemy killed me before I could cast the spell *thank you very much cockroach playing level 10 characters!*. So, I decided on one thing and one thing only... I would start the game over, get to where I had the power to stay alive long enough to get the screenshot, cast the spell, and get the hell outta there in time to mock my computer for not smiting me for once!!! AHAHAHAHAHA!!! But, after a while, I realized something while playing the game. I was relaxed and didn't think of much else, I realized that I actually like FF8 O_o

Now, this wasn't what made me disappear, not by itself, oh no, not by a long shot. FF8 was just one of several elements. You see, the first day I fully disappeared, it was a mixture of accidents. I got online, no one was on, so, I sat around and browsed for a while, trying to find something interesting. Message comes on the internet answering machine, I'm stuck having to hand over the phone to my sister and going off line. I figure "hey, while I'm off, might as well play a little FF8 and pass the time away*. So, I'm doing that and then I'm told I can go back on and I do. I find that once again no one is on so I go back to playing FF8, nothing else to do. While I'm playing, 3 more messages come on the internet answering machine. This is a lot of messages.

My house generally gets 2 calls a day, if that. For some reason, all of October, we've been getting at least 7 a day. Maybe someone was spying on me and holding up a huge sign saying "he's not in chat, call my demons call!" so they call like mad. So, I play FF8 while my mom and sister answer their messages. Time passes, the cycle continues
calls come in
I play FF8
find save point
log on
no one's on
more calls come
log off
let them answer messages
play ff8
look at time, think "it's time to log back on"
log back on
... no one's on again
And then, deciding that it was someone giving me a sign, I signed off for the rest of the night, figuring everyone was just off for the day, or they were somehow telepathically sensing my coming and playing a game of transcontinental digital cat and mouse. This... funny thing... has happened 4 days in a row.... messages, playing game, finding no one on, eventually just logging off. That's why I disappeared.

Now, funny thing is I'm relaxed and I feel like chatting again and I feel like being interesting again and working on fun project and helping people out!! Just generally being what I was before I became a ticking time bomb of hatred. The only problem I have right now is I can't find the right angle for my damned screenshot anymore. Bastard game is screwing me over! I think I'm gonna have to tinker with the config....

Oh well, by next week everything will be a-ok, super duper and I'll be back to my online "never leave the computer a moment not even when you're dying" ways because I've heard you guys haven't been keeping yourselves entertained without me. Bad online people, bad! I leave for a few days, you all scatter around the house and forget to go in the litter box! Now I have a floor to mop and some furniture to fix *rolls up newspaper*

I'll be working on everyone's problems again, just come and talk to me, no prob with my new relaxed state. Hell, it's occured to me about a new way to deal with people's problems. I think we need to slip drugs into everyone's cocopuffs.

I can see it now:
"chomp chomp, wheeeeeee @_@"
And then we send them bouncing down the street in their undies singing commercial jingles. Until we get bored of their druggy antics and call the cops hoping we'll get on tv. Oh the world of the back stabbing hillbilly...
"hey ma, pa's out drunk again"
"time to get on cops, get me the phone"
"bad boys bad boys, what ya gonna do, what ya gonna do when they come for you"
"dammit kids, quit singing the song before pa gets ta thinkin'"

Hmm... it's friday, time for V to update the NNC. I know everyone feels sorry for the metool...but don't worry, he gets payback. And if my star wars spoof isn't enough for you, just swing on by Thumb Wars. Disturbed yet? I believe it's just the beginning. Mwahahahahaha *cough cough, spray* hahahahahahahahaha!!! Oh well, I'm gone :P

The Whoopie Cushion of God!

I can't believe how bad this month has turned out, it's like once a week something bad has to happen. God has a funny sense of humor, it seems right when there's a good chance for an ironic moment, it happens. "HAH, made you look mortal, now behold my whoopie cushion". I almost expect that God created humor just so he'd have something to watch between making miracles and making people see his son's face in a plate of mashed potatos. Speaking of which, why is it that you always manage to see his face in something that could be molded into that shape on purpose by someone bored... while you see the devil's face in something completely random? I don't know about you, but everytime there's an explosion or major fire I find at least four pictures of satan's face in the smoke, some say those images even laugh... fear the paranoid fire fighters. I've seen some faces in random objects, like sonic the hedgehog's face in a walking stick, kirby's face in a marshmellow, mario's face on a plumber and in a video game, and Lincoln's face in a penny!

