Night is like an eternal punishment for me, a torment that I suffer alone while the remainder of the world sleeps blissfully unaware of my cries. The dark solitude in which my tears freely fall as I watch my daughter sleep soundly in her crib. She knows nothing of the pain I am forced to endure in these hours or rest, her “father” down the hall dreaming of morning when he goes off with another woman while I am alone. Since childhood, night has been nothing but a torture for me, plagued with nightmares of killing a man I hardly knew, a man that belonged to the family I longed to be a part of. Now, it symbolizes even more. My sleepless isolation comes without reprieve: the sun doesn’t shine anymore for me. While everyone else may be lonely at night, when the morning comes they are saved. For me, morning merely brings the reminder that he is gone. Even daylight cannot chase away the emptiness my life holds.

I sink into the window seat of the nursery, looking out at the clouded night sky. No stars, not even the moon, are visible and the streets are poorly lit by artificial light. Drawing my knee to my chest and resting my head against it, I can’t help but surrender to the overwhelming pain and sadness filling my heart. As silly as it sounds, during my affair with Luis I still had someone I could go to, even if it was only in the shadows of night. My daughter still had a real father, even if she tended to be asleep while he was here. Just his presence gave me hope that something better was coming. It comforted me when I felt alone, warmed me when I was cold and brightened even the darkest of days. Luis was the sunshine in my world of an empty, loveless marriage.

Glancing over for a moment at the crib, I realize that if I continue to pine away for another man and never let him know just what his love does for me, I am doing my daughter and myself a great disservice. Antonio no longer cares about us; I honestly believe he never did. He is constantly out with other women, making it no secret that he is unhappily married to a woman that is in love with his brother. People give me looks, glare at me when they think I won’t notice. But I notice. I know every look, every comment they are making. I berate myself with the same words every day and have since the moment Luis walked out that door and never looked back. I’ve watched as the man I loved became a zombie. He’s nothing but the lifeless form of a man that could have been much more. I have ruined him and only I can bring life back to him…

And to myself.

I need him. He’s the air I breathe. Silently creeping down the stairs, I pull on the shoes and coat I always leave by the front door in case I should need to slip out. It is a habit I began during my rendezvous with Luis. He lives a mere five-minute walk away. I clock it every time I walk the few blocks from my house with Antonio to his complex near the beach. He once told Pilar that he moved there because the water reminded him of just how tumultuous and never ending life is. How no matter how far from land you were, it was still there and you still had a chance to make it. He is my land and I am the tempest tossed ship out at sea.

I easily find the apartment and run up the stairs to the second floor. The eerie silence of the corridors causes gooseflesh to appear on my skin. The hall to his door seems to expand with every step I take; my heart rate increases and I can feel my hands dampen as my apprehension grows. Tonight I’m trying to change the course of my future. If I can only convince Luis that I need him and want him, that I will leave Antonio for him, then I can bring the sunshine back and end the misery I have been living for the two weeks I’ve lived without him.

Tentatively knocking on his door, I listen for some movement inside. I hear nothing but the unwelcome silence I have settled into since my wedding to Antonio. It is a silence I have become accustomed to dealing with but now seems louder than even a rock concert. Again I knock, this time more forcefully, praying that Luis hasn’t found himself someone else, someone that would put him before their own stupid need to make everyone else happy. I wait a moment longer, realizing that he isn’t coming, and turn for the steps. I’ve lost my chance at happiness; it’s as if the sun will never shine again.

I hear a door creak open and the hall I am standing in floods with light. I don’t bother to look back, assuming it is some other sleepless wanderer about to go for a midnight stroll. I feel a hand rest on my shoulder and I know it’s Luis. Closing my eyes, I revel in the feel of his hand touching me, even if it is just placed on my shoulder.

“Sheridan?” he breathes, slowly moving closer as his hand drops to my arm. He turns me gently and my eyes meet his. They are bloodshot, with tears lingering in the corners and pain radiating through the usually brilliant brown color. I know now that he has been feeling the same as I have since our breakup and I want nothing more than to clear his memory of all that I have done to him. If I could turn back time I would never let him leave. I would tell him the truth and make him stay with me until Antonio returned and then we would have told him together that it was over, that I belonged to Luis.

“Did I wake you?” I ask lamely, looking down at the ground and away from the hunger I can see in his eyes. The longing is something I didn’t expect to feel, forget see. I thought he’d immediately shut me out or cast me away. Instead, I feel him drawing me nearer. It’s as if he is a magnet and I am a sliver of iron. Before I know it, I am in his arms, resting in the gentle embrace he offers. With each release of air from his lungs, my hair flutters and causes my scalp to tingle.

