The “It’s a girl” sign hung over the archway as we carried our firstborn child inside the house. Sheridan, though tired, was glowing as she cradled the small pink bundle in her arms. We had named her Raina, our first born little princess made during the brief time we were apart. I can remember the day that Sheridan told me she was pregnant. It was a beautiful, snowy, Christmas day when she pulled me away from the family. She whispered to me softly that she had news and I held her hands as she told me that we had created a life together. There we stood, beneath the mistletoe with my brother, who thought he was still engaged to her, opening gifts not five feet from us. Before I knew what I was doing, I kissed her passionately and we told everyone the news, breaking it to Antonio that Sheridan and I were a couple. He survived, of course, but swore to never forgive us for keeping the secret from him.

But nine months later, not only did we have our beautiful daughter with us, but my brother as well. Thanks to my mother’s skills of persuasion, Antonio forgave us and was there that day to greet his first niece. Beside him was Theresa, her son EJ in her arms waving to his new cousin. Miguel and Charity stood with my mother, who cried to see her new granddaughter enter the house at last. They all rushed over to see the little angel that Sheridan and I adored already. I knew my time with her would be short and I already felt time slipping away from me. My daughter wouldn’t be a baby forever and I wished to cherish every moment with her.

Do you know what it feels like to be a parent for the first time? The nervous excitement is like little butterflies in your stomach. You can’t wait to see the baby and love them, but there’s a nagging piece of you that worries that you’ll do something wrong. Everyone always tells you what a great parent you’ll be, but none of them ever want to tell you how challenging it is to be one. I’ve heard so many stories where “it was worth it the moment I held my baby” and I always thought they were joking. How could you possibly know that everything would be all right or that everything that you were going to go through was going to be worth it in five seconds? Well, they were right. The second I held Raina in the hospital and I looked over at my wife, who was tired and crying, I knew. Raina was a gift. Trite as it might be to say so, my daughter really was the one thing that changed my life forever. Sheridan and I talked to our daughter that night and both of us knew that we’d never be the same. Raina had been merely minutes old and she had changed us for the better and I knew that I couldn’t love someone more than I did my child.

My mother and siblings didn’t say much because our sweet darling had taken them in. She looked amazingly like me, except for her eyes. They were a dark blue, almost a purple, and they reminded me of her mother. Sheridan thought her eyes display an inner knowledge, almost like she was smarter and knew so much more than we do. She might have. After all, I fully believed that Raina was from heaven.

My family stayed for a time, taking, eating and playing with Raina, who tended to sleep through their antics. Slowly, our guests left and Sheridan fell asleep. I sat with little Raina in my arms, cradling her against my chest. “My little angel,” I whispered to our baby, kissing her soft, silky head. Her skin smelled of baby powder and she snuggled closer in her sleep. I wished I could lock us in that moment forever and never let her go. Quietly, I rose and brought her to the crib. She whimpered and pouted as I slowly lowered her to the mattress but then snuggled again beneath the thin sheet in her crib.

“I love you, Raina,” I kissed my fingers and placed them against her cheek. “Daddy will always love you, darling, never forget that.”

And I went to bed. What followed were eight less hours with my little girl.

“Daddy, it’s time to say my prayers,” Raina murmured sleepily as she folded her hands over her chest and closed her eyes. She wasn’t sleeping yet nor will she doze until she said her final amen. Never would she do her prayers without me, that’s just how it was.

“All right, sweetheart,” I replied, dropping to my knees beside her bed and brushing a lock of her long, chocolate colored hair behind her ear. It was amazing that my baby had grown so quickly. She was already going to be eight and she was the smartest child I know. She loved school and worked so hard to score well on her tests. Sheridan thought our daughter was putting too much strain on her poor little body, but Raina had no wish to slow down.

“In the name of the Father,” she began in her soft voice, making the sign of the cross quickly. My mother had drilled the Catholic faith into Raina’s head and my daughter was a firm believer in prayer. She renewed my faith just by walking into a room on a hard day. To believe like a child…

”Please bless Mommy, Daddy, LJ and the new baby in Mommy’s tummy,” Raina listed with a smile. “And please bring Grandpa Martin back to Nana, and bless Nana that she may be strong. Bless Aunt Charity and Uncle Miguel, Uncle Tony and Aunt Gwen, Aunt Theresa and my pain in the butt cousin EJ, especially since he doesn’t have a daddy to keep him from making mistakes. Oh, and God, please bless the whole world that they can be as happy and in love as Mommy and Daddy are.”