Anyway, from the fourth of this month *september* I have known it was going to be a bitter bitter evil month. I started it with a bright outlook on the universe, I had a gift to send to Neko for her birthday, a group of problems that had been settled, and a good outlook on life overall. First off, my gift idea was rejected by my sister who suddenly gained ownership of everything in the house including my soul for a while, then finding that I couldn't send a gift directly to Neko because her father is pretty much a jerk and seeing a gift all the way from where I am would bring up questions. Behold mortals, the whoopie cushion of god is a powerful source of holy irony!

Okay, seeing as I've fallen away from my general bitch over the month, let's focus on today. First off, I recieved papers that my family's being evicted for something that was supposed to be cleared up. This is much like recieving a punch in the gut that you thought you had blocked, funny thing. You see it coming, you move to block it, then oops, you've got eviction papers in your gut. What wierds me out is the man was smiling while giving it to me. This is the lawyer mark "hi my friend, I'm happy as I can be serving you the papers that will put you onto the street, I don't really care about your problems, but I'm getting my money so I'm just fine, now excuse me, I must go slither into the tall grass to bite the ankles of the nearest child, sssss". What I wouldn't give to have a shovel to cut off the bastard's head right then, 'cause dats how ya deal wit dem snakes up in da hills.

So then I've had that little weight in my lap, but it could get worse... in fact it did... But I wont get into that, I figure I've bitched enough for one sitting. Bye for now.

V's two cents about world events

It seems that over the past few days, I've had a pretty full to do list:

look for a job

talk to people about their problems

watch the news for hours on end

vacuum the living room

win back my space from the cat (and my dinner)

save the world one person at a time

Yeah, I know, pretty lofty goals, I'm never going to win back my space and dinner from the cat...

So you can see why I have taken so long *around 2-3 days* to get around to making my statement on the WTC attack. I know you guys have heard something from everyone. It seems anyone with a website is putting up a post about how they feel sorry for the people who were lost, and to pray for the survivors and the safety of the world. But in all the chaos and statements, no one's said one thing I really think everyone needs to hear. Something I think everyone needs someone to tell them right now, and I might as well be the one to say it. The world is not going to end, everything is going to be okay someday, we just have to wait for that day to come.

Right now, I can already see people all over the continent looking at this and facefaulting at the very concept that I could think that "everything will be okay". But I am just looking at this, and I can't see this bringing the end of the world. Yes, it was horrible, it was tragic, it was deadly and it will never be forgotten. But that doesn't mean it's the end. Yes, this is a bad month, a lot of horrible things happening really fast, a lot of large events just piling up. But I am disappointed at how easily people around the net have decided to roll over and die. Within the past few days I have been all over the net looking at the reactions to this tragic event, and I keep seeing so many claims that "the world is going to end" "this is the beginning of world war three" "why doesn't the killing end". Not once, has anyone even tried to find a light of hope for the future. This is not the end people, it can't be, because I don't think if this was the end that there would be lines that last for 5 hours for a single blood bank, not just in New York, or other big cities, but even in Visalia and Farmersville, the small, insignificant area of land I live in.

I've lived in this area of california for more than a decade. I have watched their reactions to horrible events, and I have seen them not care about most of them. But now, there's a line 5 hours long, even in this uncaring little hole in california. So I say, this can't be the end, because right now, we're seeing the best in the human spirit in even the most uncaring of places.

Now something I'm getting really tired of is the scare of war. Yes, there will be a war, but no, it wont be as horrible as you believe. I have listened to the announcements from the world leaders and the majority of them are on our side, and believe this was horrible. So if there's a war, it wont be a World War in the traditional sense, it will be the terrorist groups having to fight against the majority of the world. Even some countries that were former enemies of the United States have said that they will not tolerate such an action as this terrorist attack. This is a horrible event not just for us, but for the world, and there are some countries that could care less, but there are others that wont stand for such a thing, and I doubt any country will stand in defense of... what are honestly... cold blooded murderers, against a good portion of the world.

So now, I ask you, what do you want to do? Do you want to live in fear right now, or stand up to this and say you wont accept it anymore? Terrorism would have come no matter, and just by ignoring the little bombings doesn't mean that everything was okay, but now, something big has happened, and the world notices, and now it wont be allowed to happen like this anymore. So instead of living in fear, and dread, and horror... try to see this as a chance for the world to end this evil. And I can understand if you mourn, and I can understand if you cry, and feel a great loss, but please, don't see this as the end, don't see this as a sign that life will no longer go on and that everything is going to come to a war to end all wars. I believe that someday, we'll rise from these ashes and strike down the evil that created this tragedy, I can only hope the rest of you can believe that as well.