“No,” he replies to my question. “I was awake. Is something wrong with Ariana?” he asks. It is the first time he has said her name in ages, always defaulting to calling her “the baby.” Antonio had insisted on naming her Bryanna, in memory of the Irish grandfather he was named for. But the thought of having a daughter with a name so reminiscent of my time away from Luis pained me, especially as the baby was his. Instead, I had named her Ariana, my maternal grandmother’s name.

I shake my head and step back, looking over his disheveled appearance. His clothes are rumpled, as if worn to bed, and his hair is longer than I remember it and unkempt. He hardly looks like the man I remember, the man that told me two weeks ago not to wave if I should see him on the street. Now, he seems beaten, broken, and I know it is my fault that he has become this way. Yet, as I look at him, I can almost see his spirit coming back to life and I long for my own to return. “You’re a sight for sore eyes,” I whisper, reaching out to touch him with my left hand.

He shies away as the lights catch my ring and make it sparkle. Suddenly he remembers that I am not free to be his, that I belong to his brother and that is why he lives apart from his daughter. I can see his resolve to end this quickly building, and I refuse to let him go without a fight. I have come too far to give up now.

“Don’t. Please,” I beg, removing my wedding band and dropping it on the floor. “For one minute hear me out, Luis. Let me speak my peace and if after that you can honestly tell me that nothing has changed, that you want to be apart from me, I’ll go. I’ll live trapped in that house with only one thing to give me any solace in my existence: our daughter Ariana. But if after I finish you find somewhere in your heart that you know what I say is true and feel the same, then we go back to my house, we wake that bastard up and we finally take back the life he has stolen from us.”

He reluctantly nods and leads me back to his apartment. It is as untidy ad his appearance: clothing strewn about, dirty dishes lingering in the sink and a pizza box with moldy food still inside. He pushes the clutter off a chair and onto the floor, pointing to it as a means of asking me to have a seat. He flops into the one across from me, picking up a beer he was obviously nursing earlier and taking a swig of the warm, amber liquid. He makes a face, puts the bottle back down and focuses completely on me.

For a moment, there is nothing but intense silence. How can I possibly start this conversation without making a complete fool of myself? Looking at him, however, I see his patience is wearing thin and if I don’t speak soon, I know I’ll lose him for good. Taking a deep breath, I finally speak.

“I have come to the realization that some of my past actions were, at best, selfish and immature. I thought that by sparing your brother’s life I would, in turn, keep your family in tact and one day find a way to salvage our relationship. I wanted my cake and the ability to eat it as well, so to speak. While I am in no way trying to state my innocence, I did have external pressures. Your mother wanted me to spare Antonio’s life and since I consider her a mother, I couldn’t do anything to risk harming her child. In my attempts to save one, Luis, I ended up wounding you gravely and I didn’t and would never want that. I thought I was doing what was best and I see now that I wasn’t.” I pause, waiting for a response. I receive none.

“Ok, I’ll go on. When I found out about Ariana, I was thrilled. You were the only man I had been with around the time of her conception and I knew that she was your daughter. I thought that finally we would be able to tell Antonio, that he would grant me a divorce and it would be over. But he knew. He had always known and when we went to him, he beat us to the punch. He pretended to be ecstatic about the impending birth and I believed him when he said he wanted this child. After nearly seeing his death, I was afraid of being honest and killing him. But he didn’t want Ariana and he wasn’t excited. He was just waiting to see if I would blow.”

“Why are you rehashing the past?” he cuts me off. “I know all this, Sheridan. I know that he toyed with us and sent us into an affair that never should have happened. Why do you have to bring it back up?”

“Because, I wanted you to see where I’m coming from, Luis,” I sigh. “Antonio has pushed me into the a dark corner and locked me away from anything that could possibly bring me life. Your love, our affair, was the only thing that gave me the strength to get out of bed each morning. Seeing you with Ariana made me feel blessed. I know it sounds stupid but being with you delivered me from the painful existence I lived every day. Without you, I’ve discovered that I can’t live. I need you and I want to finally prove it. I want to be with you and not at night where we hide our transgressions, but always.”