While she said her prayers, I closed my eyes and imagined my life without Sheridan and Raina in it. What’s sad was I couldn’t see anything but blackness. Without them I know I’d be lost and I would never survive that kind of desolation. A tear slid down my cheek and I mouthed a silent prayer to God thanking him for my beautiful daughter. If it wasn’t for Him, I would never have Sheridan and Raina.

“Amen,” Raina sighed.

“Amen,” I echoed, leaning over her. “Goodnight, princess.”

“Night Daddy,” she smiled brightly and kissed me gently on the lips with a giggle. “I love you, tons and tons.”

“I love you too,” I shut the lights and closed the door all but an inch as I left the room. Sheridan’s arms snaked around me, the bump of her stomach pressing into my back. She was three months along with our third child, but we both knew that Raina would always be special, my first born and the reason we were finally able to marry.

“She asleep?”

“On her way,” I replied, still peeking through the crack. Sheridan giggled. I was thankful for our children, for Sheridan and her beautiful laughter, for every blessing I have been granted over the past thirty-odd years. But I was thankful for the one thing that reminded me this was all real…

Butterfly kisses from my daughter.

I remember Raina’s First Communion. It was a bright, sunny Saturday in May and she was dressed in a beautiful, silky white dress. She looked like a little bride in her dress but she refused to have a veil in her hair, which was pinned atop her head.

“Daddy,” she pouted, looking at the white rosebuds outside her window. “I want those in my hair, Daddy. Please.”

How could I possibly turn her down? I picked the roses from the bush, stripped them of their thorns and, with Sheridan’s guidance as to the appropriate placement, put them into my daughter’s curly hair. She giggled as she spun before the mirror and then threw her arms around me. “Thank you!”

And then we left for her Communion…

There was another time, when Sheridan and I took our little girl to a stable near town. The owner was a friend of mine from High School and had let us take some horses out for the day. His wife and Sheridan had fun talking about both of their upcoming births while he and I took Raina out to meet the horses. She had been so joyful when we arrived at the stables. We had never had a chance to take her out into the country because of our schedules. The mountains and hills of Maine are so beautiful and to see that the stables and the house were the only place for miles thrilled her. She rushed over to the pens where a horse was hitched and climbed on the lower bar. The horse had taken to her almost immediately, just like our family had, and she waited impatiently for Tom and I to join her.

“Daddy! Come on!” she waved.

The moment we put her on the horse she clung to the saddle and looked at me. I was leaning against the fence watching Tom take the reigns. She didn’t look afraid, but she pouted and looked at me expectantly.

“What is it, darling?” I asked her.

“Please walk beside the pony, Daddy. I’ve never ridden before and I need you to protect me!” She sniffled, knowing that it was my weakness to see her tears. I immediately walked over to my little girl, who sat proudly on the steed, and held her leg as we walked the horse around the corral.

And she glowed…

Just like the candles on the birthday cake she and Sheridan made me that year. I can see it as if it were yesterday that I entered the dark house. My mother had needed my help over at her place and I had left right after dinner. The work took an hour or so and by time I arrived home the sun had set and the need for lamps was high, but not at our house. It was near black inside and I called out to them. It wasn’t until I heard LJ laugh that I knew they were in the kitchen.

I pushed open the swinging door and there my family stood, their little party hats on and the candles twinkling on the cake. All at once they started singing “Happy Birthday” and clapping their hands. I looked at the cake and wondered who had made such a terribly put together thing. Sheridan had become adept at making birthday cakes for Raina, so I was surprised that something she baked would look the way this did. Not only was it tilted, but part of the icing was used to glue on a piece of crushed cake. On top were what looked to be little pink and blue flowers and the wiggly words “Happy Birthday Daddy.” My daughter blushed.

“I know the cake looks funny, Daddy, but I tried really hard to make it just like this one,” she held up the photo from a magazine. “I had a hard time with the icing,” she looked down. “Mommy said you wouldn’t mind.”

“And I don’t,” I told her, kissing the top of her head and getting butterfly kisses in return. And you know what? I didn’t mind that the cake looked odd or that there were eggshells in the batter because it was from my beautiful daughter.

It amazes me to see pictures from her sweet sixteen. The morning of her birthday, Sheridan and I carried a single, chocolate iced cupcake into our daughter’s room with a single candle on the top. At exactly six-thirty-three we started singing “Happy Birthday” to her. Raina smiled, even in her sleep and sat up groggily, wiping her eyes. She looked at the candle and then us, her little siblings standing in the doorway laughing. LJ was thirteen; Martin eight and the twins Kathy and Pilar were five. They all clapped as Raina blew out her candle and closed her eyes, making a wish.