I feel a great sorrow for those who lost loved ones, or their feeling of safety and I pray for the best for you and hope that someday these deep wounds can heal, but don't give up on life, it's far too soon for everyone to just believe that everything is coming to an end. May we always remember the events of 9/11/01... but not let them ruin the rest of our lives.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

The title of today's rant pretty much describes the condition of tv this week in V's area. Never before has TV pissed me off so much, but like I stated when I was 13 and realized I had a good 5 years more of school "mommy, I'm pissed". I've looked at the crap on tv, and there is nothing worth watching today, tomorrow, the day after, or the day after. It's been getting worse lately, I can't find out when and where the hell a damned show is going to be on.

This morning, while eagerly waking up early in the morning *when the sun rose to be exact* I was groggy as hell but didn't care, it has been weeks since I saw a cartoon and I was needing my cartoon fix before going into some form of daze where I believe I really am the cartoons in some delusional fantasy and hit my sister over the head with an anvil while announcing that I was "A POKEMON MASTER" and then named my anvil "anvilchu, the heavy ass bastard pokemon, often found, hardly caught as it generally falls from the sky onto unsuspecting trainer's heads"

Anyway, moving away from V's little insane rompings through crappy pokemon rip offs. Back to ranting about TV screwing me!

So I was up early in the morning, turn on TV, find out that every single cartoon show that I wanted to see this morning *Digimon Season 3, Robots in Disguise, etc etc* was OVER ALREADY. Why would all these shows be over at the crack of dawn you ask? Well I'll be happy to answer. BASEBALL! Yes, Baseball, a sport that I can never get excited about, I know it has it's good points, and it has to be entertaining to someone or it wouldn't have lasted so long, but when it cuts off my dose of midget animals and giant robots kicking the crap out of other animals and robots, well then I'm just pissed. Maybe I could understand it if they actually thought of it logically here, you may be wondering right now what I mean by the "thought of it logically" thing, so let me explain. This week, according to commercials in my area, the fox channel in my area was going to show the first episode of "Robots in Disguise" the new transformers anime that up until now you could only see in Japan. So I'm happy to see a transformers anime since after a while, you get tired of the watered down CG version of what was originally a cool anime series. So I'm waking up early to see it, since they managed to put it on early in the morning *according to the commercials mind you, it was supposed to show at like 7:30 or so*. So the commercials said "Transformers:Robots in Disguise at 7:30" blah blah, turns out, turn on the TV, do some quicky math, it was really on at 4:30 in the fucking morning!! So I bring in the question "what kind of fucked up schedule puts children's programming on at 4 in the morning, and then forgets to announce the change at all, leaving kids to see about 2 hours of actual shows (out of place) before baseball shows up, with absolutely no announcement of the change in their schedule, and no thought of perhaps showing the children's programming AFTER the baseball game?" So think it over quickly while you finish reading this sentence, then I give you the happy answer...

So, what's the answer? Well, I can only come to one conclusion, the people of Fox 26 of Fresno California, are smoking crack. Yes, smoking crack, it's the only logical explaination of why you would advertise something at 7:30 and show it at 4:30 instead. And I got proof of this too, as of 6:30 in the morning they showed an episode of Digimon at the MIDDLE point... yes the middle point... no beginning, no first commercial, just the middle.. and then at 6:45, the show was over. Now I know you're thinking "okay they noticed their mistake and showed the beginning there right?". NOPE, they went right along, so the next show was on 15 minutes earlier than it should have been *and three hours earlier than advertised*. So, you figure "they had to catch it somewhere" well, you're kinda right, they did stop the show at about 6:50 and then jumbled around *you could tell by the black screen and silence for at least a good 4 minutes* and then they went back on, 'cept, it wasn't what should have been on, it was the show that was supposed to be on an hour later. So finally at 7, they get their act together and fix their whole schedule *still three hours ahead of advertisements* But by this time all of my shows are over and they ruined a Digimon episode, so V goes back to sleep.