He doesn’t reply, merely stares at me. I can see the gears spinning in his head and know that he is trying to decipher whether I really mean it or if this is some ploy to bring him back into the tawdry love affair we had before. Again he drinks from the bottle, flinching once more from its bitter warmth. I know he’s still mulling over the possibilities. Before he has too long to think, I plunge ahead, deciding to throw caution to the wind.

“Can’t you feel it, Luis? Don’t you feel like your downing in this immense whirlpool and everything you reach for slips away? You can’t keep your head above the water and there’s no lifesaver around for you to cling to. That’s how I feel. I feel as if I have but one choice and that’s to beg you not to leave. If you were to throw me out, to tell me to never return, I would die. You’re everything to me. We swore that it was meant to be, that our love was everlasting. We have to hold onto that. It’s all that’s left.”

“All that you have left?” he asks, eyes meeting mine. “Is it all you have left, Sheridan? Are you here because you need me to save you or because you want this? Are you tired of being in that marriage or just so lonely you’ll go to anyone that shows interest?”

“I miss you, Luis,” I whimper, tears causing my throat to constrict. “I love you. I don’t want to live without you anymore. Please, tell me you feel that same. You are the man I want to be with. No one else could ever take your place.”

It’s as if those are the words he is longing to hear for the light returns to his eyes and for the first time in months I am graced with a real smile, the one he used to wear only for me. I fly into his arms, landing in his lap and tightening my hold around his neck until he chuckles. His strong hands caress my back and I sob, openly and feely. What was a dark dreary night seems to clear and I can feel the power of the moonlight chasing away the shadows.

He loosens his hold slightly and shifts me so that we are again gazing into each other’s eyes. A single finger brushes a piece of my hair behind my ear and then he pulls me forward very gently until our lips meet. The racing of my heart earlier is nothing compared to the speed now as his lips caress mine sweetly and passionately. They stroke my soul back to life until I feel as if I am flying. Luis said, upon our last time together, that his soul was damned to flames: both those of my love and those in hell. Now, it’s as if we’ve both been cleansed and are free. We are redeemed, delivered. Our souls are no longer trapped in flames.

It is as if I were a prisoner locked away from life and forced to watch it from the distance and Luis is the warden, using the key of love to unlock the cell. It seems as if in seconds we are both on our way back to my home and in mere milliseconds standing on my front porch. His hand squeezes mine and I look up at him, my other hand resting against the brass knob of the front door. I see his eyes flick to the windows, almost as if we are still hiding our affair from Antonio. I tug on his arm. “It’s all right,” I whisper.

“Are you sure about this, Sheridan?” he questions, once more looking around. I can almost hear his thoughts in my own mind: I can’t give her this. She’s giving up so much more that I am offering. I’m taking away her security, the only family Ariana knows. Are we doing the right thing? My heart wants to assuage all his fears but my mind wonders the same thing. Once we go inside, there’s no turning back. If we don’t tell Antonio tonight, I lose everything: Luis, Antonio and my daughter. I’ll never redeem myself in the eyes of our friends and family. What’s done is done and I have but once chance to make it even remotely better for anyone else. This is that chance.

“Positive,” I promise. “Our love will redeem our souls from the fires of hell and bring us to a new life together, Luis. Backing away from this battle isn’t an option anymore. Either we do this or burn together for eternity.”

He doesn’t look relieved and I suppose he shouldn’t. After all, I did just condemn us to hell should we back out. Not exactly the most encouraging words I could have used given the situation. Still, he steps closer to the door with a determination that I haven’t seen in a long time. Removing the key from my hand, he unlocks the door and strides in as if it is his house and we are merely returning home from a nighttime walk. “Now or never.”

“That’s right,” I tell him. “Set me free, Luis. Bring me back from the despair I live in.”

His hand tightens around mind and he starts for the stairs, practically dragging me along behind him. His strides are purposeful and he is unwavering in his desire to see this through. In moments we are at the top of the steps and then, at the door to the master bedroom. He hesitates only a moment before throwing open the door. The sight there enrages me. Antonio lies in bed with another woman, one Luis and I know very well: Beth Wallace.

“What the hell is going on?” Antonio demands, looking over at the two of us. He sits up, the sheet covering only his waist while Beth burrows more completely beneath them. I become disgusted at the thought that he has slept with another woman in the same bed I slept in night after night when he was away. But I am no better, I have used that bed to consummate my relationship with Luis: an eye for an eye. “I thought I told you that you were never to see him again, Sheridan? I thought I explained that I would make sure you lose everything, especially your precious Ariana, should he ever step foot in this house.”