It was that moment that I realized just how much my daughter looked like Sheridan. Her hair had started to lighten over the years, the curls becoming a dirty blond and chopped off at her shoulders. Her eyes were still blue and her skin, which had never been really dark, had turned to a pale tan. She was stunning but still my little girl to me. She climbed out of bed and kissed my cheek, sitting at her vanity where the makeup she was finally allowed to wear lay.

“Mom, I need your help getting ready,” she told Sheridan, looking at her sadly. “I don’t want to be late for school.”

I made the other kids go and get ready and watched from the door as my wife helped my daughter apply the makeup and perfume she had been dying to use. I wanted to cry remembering the days that she would play with Sheridan’s rouge and lipstick with big red bows in her curly hair. What had happened to the little five-year-old that played dress up with Sheridan’s heels? I sighed.

My daughter was growing up far too fast.

It felt so weird that night at her Sweet Sixteen party when I held Sheridan in my arms off to the side. On the dance floor, Raina danced with her boyfriend and he smiled down at her the way I look at Sheridan. She blushed as she leaned her head in and kissed his cheek with the same butterfly kisses she reserved for me as a child. I felt jealously course through me, but Sheridan placed a soothing hand on my forearm.

“She’s in love,” she told me, smiling brightly as the song ended and Raina’s boyfriend went off in search of drinks for them. My daughter floated over on cloud nine and with a sigh she hugged Sheridan and then me.

“Tonight has been so perfect,” Raina told us both, but she was speaking more to my wife than me. “Jay finally told me what I wanted to hear, Mom. He said he loved me.”

Pain struck my heart as I realized my daughter was not only in love, but the boy loved her back. I knew it was bound to happen eventually, but I did not assume it was going to happen at sixteen. For years I had felt that I had to have done something right to earn the privilege of raising such a wonderful daughter. I knew she was my something right at that moment, but it didn’t keep me from being angry that she was so willing to go off with someone else.

Sheridan sent us off to dance to a father-daughter song and as we did, Raina put her head on my shoulder and inhaled deeply. “I love you, Dad,” she told me as we moved gently to the rhythm of the music. I closed my eyes and wanted to cry.

“I love you to, Ray,” I replied, kissing the top of her head.

And she smiled. The song ended and she pulled away slowly, her eyes meeting mine. Her boyfriend was nearing us and I knew what she was going to say. “You know I love you, Dad, but this time I’m only going to kiss you on the cheek.” She leaned up, placed a gentle kiss on my cheek and moved away to be with Jay.

Sheridan took her place, but I couldn’t help but hurt over the revelations of that night. I didn’t realize that it would only grow worse with time.

Her High School and College graduations came next, both times earning me another kiss on my cheek. She had given up heavy makeup when she realized that natural was much more suiting on her beautiful features. After moving out of the dorms, she bought herself a little apartment and not four months after graduation she came home with more news for us.

I couldn’t believe eight years had gone by so quickly or that in all that time my daughter was slipping further and further away. I knew I had to let go, but I wasn’t ready for what she was going to tell me that day…

“Dad. Mom. Jay and I, well, we’ve decided to get married. We’ve been together for so long now and we decided that we love each other more and more every day. We want to get married and start a family, like you did.”

Sheridan squealed in delight; LJ threatened to kill Jay if he ever hurt his sister. The twins were worried about their being in the wedding party and hideous dresses. My wallet hurt from the thought that this wedding was going to cost me an arm and a leg. But my heart accepted the news the worse. No more would I earn those butterfly kisses at night because my little girl was going away again…

And now she’d belong to another.

Today is the last day my Raina would be Raina Lopez-Fitzgerald because she was promising her heart and her life to another man. I stand there in the bride room reviewing all the scenes that had led me to this point. Her birth, the moment we took her home, birthdays and Christmases that we celebrated in our home. She doesn’t notice me watching her as she straightens her gown in the mirror, but I am watching. The smile on her face is bright and she looks lost in her own little world, probably thinking about Jay. She is wearing Sheridan’s wedding gown, a simple white dress that was off her shoulders. Her hair, which she had let grow out again slightly, is curled against her head, much like her communion. In fact, the day is all too reminiscent of that one long ago.