Now I dunno about you, but the moment someone screws up your tv that badly, they have wronged you in a personal way if you're part of my generation or the following generations. You might talk badly about my friends, family, and even me, but you diss my tv and you're going to get my foot up your ass faster than you can say "shoe induced constipation". I was not happy as my family spoke to me today. Although, it should be noted, I was damned witty as my sarcasm was razor sharp this morning. I can give you a quick example of how sharp and quick it was this morning through a quick story.

So I was looking through the sunday comic strips while my dad was on the internet and my sister was getting ready to go to school to clean up a football field, my dad says something to my sister and her response to it is "that's not supposed to happen" so without even hesitating I come into the conversation with "just like you breathing". I got smacked by my mom, but it shut my sister up and my dad thought it was funny as hell. I also got a few good lines on her in the store while buying food for the week, but that's another story.

Anyway, I find it's getting pretty late, I think I'll rant some more later today *it's about 3:30 AM right now* so keep a look out.

Loner rides again

Through most of my life I've found that I often do a lot of things alone. I speak very little IRL unless there's someone really worth talking to or something worth saying, most people wont agree with this nowadays because I tried to liven up for a while, but after a few months of being lively I've started to feel like a trained chimp with a leash shoved up it's ass being cheerful and happy for a rotten banana. I don't know if any of you have tried it, but when someone tells you that if you do something you'd be more popular, don't do it, it just makes things worse. For the majority of my elementary years I followed what everyone told me to do and somehow I was always just one step behind and made to look like a jackass when it happened. I swear if I just ate carrots and yelled heehaw I would pass off for a jackass no problem.... probably would have been a lot thinner too in those days if I did eat carrots. But dammit, carrots aren't as yummy as a twinky!

For at least a good 8 years of my life I tried my best to be the good little monkey. I lost the weight, dressed a little less tight, put on some more colors, cleared up my freckles and acne, and tried to smile. I look like a goofy idiot when I smile, a few people have quoted it as looking like I'm stoned and having the absolute best trip in my life. So, smiling is a bad thing, scratch that, just keep face straight and try to be funny so that others smile. Okay, that works a bit, everyone likes talking to you now, turns out your a very interesting and somewhat quirky person that can provide hours of entertainment because dammit, you're such a smooth talker you could sell ice-cubes to eskimos in the middle of winter up near the artic circle. That's pretty much what the last half year of my school life was like, that's why I felt like a trained chimp. And damn was that banana rotten, I ended up having only friends living inside the magic box in the corner of the living room that people say I've been zombified in front of for months on end. I'm not zombified dammit, I'm a vampire, not zombie, vaaaaaampiiiiiiiire. And my cat, she is ninja.

Generally I have only one to two friends, always having my cat involved. It was katie for years, but she's passed on, god bless her little furry soul, and now I have Chrissy who I think doubles as Satan's bastard kitten when left in the woods with the cast of sluggy freelance. I can just see her out in the woods, panicked teenagers running for their lives, a slight "mew" and then one of their heads falls off and rolls into the bushes, little chrissy licking her paw and acting cute. I know she can do it, she's carved enough cuts into my arms from playful runs around the house to show me she has that killer instinct. Interesting note, play the Crystal Drop MP3 from the Armitage III soundtrack and Chrissy seems to calm down, while if you turn on Ninja Scroll she gets lethal on your ass, who knows why, just happens.

Well, that's enough outta me, I might make a few more rants in the next few days, I miss me Neko and need something to do.

Fourth of July, joy joy

I love starting out a holiday with a bang don't you? I've had bangs for several days now actually, illegal fire works ringing in the birthday of the USA. You have to love the fact that these people firing off these illegal fireworks aren't even citizens of the USA, not legal ones anyway. Hmm, second thought, it's fitting they use the illegal ones now that I think about it.

I love the concept of how we celebrate this holiday, as an episode of the Simpsons once quoted "celebrate the birth of your country by blowing up a small part of it". Personally I don't get the concept of firing off things on the ground, the illegal ones are much more fun and they cause so much more damage. I'd really love to see someone try to fire a "screamin' demon" into the air. Sure, they make loud noises and pretty sparkles, but do they explode? nooooooo. I wanna see something explode. I want to celebrate my country by dropping cherry bombs down into some car's gas tank and watch it explode as the fires dance around in the wind of other people's cheap ass fireworks. Run around and dance with a helmet full of sparklers and hands holding two brightly lit roman candles. Sure, everyone around me will be lit on fire and put in the hospital for a week, but dammit, that's my America!! Then, I wanna light up several of those cheap fireworks from a distance with a flame thrower while cackling at the top of my lungs so that dogs will howl at the horrible noise of screaming fireworks, bright lights, and "the insane boy down the street again".