“You’re not my lord and master, Antonio. I can see whomever I like!” I return. It’s as if the spine I have been missing suddenly grows back. I am once again no-nonsense Sheridan Crane and this man has royally ticked me off!

He rolls his eyes, glancing at Luis and shaking his head. “My little brother looks as if he’s been to hell and back. She’s really not worth it, Luis. I’ve had better,” he snarls. “She’s a waste of time, especially after she had your bastard. But damn is she fun to control. No wonder her father and brother got off on it.”

“You’re slime,” Luis growls, his entire body going rigid. In two strides he crosses to Antonio and grips him by the neck, lifting him from bed. “Sheridan and I are going to have a life together, Antonio, and I am not letting you or anyone else in this Goddamn town stop me, understood? You’re going to divorce her and then you can live your life screwing every whore,” he shoots a look at Beth, “in this pathetic excuse for a town. But come between us again and I swear to God no one will ever find the body. Get me?”

Antonio can only nod, gasping for the air Luis is cutting off. I am stunned by Luis’ obvious hatred of his older sibling and can neither speak nor move. He drops his brother back to the bed and walks out the bedroom door. I can hear him in the nursery before I leave the master suite myself. For a time, I watch Luis and our daughter from the same window seat I earlier occupied, but then I drift to sleep.

Days later I wake in a bed I have become quite accustomed to and only because the sunlight is pouring onto my face. Stretching, I look around at the framed photographs of Luis and myself from times gone by. Every picture one more moment we had that was happy and proved just how in love we were and still are.

Listening carefully, I can hear the high-pitched squeals of laughter from Ariana in the other room followed by the deeper masculine laugh of Luis. As of midnight, I became officially single again and at twelve-o-one, Luis proposed in a room filled with candles and soft romantic music. Our baby girl drooled on his shoulder as she slept completely oblivious to the fact that her father and I are formally engaged once again. We’ve decided to get married as soon and as quietly as possible. All we want is to be together and to share our lives with each other. The ceremony loses meaning when it’s overblown; we realize that now. Simple but elegant is the aim. After talking and tucking our daughter into bed, we made love for the first time in weeks and I finally feel complete.

Getting out of bet, I languidly drag myself down the short hall to the living room. The living arrangement isn’t the best just now, but we both agreed to get a house now that Antonio was forced to give me what was rightfully mine. For the most part, we avoid Luis’ family, giving his mother and siblings time to understand that we had to do this. It was best for our daughter and for us.

“Morning, beautiful,” Luis calls as I enter the room. He smiles at me and shows me our food covered daughter who has managed to get more of her cereal on her clothing than in her mouth. “Ariana and I tried to wait to eat, but we were starving.”

“She must still be famished,” I tease placing a kiss on her chubby cheek and then one on his lips. “I don’t mind though. I’m not a breakfast person,” I admit. “Ever since this man tried making me Eggs Benedict…”

“You had to bring that up,” he grabs me, pulling me into his lap. “Didn’t you?”

“Of course,” I laugh as his nimble fingers begin tickling my most sensitive of areas. Ariana bangs her spoon against the tray of her high chair, encouraging her father to continue this sensual torture of my poor body. Slowly he ceases, kissing my neck and holding me gently against him. “I love you, Luis.”

“And I you,” he whispers in my ear.

“Thank you.”

“For what?” he asks, obviously confused.

“For saving my life, removing me from the darkness that threatened to swallow me whole. If it weren’t for you, I’m certain that I would have spent the rest of my life living in misery. You’ve saved me so many times and you have no idea how much gratitude I have for you. It’s impossible to even explain it.”

“You’ve saved me as well,” he hugs me from behind. “You’ve set me free, Sheridan. I don’t ever have to live life as superman, taking care of my family and feeling indebted to them. We can finally live life without ever wondering if we made the wrong choice. We’re free.”

I sigh, completely at ease with this revelation. “No,” I decide the words he used are close, but not exactly how I’m feeling. “We’re more than free. We’re delivered.”

The End

Disclaimer: This story in is in no way meant to infringe upon the rights belonging to , NBC, or any entity thereof. All rights to Passions and any related content, including characters used, belong to "Outpost Farms Production Inc", James E. Reilly, and NBC.
This story and the song are the property of the author. Copyright 2003. Nothing may be reprinted in whole or in part without the written permission of the author.
Deliver- Copyright © 2003 - All Rights Reserved.