Slowly, she turns towards me and looks sad. I try to force a smile, but I can’t be happy today. Not when I know that my baby is going to leave me for good this time. I don’t say a word, just watch as she walks closer to me and stops just inches away. I can smell the perfume and sigh.

“Daddy, what’s wrong?” she whispers sadly, nervous now.

“I’m not sure,” I wipe away a tear that manages to run free. “I feel like I’m losing my baby girl, Ray. I know you love me but it’s hard to let go sometimes.”

She doesn’t reply to me, but she leans closer and looks into my eyes. Closing my eyes, I can’t bear to look at her when I know she is going to just say goodbye and tell me that I’m wasting my time trying to move on. But she doesn’t say that to me. Instead, Raina kisses my cheek softly with the most gently butterfly kiss ever and then once more.

“I love you, Daddy,” she tells me as Sheridan enters with the rosebuds for Raina’s hair. These are pink this time; one of the colors of Raina’s wedding. Gently, Sheridan and I place the flowers in the beautiful curls of Raina’s hair. Raina grows more antsy by the moment and the second the last flower is in place, she spins around before the mirror.

“I’ll go out and walk down with LJ,” Sheridan says to us both before kissing my cheek and then Raina’s. “You look beautiful,” she pats our daughter’s cheek and leaves the room with tears falling from her eyes.

Raina looks once more in the mirror and heads for the door. I barely see her move by because all I see is my five-year-old angel running by chasing butterflies or my eight-year-old daughter kicking the soccer ball as she runs down the field to score a goal. I hear the door open and Raina stops, turning towards me. “Come on, Daddy, it’s just about time for you to walk me down the aisle.”

I don’t know what I agree to, but I nod and follow her out into the hall. The maid-of-honor has started down the aisle and Raina grabs my arm. Nervously, she shakes me slightly. “Daddy, does my wedding gown look pretty? Are my flowers straight? How do I look?” she begs.

“Beautiful,” I choke, looking over my little angel all in white. I can’t hold back a moment longer as my tears started rolling down my cheeks. I openly cry, knowing that we only have a few moments left before I take her down the aisle.

“Oh Daddy! Don’t cry, please Daddy, don’t cry,” she hugs me close. “I love you, Daddy, and I will always love you. Jay is going to be my husband, but he can never replace my father.”

I kiss the tip of her nose and then take her arm. The doors open and I step forward with her towards the altar. My daughter is getting married.

I watch the ceremony speed by: the opening, the vows, their kiss and finally their walk down the aisle as husband and wife. Sheridan and I follow behind them and the family rushes outside. Riana and Jay rush out beneath a rain of rose petals upon them and then dodge into the limo waving as it pulls away.

At the reception Raina and Jay dance their first dance as newlyweds, ending it with a sweet kiss. The next song is a father-daughter dance to the song Butterfly Kisses. Memories assail me as I take my place with my daughter and hold her in my arms, swaying with her gently. Neither of us speak as we know this will be our last dance for a while. After the reception she leaves for her honeymoon in Hawaii with Jay. They’ll be gone for three weeks and when they return they’ll be moving into a new house together.

Before I know it, the song ends and we all take our seats. The hours that Raina and Jay spend at the reception seem to fly by. I don’t remember making the toast or hearing others make similar wishes of happiness for the new couple. All I think about are the hugs as Raina left for school each day, the butterfly kisses she gave me at night.

When it is time for Raina and Jay to leave, I slip out into the night and watch the limo disappear towards the airport. I blow a kiss into the wind, hoping it will find my daughter on this night. Again I thank God for the most wonderful daughter on earth, knowing that this is exactly what true love brings. Inside, my head is telling me I have to let her go with her husband, but my heart knows that it isn’t easy.

Sheridan joins me moments later, resting her head on my shoulder. We don’t speak, just wait as if our five-year-old angel will come running up the steps at any moment. It’s silent until finally my cell rings. “Hello.”

“I love you, Daddy,” Raina says. “Butterfly kisses and hugs to you tonight. See you in three weeks.”

She hangs up before I can reply, not that I could reply to her. A tear slips down my cheek and Sheridan brushes it away smiling. “You’re a wonderful father, Luis. I love you.”

I sniffle and kiss her cheek. “I love you too, Sheridan.” ‘And you too, Ray,’ I think to myself. Then I realize that no matter how old Raina gets, she’ll always be my baby girl. She’ll always be the one that brought Sheridan and I back together when things looked their worst. But most of all, I’ll always remember every butterfly kiss and every hug from my sweet angel Raina.

And that’s all I need to remember to know that life is good and that it always will be.