We all know I'm kidding, that's illegal and they'd drag me off like a crack dealer dressed in drag trying to get picked up. Funny, I think I saw that on Cops once, heh, fruity bastard crack dealers are funny people. Oh, speaking of funny people, I've found in recent weeks that my fat bastard uncle has been sighted, this is like seeing big foot and the loch ness monster mind you. Apparently, from the description, he might well pass as one of those two monsters. It's like hearing old backwoods folklore. "He was big as a tree, hair growing from all ends of his massive body, a stench of beer and shit wafted around him, his eyes seemed to hold the intelligence of man but his grunts showed his primal nature, and as we passed, he looked upon us and showed us his greetings as he rose the single finger into the air and saluted us in his beastly majesty".

Well, I'm actually less bitter than usual but twice as confused. My cat katie died not too long ago and I nearly fell apart a few times, but now I have a new kitten to keep me company. Her name is Chrissy, a grey and white kitten with enough energy to run a small house on. She bolts around the house like a bat out of hell with a rocket up it's ass and starts to shred objects with her claws flying through the air like well sharpened katana blades. She is like the wind, swift, silent, but dangerous... she is ninja. I have never had so many cuts on me as when she goes into her little hyper playful moods. I really need to clock her speed one of these times, she somehow manages to be in every room of the house at the exact same time, or at least what seems to be the exact same time. You blink and she's gone, find her on the other side of the house playing with old dirty clothes or shoe laces. At night she attacks me for hours on end, coming into the dim light of my digital clock long enough to make out the expression on her face. It's a priceless look of fear, excitement, and high ammounts of caffine that she somehow gets into. The remarkably wide-eyed and frightening look of "O_O" on the kitten's face.

Oh well, she's attacking me again, so I better cut this short, I might rant again soon, this is turning out to be a wierd week. Oh well, I'm gone.

Lucky Charms

I have been up since 6:15 a.m. this morning, which at the time of typing this is, is only about a half hour or so ago. I haven't waken up this early in almost 6 years... watching the sunrise while having just woken up is a totally different experience than watching the sunrise while never having gone to bed. On the one hand, never having gone to bed, I feel somewhat pleased to see the sun rise, and I skip off to bed like a vampire hopping to his coffin so that I can hide away from the hateful rays of the sun that will make me burst into flames without the strongest sunblock and some damned cool sunglasses. Because as we all know, Vampires can't leave the house without looking cool or wicked, and the wicked thing is so last century, like, for sure :P

Anyway, the reason why I'm up so early is the furball Coel. He somehow appeared in my room bouncing around on my bed like a leprechaun with a supply of Lucky Charms laced with speed. "Smoke me lucky charms, they're magically delerious. Come and enjoy the purple demons, orange spiders, and pink paranoid delusions! Just follow the rainbow leaping from your head!". What scares me is just how fast Coel goes from bouncing like a kangaroo on crack to sleeping like he's so tired his body could collapse in on itself like a dying star collapsing into a black hole. I expect a sudden boom to come from the nearby recliner and then get sucked in. So if I disappear for some reason after bitching about coel, you know what happened...

AGH, there's nothing on the tv except sailor moon this early in the morning. The cold, cruel fate is eating away at my brain! Why is everyone so stupid in the god damned show as to not notice basic similarities in appearance!? First they have a moon princess in their dreams and flashbacks who... oh my god... looks just like sailor moon with a dress that would probably last a whole two minutes if she actually walked anywhere! But there's a worse one, the Darien deal... he's shown up in several forms that I have seen... and every single form they don't recognize him until they remove his cheap mask that you could probably get out of a vending machine. I don't know if these people need glasses or the artists are just lazy, but whatever it is, V is not happy about it!

Oh yeah, another thing, how is it that Sailor Moon is suddenly able to kick a monster's ass the moment she puts on the shortest damned skirt she possibly can and a little damned crown that she throws around like a frisbee? Is it some form of slut power...? This teaches children that prostitutes can be super heroes too! I think Darien is their pimp, why else would he wear a cape and have the big hat and cane? He also hops in just as they're getting beat on, like a pimp with his ladies. I swear after each episode is done he smacks them around for not having his money. Notice how he fights too... swinging a cane around, they just always remove the sound of "pay da fee or leave mah bitches be". He always just stands around and watches the girls work to, or tells them what to do, and they love him for it! Why is it they have hearts coming from their eyes if all he does is tell them something they usually already know? (Coel) well thats the magic of me lucky charms says I.

The sun comes... finally it rises above the mountains enough that it bombards my house with it's light. This is a bad sign, if I so much as see the hint of a daywalker I break for it :P

oh well, I'm gone.

Day from hell! (no, not monday)

Sometimes you wish you could rewind the day, play it in slow motion, and scream at yourself to do something different so that you don't screw up the same way twice. This was one of those days. Except not only did I screw up the same way twice, but actually, many many more times as well. Imagine if you will, V, making a nice and happy lunch since he's hungry as hell and passed up free food from fear it may be poisoned. V thinks to himself "meow meow meow meow"... er.. that was my cat, instead I was thinking "ah, food, at last". So what happens? V DROPS IT! Yes, drops it, shattering a glass dish and causing a huge mess. I would be okay if it was just a mess. I was able to clean the mess in no time and eventually talked to the mess as a friend. We laughed, we cried, I threw it in a trash can. But could the shattering glass get along with me as well as the mess had? Nooo, the shattering glass decided it must smite V with great haste.

Somewhere, little children are playing, men and women running about in the warm sun, the scent of flowers floating through the air... But alas, there will be no peace and joy in Farmersville, for mighty V is CUSSING HIS ASS OFF AT THE SIGHT OF HIS OWN BLOOD, RUUUUUN. Ahem... needless to say, it hurt... it hurt bad... not the hurts to look at type of hurt... more like the "I wish I could make my worst enemy feel this pain" type of hurt. Anyway, I remove the painful fragments of glass from my leg and think to myself "it can't get worse right?". Hah, I keep forgetting fate sits in my living room for the show. The moment I take out the last piece of glass and clean the blood, my dog sits on power cables and cuts off the power to my computer, crashing it. THANK YOU COEL!

Speaking of Coel, have I ranted about him yet? Coel is my sister's new dog, a full grown... uh... mess. I don't know the damn dog's breed! I'm betting mutt. He's a tiny white furball that is always under people's feet and getting in the way. In a single day he can be found jumping up and down the hallway like he's one of those super bouncy balls, running around a person's feet so close that they litterally have to drag their feet to keep from stepping on him, and sitting on my power cables under my desk against the wall while looking up at me with an innocent look that would probably fool a jury in a court but sure as hell doesn't fool a jaded teenager who just had glass in his leg. I believe Coel has taken it upon himself to change my view of the world around by being as sickeningly cute as possible. He is always there in close range during the times I am most bitter.

Picture this... the waking hours of morning, eyes opening slowly as my focus is blurred and the only thoughts in my mind are "oh god no... not the real world, not yet, I almost had the secret to life and the location of the remote to my tv". Sad thing to note, I do put the value of my remote higher than the secret of life in the mornings, then they kinda balance out by lunch time. Anyway, wishing I could go back to sleep, knowing I can't, I try to rise from bed. I start slowly... and then, I hear it... the sound of loud breathing that could only be done with tiny lungs trying to move more air than physically possible with such a small nose. I don't even need to look to figure out who or what it is... it's a simple reflex now "Coel.. jump on my bed and I punt your doggy butt into orbit". I turn to face him, and there he is, his big eyes centered on me and giving off the super cute and fluffy dog vibes. So I watch him for a moment, hoping he'll go away if I stare him in the eyes long enough to show my superiority at a staring contest. Then I find a flaw in my plan, this dog... does not blink! So I give up, drag myself out of bed and down the hall. Coel bounces along with me. Coel:1, V:0. I'd continue, but let's just say it like this, Coel is not a pet, Coel is an unstoppable force of nature packaged in fluffy white fur. I think the next time I get a new pet, it's going to be a hurricane or something, just for the change of pace.

Anyway... I think I've lost the point of this rant.. so I'm going to move onto another point. I actually graduate on Thursday of this week, yay for me. Yeah, I passed my class. More surprising, without voodoo, bribes, or threats of physical or emotional abuse. So I'm out of school and free to roam the earth... the age of V has arrived. Anyway, I still have to make an appearance at school, so I should probably call it a night for this rant. There will be more however, graduation practice is coming and I'll be quite bitchy when I get out of it. So bye for now.

Return of the Rant (aka, Enter the Dragon ass)

"Enter the Dragon Ass"? Good lord man, what are you thinking? Heh, well, take a match after a traditional mexican food dinner, light it, hold it in the right place, and you too can breath flames from your behind while making the sounds of a roaring dragon rampaging through the streets of Tokyo. Well, okay, not really, but that'd be some trick wouldn't it? Now you people might be wondering "V, why haven't you updated the rant lately?" well, simply put, eh *shrug*. Okay okay, so you probably want something detailed, so here it goes.

While running the chat, parts of the site, and trying to develop the hottest new RPG2K game of all time (shameless plug with false advertising)!! I had very little time to do anything, let alone try to rant about pointless things which probably are less important to me than they are to you, the sucker, er... visitor, reading this. However, because I've been so busy, I've had a lot of things stored up to rant about, so believe me, by the time I'm done, you're going to cry to mommy about how bad mister V warped your fragile mind... or just kick my ass for bugging you with this mindless dribble, whichever comes first and is more entertaining to you.

First off, I'd like to point out that I am currently struggling to pass a class which I slacked off in (okay, so one time I felt watching paint chips fall off an old wall was more interesting than the work, if that makes the situation any easier to understand). It's not that I'm not a smart guy, hell, I know more than the teachers half the time, it's just that I don't give a damn. "But V, you have to give a damn, it's your education". Right? Haha, well you try thinking that a class that wastes a whole chapter of the text book to explain you put money in a bank (yes, just that, nothing more), as an important class to your education. A 9 year old with head injuries knows this subject matter! Why oh why do they have a text book in the SENIOR YEAR OF HIGHSCHOOL, where they have a page with a picture of people eating popcorn and the question "what are these people doing?" pasted in the corner, and they expect you to answer that too! Whee, sure, I should be passing this class with a blindfold on and one hand missing, but I just said "screw it, not important". Now kiddies, this shows you right now, even V screws up in judgment calls. Turns out, the work I figured as pointless was a big part of the grade, so much so, that even though I've passed EVERY TEST with an A, I'm still failing at around a 54%. To get a 60%, which would be passing, I have to do one of several things:

Turn in all my late work and everything to come, plus pass the final with an A

pass the final with an A and turn in all of the upcomming work with A quality

kiss the teacher's ass and prove that I'm king of the Brown Nosed Bastard Clan

black magic voodoo ceremony involving a pig, an ancient dagger, strong alcohol, and a girl (okay, the girl and alcohol are for me... but they don't have to know that)

Any spectators to the voodoo ceremony will have to wait for a while to see if I actually need it though, I might actually do my work *neko whips him* OKAY I'LL DO MY WORK!!

Speaking of violent women with a whip... my mom has taken up the guilt trip method of controlling me. "Oh my baby's not going to graduate". Then the moment my back is turned "cause I'm going to kill him before then!". She's not too pleased with my grade if you can't tell, eh heh. Anyway, I'm going to pass, I'm pretty sure I can do it with little effort, just have to make sure I don't screw up! V not screwing up... uh oh... I'm screwed o_o"

Anyway, seeing as I have to get off to do some more updates and make up more late assignments, I'm ending this here, don't worry, I'm thinking there'll be more in the near future. Oh well, I'm gone.

GDV's opinion on....

Politics

I say politics are a cheap theatrical play ran out so that we think we're voting for the president when really it's some stuffed shirt assholes who get bribes and can really choose whoever they want. That's what the Electoral College is, a bunch of people who can make any decision they want. I'm going to get into the electoral college someday just so I can vote in a monkey for president, ya, you heard me, a monkey, at least mudslinging with a monkey in politics will be more interesting because then it wont be mud that the canidate is slinging. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... *cough cough* sorry...

Another thing that really ticks me off about politics are the sore losers who can't give up, not mentioning any names *glares at Al Gore* but they can get pretty damned annoying and end up holding the country hostage, I think if he really wants a tie breaker that'll work, he should cut the crap with the recounts out and challenge Bush to a battle to the death. The person who kills the other becomes president and also gets a ton of women falling at his feet and calling him Conan the Barbarian.
Al Gore: Tipper... get me the battle axe...
George Bush: The greatest pleasures of a warriors life are to crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of your women... YEEHAW

That's right Mr. Bush... that's right indeed...

Hot Chocolate

Gotta love it on a cold day, you get the water ready, get out the mix for the hot chocolate, mix it up, and you've got a steaming cup of hot chocolate and... some really damned cruddy tasting brown crap left at the bottom of the cup! AGH!! What is that stuff? I'll tell you what that is... that's negative emotions right there, don't drink it! it's there to corrupt the purity and yummy nummyness of your hot chocolate, kill the brown cruddy crap!! *holds up giant sword with the japanese word for "overkill" etched in the side of the blade*

Family

Family can be good sometimes, bad sometimes, or just plain annoying other times. Personally, I'm okay with some members of my family, but others are a real pain in the ass, such as my Uncle Bill who wants to come and beat the crap out of me when I turn 18 since I will no longer be a minor and he can attack. Guess who's asking for a metal baseball bat for his birthday, BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Anyway, I'm going to be damned sure that if Bill does come to try to attack me, he's going to regret it, who cares if he nearly weighs twice as much as me and is much stronger and taller, I'm filled with so much rage from 13 years of school that I could take down Mike Tyson if I had to, so bring it on Bill, it's time for you to suffer the fate of the bullies, let's see who's next to be trash canned ^_^

SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAYerr... *checks calender* MONDAY MONDAY MONDAY forgot my birthday was on a monday this year, shhh..Come see the battle to the death between the drunken idiot Bill vs the sarcastic web addict Jeremy, see as they pound each other into dust with spiked clubs of doom (well, I'll be using the spiked club, he's going to be unarmed... HEY, HE'S HUGE OKAY? >:( ) Monday Feburary 19, 2001

BE THERE

Another thing about families that can get annoying are parents. They are the hypocrites of the family, you know, they did something when they were younger that got them in trouble but you do the same thing and they chew you out? is that fair? NO! But they do it anyway because "i'm the parent and I say so". So when I become a parent (IF I become a parent, first I have to kind of get married or somethin' y'know?) I will let my children run free like little demons, watch out, they're gonna get you, BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Well... almost, see, I'm pretty tame as people go, I don't get in trouble, so really, if I nail my kids for bad behavior, then I wouldn't be a hypocrite (NOW THAT'S a change of concept there!!)

Anyway, I think I've done enough on this one, I might do another real soon, it'll be in the GDV's Opinion on style too if you like this enough, I'll even have people vote on what you want me to give my opinion on, watch what you wish for though... see ya!

10-31-00

Ah, Halloween, a holiday I used to love, it seemed to represent all the dark and evil parts of the world hidden behind a cloak of bright and happy energy generated by little kids hocked up on skittles and other sugar heavy treats. Now I realize that the dark and moody part of the whole holiday was the goths and me, man I miss the goths, they all left Farmersville for something better (I think Seattle, not sure) and left me, the moody loner boy to look at the horrid reality that the majority of small california farm towns are filled with people who think the scariest thing they can be is a happy clown with a rubber nose. Damned drunken bastards don't realize this is supposed to be a holiday of darkness, they think it's a time where they can dress up as something stupid, dammit, I never even get to see some hot vampire chick like they have in the comics, cartoons, and tv shows. Where's my halloween party? Where's my scary demon people coming to my front door? Where's the drunken uncle telling ghost stories? Where the hell is Famersville???

Living in Farmersville is, in itself, a nightmare of horrible creations. Don't think of it as a type of "god I'm bored" kind of scary, think of it as a "I summoned Satan into my computer and he installed Windows 95.... and I have a mac!" kind of scary, like as if it's not really happening but you know it's true, and the only thing you can possibly figure out to do about it is pray and hope god takes enough pity on you that he'll send some form of thing to strike down the evil that has fallen around you. Maybe I need to spam god's email and get his wrath to strike me down, taking farmersville with me and ridding the world of the stupid drunken evil. It would be a heroic sacrifice remembered by no one, but at least I would know that I had done a good thing, as I sit in the pits of hell for calling god a dick...

Anyways, the only thing I like about Halloween anymore is my dad's pumpkin carving, he does some crazy shit on his pumpkins, last year he did a Darth Maul carving that was so freaking evil looking little kids cried when they came to our door. That's the only decoration we had too, so you can just imagine that it had to be the pumpkin and not anything else. I do a couple good carvings too, last year I did a mega man, I'm not doing one this year, the pumpkin pissed me off, instead I stabbed it repeatedly to show my dad what I wanted carved and he's doing it for me. What's it going to be you ask? An Abra from Pokemon... okay, so I ran out of ideas this year, bug off!

Well, enough outta me for today, see you later.